I need some advice

[matt0680]

So i have been in a ldr with my SO for nearly a year in a half, in january she decided that she didnt want a ldr anymore, about 4 weeks later we were back together. In June the same thing happened again, that she didnt not want a ldr

heres the thing, ive made alot of mistakes over and over again..its true,i didnt treat her well enough.. she thinks im pathetic because of this but claims its not the reason why she broke up with me, but i really think its because of my actions that put her off having a distance relationship, more than the actual distance itself, if that makes sence.

I have wrote her the best apology letter i could write about 1 week ago, but she has not recived it yet, though she knows im already sorry. I had to tell her i sent one else she wont know it has arrived in the post office yet.

she asked what the letter was about, so i told her briefly..she said its to late to be sorry

But a few weeks before the breakup & after have not been very good, ive talked to her about 2 times a week for an hour or so..sometimes shes actualy happy to hear from me, other times she is cold with me (but not mean), well basicly shes been hot and cold ever since. This is by far NOT her normal behaviour

Im just concentrating on rebuilding our friendship first before looking any further, i know she has still alot of feelings left for me. im afraid of not contacting her for say..3 weeks because feelings in a relationship like this can vanish quicker than a real relationship.

so i need some advice on how to rebuild this, her friendship alone is worth fighting for, shes really special to me..and her love, it means the world to me.

thanks

[COgrl789]

Hmmm...Part of me thinks that she's kinda worried that you will treat her poorly again. Whatever you may have done. Personally, I think she's been hurt by you and she's trying to draw some distance. I think you should talk to her, try to get her to tell you why the break up. And also tell her that she is very special and you ARE willing to try. Really show a lot of effort in it as well, actions speak louder then words. LDR are hard, so every little thing you do counts a lot.

Seems like she still has feelings for you, but may not want to get hurt. Hope that helps

[LadyMarchHare]

Are you aware of what you did specifically that was poor treatment/unwanted by her? Knowing what your mistakes are is key in learning how to fix them and not repeat them. If you've been trying to act better and not act that way I would at least think that it would be obvious to her even a little bit. That you want to salvage the relationship at least shows you're willing to fix whatever problems you have to make her happy and keep her in your life. Just keep in mind changing yourself entirely is not healthy.

With her behavior, is there a pattern? Like do certain subjects or instances bring out the cold shoulder or is it just seemingly at random? It could be she's having doubts and is reliving the past or is getting negative feedback from friends/family concerning you or she may be going through some bad times. You might want to point out this behavior to her and explain it seems odd to you since you're unaware of the cause and if it's you or anything you could possibly help with. Without her cooperation there's not much you can do to rebuild even a friendship because even that takes two willing parties and it's sounding like there may only be one.

[paulawriteslove]

Well how do you treat her? I know that sometimes I feel like my boyfriend doesn't spend enough time with me. But we try to work through our different schedules and make time for each other. Maybe try to spend some more time talking to her and showing her that you care.

[matt0680]

Well the hot & cold behaviour is totaly random, it could be different everyday. i know pretty much exactly all the mistakes ive done. i really dont want to hurt her again and would rather not experience this again...ive told her that im willing to do whatever it takes to regain her trust, so you guys think that i should talk to her about this behaviour? thanks

[paulawriteslove]

I think that if there is anything wrong in the relationship you should talk it out with your SO. That's how me and my boyfriend are. If anything is bothering us we talk it out and work it out before it gets out of control.

[Silviar]

I have a question, after reading your responses - how old are both of you?

[matt0680]

im 19 and shes 17, but i think i'll wait untill she has got my letter before mentioning anything about this

[matt0680]

Ok so ive got an update now, i talked to her about this behaviour and her response was 'sorry i cant be nice with everyone' & 'if i want to act like this then its ok', i dont know what to do now

[BoogleBee]

Is that all she said? How much did you say to her? Did you have a proper discussion?
Has she got your letter yet?
I just read your first post too. If she said "it's too late to be sorry" then I don't know what you can do. If she isn't willing...

[matt0680]

well it went like this

me: ive tried everything

her: i know its ok
but just be happy and talk to me
but i dont like obsessive people
srry

Just to note i only talked to her about this once, tonight. i tried to make a bit of small talk with her tonight, but getting any kind of conversation out of her is like getting water out of a rock, if that makes sence

She didnt say anything about reciving the letter yet, so im not sure. and no its really wasent a discussion

[LadyMarchHare]

Ok so ive got an update now, i talked to her about this behaviour and her response was 'sorry i cant be nice with everyone' & 'if i want to act like this then its ok', i dont know what to do now

It's understandable if she can't get along with everyone, but saying she can act like that is definitely NOT OK. A relationship is about compromise and if she can't learn to curb her lesser qualities in order to maintain a happy and healthy relationship she either needs help or needs to leave.

[matt0680]

ohh sorry i mistyped it what i ment was 'sorry i cant be nice all the time', she was very cold with me tonight.

[LadyMarchHare]

Well my main point still kinda stands even with that. You can't always be Miss Mary Sunshine but if this is happening frequently on a regular basis, then something is up either in her life or in her head. Plus in the end that would kinda make her bitter towards people after it gets pointed out several more times, it sounds like it's really noticeable.

[MTK]

Maybe she is holding you at a distance because of the things you have done and she is just trying to get to terms with it and that's why she's is cold towards you. That might be an option.