Should i continue my pursue

[destroyer]

hello there everybody. i'm new here. found this site and it suits me well.

a brief introduction of me. i work as a engineer. I travel a lot. and she's still studying for her bachelor degree (final year)

so, after i finish high school, i went to matriculation/pre-u. that's the first time i've met her. then i left matriculation to go for maritime academy. i kinda lost contact of her. actlly, i've never talked to her. i've found her friendster and we're starting to get close. and then i went sailing for my 2nd year. during that period, friendster is dead n immediately i lost contact.

then by accident, i found her FB profile page. so, we're connected again. she's still single. the relationship on the net going for almost 8 moths before i've decided to met her on her birthday. i've made her a birthday card. i've never been so creative in my life and that's my first time.

after that meet up, we're so very close for about 1 month (never meet up again though, but by texting, calling, n over the net). we talked about so many things, our life and the future that we're going to have together. i was so excited n looking forward for it. i mean. i was 24 and i've never ever been on a date in my entire life. she's my first.

it started last month. just after her sem break ended and school starts. she's go quite in an instant. i've tried calling n texting her but there's no answer. then after 5 days, she's text and said that she's busy with her assignments, students life, eg.

so i don't bother her quite often. just wishing her good morning n good night. sometimes she replied, sometimes she doesn't. don't talk about regular texting though. she wouldn't even bother about it. there's not many activities going on her FB. giving me the first feeling that she's really busy. so, i've decide to not bother her too much and just wishing her coz i've to repect her time for her study.

it is this one day when i realised she got someone else. she suddenly went active again on FB. and guess what. i saw some cheesy comments about her and someone from her friends. so i do a lil bit of investigation. found out that it is true she was seeing someone else. probably for few weeks only they've met. yet still, they're going serious.

so my question is.

1) should i continue my pursue for her? she and me really got the same common interest. but at the same time, my gut tells me not to since she might just be a poser. she do all the stuff just to make people thinks that she's different. she really like being popular though. and that guy she's with now kinda hotter than me and visionary(active in some groups as leader but he's the kind of guy that go "me first") as well.

2) i have a feeling that the guy going to dump her when he met someone hotter and IF she comes back to me, should i give her the second chances?

3) if i move up, should i be getting into any serious relationship? i don't wanna get hurt again. but at the same time i was lonely as well. and my job nature kinda restrict me to socialize.

4) if i do found new love, what can i do to strengthen my relationship. Is FACE to FACE communication really important?

[Kristin91]

Has it been confirmed that she's dating someone else? You should try to have another conversation with her to get her side of the story. Otherwise, I really don't know what to tell you...

[destroyer]

i never asked her. but from that guy FB, looks like they're having relationship. her friends also tease them bout it on one of the guy photo. and judging by her reaction, my gut is telling me that she's trying to distance herself away from me. and just now, her FB is no longer on single.

she used to keep it as single. she's really not that secretive type. when she changed something on her FB, she really means it.

and how do i asked her to confirm? i'm in dilemma now. i was thinking to stop any communication already.

[dragonlady]

i am sorry to say, but what i read from you she is not that into you...busy or not there is always time for a text or a short email..
the only think you can do is tell her that you really like her and want to be more than friends and ask her what she thinks about it
good luck!!

[dem&ter]

......the only think you can do is tell her that you really like her and want to be more than friends and ask her what she thinks about it
good luck!!

Yes that! I've been taught as a woman side, before anything is locked down you're still in the market. So probably she's seeing someone else, probably she's not. The only way you can know about the actual fact is by asking her! Good luck!

[destroyer]

i'll find the guts to ask her. thanks for the advice.

btw, what will she think of me once i ask her that? will that affect anything in the future. let's say she's really into someone else.

[dem&ter]

Okay... None here would know about what's actually going on in her mind. Just take that simple first step... ASK to her. If you haven't tried it, really-you would never know anything and she would never know that too!! If she's into someone else, at least you would know that, straight from her, not just some assumption.

But still, as I told you, there is still a chance, she's probably not seeing anybody, so take that probability too.

[Thanh]

after that meet up, we're so very close for about 1 month (never meet up again though, but by texting, calling, n over the net). we talked about so many things, our life and the future that we're going to have together. i was so excited n looking forward for it. i mean. i was 24 and i've never ever been on a date in my entire life. she's my first.

I thought that meant you both have gone in the same direction for the realtionship, which also meant the exclusivity for the both of you. I, as a girl, probably same as every girls, wouldn't talk about "our life and the future that we're going to have together" if I wasn't supposed to commit to the guy. You and her obviously were meant to be together. If she wanted to get out of the relationship with you, she should have talked to you about it...
And by that, I think she has been treating you unfairly. You certainly should talk to her, not only to clear things between you and her, but also to see if she still has any respect left for your feelings toward her. Then you will probably know what you will do if she comes back to you in the future (if thats the case).

[MattDavies86]

You have to ask her, that's the bottom line or your only going to wonder if she is or isn't and then you'll drag this whole rotten feeling you have out, she is the only one that can answer, just say you noticed her friends comments etc and your a bit worried. If it's true then just wave good bye to her, easier said than done but if it's true she doesn't deserve you.

[destroyer]

i've finally got the guts and ask her. she told me that she's just not into texting and onlining. and she's not seeing anyone as well. it's my bad to have doubted her. luckily it was resolved

i think maybe it's my mistake for never tell her how i really feel. i did that because i don't want to burden her with responsibility because she's now into final sem.

next step, i'll tell her what i truly feel.

[dem&ter]

See? It does seem better now right? And good luck for next step!

[dragonlady]

yeah! great news!!

[destroyer]

*new update

so, i've asked her if she's already found her someone special. and she replied "maybe".

maybe i've shud give her more space and continue our relationship casually. coz i want to build a relationship that last until the end. not just something that fail half the way. she's still stdying though. maybe we're just too young...

i still haven't spill my feelings to her though. should i do it. at 23-24 of ages, is it too early/young for any serious relationship?

[LilyChiba]

If people can fall in love and stay married for decades upon decades at 18-early 20s, I don't see why that is too young. Even though me and my ex didn't work out, we still said such things because at the time, that was how we felt. Take a chance, it's either going to pay off or not in the end. We're still good friends, one of those few cases where that happens. Been dating my SO since I was 23 now and I said those things back then too, because its how I feel.

[dem&ter]

Nope that's not to young. Psychologically speaking, in 23 and/or 24 years old, you are in a perfect stage to build any serious relationship. Young adults in this stage even are supposed to make deep personal commitments to others (Erikson, 1985) > Yeah, that kind of old reference.

Next thing is, yes, none of us wants to fail while we're making any serious relationship. But sometimes, it happens, it fails. When it failed, it doesn't mean you've failed in every aspect of your life too. We still need to get hurt- sometimes, to make us resilient. Don't idealize everything, because you will get disappointed when it comes to be not so perfect. And relationship never gets perfect. It has ups and downs itself.

The most important part for making an intimate relationship with other is: you will learn about how to communicate, how to deal with some odd situation, how to show your feeling without hurting the others, how to understand, and soon...

Of course you can sit and wait and wondering about how amazing your relationship with her would be in future, but seriously, if you do not make any move right now... That's always just a plan and never be a real thing. She's there, she's having her life, you give up now to show your feeling to her, sooner or later, there must be someone else will take that chance. And guess what, you will be hurt, you will regret by not doing anything.

It's worth it enough to try. It's good for you, for your confidence, even if it doesn't make a good result. At least, you will know and set yourself up for another next plan and move on. It's easier than just wait and wondering, and then probably get hurt or not (The chance is 50:50 for this condition). Be a gentleman...

Good luck!