It's not getting easier.

[butlerfly]

So he has been gone for 6 weeks now (3 weeks training, 3 weeks going on the cruise ship) and it's just not getting any easier... it's getting harder! I don't know what to do to make it better. I've tried to keep my weekends busy but I can't be busy all the time and I still miss him so much.

On Friday I went to see my friends who lives about 40 mins away and we went out for drinks with her brother. but when I woke up on Saturday morning I just found myself missing him so much even though we were busy. I stayed over Saturday night and come home this morning. I live with my Grandmas and her husband but they have gone on holiday for a couple of weeks and I normally have Stephen come round and keep me company when they go away. So perhaps that's why I feel I'm feeling a bit down today.

When I was out on Friday I met a guy we talked most of the night and we were flirting. I stayed faithful, but feel so guilty, but it was nice to have that attention and interaction with someone. I have another 8 months until he is home. So I worry I may slip up by that time . and I worry that he may slip up. That may sound like I don't trust but I do. Just 9 months is a long time.

Since he has been gone I am eating more and exercising less which only leads to weight gone and with that I haven't been feeling to great about myself. I don't feel like myself without him around. I am trying my best to get on with things and not feel sorry for myself, but one minute I feel ok and the next I can find myself all teary. Same with feeling positive thinking it will come round quick then thinking we have a long way to go. I feel the only way to fix things is to get a big hug from him. Distance never comes at the right time. but he has gone right at the wrong time. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at the end of last year and started her chemo a couple of weeks ago. Everything is fine and she will be fine. but sometimes I just wish he was here.

Communications isn't great but it would be worse. It's so expensive on the ship. $40 for 460 minutes and some times tight for time working 13 hours shifts and time difference. but I know he is making an effort to contact me.
I do feel a little annoyed that I have sent messages that are a couple of paragraphs long and I have only only got a couple of line back,(at least I am getting something back) but to be honest this is what he would have been like at home when I would text him. and he has mentioned about using the internet in a hurry. We spoke on Skype for the 1st time the other day and it was great! He looked all smiley and happy to see me. he asked if he could just stare. Then we had a quick call on Friday before I went to my friend's I was busy getting my stuff together and baking hot cross buns and he was in a restaurant.

On Friday he mentioned something about extending for a month at the end. He didn't say he was going to. he said that they used to let people do that but wasn't sure if they still could but Christmas is a good time to be on the ship to earn extra money. I really don't want him to extend. Its hard enough him being gone 10 months through choice but then to extend for another month through choice. just makes me think that he is no rush to see me again. Although I love him so much I think if he did extend for longer I would think about ending it. As it would seem he would just be thinking about himself,his happiness and money. He is working as a Personal Trainer on a cruise ship I know this is a great opportunity for him which he needs to whilst he is still young. but an extra month would just be too much and I would wonder where the thought about me would be.

I'm sorry this is long one and may seem a bit all over. but just in one of those moods.

[eatsbrains]

First off, I just wanna say, and I dunno if other LFADers feel the same, but the distance gets harder as it goes, and it's important to understand that it isn't something that a person just "gets used to", really.

I think a lot of the things you said were stuff that ppl in LDRs feel quite commonly, you're definitely not the only one. It's very emotionally draining, and from the sounds of it, you've got a lot of other stuff going on. So that makes it harder to deal with.

The distracting yourself thing is a good idea, but I do agree with you that it only goes so far. Sometimes it's just not enough. In those times I gotta let myself have a bit of a cry out, or vent (on here works great because we can all relate!). It's just too difficult to walk around trying to keep it all balled in. I think this sort of build up of everything you are going through right now happens to most people, I know it happened to me. And I expect it will again. With the positive thinking, again, I think sometimes you just gotta give in to all the shit that is going on and let yourself have a cry over it.

Perhaps you need to find some techniques for you to use to get yourself in a happier mood. Perhaps you gotta work more on your "me" time--something you haven't really mentioned.

I also think that you need to figure out what you really need from him (within reason of course) and communicate those needs to him (I just had this problem myself and someone pointed it out to me on here). If he's not communicating well with you via text, maybe try talking to him about why that is and explain how it's something you really feel makes the whole distance thing easier for you, and is a big part of your means to have a relationship right now. The Skype sessions sound like they really help you feel better about the whole thing, and him as well, and I think that they are something the two of you should be tapping in to, to better deal with the distance together.

That extra month is tricky, and perhaps it's something you ought to talk to him a bit more about. Find out if he is considering it or not, and go from there. If he is, it really is something you ought to be in the know about. If he does want to do it, you have to decide whether you think an extra month apart is worth ending a good relationship over. I think you should make your concerns clear to him as well though, without trying to control his decision. After all, it does affect you a great deal. And perhaps he didn't think YOU would mind so much if he stayed an extra month.

It does sound like he's also missing you a great deal, but different people deal with it different ways. I know sometimes my SO can act as if the distance is no problem at all, at least that what I perceive it as.

Lastly, the situations you find yourself in where you worry you'll slip up. Perhaps it's something where you need to recognize situations that may lead into that and avoid them. The attention is definitely nice, but if you've decided whole-heartedly that you're in this LDR with your SO, it's not worth risking it.

At the end of the day, remember that LDRs are hard. They suck. But there's obviously a reason you've chosen to do it that it worth it to you, your SO. So cut yourself some slack and try to de-stress yourself. And enjoy what you can out of the relationship, it's supposed to be fun, and can be if you let it!

[Kiyama]

I think you're still getting used to the distance. I can just speak for myself but it took me quite a while to get used to it. But you will! Hang in there. I know these days when it all seems hopeless but try to focus on the future when you're back together. It'll be all worth it!

I'm sorry about your mum. I hope she'll be better soon.

With regard to the extra month... Just wait and see how it works out. 10 months is an incredibly long time not to see the person you love. However, a the end of the day, is a month really that bad? He's doing it for you and for your future together, saving up more money. It's worth thinking about it at least.
You know my SO and I thought we could close the distance after a little bit over a year. Turns out there is a regulation so it'll be at least two years. Did I feel desperate about it? Yes I did. Did I think about breaking up in dark moments? Yes I did. But deep in my heart I know that life gets in the way now and then and if you truly love each other, you'll get through it and it'll make your relationship that much stronger. Good luck!

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

You said you're pretty much just keeping busy and doing stuff. With time apart as long as you're dealing with - and I'm doing 2 weeks shy of a year this time - the important thing to keep you sane is actually achieving things in your own life. Not JUST staying busy, but actually working towards a tangible goal. Because 11 months of waiting around for someone... if you can't get on and get involved with things that will make you feel good about your own life, you're going to start seeking other ways to make you feel good, like you've experienced, flirting with another guy. I think that's relatively harmless, but it's a slippery slope, and if you don't have other things to make you feel good, it'll be easy to indulge yourself and flirt more and more until something that you didn't intend to happen happens. Is there anything YOU can do with this time? Is there anything you can do to advance your career, or get more involved with a hobby? I'm at university studying, but with my spare time and in the school breaks, I find art projects that are going on in my local areas and get involved. And it makes me feel good about myself as an individual. And I think that's something you've not worked out how to do yet.

I'm really sorry about your mum, I really wish for the best for her. It's also something you have to learn to deal with, your SO missing important things. We've had two family deaths this year between us, and we just can't be there physically. What we can do is be supportive and try and make extra time for each other when there's particularly bad periods, and really make the most of our time together. And I know that if he could be here, he would.

And that's another thing - I know you miss him, but there's an important reason that he's doing this. And if you love him and you respect him, you'll respect that this is something he wants out of his life. That doesn't mean you have to stay with him. But remember that this is about him doing something for himself, it's not him personally choosing to be away from you. I think I speak for a lot of people in LDRs when I say that if I could choose, I wouldn't be long distance, but I know that there's a purpose.

I don't know for sure about you, but one of the things I think makes missing my SO worse is when I start finding the distance overwhelming. Like the distance could swallow up my whole relationship. You need to have confidence in your relationship, and yourself, that you and he are strong enough and want to be together enough that the distance is just a bump in the road. And that, most importantly, if he's prepared to wait for you, he must love you very much.

I try and remind myself of all the things I've mentioned to you: 1. That we are separated for now because there are things we both need to do right now so that our relationship is better in the future. 2. There are things in my life that make me feel good that aren't dependent on my SO being here. 3. My SO, even if he's not here for me physically, is still here for me mentally and emotionally. and 4. He loves ME enough that he is also prepared to wait all this time.