Uncertain about future after latest trip...

[jonzy85]

I recently returned from a week visit to my girlfriend's home and am worried now about our future. We've been together for over 6 months now. We met travelling about a year ago, then again a few months later when we travelled together for 2-3 months. She spent 2 weeks over Xmas and New Years with me. For the most part everything was amazing. Both of us felt like it was something that could never happen. So we started the LD since January and after 6 weeks I went over to her for a short weekend, met her family etc, again amazing. We met up a couple of weeks later in a city where she had a seminar on. It didn't go as amazing the whole time, but there were extenuating factors, I didn't think it was a big deal.

I had been looking forward to this trip to her place as it was the longest time together we would have, in months. But it just didn't go well. Firstly, we had vague plans of closing the distance, she wants to do a course, which I fully support. I am a little older and am done with college etc for the moment (even though I may go back). So we had talked about me going to one of the cities that she was thinking of and seeing if I could get some work. But now, she has decided she doesnt want to leave her hometown (village). I don't speak the language that well and there just wouldn't be the same possibilities for me to happy anywhere nearby as there would be in the some of the European cities she had mentioned. I'm not resentful of her decision at all by the way.

The problem was that after she had told me this, I felt she was being a bit cold to me. We talked about this and she said that the initial magic was over and we weren't the newly loved up couple anymore. This may be true, but I just didn't feel as close.

Even more worrying was that she did not want to have sex. For all of our relationship up to now, our sex life has been amazing, better than I could ever imagine and she has said the same. She would initiate things as much as I would and everything was so comfortable. Our last mini trip wasn't as amazing, but there were other factors (she was sick for one). But this time she said she felt under pressure to have sex and that made her lose interest. I asked what I had done to make her feel under pressure and she said I did nothing different. But she seemed angry that I wanted to have sex, even though I feel it is natural and an important part of the relationship. I told her that I won't initiate anything any more until she no longer feels this pressure. She thanked me for that and said it meant a lot. But, it is a horrible feeling when the person you love no longer wants to make love to you...I can only hope this is temporary.

Things came to a head and we had several talks and the last couple of days were much better. She told me how much she loved me and held me, kissed me like before. I did feel a lot better leaving, as I had felt horrible for most of the week. We have no trips booked yet, but she will be coming over to me in about 2 months, depending on her work situation.

I guess I am just looking to see if anyone has any similar experiences, advice etc. Is this normal stuff for LDRs? I've never been involved in one before. Or do people think we are doomed to failure?

[Moon]

Well, how often were you trying to initiate? Maybe you were a bit much for her, and she wanted some time to be together without feeling like she had to have sex? You should try asking her, in a calm, conversational manner, how often she thinks couples should ideally have it, and see if that fits in at all with what you think.

Also, you used the word "amazing" an awful lot. As relationships grow, and mature, there are plenty of unamazing moments. Once you start visiting often, they aren't always "amazing", real life sets in, and the usual course of a regular relationship happens, it's not going to be rainbows and unicorns every time There will be days where you feel closer than others, and there will be days where you're irritated with each other, or someone wakes up cranky, you just have to go with it and follow your gut. If most days are bad, then that's a big problem, but occasional grumpiness and irritation isn't.

LDR's aren't special, they have the same pitfalls and problems as any other relationship, there are just some different challenges, I've been in mine for four years, and good communication and trust are the key factors to ensure you aren't doomed to failure.
Talk about the sex thing and find out if you're actually compatible in that way, and if you aren't, decide if a compromise is possible. Good luck.

[oukeying]

I'm not good at giving advice, but I can relate. I am really worried about my future with my SO too. I'm currently studying abroad in Taiwan and, if I ever doubted it, I now know for sure that I want to live close to my hometown in the future (I just can't stand being so far away from my family). My SO's major is Japanese, so I knew that he was interested in working in Japan when we first started dating. But only last year, whenever we talked about the future, we talked about living & working in terms of more local places. But a few weeks ago he mentioned that he is worried about us because he wants to work in Japan (long term). Part of me knows I will have to let him go eventually, but part of me is hoping he will change his mind (and I feel like it's wrong of me to hope that). It really sucks.

[JoeyBug]

I just wanted to comment to say that, as Moon said, LDR's are like other relationships in that it won't always be amazing. Some days will suck, some will be hard. Some will be great and wonderful and you'll remember them for the rest of your life, but some won't. That applies to visits too. Once the initial honeymoon period wears off and real life sets in, it's an adjustment to get used to the fact that you're only going to see each other x amount of times a month/year/whatever. The first time my SO came over to the UK after we reconnected, I was so happy to see him and spend time with him. We had all these plans and he got sick and all he wanted to do was sleep. I didn't like it because he was sick, but also because we spent most of the time in the hotel room in London with me watching crap on TV and him sleeping. Sure, some days we managed to get half of what we had planned done and that was great and we both had a wonderful time, but I still felt like it should have gone better. It did the second time he visited, but even then we had a day where he was cranky and I annoyed him. It happens... just like it would if we were SD and in a conventional relationship, only it would happen more because we'd be spending more time together.

I think the key here is communication. You know what you want from the relationship, have you asked her? Do you both have the same goals? The same wants? You need to talk to her to be able to go any further.

I wish you the best of luck!

[jonzy85]

Moon:
I actually didn't really initiate that much, certainly not compared to other times. We were staying at her mother's house, which meant there were certain times it was off the agenda anyway! I agree with pretty much everything in your 2nd and 3rd paragraph. She has even said, it is just us moving to becoming a normal couple and it is natural for us to have bad times like this. I guess they just seem so much worse in LDRs because the time together is so precious, it is so frustrating when it doesn't work out perfect and then, all of a sudden you are apart again. We also think that we are putting too much pressure on ourselves to make our trips together perfect that it may be having an adverse effect.

Outkeying:
It's not a nice feeling when you let yourself think about it. We had some frank discussions and my SO admitted that she had doubts about whether we will be able to last this, but we both feel it is worth fighting for, even if the odds are against us. She hasn't said she wants to be near home forever, just for now. This is an about turn, from a few weeks ago as when she first went back home after over a year away, she said she felt like she didnt belong etc. But now after being back a while she appreciates being near her friends and family. I see this sudden change in her views of being home in 2 ways.
1. Maybe she is having a similar about turn in her thoughts about our relationship (she assures me this isn't the case).
2. Having changed her mind so quickly about wanting to be there, maybe she will change it again somewhere down the line, especially if we are still in love, strong and there is no option of me moving there and us being happy.

Thanks for the replies, it is really good to type these things out and here from people who have somewhat similar experiences.

[jonzy85]

Joey:
You are very right in all you say I think. One other thing about our latest visit was spending 24 hours a day in each other's company, without much to do. We are both quite self reliant people who are happy in each other's company. In a way, it is crazy to think that a week like that could work without there being some friction.
We've both agreed to think about things over the next few weeks, especially as she has yet to get confirmation about the course she wants to do. But, I guess the main point is that we are still both absolutely committed to each other, but both equally worried about future visits going wrong.

[Moon]

Moon:
I actually didn't really initiate that much, certainly not compared to other times. We were staying at her mother's house, which meant there were certain times it was off the agenda anyway! I agree with pretty much everything in your 2nd and 3rd paragraph. She has even said, it is just us moving to becoming a normal couple and it is natural for us to have bad times like this. I guess they just seem so much worse in LDRs because the time together is so precious, it is so frustrating when it doesn't work out perfect and then, all of a sudden you are apart again. We also think that we are putting too much pressure on ourselves to make our trips together perfect that it may be having an adverse effect.

Oh yeah, I can totally understand trying too hard to make trips perfect! I used to do that all the time And you're right, the time is limited, so it's precious. I only get to see my guy about three times a year, because of vacation time and distance, so I'd have all these expectations in my head, and when things went differently, I was really disappointed. What I learned from that was to not really put any expectations on the trip, and just enjoy them for what they are. Some of my trips have been amazing, and some have been pretty run-of-the-mill, but in either instance, I still got to lay around with the guy I love, eating ice cream, and watching South Park marathons through that, I learned to not only appreciate the daily routine with him, but to love it.

[phoenix-]

I think this might be more common around the six-month mark, because I swear I felt the very same way at this point. I was worried about everything and wanted my perfect summer back. It seemed each visit was less and less.. I don't know.. monumental. Sex became less and less of an event for us too, and I did and still do feel a bit of pressure to "do it" every visit, even though he really doesn't do anything to warrant such a reaction. It's all self-imposed. I guess at the six-month mark, real life sets in and we start to question the feasibility and possibility of a real future with our SOs.