Boyfriend's Harassing Ex

[sewbama]

My SO and I have been together for about two and a half years. The whole time I've known him his ex has been emailing him(on and off). She's not even a recent ex. They were together (albeit pretty serious) about 10 years ago now. When he was like 19. He's always let me read the messages she sends, and he's only replied like twice, which he also let me read. I have no issues trusting my SO. That's not what this is about. It's that she won't leave him alone and it's pissing me off.

She always says I just want a friend, blah blah, I just need someone to talk to like we used to, blah blah. Then, when she gets no reply, she gets mad and is pretty mean. Throughout the time he's not replied, she's even come clean about some stuff she did while they were together she says in an attempt to figure out why he isn't replying. Shes admitted to having sex with one of his friends, getting pregnant (by who, no one knows, but likely the friend), and having an abortion. She's also married now, though twice now she's said that she's packing to leave her husband. My SO has no feelings for her but perhaps pity.

She's done a few things that worry me, though. She mentioned that she wants to work for the school my SO is attending (she currently lives across the country) while she was talking about leaving her husband the first time. Later, she emailed my SO at his school account, which he never gave her. Also, she's now accused him of being a rapist, murderer, and of wanting her raped (which a mutual "friend" my SO hasn't spoken to in years told her), and now of being abusive toward her because he's not replying. And a few weeks ago, she admitted she was still in love with him.

For a while, this was just sad and amusing, but it's starting to really get to me. I mean, she's accusing my SO, who is a wonderful person, of being a whole bunch of stuff he isn't, and then saying she really wants to leave her husband and be with him. She's really driving me nuts. I want her to leave us the hell alone. I've asked my SO to block her emails, but he is hesitant because he wants to be aware of how crazy she's getting. I understand, I mean she's mentioned moving to the city we live in.

Does anyone think it would be helpful for me to email her? Really I just want to yell at her and tell her to leave us alone and stop accusing MY SO of being abusive or a rapist or whatever because it isn't true. I just seriously doubt it will help. My SO has tried to get her to quit, but he's is a pretty laid-back guy, much more likely to just leave or be quiet rather than yell or make a fuss when someone is really bothering him. So he's probably never really told her to get out.

I'm having a hard time just ignoring it because of what she's accusing my SO of. I was abused by a boyfriend before, and also by my father. So having someone accuse my SO of being abusive just brings up those awful memories. It also makes me extremely angry for her to talk about loving him. Not that it isn't ok for people to care about my SO, just that after all the "I just want to be friends" crap, it's really... It just makes me mad because she obviously can't be trusted. She's just lying left and right. I just want her to go away.

Any advice?

[.:*Shaunna*:.]

Wow she sounds like she needs a lot of mental help. I am not saying that to be rude either but she really needs to seek professional help as that behaviour is not normal.


Whatever you do, in my opinion I would not contact her. Do not add fuel to the fire as she is wanting a reaction and maybe for you two to even fight and if you contact her she may feel she is getting what she wants and may even make her worse. If it's just emails it's very easy to have someone blocked so it's probably best he cuts communication with her before things get way out of hand

[Irina_Linn]

ummm yea,i agree that u can write her.but its also important your SO tells her in harsh manner she can go f*ck herself.honestly i would be very alert coz she seems kind of psycho

[eatsbrains]

I've had a similar experience, though less intense. It seems never ending and it is VERY frustrating. I know from experience that you emailing her will send her into a hysteria most likely, and make it worse, no matter what tone you choose.

The thing that worked the best was 0 communication, just a complete wall. which is what your bf has been doing on and off it seems, and it does take a long time, it must be expected that she'll try out of the blue to communicate.

If your SO was asking this question, it would be so much easier to answer. Since it is not, there is very little I can provide for you. Ultimately, it's his ex, his business to deal with. You making him, or persuading him is only going to divide you (speaking from experience).

What you can do is talk to you SO. Explain how you are feeling about all of this, how you feel it's disrupting your lives (and how she's disrupting her life by remaining attached). Talk about how you'd like to discuss a game plan for how you two (ultimately him) can deal with the situation and perhaps have it done with.

I know I'm kind of giving you mixed advice, talk to him but don't convince him... ultimately, if he stands firm, you're gonna have to accept it or leave I'm thinking .

If he agrees here's what I think:
The best thing would be just to stop giving her any reply, and if she shows up, he ought to be ready to call the police. I think it would be unwise to underestimate her. She ought not to have updates or access to info about either of your goings-on or where you are even (obviously she knows where he works) further than what she has now. ANYTIME he contacts her, he resets the entire measure of progress made by the time she's been unanswered.

IF she threatens to hurt herself or someone, he should be calling the police, and in this circumstance (her threatening suicide) I think it might be better for him to say to her that he would be disappointed if she did that, but it is her choice and isn't because of him.

Good luck, sorry you're stuck in kind of a shit situation

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Definitely don't contact her. The more you and your SO indulge her, the more it'll interest her because it shows you're paying attention.. Even if it's negative attention, it's still attention.

I know your SO wants to judge how crazy she's being, but isn't there a chance that if she knows she can't get messages through, she'll stop sending messages? And on the school email front, if you know what the school name is, most school emails will be sensible, first name, last name, .edu links, so I'm thinking it's not an impossibility that she had a guess at that one.

I think that if your SO keeps in this in-between, she still has contact stage, you're going to keep receiving messages from her. If she knows she's not blocked, she knows she's getting through. In her mind, she might be believing that if he really didn't want to hear from her, he'd say, or he'd block her, so because messages are still getting through, maybe he wants to hear from her.

Having said that, I think him saying anything to her, realistically, is just going to add more drama into the mix, unless it's very formal, very polite, but with the understanding that he WILL be blocking her messages, he does NOT want to hear from her again, and that if he does, he will go and get a restraining order. Even then, we can't really know how she's going to react. I agree with eatsbrains that at some stage, you might have to involve the police, and if she's as unpredictable and scary as you're suggesting, get this stuff sorted sooner rather than later so you can all move on from this. Her too, because it sounds like she has some stuff she really needs to sort for herself.

Something needs to happen. Whether it's him completely blocking her, and notifying her of it, or completely blocking her and hoping it becomes clear, it just does. Because this in-between thing he and her have going on is only going to carry on until she gets tired of it, or there's no physical way she can carry on contacting you guys any more. And I think leaving it up to the former, you might not get rid of her period.

[loneliestgirl]

I get how frustrated and probably angry you are by the ex's harassment and probably your bf's seemingly non-chalant way of handling it. Your BF is going to have to handle it though. If you email her or confront her, it will only add to her delusion and cause when he doesn't back you up with his actions. She will take it as a sign that he is leaving the door a little bit open for her if he doesn't follow your lead and tell her point blank that he doesn't ever want the see or hear from her again and block her email and phone and if she continues to harass him that he will be in contact with the school administration as well as the local authorities.

I think for now, eatsbrains has the best plan. If your bf doesn't want to do it then you will need to sit him down and tell him exactly how it's affecting you and in turn the relationship and that it's not something you will want to deal with for an extended period of time beyond the two years you have already had to deal with.

[ThePiedPiper]

ummm yea,i agree that u can write her.but its also important your SO tells her in harsh manner she can go f*ck herself.honestly i would be very alert coz she seems kind of psycho

Why would you do this? When someone is this obsessive, especially when they're abusive, saying something abusive is only going to escalate the problem. OPer, please, I urge you not to recommend your SO do this, because she will retaliate and it will get even worse before it gets better.

My best advice would be to let it alone. You say she's hurling these things at your SO because he's not responding? Let her. She's going to get angry and she's going to do whatever she can to get his attention because even negative attention is better than no attention. Is she sending them through Facebook? Then delete them without reading, because FB allows people to see when you've read messages now.

In this same line of thought, I would say you sending an e-mail will only open the line of communication for her to start hurling abuse at you. Do you want her spamming both yours and your SO's inbox with these hateful things? You don't need or deserve the drama and it won't be just one e-mail and then she leaves you two alone. Trust me.

What you both need to do is block her. I understand he wants to keep her in his awareness, but if she moves, she moves and you can deal with it then. Right now it's the talk of someone desperate, lonely and someone who sounds like she's struggling with her mental and emotional health. If he can keep her in his awareness without ever giving in and responding to her e-mails, sure, fine, it's not what I'd recommend, but it won't do any harm. However, he genuinely needs to be able to keep 100% from responding to her because responding to her in ANY way, angry or friendly, will only encourage her to continue.

I would also recommend you staying out of it. This is why I suggest you two not read her e-mails. What's it doing? He's not responding but it's still causing enough stress and anxiety in you that you come to the forum to talk about it. I imagine it's causing him a similar amount of grief based on what she's saying. Do you both really need that based on what could be empty threats and, if they aren't, it's not going to stop her anyway? Sure, keep the e-mails you have now for evidence, but if you ever needed it, it's not going to be an e-mail that allows you to get the authorities involved. It'll be her showing up on your doorstep soaked in the blood of her freshly aborted baby. Exaggeration, but you get my point. You have enough evidence IF she ever moves, and quite honestly, it might be best to take it as an empty threat until it happens. IF it happens. Because at this point, it sounds like she's doing so much to get your under skin that continuing to read her e-mails is only harming the both of you. You don't need the strain on your relationship or personally.

When e-mailing her will only make it worse, and it would, the best thing to do is ignore it. Maybe even put her e-mails into a folder without reading them. That way, you're not encouraging her, but your SO will feel comfortable enough knowing he has any written evidence he might need if she ever shows up. But she hasn't yet, and at this point, it might be better to just assume she's going off the way she seems to be doing in all of her e-mails and trust that it's not going to happen.

[Irina_Linn]

Why would you do this? When someone is this obsessive, especially when they're abusive, saying something abusive is only going to escalate the problem. OPer, please, I urge you not to recommend your SO do this, because she will retaliate and it will get even worse before it gets better.

My best advice would be to let it alone. You say she's hurling these things at your SO because he's not responding? Let her. She's going to get angry and she's going to do whatever she can to get his attention because even negative attention is better than no attention. Is she sending them through Facebook? Then delete them without reading, because FB allows people to see when you've read messages now.

In this same line of thought, I would say you sending an e-mail will only open the line of communication for her to start hurling abuse at you. Do you want her spamming both yours and your SO's inbox with these hateful things? You don't need or deserve the drama and it won't be just one e-mail and then she leaves you two alone. Trust me.

What you both need to do is block her. I understand he wants to keep her in his awareness, but if she moves, she moves and you can deal with it then. Right now it's the talk of someone desperate, lonely and someone who sounds like she's struggling with her mental and emotional health. If he can keep her in his awareness without ever giving in and responding to her e-mails, sure, fine, it's not what I'd recommend, but it won't do any harm. However, he genuinely needs to be able to keep 100% from responding to her because responding to her in ANY way, angry or friendly, will only encourage her to continue.

I would also recommend you staying out of it. This is why I suggest you two not read her e-mails. What's it doing? He's not responding but it's still causing enough stress and anxiety in you that you come to the forum to talk about it. I imagine it's causing him a similar amount of grief based on what she's saying. Do you both really need that based on what could be empty threats and, if they aren't, it's not going to stop her anyway? Sure, keep the e-mails you have now for evidence, but if you ever needed it, it's not going to be an e-mail that allows you to get the authorities involved. It'll be her showing up on your doorstep soaked in the blood of her freshly aborted baby. Exaggeration, but you get my point. You have enough evidence IF she ever moves, and quite honestly, it might be best to take it as an empty threat until it happens. IF it happens. Because at this point, it sounds like she's doing so much to get your under skin that continuing to read her e-mails is only harming the both of you. You don't need the strain on your relationship or personally.

When e-mailing her will only make it worse, and it would, the best thing to do is ignore it. Maybe even put her e-mails into a folder without reading them. That way, you're not encouraging her, but your SO will feel comfortable enough knowing he has any written evidence he might need if she ever shows up. But she hasn't yet, and at this point, it might be better to just assume she's going off the way she seems to be doing in all of her e-mails and trust that it's not going to happen.

i didnt say she has to write her emotional mail saying how badly she acts.i am just speaking from my own temper,i would write to her if anyone did that to my SO.because i know him,he would keep that going for like forever not being able to say no.maybe i'm wrong,but i prefer that option rather than waiting till the moment she starts doing something,that will need police involvement

[ayarusworld]

my advice is don't contact her! And talk to ur SO how do u feel abt this n ask him to block her so she cannot contact ur ex anymore.
I think this is the best solution and I think ur SO should listen and understand u and block her.

[Dutchie]

I agree with what most people here have said, whatever you do, DON'T contact her or give her ANY kind of attention whatsoever. The same goes for your SO. I completely get that you're pissed off, hell, I get pissed off even reading this but I have enough experience with this kind of thing to know that she is desperately trying to get a foot in the door with her emails and accusations. Her main goal at this point is to get a reaction and if you or your SO fall for the noxious trap she is setting she will have her foot in the door and things will get a LOT worse. I really can't stress that enough!

In any case, DO go to the police, even if they can't do anything about it right now, have them write a report on the situation, so that if she goes any further they'll have enough previous documentation to make a case against her. It will also help if the police are aware of her insane accusations in case she ever decides to press charges against your SO, judging from her rantings there is a small chance she'll get crazy enough to actually try that. I don't know how the police in America work and if they document cases they can't do anything about yet but I'd definitely give it a shot and try very hard to convince them that this woman is trying to make your lives as miserable as she possibly can. Because I'm pretty sure that's what she's after, I just don't know how far she will go...

I hope things don't get out of hand, keep us posted will you?

[Waddams]

You're SO needs to send her a written, documented request to cease contacting him. Without that, any future legal action that could ensue would hit a brick wall because a judge can't issue an order unless you've tried on your own first.

If she sends an email threatening suicide, he should forward it to the police in her area.

If she sends threatening, or abusive, communications, then he should take it to the police in his area and file a report. They might not be able to act on it, but having the report on file (and him keeping a copy of the report) will help with future issues if needed. He could also go to the local magistrate and file for a TPO, and while it's not likely to be approved, again having a copy of the documentation on file in an official court record will help with future issues.

Tell your BF to google "The Duluth Model of Domestic Violence Intervention". Look up the power and control wheels, and the equality wheels. It's got a really good way of breaking down abusive behavior. Then tell him to look up some articles on emotional manipulation/abuse. What his ex-GF is doing is emotional abuse. He needs to set his boundaries and cut it off. She's going to go berserk, but that's her business, not his. Especially if she's cross country. If he really wants to play hardball, he could send copies of the emails to her husband.

She's bouncing back and forth between idealizing him and devaluing him. It's called "Splitting". It's a psychological term that means one minute you think someone can do no wrong, place them on a pedestal, and they are perfect. Then something challenges the idealization, and a fit of rage sets in. Then, the idealized object (in this case your BF) has to be all bad, and no good. The person doing the splitting then has a rage of anger and they end up being abusive, emotionally/physically/etc. Then they have a period of guilt, come back and apologize, say it won't happen again, and go back to idealizing again. And it becomes a cycle of idealizing/devaluing.

She's not going to stop her part of the cycle. Your BF is going to have to stop his part to break the cycle. He says he wants to keep tabs on her crazy, but there's probably also a bit of guilt/obligation where he feels he can't abandon her. If you look up emotional manipulation/abuse, there are 3 base emotions abusers try to inspire to maintain control - Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. In this case, she's an ex-GF, and your BF needs to set his boundaries that he won't tolerate being treated like this. He needs to cut her off. That's how you leave an abusive cycle. You withdraw from the interactions and don't participate anymore.

The most likely outcome is she'll have what I've learned to call and "extinction burst". It works like this. Imagine your in an elevator. You're used to pushing a button and having the elevator go to that floor. So you're used to a certain outcome when you push a certain button. However, if you push that button one time, and the elevator doesn't move as normal, the first thing you do? You push the same button a bunch of times, and harder, before giving up and finding something else to go do. In the same way, the ex-GF is used to pushing his buttons and getting the same reaction. When she stops getting the reaction, she's going to react first by pushing the sames buttons harder and more often. Eventually, THEY ALL GET TIRED OF NO REACTION. They thrive on the drama. When it's not there, they go seek their entertainment elsewhere.

Your BF is going to have to go no contact with her, then enforce it. Just block her emails, block her phone number, etc. No response. She'll try to find a way to intensify her contact attempts, and that will also be simultaneous with her acting out a lot of anger towards him. And when there's still no response, she'll eventually give up and go find a new victim. He can speed the process by sending her husband copies of the emails she's sent him. It would blow up her world, but she'd split him bad forever, and he'd never hear from her again.

I'm speaking as a guy that's endured some pretty significant abuse from an ex-GF and had to kick her out, go through all kinds of court related issues to get her out, ended up in counseling and got quite an education on disordered people, how to spot them, and how to protect myself from their craziness. She sounds definitely mentally/emotionally unhealthy, and perhaps even rising to clinically disordered. The accusastions of abuse/rape/etc., it's probably happened to her before. And now that's how she projects when she acts out. She needs professional help, and despite how bad he might feel for her, she won't go get it as long as she has someone out there she can turn to instead. The best thing he can do for her is to stop enabling her, and send her packing.

And you should not contact her under any circumstances. Don't step into that back and forth cycle. It will only create triangulation between you, your BF, and the ex-GF, and it will make things worse.

[Dutchie]

Agreed with EVERYTHING Waddams said! Sound advice if there ever was any!

Waddams, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, seems like you're a better/wiser person for it though

[carolynred]

I agree with what Waddams said and everyone else as well: do not contact her. I can understand why your SO maintains on and off contact, but from my personal experience its best to build up that solid wall that stops all communication. My ex from five years ago would do the same thing to me, and I, like your SO, maintained a very light contact with him in case things with him got too crazy that I needed to stay aware. Starting about a few months ago I just plain out did not respond to him, blocked him on Facebook, etc. My ex attempted to text me a few times, and after a few months he gave up and now I haven't heard from him. My point is that talking to her is what keeps her going, whether it be from you or your SO. Every response will fuel her fire for talking to him.

I think Waddams gave from very solid advice when it comes to legal matters and had I known about it months ago I would personally followed his advice myself. I hope your SO will be willing to follow such advice, I can't imagine him enjoying the conversations from this ex anyway. Good luck to the both of you!

[sewbama]

Thanks for the help guys. I am so glad I was able to come vent here rather than make an irreversible snap decision to email her when I was mad. I absolutely agree, emailing her is her winning, but honestly reading her emails is her winning. Spending any amount of time, thought, or energy on her is her winning, and I'm done with it.

Yesterday, I told my SO that I don't want to hear about her emails anymore at all. He was fine with that. Today, we talked about it some more, and I was more forthcoming with how much she really gets to me. I suppose he just didn't know how much she bothered me (how could he if I hadn't told him?). I told him I started to write an email to her (which I did, never got past putting her email address in) and showed him that I started a thread here about it. (He doesn't come to this site so that I'm comfortable talking about stuff here.) I let him read the thread, so he'd know what I think about it, and so he can see the advice given by all you incredibly helpful, intelligent people.

He said that seeing it written out like that helped him see it more objectively. And he appreciates all the answers. (I do, too.) He's decided to filter emails from her and keep them (not delete them) but have them automatically go to a folder and be marked read so that they don't show up in his inbox. I think keeping them (without reading them) is the right thing to do in case any proof of anything is ever necessary for whatever. We're unsure about the email asking her to stop contacting, but I think that might be a good idea. Something simple. Just for proof on our end, again, in case it is eventually necessary.

For clarity's sake, he hasn't contacted her on and off. She's contacted him on and off. He's contacted her twice since we've been together with about two years between. And she doesn't have his phone number. But anyway... He's likely going to send a "cease and desist" type letter and then stop reading them.

All in all, this has worked out pretty well. Thanks guys. You are awesome.