What if you couldn't close the distance?

[Tooki]

Woops I left this out.

Given the distance between my GF and I, it would be very very difficult to maintain an LDR indefinitely. There are also time difference and financial issues as well. I also know that my GF would not be able to nor want to maintain a permanent LDR.

[Malaga]

We've recently started having specific talks about closing the distance and it's depressing the hell out of us. It's not a question of love and commitment, but as you said Kiyama, so many other complications stand in the way that it makes us just feel hopeless. However, closing the distance within the next 2 years is not even something that I can make up my mind about. I am convinced I'd get mentally ill if things stayed like this for much longer. I can put up with time and distance if there's a goal at the end of it. If there is no goal set and no progress... it would suck the life out of me.

[Karringtyn]

I couldn't.

[lademoiselle]

I think my SO and I could survive being LD for years yet if we had no other choice. I've been reflecting on this subject a lot in recent weeks, to be honest. I always swore that 5 years was my time limit for closing the distance, but the more time that passes, the slimmer our chance of that happening becomes. A few people who know about my SO and I have been kind of surprised that because we aren't too far apart geographically, we haven't got a solid plan for moving to each other yet. There are several reasons why it isn't as simple as that though, from the language barrier on my side to the fact that all my SO's qualifications are in heavily France-based subjects... so yeah, at the moment it's all still very much up in the air.

I'm hoping we won't go beyond 7 years at a distance. I do get the impression that we're going to spend most of our 20s LD though - especially my SO, being a couple of years older than me. We haven't had an open talk about it or anything, but I'm pretty certain both of us are on the same page about the whole thing. As long as we can see each other often enough, we'll muddle through somehow.

[redapple]

If I had to I could. However gosh itd be tough- Personally I think the only way I could handle LD indefinitely would be by being able to have other partners for pure physical gratification. I'm in my early twenties, sex twice a year for life? I'm not ready for that right now. But then if he wasn't happy with that then I wouldn't and I guess we'd see how it went.

I think the biggest thing thing in being able to hold an indefinite LDR is where you are in your life and how often you would be able to visit. I don't see why it can't be done though.

[JoeyBug]

I really have no idea. The thought of never closing the distance with him hurts but the thought of losing him altogether hurts even more. I'd like to believe that we'd fight for it as hard as we could and as long as we could.

I agree with this. I don't really know how I'd react to never being able to close the distance, or even having an undetermined amount of time before we could. I guess I've been in the last situation because it's only been in the last year that we have talked more about closing the distance on a permanent scale. Before then, it was just a see where this goes kind of thing. I do know that I would rather live apart and be together than lose him forever. That I couldn't deal with easily. And don't want to deal with at all.

[summerkid]

this is such a tough question... which I never thought I would have to consider .. aaanyyways.. I don't think I could really know what I would do unless I am faced with having to make a decision.

[Kiyama]

this is such a tough question... which I never thought I would have to consider .. aaanyyways.. I don't think I could really know what I would do unless I am faced with having to make a decision.

I never thought I'd be facing this honestly, I think everybody who has an international ldr is somehow naive as to it'll somehow work out. I don't know, maybe there are people who have everything planned out and it works out that way but often I've seen people here and now myself included who planned and planned and then had to realize it wouldn't work that way. It's just life happening and there is nothing you can do about it.

I guess as Moon said, it really depends on the stage in life you're at. I'm turning 29 in a few months and eventually I want to start thinking about having a family. If I was younger or older, maybe things would be different.

[summerkid]

I never thought I'd be facing this honestly, I think everybody who has an international ldr is somehow naive as to it'll somehow work out. I don't know, maybe there are people who have everything planned out and it works out that way but often I've seen people here and now myself included who planned and planned and then had to realize it wouldn't work that way. It's just life happening and there is nothing you can do about it.

I guess as Moon said, it really depends on the stage in life you're at. I'm turning 29 in a few months and eventually I want to start thinking about having a family. If I was younger or older, maybe things would be different.

no, I know. my comment was mostly referring to the fact that i never thoughht i would meet a person this way and be in an ldr. If anything, I completely agree you never know which is why I can't really say what I will do and that I think even if I said I wouldn't be able to do it, I might change my mind when faced with the possibility of losing him and somehow find the strength i never knew i had.
It's complicated to figure things out in your own country when you are by yourself. You take things international and multiply by 2.. it gets really complicated. And although I have a tendency to stress and worry about a lot, I am fully aware I haven't even begun contemplating the complexities of closing the distance. You don't get to choose your career or your SO's career to make it match the international LDR profile better, nor their financial or family situation. So you make the best out of what you've got.

I guess even if it looks like there is no way of closing the distance, i would like to give the relationship a fighting chance. But I am 25 and not planning to start a family any time soon, so I have a few years "to spare".

[Dziubka]

I've thought about that recently. We're close distance now, but my boyfriend's going to move to my country for uni in September and I've just gotten a really good job here. We're from neighbouring countries and it'd be "only" about eight hours by train. I really don't want to go back to being long distance. I love living with my boyfriend and sharing my everyday life with him is super important to me.
However having a job and a career is also important to me. If it was long distance but close enough to see each other every weekend or at the very least every other weekend, I would probably do it for a really (!) good job opportunity. I think that if you give up on chances like a career or good education for your relationship it's bound to produce resentment in the end. I'd rather be long distance and have a fulfilled life than life with my boyfriend and be unemployed or work a shitty job that's not adequate to my education. Maybe I'm just a bad person, but I can't guarantee I wouldn't hold it against my boyfriend if I gave up so much for him.

I don't think I could be long distance intercontinentally for a very long time. I'd either close the distance or give up on the relationship, but within a reasonable distance... it would hurt, but if the circumstances required it, I would be able to do it for long(er).

[Hololz]

Gah, my SO and I are facing something similar very soon. We're no longer in an international LDR but have gone back to being LD (4 hours apart) just before easter. Maybe wont get to see him until june due to all the final year deadlines and exams I have coming up D: However, my plan was always to move to be with him as he graduated first, ergo, I asumed he would get a job first. Neither of us have anything sorted yet, but potentially, if I get a job before him, somewhere that he isn't willing to move too... like the north of england, we would potentially be LD again for a while. I dont know if we'd be able to handle that 4 and half years into our relationship. I don't think it's what either of us would want simply becuase at this stage in the relationship I want to be living with him. We've had a brief discussion and left it at "we'll cross that bridge when it comes to it".

[Karoshi]

Me and my SO aren't together for very long, so we discused about closing the distance just very briefly. I was just accepted at college in my city, so I'll have to stay here for at least 3 years until I graduate. I looked it up and found out that distance education (I'm not sure about the right word in english, sorry) is not possible, so we won't be closing the distance in another 3 years. I told my SO that he could easily move to where I live, because he doesn't have any bonds to his place, like family (he's not seeing them very often and they don't have good relationships), job (he's an IT specialist and works from home) or so, but he doesn't want to. So I know how you feel... But I try not to worry too much about it, and you should too. Like Moon wrote, just enjoy you have him!

[charly]

I actually have been wondering about this question a lot lately. Many people ask us when we are closing the distance, and most of them tell me that they would 'never be able to go on without an end in sight'. And I don't really like that idea either, but I don't like the idea of giving up either. Like some have said: it's such an amazing feeling to have someone that cares about you so much, and just a phone call away..

So I try to take it one day at a time. I love spending time with him, and leaving is horrible, but other than that I am kinda used to the space and time I have for myself. Eventually it will probably all turn out right. (damn, I should read this back when I have a bad day ) As it seems now we will have somewhere between 3 to 6 years of LD left, but giving up is not an option

[jessandeddie21]

My SO and I had to deal with this issue not to long ago as we are both graduating and deciding on colleges. We thought before that he would be able to go to college in New Jersey with me since he's in Canada right now, but the difference in tuition between the US and Canada is crazy so it made more sense for him to go to college there. Yes, I wished he could've been with me sooner but I'd rather not make him deal with the big amount of college debt it would take to go there. I mean, we've been apart for this long and we've done fine so it'll be hard being apart another four years but I think we are strong enough to do it! I'd rather wait until it is reasonable for him or me to move than make unnecessary sacrifices.

[Sunbeam]

I'm the odd girl out here, but I actually broke up with the SO that brought me to LFAD because of the impossibility of closing the distance.
I don't regret it one bit, because without that break up, I never would have dated my sweet city-boy from Washington; but it's really a "to each their own" scenario. You have to decide what's worth staying together.