Who to choose... need help

[chizatlauren]

Hi everyone.

I just want to ask for other's opinion aside from my best friend's because I think I am really in a difficult situation.

My SO and I have been together for a few months. 8,000 miles, Arizona and Manila. I'm really happy whenever I see him on Skype, and we're saving up for his plane tickets to come here on my birthday. Everything was going smoothly for the two of us... he's doing his best for the relationship even if it's really hard sometimes. He's a really nice guy.

But then, one day, my ex-boyfriend who lives near me (we've been together for six years) went to my office and wanted to talk with me. He told me the real reason for our break-up, and I wasn't really expecting it. We broke up for a very serious reason that has nothing to do with his attitude but because of his SITUATION. He was also a nice guy, and I was happy with him until that situation came in. The only hindrance to our relationship was my parents, because they want me to break up with him and they don't like him for me. (I'M ALREADY 21, FOR PETE'S SAKE!) So yeah, we broke up and I tried to move on, and now he's telling me that the REASON why we broke up isn't really a valid reason. He just wanted to protect me so he had to do something (that I can't explain in here).

I became confused. I feel the exact same feeling for these two men, and it doesn't help that my current SO is living 8,000 miles away, and I haven't even held his hand.

After I talked with my ex, I talked with my current SO on Skype, and I asked him to tell me if he's really serious with me. He then admitted that he hasn't been 100 percent honest... he stated something about him NOT having an ex-girlfriend. I asked him before if he had a GF before me and he said he had two. He even cried when he told me that his ex cheated on him. I cried with him then. Then suddenly, he told me that he NEVER had a GF, and that he has been lying to me the entire time about it. He said he just want to be completely honest before I decide to choose him. I feel like i'm an idiot, but I really love him. I said okay, let me decide first on who should I choose between the two of you.

I don't really know who to choose... should I stay with my SO who i don't really know until the day we finally meet for the first time, or try to settle things again with my ex who wants me back?

I never thought that things can weigh exactly the same for me, and I don't want to make the wrong decision someday. I really, really love my SO, but after my ex showed up, he lied to me and I fear that he might be hiding something else... I don't know if i can trust him. But I love him so much.

[Jazi]

What does your gut tell you?

I'm sorry I can't really offer anything but that.. YOU need to follow your gut/feelings/heart.

[Rugger]

Both of them lied to you. But I firmly believe that Exes are exes for a reason. You can't keep going back with them just because it's comfortable. He ended it with you and broke your heart, because he couldn't communicate with you. But your SO also lied about his past history.

Only your gut can tell you

Best luck

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I agree with rugger, exes are exes for a reason. And although your current SO lied about having had girlfriends before - which I think is dismissible, your ex is coming back and saying that the reason that you broke up wasn't really a reason - so he lied to you too, only with the intention that it would break you up.

The thing about your current SO is is that you're still curious to meet. And even if you go off with your ex, there's going to be this niggly little thought about that guy that you fell for that you really wanted to meet. But if you get back with your ex, you'll just end up putting your current SO in the position that you're in now, because he'll move on, and one day, you'll go back and ask if you can pick it up again.

I'm kind of on the fence about what to tell you here. I actually think that, if either one of them was 'right' for you, you'd be able to tell. If you were over your ex enough to be in a new relationship, you'd be committed to the one that you're in. And if your current SO was enough for you, you wouldn't even be considering getting back with your ex, and vice versa, if you were sure about your ex, you might not have gotten this involved with your SO. I think you need some time away from both of them to clear your head about some stuff and work out what you really want.

[summerkid]

6 years relationship with your ex.. you're 21.. you've been together since you were 15. Your instinct/gut whatever is important, but I also believe exes are exes for a reason and in this situation in particular, I think you are tempted because he is a comfortable easy choice ( he's all you know, first love, close by ).

[Captivated]

Life is full of hard decisions; ones you can't really expect answers to from strangers. Only you know your situation in its entirety - you know who you want even though you may not fully realize it yet. Meditate on it.

Good luck!

[ThePiedPiper]

6 years relationship with your ex.. you're 21.. you've been together since you were 15. Your instinct/gut whatever is important, but I also believe exes are exes for a reason and in this situation in particular, I think you are tempted because he is a comfortable easy choice ( he's all you know, first love, close by ).

I agree. How do you know he's also not just pursuing you because you're with someone else? Or seem to happier as a result of it?

I don't know. Personally I tend to feel like if you can't choose, then you're not mature enough to be in a relationship, because a relationship shouldn't be about choosing between two people. Then again, I've never had to choose and have never asked a forum about it, so maybe I simply don't understand it.

All I will say is that there's risks with either of them, but your ex is an ex for a reason. You two will have changed in your time apart and have probably both changed since the young age of 15. Your current SO lied to you. That's also something to consider, but in the context of your current SO and not whether or not you should get back with your ex and give him another chance.

Things don't often work like the movies, where the ex stands up and out to say I made a mistake and it all goes hunky dory.

[kittyo9]

Here's something to consider. It's not my advice, but something I always keep in mind. Someone once told me, "If you can't choose between the two, then neither is right for you."

Your current SO's lie really isn't a big deal. Your former SO broke up with you. If you're done with that chapter, turn the page.

[sewbama]

Here's something to consider. It's not my advice, but something I always keep in mind. Someone once told me, "If you can't choose between the two, then neither is right for you."

Your current SO's lie really isn't a big deal. Your former SO broke up with you. If you're done with that chapter, turn the page.

Exactly what I was thinking. If you don't know which of them you want, you want neither. You are young. Take some time away from relationships (seems like you've never just been a single adult -- one guy for 6 years, soon after with someone else?). You need to find who you are as a person. When you know yourself better decisions like this are easy. You don't want relationships to define you.

[ThePiedPiper]

Exactly what I was thinking. If you don't know which of them you want, you want neither. You are young. Take some time away from relationships (seems like you've never just been a single adult -- one guy for 6 years, soon after with someone else?). You need to find who you are as a person. When you know yourself better decisions like this are easy. You don't want relationships to define you.

^ This. I was pretty much involved since I was 16. I am now 21. I broke up with ex in November and while everyone told me I should take some time to rediscover "me," I didn't believe them until it actually began to fall into place for me. Now I'm not even single and looking.

[chizatlauren]

The thing about your current SO is is that you're still curious to meet. And even if you go off with your ex, there's going to be this niggly little thought about that guy that you fell for that you really wanted to meet. But if you get back with your ex, you'll just end up putting your current SO in the position that you're in now, because he'll move on, and one day, you'll go back and ask if you can pick it up again.

This is so true. This is one of the reasons that I don't want to give my SO up, because I might forever be thinking about the 'what ifs'... What if I met him in person? What if I chose him? What if he doesn't really mean to lie?

My SO's reason for lying by the way, is that he was so ashamed of admitting that he never had a GF. He felt like he's a loser if he admitted that. So he said he just waited for the right time.

My ex's reason for breaking up with me, on the other hand, was to protect me. My parents don't like him, and they told him to leave me alone because they don't want him for me. That's why he broke up with me. It really hurt me a lot, but he never told me that my parents just forced him to break up with me. I thought he just really wanted me to get out of his life.

I still don't really know what I want... I want to remain single for now, but I'm afraid I might lose the opportunity of being with someone that I really love if I don't choose one of them. I'm pretty sure they both love me, and I have to decide one way or another...

[Tooki]

This is so true. This is one of the reasons that I don't want to give my SO up, because I might forever be thinking about the 'what ifs'... What if I met him in person? What if I chose him? What if he doesn't really mean to lie?

My SO's reason for lying by the way, is that he was so ashamed of admitting that he never had a GF. He felt like he's a loser if he admitted that. So he said he just waited for the right time.

My ex's reason for breaking up with me, on the other hand, was to protect me. My parents don't like him, and they told him to leave me alone because they don't want him for me. That's why he broke up with me. It really hurt me a lot, but he never told me that my parents just forced him to break up with me. I thought he just really wanted me to get out of his life.

I still don't really know what I want... I want to remain single for now, but I'm afraid I might lose the opportunity of being with someone that I really love if I don't choose one of them. I'm pretty sure they both love me, and I have to decide one way or another...

If you really can't chose one over the other, you have to chose neither.

[dem&ter]

Don't be over thinking about this. Because it's gonna be always pros and cons lists and before you realize, that just make you're confused even more. And pick one instead of another won't solve any, when something's going bad you'll regret yourself and, girl, that's not what you're supposed to feel.

[Mayokohi]

I've been in a similar situation ... Which one of them would you regret more if you let them go? Both seems to have lied once but admitted to it... Which one do you feel you can trust more or that you can work better with to build the trust again? Which one do you feel you're more comfortable with right now and you're having more pleasant times with? Guess you gotta weigh those answers and go with whom you feel is right...

Do they know about each other?

Sorry I can't help much... I ended up choosing neither and found a more wonderful man ^^'

[TwoThree]

Ok, I have something to say here.

They both lied to you. Fine. It's up to you to decide if you can live with that.

However, your current SO actually cried when he told you that his imaginary ex cheated on him. He sounds like a sociopath to me. Seriously, I'd be scared to meet someone like that.