This is killing me!

[freya]

Hi all,

This is my first post, and I just discovered the forum and website today.

I'm 35, Aussie female. My SO is 31, US male.

We met online, in a forum, in February last year, and soon after we were pretty much 100% committed to each-other - we just clicked.

I'd been in a relationship and was living with the man, and I ended that relationship as soon as I realised I had serious feelings for my now-partner.

Our relationship developed and soon we were skypeing morning and night, all day on weekends and in-between.

We decided I would visit him first, and booked a flight for me to arrive in the USA on Valentines Day this year (I know...cheesy!).

When we met it was more wonderful than I could have imagined, and we just fell so much deeper in love over the 5 weeks I was with him.

I had to leave and arrived back here on March 20th. Now I am utterly lost!!!

Leaving was so traumatic for me. I just physically could not stop crying.

I know he loves me deeply, and we have made all our promises and the plan is that he will come down here to Australia.....but to do that he will need to leave his job and his apartment, as he does not have any leave......but we have decided that this will be a permanent arrangement anyway, and that between holiday visas and getting married at some point, we will make it work.

I'm just REALLY struggling being without him.

His work hours have changed and it means that he has to go to sleep as soon as I finish work, so we get only about 30 minutes a day on week days now to skype, texting in-between.

I'm an EXTREMELY affectionate person who is very, very open with my emotions and really like to express my feelings. He is not so used to this, although he loves my affections, and tells me he loves me many times a day, he isn't as enthusiatic about all the romance side of it as me. I guess this is normal for a guy.....well I know I am over-the-top....so when he isn't, I start to worry!

I've been feeling very depressed since coming home, and I am scared this is making a negative impact on our relationships.

Often a perfectly happy chat will end in me breaking down in tears and pretty much getting angry at him for not dropping everything and coming back with me when I left (completely illogical, but the type of over-the-top thing *I* would do!).

He is the most amazing, sweet, caring and understanding person, but I am worried that my separation anxiety is going to drive him away!!

I feel so very isolated, and I just feel like nobody understands how painful it is to be without the person you love.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here in the forum....probably just some people who know how it feels.

I just need to find some strength from somewhere to get positive and stop feeling so torn apart - just don't know how

Thank you for listening

[Irina_Linn]

hey,welcome to the community here everyone feel this way so
https://members.lovingfromadistance....nuts-sometimes read this thread,there are many useful tips how to struggle with the feeling
and you aint alone,dont worry.we all felt the same first time we had to leave our partners for some reasons,and its totally normal.its awfully hard at first but with the relationship developing,more confidence appears and it becomes easier.talk a lot to your partner (but dont overload him),find a new hobby and be happy you found a person whom you love hugs!

[JoeyBug]

Hi and welcome to the community.

You are not alone in feeling like this, like the above poster said. EVERYONE feels like that as some point, or all the time. Being LD (long distance) is hard, it's hard on your emotions, it's hard mentally and it's hard not being able to spend time with the person you love whenever you want to.

It sounds like you have a good set up with skype and texting and such, and I know how much time zone differences can stop chatting happening as frequently or at all. You will get through this, it will just take time. I find it harder, personally, when I don't know when the next visit will happen. Having that date to countdown to is enough to keep me semi grounded, so do you know when you'll next see him?

I know life gets in the way of things and I wish you the best of luck. This is a great place full of many many good people going through the same things you are.

keep going, and Good Luck!

[freya]

Thank you both for your replies. I really needed somebody just to understand it tonight. Feeling very down.

No we have no date set as yet, a few things to work out before we can decide the date. But it's going to be at least 3 months.

And today he spilled soda all over his laptop and it has died. Not the best for a long distance relationship!

[dragonlady]

that is a nightmare i hope never happens i have a normal computer and a very bad laptop but for a backup it is fine
but yeah i never gave much about the pc and now i can't live without lol!!

but the thing that helps me the most is scrapbooking with things he send me pictures, poems, cute pics and so on, but yeah it is hard
good luck! hope the laptop will work soon again!

[Mimmi]

The first time that we had to part ways was not so hard, but that was because he was so enthusiastic about our relationship that he just booked a flight to come over in 9 DAYS. After this visit came to an end, I had three months to kill. It was horrible! I know exactly how it feels, I was crying the first couple of weeks, constantly! I think you get a thicker skin through time, after a few visits I developed a technique to cherish the time we've spent together and value our precious relationship - think of how wonderful it is that you can even be together considering the distance! And how Skype is a wonderful invention. How the time of you being together will come, you just have to be strong now. And how these beautiful moments you shared while you were visiting him still exist, they're stored in your memory, in the photos you took. The distance is hard, but it also makes you value the time you spend together more.

And my SO's computer keeps crashing too, I'm really afraid of it finally giving up on life (he's had it for 6+ years)

Hold on and be strong!
I wish you all best!

[Irina_Linn]

about laptop crash-me n my SO try to find a mobile phone plan with free text messages or very low-cost.so if anything happens we can still keep in touch

[freya]

that is a nightmare i hope never happens i have a normal computer and a very bad laptop but for a backup it is fine
but yeah i never gave much about the pc and now i can't live without lol!!

but the thing that helps me the most is scrapbooking with things he send me pictures, poems, cute pics and so on, but yeah it is hard
good luck! hope the laptop will work soon again!

Thanks so much

I like the scrap-booking idea, and was thinking of doing it for all the things from my trip over there with him. I kept all our movie ticket stubs, receipts, all that sort of stuff. That's a good project to keep me occupied.

[freya]

The first time that we had to part ways was not so hard, but that was because he was so enthusiastic about our relationship that he just booked a flight to come over in 9 DAYS. After this visit came to an end, I had three months to kill. It was horrible! I know exactly how it feels, I was crying the first couple of weeks, constantly! I think you get a thicker skin through time, after a few visits I developed a technique to cherish the time we've spent together and value our precious relationship - think of how wonderful it is that you can even be together considering the distance! And how Skype is a wonderful invention. How the time of you being together will come, you just have to be strong now. And how these beautiful moments you shared while you were visiting him still exist, they're stored in your memory, in the photos you took. The distance is hard, but it also makes you value the time you spend together more.

And my SO's computer keeps crashing too, I'm really afraid of it finally giving up on life (he's had it for 6+ years)

Hold on and be strong!
I wish you all best!

Thank you Mimi, that was so lovely it got me crying again! Maybe I'm a bit hormonal today as well haha

about laptop crash-me n my SO try to find a mobile phone plan with free text messages or very low-cost.so if anything happens we can still keep in touch

Yes, we do both have smart phones so we have viber and skype app but its not the same.....Gosh, so spoiled, I should just appreciate what we DO have....

[Catface]

As long as you decide to be strong and stick it out, you'll be just fine.

My SO and I sometimes skype a few times a week but more often than not it will be once a week. Of course I love when we skype more, but I've also learned to just appreciate the time we do have instead of complaining about the time we don't. My SO and I have five hours difference between us, which can be really difficult when I work 11-7 and by the time I get home it's midnight for him.

You came to the right place to share your pain. Perhaps this will give you an avenue to let your feelings loose without having to go to your boyfriend every time. Being in an LDR can be very emotional, and it is hard, but for the right person it's worth it. At the risk of sounding harsh, I think you need to give yourself some time to grieve and then decide to continue on. He may be the most important part of your life, but if you dwell on the fact that he's not there instead of the positive, you'll drive yourself NUTS.

My bag of tips and tricks:
Keeping busy constantly. If being still makes you upset, be busy. Don't sit and wait for him because you'll go bananas doing so. Go out with friends, family, etc whenever possible.
Creating projects for yourself. Sometimes in order to feel closer to him and get my feelings out, I make things for him. Right now I'm creating 30 days of envelopes to count down the 30 days until we next see each other.
Work lots! If working fills time for you and keeps you distracted, go for it! You said it's confining you to having only 30 minutes of skype a night, so maybe see about coming in and leaving a half hour early each day?
Surrounding myself with things that remind me that in spirit my SO is here with me. This works great for me, HORRIBLE for some others. Depends on the person, but if it helps, do it!

Good luck sunshine, and make sure you stick around, there's always someone on here!

[freya]

Catface, thank you so much for your long and thoughtful reply

You made me realise something, and that is that it IS when I'm home (I live alone), that's when the sadness really starts. I think I just feel so lonely and he's the only one who can take it away.....but friends and family can take my mind off it. I do need to do more.

I really like the idea of making him things. I'm absolutely going to start doing this!

Thanks again for your support and ideas on how to cope!

[Black_Halloween]

Awww, everybody feels this way do not fret! I cried non-stop the first 5 days that he was gone so much so that I ended up making myself physically ill. The BEST thing to do is keep yourself busy when you're feeling down! Do things that'll pick your spirits back up!

I think the scrapbooking idea is a great one! I started right after our first visit and decided that it'll be a book of all of our visits! <3xxx

[Zephii]

I only clicked this thread because I'm currently obsessed with your screen name. And you're Aussie! There are starting to become a lot of us here. I'd say something about Australian men not being dateable, but Tooki might see this, so I better not

Anyway I found having a good imagination helped loads when we were LD. I didn't consider myself living alone, he was just working late tonight. When I got up from Skype, I'd offer to get him a drink too. It's hard to explain, but I just refused to acknowledge the distance. We were just like any other couple. We had dates, we slept together, we had sex, we hung out with friends together.

The mind is a powerful tool if you can learn to see things in a new light.

Welcome to the forums

[Catface]

I only clicked this thread because I'm currently obsessed with your screen name. And you're Aussie! There are starting to become a lot of us here. I'd say something about Australian men not being dateable, but Tooki might see this, so I better not

Anyway I found having a good imagination helped loads when we were LD. I didn't consider myself living alone, he was just working late tonight. When I got up from Skype, I'd offer to get him a drink too. It's hard to explain, but I just refused to acknowledge the distance. We were just like any other couple. We had dates, we slept together, we had sex, we hung out with friends together.

The mind is a powerful tool if you can learn to see things in a new light.

Welcome to the forums

This. Absolutely beautiful. <3

[Fltricia]

I know what you are going through. I haven't seen my baby since before New Years Eve. The first month was really brutal. I felt very beat up emotionally and I was mentally exhausted. Then I started to get more involved in church and working out and going out more often with good friends that are positive and compassionate. I work a lot too and I justify it by saying I need to make as much money as possible now so that when he's home I won't feel guilty taking a little time off. I'm not gonna lie the last week has been rough again. I am just ready for him to be home... He left a long time ago to the furthest place on earth he could go from me. It takes 30 hours of travel for me to see him so I ended up not going over there to see him and he is a basketball player so he doesn't have long enough time in between games to fly to the US. The goodside is that he is coming home in a few weeks so I'm trying to hang in there. Sometimes I feel like I need to see a counselor or something because I don't feel 100% normal without him but my friends all say that is just what it feels like to be away from the one you love. When he gets home I hope it's an easy transition.