i'll do anything for love- but i won't do that

[nomnom_elf]

hello all members, friends of posts and those that have listened and responded to my rants and questions

I openly admitted to the forum and to my boyfriend of 3 years that on friday night i kissed another man. I said i was sorry and was prepared to face the consequences come him wanting to skype tonight about it.

i mis-judged him. I learnt tonight i did not know this person whom i had called a loving boyfriend for 3 yrs.

he was angry. seething and pent up. that i could understand. I could not understand him wanting me to debase myself for his enjoyment and to restore the "balance of sexual power" (his words). he wanted to control me to through me going to a gal, seduce her and take pics for him. after that he'd draw the line.

I beat him down on it- i asked him was he punishing me for the kiss- or for all the past ex girlfriend's that had cheated on him, and the issue with his mum/ dad walking out. he said fair point. but he still seeks to control me through some means. I cannot but help think once i had that over to him in effort to restore our relationship, it won't be balanced like before. I've been controlled in the past- never again. it scares me to even think of it.

i can see he is hurt- he really never thought i could do that. but in return i never expected him to ask me of that. punishment for a kiss doesn't equal that. and deep down, i know now there is not enough love left remaining to reason such requests. I intend to split up with him come this weekend.

thank you everyone for your support, responses and encouraging stories.
in the end Meatloaf was right.

[redapple]

he was angry. seething and pent up. that i could understand. I could not understand him wanting me to debase myself for his enjoyment and to restore the "balance of sexual power" (his words). he wanted to control me to through me going to a gal, seduce her and take pics for him. after that he'd draw the line.

I think im naive but I dont see how this is balancing the 'sexual power'?

Anyway not really important in the larger scheme of things i guess. I'm sorry that its coming to an end, unfortunately i know i could never forgive my other half if he cheated and it seems the same for your SO if i've interpreted your post right. I hope that the future brings new love and happiness

[Black_Halloween]

That is not normal and you need to leave this guy before he tries to control you in EVERY possible way not just sexually.

[kattermole]

He wanted you to seduce another girl and take pictures of it for him?!

Obviously cheating on someone is never right and he's entitled to be upset and angry, but using it as some kind of power struggle and asking you to do sexual things you aren't comfortable with to make amends really isnt right.

It sounds like you've made the right decision and it's time to move on and find someone you are happy with

[kayla_622]

While I do think it is wrong of him to give you a punishment like that for doing this I sit here and think...why did you do that in the first place? Knowing that he had past girlfriends cheat on him and I'm guessing some serious issues with his parents (im only assuming one of them cheated on the other but, you didn't say so I'm not sure) and sort of unfaithfulness on your part is going to hit him hard. Did you not expect him to be angry and upset over this? While I do believe a kiss under most circumstances isn't really a big deal but, when you have a partner that has trust issues that stem from previous relationships you had to know this would hurt him.

Everyone reacts differently when finding out their partner was unfaithful. He wants to degrade you and humiliate you for doing this to him. I personally think you two should take some time to cool down and collect your thoughts and then talk things through like mature adults that have been in a relationship for 3 years.

[Zephii]

He wanted you to seduce another girl and take pictures of it for him?!

Obviously cheating on someone is never right and he's entitled to be upset and angry, but using it as some kind of power struggle and asking you to do sexual things you aren't comfortable with to make amends really isnt right.

It sounds like you've made the right decision and it's time to move on and find someone you are happy with

This.

It's just a kiss. And even if it had been more, you don't punish people in a relationship, he's not your dad. Unless you're D/s, then disregard this.
Looks like it's a good thing you've discovered this side of him.
I'm sorry for your pain

[nomnom_elf]

@kayla. yes i know its a form of cheating through and through- you are right, and me being drunk whilst this kiss occurred doesn't make it any less of that fact.

We've been a bit rocky these last months due to stress on the realtionship; my job is looking to become permanent, his to be promoted, and in all the 12 months we've done this LDR he hasn't made an effort to come see me in my new place. that plus the fact other longer term differences (aka read BABIES), this still doesn't dilute what i did as wrong. We started this LDR on the promise we'd outright say if anything was going amiss; including incidents like this. I did wrong, but i respected him but upholding that promise. though i expected many things, including becoming single..... i did not expect this.

@ redapple- he wants to level the power and kiss someone; but because i didn't want it to become a tit-for-tat game, i told him not to go out "hunting for a lass to kiss to even it out"... so he wants me to do it instead for him.

[phoenix-]

Umm, okay, I'm just going to put it out there: was he actually being serious or was it just something that came out while he was mad? Or was he joking?

[Kristin91]

I am so sorry this happened to you, but it's best for you if you get out now. Making you do something like that and controlling your behavior in any way is not a good sign. Good for you for recognizing it and getting out!

[Rugger]

While I do think it is wrong of him to give you a punishment like that for doing this I sit here and think...why did you do that in the first place? Knowing that he had past girlfriends cheat on him and I'm guessing some serious issues with his parents (im only assuming one of them cheated on the other but, you didn't say so I'm not sure) and sort of unfaithfulness on your part is going to hit him hard. Did you not expect him to be angry and upset over this? While I do believe a kiss under most circumstances isn't really a big deal but, when you have a partner that has trust issues that stem from previous relationships you had to know this would hurt him.

Everyone reacts differently when finding out their partner was unfaithful. He wants to degrade you and humiliate you for doing this to him. I personally think you two should take some time to cool down and collect your thoughts and then talk things through like mature adults that have been in a relationship for 3 years.

Mature adults don't react like her SO did. Mature adults get angry, they maybe shout and scream. They don't threaten to "balance of sexual power". It's kind of fucked up that he's seeking to control her like that even if she messed up. People aren't perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, but his reaction crosses the line.

OP, I think you need to leave. His reaction regardless of what he's been through in the past is not normal. Control issues are one of the telltale signs of an abusive relationship. As someone who has been there, get out now. You are obviously having doubts, you did kiss someone else. Maybe it's time you get out of the relationship.

[kayla_622]

Mature adults don't react like her SO did. Mature adults get angry, they maybe shout and scream. They don't threaten to "balance of sexual power". It's kind of fucked up that he's seeking to control her like that even if she messed up. People aren't perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, but his reaction crosses the line.

OP, I think you need to leave. His reaction regardless of what he's been through in the past is not normal. Control issues are one of the telltale signs of an abusive relationship. As someone who has been there, get out now. You are obviously having doubts, you did kiss someone else. Maybe it's time you get out of the relationship.

She made it seem like he said that out of anger. Everyone says things they don't mean when angry. She also made it seem that this is the first time he's ever acted in that way before. 3 years in a relationship and he acts like that once...I'm simply saying that he could have been so upset and angry over what happened that he said something he didn't mean and just said that in the heat of the moment. I just think that they should both take some time for themselves and think about everything and talk to each other when both of their emotions have settled down a bit.

[dem&ter]

So back on the day I was still in LDR and I just posted something on my Facebook that drove him mad and suspected me for cheating on him, which I didn't. He asked me to make a naked video and sent it to him to prove myself that I love him. I was like wtf and of course, I never do that. So, my relationship ended and it's good for me I have no regret because I never did what he asked. And it's obviously he's the one who cheated.

I'm sorry for your relationship. But seriously, you did the right thing!

[Black_Halloween]

She made it seem like he said that out of anger. Everyone says things they don't mean when angry. She also made it seem that this is the first time he's ever acted in that way before. 3 years in a relationship and he acts like that once...I'm simply saying that he could have been so upset and angry over what happened that he said something he didn't mean and just said that in the heat of the moment. I just think that they should both take some time for themselves and think about everything and talk to each other when both of their emotions have settled down a bit.

I'm going to jump in here and say that even though he's upset it should not go that far. That's not something you say in the heat of the moment. He has some serious control issues and she needs to get far away from this guy as she can.

[ThePiedPiper]

She made it seem like he said that out of anger. Everyone says things they don't mean when angry. She also made it seem that this is the first time he's ever acted in that way before. 3 years in a relationship and he acts like that once...I'm simply saying that he could have been so upset and angry over what happened that he said something he didn't mean and just said that in the heat of the moment. I just think that they should both take some time for themselves and think about everything and talk to each other when both of their emotions have settled down a bit.

I used to say the same thing when my ex would ignore me for hours or tell me he hated me or call me a name. "People say things when angry." "He's grieving." You name it, I probably said it and it's unfortunately probably here on LFAD. Thing is, as Rugger pointed out, getting angry is normal, but bossing someone around is not something most normal people do, just as mature adults do not call their girlfriend a bitch or tell them they hate her just because they "lost their cool" or just because they were actually angry at someone/something else. I will admit there were times when I said things I didn't mean, but they happened when I was 16, 17, 18, had little impulse control and was highly emotional with no appropriate way of handling/dealing with those emotions. I agree that it could be something that was said in the heat of the moment, but it's also something to consider that people eventually mature to a point of being able to have some amount of impulse control, and telling their girlfriend to make it up to them by going out, seducing a woman, and taking pictures of/filming it is not that impulse control... :/ I no longer say things I don't mean when angry. I say I need time to calm down and leave the situation until I can handle it level-headedly.

[sewbama]

While it is normal for people to say things they don't mean when they are angry, people don't change personalities when they are angry. Same as when you are drunk. It doesn't change who you are, it just lowers inhibitions. So you can't just hand him a pass because he was angry. My ex only ever hit me when he was angry. Do those not count?

When he was angry, he asked for something entirely inappropriate. Anyone who says it is important to "balance the sexual power" means they really want to HAVE the sexual power. And he proved it by going on to tell her to do something sexually that she isn't comfortable with. That is not ok, and is a sign of a sick guy. And as the OP said, she isn't willing to be in with a controlling partner. I feel for you, but this is a good thing. You found out who this guy is before he really hurt you. I'm so sorry that it took this, though.