Hi, I've been looking around the forums for stories and advice of similar experiences to some problems I'm facing in my LDR at the moment, and while I've found some, was just wondering if perhaps I could get fresh perspectives or just, to know more similar experiences. Wish I had a crystal ball or the ability to know what men think sigh. A bit apprehensive about this post, but it's eating at me and would really appreciate any advice.
I'm aware my post is super long, so tldr; the main question (s) :
I've been in a 6 month long distance relationship, but we've known each other longer than that, started off as friends. Is it normal for the casual comfortable stage to begin this early ? How do I get him to be even a quarter of how he's used to be during our 'courtship phase?
He's stopped sending random texts , stopped asking for pics, stopped discussing when our next 'date' would be and what to do then .. If I don't ask or don't set a date, then it doesn't happen. I'd mention it'd be nice to receive a text out of the blue during the day, or something that I can wake up to , or even a call during his break, and he'd say he'd try but that he's busy. But i'd find out he'd be apparently not busy enough to play games or watch tv shows during his breaks. He's really lovey and all when I call and responds too when I text, but if I don't , then nothing from him .
Second question , guys tend to be less open about their problems and always seem to just want to avoid talking about them, but its pretty obvious that that's bothering them and its like a gloom cloud that restrains all other casual or normal talk of other things . How do you girls get them to talk out their probs so that it's one less burden on them (and one less worry for you that things don't seem right!) , without seeming like you're encroaching on their private space or bugging them? Especially when you're not there physically, and sensitive questions about them could be misunderstood easily . Guys, would really help to know how you'd like us to deal with this too.
In this case it's regarding health. He fell really ill due to overwork and i feel its partly my fault, as he had lots of late nights too due to skyping with me. Long story short, it was a horrible worrying week in which I had little contact with him as he was knocked out most of the time , but I sent texts to just encourage him and let him know I'm around (though it was so hard not being able to be there with him physically!) . I also realised then he's a really really important person in my life, different from anyone else I've been with and I don't want to lose him.
After this horrible week, he became more distant . Didn't really share what the diagnosis was, just saying it was stress and fatigue but from his tone, I know there's more . He let slip a little about his condition , but when I ask further what's happening he clams up. He got a sounding from his family too , but he won't share what else they talked to him about though it is clearly bothering him. Might be something about me, as they know he's had late nights and that he overworked himself because he wanted to have a week free to come visit . Again , when I ask if there's any worries he'd like to talk about and have sorted out or at least just talk it out, he says he's okay , nothing wrong. Then clams up again or changes the subject . It's still hovering though and there's taboo words like health exercise parents I have to make sure I don't accidentally mention or he'd give me the silent treatment or just curt responses .
This is really stressful. I feel like he's taking me for granted a little since I'm always there 'there' keeping in contact . I'd send him funny stuff or just things to tell him how much he means to me and to raise his spirits as i know he faces lots of stupidity at work. I'm also duper worried about him, he seems to be falling sick more often now too after that hellish week.. Not asking for that sort of texts and all in return no, I just want him to be a bit more open with me as I thought we're close enough for that. There're so many things that seem to bother him if I talk about it (when i share whats going with my day or what funny encounters i had) that we're just pretty much talking about superficial things now to avoid the serious stuff. And of course, that doesn't add much variety to talk about anyway so nothing to much to share. How do I get us out of this rut?
I want to do what he's doing and just sit back and stop initiating, but I'm afraid of the consequences of the lack of communication. I'm busy with my promotion and additional responsibilities at work. i try to keep myself busy with other interests too but admittedly I can't keep this off my mind completely. I love him so much, but each time my mind turns to him, I feel really awful and it's hard to keep from crying then (no good when this happens like 5 mins before a meeting or class!)
(For those who want to know...Some Background info:
We used to exchange texts often throughout the day everyday from casual mundane stuff to exciting things we've been up to. He was the really enthusiastic one, and made all the first moves from transitioning us from friends to best friends more than best friends
we'd have lots of fun talking about our future plans and what to do when we get together and all these things ldr couples talk about and do. He'd also send random really sweet romantic texts too, which made me fall for him a lot more than I thought I should. I was more reserved, as I couldn't quite bring myself to trust another LDR and did make that clear to him , but his love and enthusiasm was really infectious. We went through a couple of arguments in which after we shared our concerns and made up, I fell for him even more.
But I told him I do still feel insecure as long as I haven't met him yet, and he made plans to come over for a week in march and bought a plane ticket too. He had a project to complete for work, and purposely arranged his schedule so he would be free to come then. Even with all that OT, he still made time to send and reply random texts, and Skype sleepovers when I was able to come home early from work (we have about 8 hr time zone difference)
I'm aware my post is super long, so tldr; the main question (s) :
I've been in a 6 month long distance relationship, but we've known each other longer than that, started off as friends. Is it normal for the casual comfortable stage to begin this early ? How do I get him to be even a quarter of how he's used to be during our 'courtship phase?
He's stopped sending random texts , stopped asking for pics, stopped discussing when our next 'date' would be and what to do then .. If I don't ask or don't set a date, then it doesn't happen. I'd mention it'd be nice to receive a text out of the blue during the day, or something that I can wake up to , or even a call during his break, and he'd say he'd try but that he's busy. But i'd find out he'd be apparently not busy enough to play games or watch tv shows during his breaks. He's really lovey and all when I call and responds too when I text, but if I don't , then nothing from him .
Second question , guys tend to be less open about their problems and always seem to just want to avoid talking about them, but its pretty obvious that that's bothering them and its like a gloom cloud that restrains all other casual or normal talk of other things . How do you girls get them to talk out their probs so that it's one less burden on them (and one less worry for you that things don't seem right!) , without seeming like you're encroaching on their private space or bugging them? Especially when you're not there physically, and sensitive questions about them could be misunderstood easily . Guys, would really help to know how you'd like us to deal with this too.
In this case it's regarding health. He fell really ill due to overwork and i feel its partly my fault, as he had lots of late nights too due to skyping with me. Long story short, it was a horrible worrying week in which I had little contact with him as he was knocked out most of the time , but I sent texts to just encourage him and let him know I'm around (though it was so hard not being able to be there with him physically!) . I also realised then he's a really really important person in my life, different from anyone else I've been with and I don't want to lose him.
After this horrible week, he became more distant . Didn't really share what the diagnosis was, just saying it was stress and fatigue but from his tone, I know there's more . He let slip a little about his condition , but when I ask further what's happening he clams up. He got a sounding from his family too , but he won't share what else they talked to him about though it is clearly bothering him. Might be something about me, as they know he's had late nights and that he overworked himself because he wanted to have a week free to come visit . Again , when I ask if there's any worries he'd like to talk about and have sorted out or at least just talk it out, he says he's okay , nothing wrong. Then clams up again or changes the subject . It's still hovering though and there's taboo words like health exercise parents I have to make sure I don't accidentally mention or he'd give me the silent treatment or just curt responses .
This is really stressful. I feel like he's taking me for granted a little since I'm always there 'there' keeping in contact . I'd send him funny stuff or just things to tell him how much he means to me and to raise his spirits as i know he faces lots of stupidity at work. I'm also duper worried about him, he seems to be falling sick more often now too after that hellish week.. Not asking for that sort of texts and all in return no, I just want him to be a bit more open with me as I thought we're close enough for that. There're so many things that seem to bother him if I talk about it (when i share whats going with my day or what funny encounters i had) that we're just pretty much talking about superficial things now to avoid the serious stuff. And of course, that doesn't add much variety to talk about anyway so nothing to much to share. How do I get us out of this rut?
I want to do what he's doing and just sit back and stop initiating, but I'm afraid of the consequences of the lack of communication. I'm busy with my promotion and additional responsibilities at work. i try to keep myself busy with other interests too but admittedly I can't keep this off my mind completely. I love him so much, but each time my mind turns to him, I feel really awful and it's hard to keep from crying then (no good when this happens like 5 mins before a meeting or class!)
(For those who want to know...Some Background info:
We used to exchange texts often throughout the day everyday from casual mundane stuff to exciting things we've been up to. He was the really enthusiastic one, and made all the first moves from transitioning us from friends to best friends more than best friends
we'd have lots of fun talking about our future plans and what to do when we get together and all these things ldr couples talk about and do. He'd also send random really sweet romantic texts too, which made me fall for him a lot more than I thought I should. I was more reserved, as I couldn't quite bring myself to trust another LDR and did make that clear to him , but his love and enthusiasm was really infectious. We went through a couple of arguments in which after we shared our concerns and made up, I fell for him even more. But I told him I do still feel insecure as long as I haven't met him yet, and he made plans to come over for a week in march and bought a plane ticket too. He had a project to complete for work, and purposely arranged his schedule so he would be free to come then. Even with all that OT, he still made time to send and reply random texts, and Skype sleepovers when I was able to come home early from work (we have about 8 hr time zone difference)