Depending on CD Transition to Determine Relationship's Success

[TriniCherryPrincess]

I have to be honest here because it's been bothering me a lot recently. I would prefer the opinions of those who are in LDRs, so here goes:
My SO and I have been through a lot of rocky times. Things have been better and smoother between us for the past few months. However, we both have concerns about our relationship making it. Last year sometime, we agreed that we would let living together determine whether or not our relationship would last. We argue sometimes when together IRL but besides that things seem to go very well. My concerns mostly have to do with speculations based on the snapshots I've had of his behavior/habits when I am around him. His concerns, I suppose, are similar, but there may be others- I can't speak on that for him.
Anyway, does this make sense, to leave the relationship up to that experience? All I have are predictions; I don't feel like I have enough evidence at this point to say that things will not work between us. I wish I could take a peek at the future and see how things would go so I could either say, "Okay, that looks alright," or "Nope, that ain't working for me!"

Thoughts?
Suggestions?

[lucybelle]

I'm all for living together, but you should do it because you both feel like it's the next appropriate step. Not because you want to see if your relationship will last or fail. That's not what living together is about. It's about taking a new step in your relationship.

[TriniCherryPrincess]

The thing is that taking the next step is my concern. We both want living together to happen. When I say that I'm unsure of our relationship making it I am talking about the future and issues surrounding living together. He believes that most of the problems we have had in the relationship is due to us being long distance.

[lademoiselle]

I think it depends on what the issue(s) is between you. Do you mean that some of the behaviours and habits which your SO has is making you wonder if you'll be able to live together in the long run? Because if so, I'd say that unless those traits are having a detrimental effect on you/your relationship (rather than being annoyances), a lot can be overcome with communication and compromise. I'm not sure if that helps answer your question at all, I may have interpreted it wrongly!

[TriniCherryPrincess]

Lademoiselle, that is what I'm talking about. I'm not sure how grand or minuscule the things are or will be for me. It's an understanding of (1) me seeing if I can handle the habits and (2) both of us seeing if the issues we'd been having were due to the distance or if it's because we're just incompatible.
I suppose I should give examples. I'll have to think of some and then come back.

[lademoiselle]

That might be helpful, yes Just to add to my first post - how long are your visits on average? While you're still LD for the most part, I think the most reliable indicator of how you'd manage living with each other is how you interact on an everyday basis over a certain length of time. Of course that isn't the be all and end all - I know there are a few couples here who spent minimal time together offline before closing the distance, and things have worked out for them as well as can be expected. But, for example, my SO and I have found there to be a world of difference between spending a weekend together (when we're both on our best behaviour in many ways!), and being in the same environment for weeks at a time. Like everyone, we have our quirks, and from time to time we drive each other up the wall to the extent that we wonder if we could ever survive living together in the long run You have to figure out what though, if anything, is a dealbreaker in your personal situation; one thing is coming to terms with the daily irritation of finding your partner's soggy underwear on the bathroom floor after a shower, and another is the potential incompatibility of being with someone who drinks heavily at home while you're a teetotaler.

[TriniCherryPrincess]

Depending on the time of year, a visit can be anywhere from 2-3 days to 2 weeks. There definitely is a difference between weekends and weekdays. I haven't been around him when I was in the midst of a school or work week though.

I've thought of 2 examples:
For one, I have insomnia while he can fall asleep without much difficulty. On top of that, his bedtime can be anywhere from 4am-7am while I usually try to stick with going to sleep between 11pm and 1am. It's always his place I see him; the wall to the bedroom is thin so when he's up watching or playing whatever, even with the volume low I still get woken up a million times a night- after I take an eternity to fall asleep. There are times when I've stayed up to match his cycle but that is unrealistic for me to do all the time.
Another thing is that I like to do things right away. I don't leave dishes for days or make a mess and not clean it up at least within a few hours. He says he wouldn't do that stuff if we were living together, but habits are not easily broken. I don't want to choose to live with someone and then have to be commanding that they clean after themselves or be the one doing everything because it won't be done fast enough.

[TriniCherryPrincess]

Also, I guess it's hard to say because neither of us are in a steady place in our lives. I live with my mother and brother right now while I'm in graduate school; he's living in his own apartment while finishing his bachelors. By the time I could opt to move in with him, we would have different schedules and obligations (or at least I will). So seriously, I can't even say what will things will be like then.

[loneliestgirl]

I guess the best thing to do at this point it think on whether those things you mentioned and the other concerns are deal-breakers for you. With any relationship, there will be a certain amount of compromise and letting certain things go on both ends.

Right now, he is in college and you are in graduate school. My life as a college undergraduate was very different than once school was over. There were different responsibilities and just a different style of living. Staying up late and having just weird hours compared to the rest of the adult world isn't unusual. I would say, right now, for you it would be an issue to live together because of your insomnia. And it would be an issue if your SO continued that lifestyle after college is over. But, that's something that can be predicted right now because mostly likely it will just naturally change.

Also, in terms of the walls and sound traveling, a potential solution down the road would be to find a different place to live together that has better sound insulation so when you are sleeping, you won't hear his activities once you have gone to bed.

As for the cleaning thing, that is only something you can really chose how rigid you want or need to be in that aspect. If he leaves a cup on the living room table one afternoon, will it be something you cannot overlook or let go unless it's washed and put away within a couple of hours? Would there be a compromise that you could be okay with? I guess the other issue is how untidy is he? Are dishes left for days? or laundry strewn all over the place for a week? He would have to meet you part way as well on his end.

Maybe not today, or even for this particular relationship, but one day you will need to figure out the deal-breakers for yourself in terms of certain parts of a person's lifestyle you know you will never be able to compromise and then present them to your SO to see if they can change to meet them or choose a partner that fits into those preferences naturally.

[phoenix-]

Suggestion: why don't you try moving closer to one another as opposed to moving in right away? Moving in together to "see if things will work out" is, quite honestly, not a good start. Breaking up while living in the same house is ten times more traumatic than having your own sanctuary to go home to.

His habits will not go away. Or, at least, you have to go into it thinking that they will not go away. You have to convince yourself of that and accept it. Otherwise, you'll start to become resentful/mad/naggy/etc. You'll start feeling like you're better than him and that will kill your intimacy. You have to accept that making yourself happy/content is YOUR responsibility even when you're living together, not his (eg. if you want clean dishes, then wash them yourself because he's surviving just fine without doing so). Can you accept that going into it right now? Because I feel like you already answered your question:

I don't want to choose to live with someone and then have to be commanding that they clean after themselves or be the one doing everything because it won't be done fast enough.

I am 100% sure that's exactly how it's going to turn out because, you're right, habits are habits. Oh there's a small chance he'll change eventually, but that's not happening right away and, even if it does, he WILL lapse once in a while. Accept it, accept him in all his messy glory, and move on with this happy event of being together! Btw, why do you love this man? In all your posts in this thread, you did not write down a single positive about him. That's a bad, bad sign from my POV because it tells me you're focused on all his bad qualities. I don't hear any appreciation, any admiration, etc. Do you still even want to be with him? Just to put some perspective into it, how would you feel if he wrote the same kind of post about you or if you saw this kind of post written by someone else in a relationship?

I.e, "I'm not sure about any of this because we have incompatible sleep and dish habits. Wish I could just look into the future and see if I still wanna be with her!"

What would you glean from that man's words?

Have you tried going at it from an academic's perspective and just coming up with a pros and cons list to see if the positives are more important than the negatives or vice versa?

[TriniCherryPrincess]

I guess the best thing to do at this point it think on whether those things you mentioned and the other concerns are deal-breakers for you. With any relationship, there will be a certain amount of compromise and letting certain things go on both ends.

Right now, he is in college and you are in graduate school. My life as a college undergraduate was very different than once school was over. There were different responsibilities and just a different style of living. Staying up late and having just weird hours compared to the rest of the adult world isn't unusual. I would say, right now, for you it would be an issue to live together because of your insomnia. And it would be an issue if your SO continued that lifestyle after college is over. But, that's something that can be predicted right now because mostly likely it will just naturally change.

Also, in terms of the walls and sound traveling, a potential solution down the road would be to find a different place to live together that has better sound insulation so when you are sleeping, you won't hear his activities once you have gone to bed.

As for the cleaning thing, that is only something you can really chose how rigid you want or need to be in that aspect. If he leaves a cup on the living room table one afternoon, will it be something you cannot overlook or let go unless it's washed and put away within a couple of hours? Would there be a compromise that you could be okay with? I guess the other issue is how untidy is he? Are dishes left for days? or laundry strewn all over the place for a week? He would have to meet you part way as well on his end.

Maybe not today, or even for this particular relationship, but one day you will need to figure out the deal-breakers for yourself in terms of certain parts of a person's lifestyle you know you will never be able to compromise and then present them to your SO to see if they can change to meet them or choose a partner that fits into those preferences naturally.

Yeah, that is true.

[TriniCherryPrincess]

Suggestion: why don't you try moving closer to one another as opposed to moving in right away? Moving in together to "see if things will work out" is, quite honestly, not a good start. Breaking up while living in the same house is ten times more traumatic than having your own sanctuary to go home to.

His habits will not go away. Or, at least, you have to go into it thinking that they will not go away. You have to convince yourself of that and accept it. Otherwise, you'll start to become resentful/mad/naggy/etc. You'll start feeling like you're better than him and that will kill your intimacy. You have to accept that making yourself happy/content is YOUR responsibility even when you're living together, not his (eg. if you want clean dishes, then wash them yourself because he's surviving just fine without doing so). Can you accept that going into it right now? Because I feel like you already answered your question:



I am 100% sure that's exactly how it's going to turn out because, you're right, habits are habits. Oh there's a small chance he'll change eventually, but that's not happening right away and, even if it does, he WILL lapse once in a while. Accept it, accept him in all his messy glory, and move on with this happy event of being together! Btw, why do you love this man? In all your posts in this thread, you did not write down a single positive about him. That's a bad, bad sign from my POV because it tells me you're focused on all his bad qualities. I don't hear any appreciation, any admiration, etc. Do you still even want to be with him? Just to put some perspective into it, how would you feel if he wrote the same kind of post about you or if you saw this kind of post written by someone else in a relationship?

I.e, "I'm not sure about any of this because we have incompatible sleep and dish habits. Wish I could just look into the future and see if I still wanna be with her!"

What would you glean from that man's words?

Have you tried going at it from an academic's perspective and just coming up with a pros and cons list to see if the positives are more important than the negatives or vice versa?

Yes, I have thought about moving closer to him instead of moving straight in with him. That is what I'm leaning more towards now.
I definitely agree with your philosophy of if I need the dishes clean then clean them myself- that is what I do where I live now concerning all matters of that nature.
About me not writing positives about him in here, I don't see how me listing all the reasons I love him and why I'm with him is relevant to my question. I'm just trying to gain other people's perspectives on an agreement we've already talked about and made. He knows my concerns and I know his concerns about me too.