Distance within distance :(

[eatsbrains]

Hopefully someone can help me, I've been bouncing around in my head and I can't sort this out in there it seems.

I've been in a LDR with my SO since September this year, and it's been, well you know. We're not an overly sappy couple, it's not all ilu and i miss you, we're more about the day to day kinda of stuff, which is different from my past relationships, but suits me better. However at times I do feel like we're just good friends. I guess that's the nature of a text and talk based relationship, and I definitely feel when we are together that it's apparent he feels strongly for me.

My main issue is that since my visit to him over the xmas break, he's been more busy, school wise, which I get. But it seems like the only contact he wants with me is text. This week (he's now on break for 2 weeks) it's been less than that but it seems to be becoming more normal again, which is good.

My issue is that I would really like to connect in some other fun ways, keeping consideration that both of us are busy. A lot of LDR articles and whatnot really encourage this, and I found in the fall, we did this a bit and it was fun and made things easier. We did things like games, I had him do a scavenger hunt, he was writing me a story and sending me bits which I really enjoyed. But since December all of that just doesn't happen anymore.

Anything like that that we have done has been initiated by me, which I'm okay with, but now he won't even try my ideas. Back in January I came up with the idea that we could both write a story together, writing alternating parts, and he agreed, liking the idea. I wrote the first part, asked him if two weeks was fine for him to write the next part. He said that was more than enough. Then he never did it. He did get very busy and told me so, which I was okay with and told him to take as much time as he's needed. It's now March. I just dropped it because it was supposed to be something fun, not something to nag him about. So that idea is shot.

Back in November I suggested that we agree to have Skype sessions regularly, and I expressed that I was aware of how busy he could be, and would be understanding if we needed to make exceptions and accommodations for that. He agreed and said that weekly would do well. We have kept this up for the most part and I've found it really helpful to give text based convo a break. However with this past while being somewhat strange, I asked him during the last Skype session (a week ago) if he found them bothersome and more of a chore. I think I started that question off by saying I wondered how much he does for him (because he wants to) vs how much he does for me (because he feels obligated). His answer was a little wishy washy, but it was clear that he felt they were bothersome in some sort of manner because they require his full attention, and are a constraint on his free time. I responded by saying that the idea of them were to be something sort of fun, and if they are bothering him more than anything then I didn't want to do that as that defeats the purpose. It was just sort of dropped from there. I just haven't brought it up since. I sincerely do feel that I don't want to be doing something that make him feels obligated.

It's been more frustrating knowing that he finally has time off school and he doesn't want to spend any time "with" me. I mean I want him to enjoy his time off and have some fun on his own and with friends as well. But last week, during exams, I didn't hear from him as much which was understandable, and he kept reassuring me that "next week will be better". I honestly found that this week has been worse.

I dunno, since everyone on here more than likely knows how crappy LDRs can be, it goes without saying how frustrating a solely text-based relationship can be. I find that it's been stressing me out, or really just, I dunno, it's been sort of harder to deal with. As for him, from my perspective it's as if it's no big deal. I feel as if I'm sort of a bother and have been trying to give him his space. I know that's probably not the reality of it, it's just how I feel. I've also been distracting myself and what not. The thing of it is that I don't like the idea that we're just putting our relationship on pause until we physically see each other. We have a relationship now and we should enjoy what we can of it now too.

Do I talk to him about this? I don't want to be naggy. I'm not mad at him, I just feel kind of stranded or isolated when it comes to him. Or am I going overboard and I ought to back off and just deal with it by myself? I also very dislike that I feel I can't talk to him about any of this. I prefer when we're open as I feel we once were.

[redapple]

I don't think you're nagging. From your post you seem to be very flexible to fit around him and his wants but what stood out for me is yes, i understand you don't want to force him into doing something he doesn't want to do (and you seem to be very forgiving towards his needs of study time, time with his friends etc.) but there's no mention of him meeting your needs! It's a two way street!

So he's happy with a text based relationship and you want more Skype time. You need to find a compromise there. And by the sounds of it you have, with agreeing to speak once a week, but then I think you need to accept and be thankful for him doing it rather than feeling guilty for 'making him'. because by the sounds of it he's doing it for you and your happiness and therefore health of the relationship- Which ISN'T a bad thing! I know we all say you have to do things that make you happy and not do anything you don't want to do etc but sometimes you have to push that boundary a bit if it makes the other half of the relationship happy.

So basically I'm saying stop trying to meet all of his needs just to make him 100% happy at the sake of your own happiness. If talking on Skype once a week makes you happy and he agrees to it then then accept that that's a good compromise for you two. Your talking via text for the rest of the week for him aren't you?

As regards to the pausing of relationship part i think you word your worries here very well. Have you told him what you've written here? If you haven't i think you've written it very well, maybe you could read it to him?

[redapple]

Oh and should you talk about it to him? From experience on this forum everybody is going to tell you that 'communication is key'... And as cliche as it sounds, it's kind of true. So yes you should defiantely talk to him about it! Maybe ill be proved wrong but ill be amazed if anyone says you shouldn't!

[Jayburr]

Do I talk to him about this? I don't want to be naggy. I'm not mad at him, I just feel kind of stranded or isolated when it comes to him. Or am I going overboard and I ought to back off and just deal with it by myself? I also very dislike that I feel I can't talk to him about any of this. I prefer when we're open as I feel we once were.

Yes, talk to him about it.

When I got back from my first trip meeting a SO, she seemed to transition just fine back into her regular routine, whereas I was constantly missing her and feeling depressed. It was sort of like you said, where it was like we were just friends and the relationship was put on pause or something. Eventually, I had to talk to her and tell her what I needed from her in order to keep from going crazy missing her so much. What I needed was communication, and/or, an activity of some kind to do with her... It sounds like you've already tried some things and feel as if it's all more of a bother to him than a benefit, and so you dumped those ideas (I really liked the story writing one...), but part of being in this relationship (especially a LDR) is understanding what each others needs are, and doing your best to fulfill those needs. Others here may disagree with me on that, and might say that in an LDR, it's accepted that you both still have your own lives and can't be expected to carry the same responsibilities as a non-LDR, but for your situation, it seems like he's treating it as if he has no responsibility at all, which is not right.

Tell him what you need from him in order to get through your day. Be understanding of his own situation with school, work, etc (like you have been already...) but get him to commit to at least TRYING to communicate more with you, through phone, skype, whatever means necessary. If he's too busy to do something, ask him to tell you he's too busy. Getting SOME kind of message like that is better than getting none, and being forced to wonder what's going on.

[eatsbrains]

Thanks guys, it really helps to have outside perceptions. I'm gonna talk to him about all this, write some of it out.

[Sailormars]

One question, when do you guys get to see each other again? or meet up? We had the same situation before. My SO was merely contented with texting, and I told him when he was courting me back then that I prefer phone calls over text messaging. Yet he only complied with it once, and I had to call him every time he asks me out through text. When we were finally official last 2011, it started with texting and it worked for me back then because I was working in hospital 12 hours x 5 days. We're really not allowed to use cell phones so I would sneak a text or two in between patient care. Sounds dire, LOL... but anyway, I quit my job for school and that's when I noticed how we both got comfortable with texting. This time, it's the other way around coz he got into residency. During his visit, I had to ask him why he can't just call me sometimes... and I told him, I wish we can do more than texting. So we had a little discussion about texting vs calling, and basically he told me that he doesn't mind if we both call each other. Since then, we had no problems with txt/skype/call. I always want to confront in person not over text coz it can be misconstrued... that's the only reason why I asked by the way... and if you can't take it, just bring it up to him that it bothers you. Be really sweet about it You can do it!!! It's not nagging if you do it once or twice. You have say in this matter. It's a relationship!!!

[eatsbrains]

I ended up saying I'd like to talk about something and he suggested we skype. The whole thing went really well and I even covered a few other things that had been bothering me. All is much better now and we both have a better understanding of each other.