Not missing him as much as I should

[vansaddict00]

I should be missing my bf more, but the LD has made me re-evaluate the relationship. He's in school and I am trying to stay busy with work, family, and friends. I thought that the distance would create a stronger bond between us. Its hard to talk to him since he is always studying and his main topic of discussion is sports and shows I don't watch. When he was still here, we connected with sports or other outdoor activities requiring physical interaction. At that time we still had separate interests and didn't have much to talk about. It is now very prevalent that our social interaction is lacking. It can be tough to find things to talk to him about outside of daily routines and work. My mind from time to time gets cluttered with how much I was in love with my previous boyfriend and how much we had to talk about, or guy friends that I wasn't interested in but was able to carry on an interesting and thoughtful conversation. I enjoyed the engaging, random conversations. Just thinking about our impairment is making me question this relationship. I'm not really excited to talk him. Its the same ol' stuff. I probably talk to him on skype once a month so its mainly text messages daily compressed into 4 sent and 4 received per day. He comes to visit for a week every 2-3 months, although for spring break he will be back for a couple months. My coworker was saying how much stronger her relationship became w/ her LD relationship, but I can't relate whatsoever. Do you think I may be overanalyzing things because he's gone, or that my intuition is correct that I'm losing interest, but shouldn't give up?

[Fltricia]

I know for me I have to feel really connected to my significant other. We are wonderful together in person. We have an insane connection and when we skype we can just smile at each other forever. That being said I'm the one that usually has to initiate topics for us to share. He is more reserved so I give him homework to do ; ) Basically just little quizes to do online or I ask him to pick a movie out for us to both watch and then talk about. We don't see each other nearly as often as you do in person but we text and whats ap through out the day. If you aren't ready to throw in the towell than I would try to reconnect with him, but if you feel like the ship has sailed and you would be better off with someone closer than you may want to try a trial break. Be prepared though that a trial break could end things for good. My ex asked for one and we never recovered.

[Kristin91]

I agree with everything that Fltricia said except taking a break. In my opinion, breaks never work towards making your relationship better because you're avoiding the issue. Either put the work into your relationship or break up, because I honestly don't see how anything else will work.

[Heavenly_Love12]

It sounds like you're having a rough time, I'm sorry! I agree that you're losing interest but I'd keep trying. The limited contact you have with your SO is not good at all! 8 texts total in a day and only skyping once a month?! Is that the only way you communicate? I know college is busy but I think he could find more time to communicate with you, especially via text. When he visits, are things like they were before you were LD?

I know that my SO and I have a stronger relationship being LD. It makes you appreciate the small things and put a lot of thought into how much communication and just random talking are so important. If you're not communicating, how are you continuing the relationship? I would be super frustrated as well and it sounds like you're getting into the mindset that you're in a relationship in name only.

I would suggest expressing how you feel to your SO and trying to communicate. He has to have some free time or he can make 30 minutes of free time a day to talk to you. Finding some common ground will give you more things to talk about than the normal day to day routine. I see that you've been together going on 4 years so I'm sure there's more than physical activities that have kept you together. You may have to get creative. Good luck to you!

[Kiyama]

I would say either you put some serious work in your relationship or you break up. There is no in between. Talking once a month, it's no surprise you've got nothing to say to each other. What about the little things you experience during the day and you want to share?
Furthermore, there is so much fun stuff you can do online (multiplayer games etc).

However, it could also be that the two of you aren't right for each other and that the distance has brought that out.
I have been through rough patches with my SO but the thought of us being awesome together has helped me get through it and we have a lot of things in common. And we show interest in the things the other likes even if it's not so much our cup of tea. So there is always stuff to talk about. Sometimes more, sometimes less. The thought of us breaking up (which is there because of outer circumstances) tears my heart apart. What about you if you think about it?

I'm sure you'll make the right decision at the end!

[Rugger]

I agree with everything that Fltricia said except taking a break. In my opinion, breaks never work towards making your relationship better because you're avoiding the issue. Either put the work into your relationship or break up, because I honestly don't see how anything else will work.

I agree with you that in most situations, breaks don't help. But sometimes they do. I'm talking from personal experience in my own relationship. My SO and I took a break of sorts where I moved out of our apartment and moved back in with my parents after we had a huge blow up. It helped both of us get our heads on straight and decide to go for counselling. We are currently back on track and I feel great about my relationship and the direction it's headed. Don't say never, every relationship is different and what doesn't work for you can work with someone else.

OP, I think you need to tal with him about how you are feeling. Like someone else mentioned, maybe make movie dates. Watch a movie "together" and then discuss it or read a book and do that same.

[JoeyBug]

I agree with everything that Fltricia said except taking a break. In my opinion, breaks never work towards making your relationship better because you're avoiding the issue. Either put the work into your relationship or break up, because I honestly don't see how anything else will work.

I agree with Kristin, I know that for me, I am usually the one that initiates conversation either through text or email, but he's usually the one to phone me and I still smile when I realise it's him and get butterflies in my stomach. I still feel connected to him even though we're a long way from each other.

Could it be that you're just feeling low due to the distance? Maybe try talking about different subjects, such as your thoughts on things that you know would appeal to him to spark up the conversation. Other than that I don 't really know what to suggest...but wanted to give you a

[corrda00]

I agree that taking a break is just avoiding the issue.

I would just let him know how you're feeling, maybe try to see if you guys can communicate more often. And I wouldn't except your relationship to be stronger just because its LD. LDRs can be very difficult and take a lot of effort. Im sure if you guys try to tackle the issues at hand things should work out.

[vansaddict00]

Thank you for your insight!

[vansaddict00]

[vansaddict00]

[vansaddict00]

I know for me I have to feel really connected to my significant other. We are wonderful together in person. We have an insane connection and when we skype we can just smile at each other forever. That being said I'm the one that usually has to initiate topics for us to share. He is more reserved so I give him homework to do ; ) Basically just little quizes to do online or I ask him to pick a movie out for us to both watch and then talk about. We don't see each other nearly as often as you do in person but we text and whats ap through out the day. If you aren't ready to throw in the towell than I would try to reconnect with him, but if you feel like the ship has sailed and you would be better off with someone closer than you may want to try a trial break. Be prepared though that a trial break could end things for good. My ex asked for one and we never recovered.

Thank you for your great insight! It makes me happy to hear that you both have a great connection, and continue to grow and learn with each other to improve the overall relationship. I am trying to do my best but he is really busy so I am trying to do my best to be more understanding. I have suggested watching certain shows together but he’s usually behind when I want to talk to him about it. Sometimes if there’s an interesting article online I send it to him to discuss. I guess you can say that it sparks a little conversation but a reoccuring dullness occurs after, and sometimes I have an awkward pause trying to recoup the conversation with something substantial. I remember being in school and not wanting to talk about it so I understand from his perspective that that’s the last thing he wants to talk about but that is really all he is occupying himself with besides playing basketball with his buddies. I end up talking about my encounters at work or just anything that happened to me. I’m in transition to another job, so I am currently looking for a stable commitment so I have more time to myself meaning more time to think about him and to overanalyze everything. Unfortunately I have thought of a trial break. I don’t go out as much, usually I go out for work or with friends but not too much by myself. If anything I take my dog out for a walk to the beach. Just by being away from him, I’ve grown closer to my family who I didn’t spend as much time with when he was here. Him being away has made me appreciate the little things in life. I’m trying to stay strong but I know that you can’t depend on one person to fulfill all your needs. I feel that going out with my friends fulfills the social aspect that I am in dire need of. I guess because I can’t really talk to him it quarrels me. And ironically my two bff’s are single so I can’t even talk to them about him, which almost makes it seem like he’s non-existent. They’re having a hard time with the break-ups so if I talk to them about my relationship, it seems to bring up jealousy. My bf’s sister has signed up for match dot com and my other friend has tried plenty of fish. It must be very intriguing and fun if your single.

[vansaddict00]

I agree with everything that Fltricia said except taking a break. In my opinion, breaks never work towards making your relationship better because you're avoiding the issue. Either put the work into your relationship or break up, because I honestly don't see how anything else will work.

I respect your opinion! I am trying to do my best to hold on. I think because I'm used to company and I'm home more, so the loneliness is more noticeable. I think that when I think about him too much I feel lonely so I try to think about other things I can focus on now. I'm trying to live more in the present moment, and keep busy though.

[vansaddict00]

It sounds like you're having a rough time, I'm sorry! I agree that you're losing interest but I'd keep trying. The limited contact you have with your SO is not good at all! 8 texts total in a day and only skyping once a month?! Is that the only way you communicate? I know college is busy but I think he could find more time to communicate with you, especially via text. When he visits, are things like they were before you were LD?

I know that my SO and I have a stronger relationship being LD. It makes you appreciate the small things and put a lot of thought into how much communication and just random talking are so important. If you're not communicating, how are you continuing the relationship? I would be super frustrated as well and it sounds like you're getting into the mindset that you're in a relationship in name only.

I would suggest expressing how you feel to your SO and trying to communicate. He has to have some free time or he can make 30 minutes of free time a day to talk to you. Finding some common ground will give you more things to talk about than the normal day to day routine. I see that you've been together going on 4 years so I'm sure there's more than physical activities that have kept you together. You may have to get creative. Good luck to you!

Thanks for your suggestion! Ironically the LD has made me rethink this relationship. I already feel like its going downhill but made things more clearer. When he visits, things are sort of like they were before. When he usually comes in a week/couple week increments so he has to allocate time for a bunch of people so we try to squeeze things in. I'm curious because he's coming to stay for 3 months, I'm trying to imagine how it'll be like for his long duration of stay. Yea pretty much that's the only way we've been communicating. If anything I will call him but he won't call me, but he'd rather skype. When I talk to him sometimes it doesn't feel as natural. Its kind of sad how our communication is lacking. I feel kind of pressured to talk about just anything just to keep the conversation thriving. In comparison to my other guy friends or last bf, things came naturally and it was fun to talk about anything and time passed by as if we just started talking. Its sad, I know, but there def is something lacking. Not to be stereotypical but I guess that's the lawyer side of him. I'm not saying he's shy but he doesn't have much to say in general so its hard to engage with him. I still try but it can be painful. I'm usually in social settings where I can easily talk to strangers but he definitely isn't and doesn't have too many friends to confide with. I'm not trying to point fingers at him for him being the sole reason of this complex situation, but I guess I realized how different we are as individuals. Its hard for me to answer, " if you're not communicating, how are you continuing the relationship." You are right though, I will try to make some more time to see if he can talk to me more often. Even when he was here we didn't talk too much. He's the kind of person where you wake up and the first thing he greets is his computer. I think that just everything is general has made me more concerned about just our needs and of my needs that need to be filled with a void. In general I have very low self-esteem and I play off of other people and interact in a optimistic way to fill the void of being accepted. I honestly don't mind going to work just to have interaction when I can't hang out with my friends. Its getting to the point where I feel lonely and I don't want to be dependent on just one person who is so far away. It definitely is a make it or break it duo!

[vansaddict00]

I would say either you put some serious work in your relationship or you break up. There is no in between. Talking once a month, it's no surprise you've got nothing to say to each other. What about the little things you experience during the day and you want to share?
Furthermore, there is so much fun stuff you can do online (multiplayer games etc).

However, it could also be that the two of you aren't right for each other and that the distance has brought that out.
I have been through rough patches with my SO but the thought of us being awesome together has helped me get through it and we have a lot of things in common. And we show interest in the things the other likes even if it's not so much our cup of tea. So there is always stuff to talk about. Sometimes more, sometimes less. The thought of us breaking up (which is there because of outer circumstances) tears my heart apart. What about you if you think about it?

I'm sure you'll make the right decision at the end!

That's a really great way to look at a relationship . Everyone is pretty right on about how things should be going and what needs to be done. I think that our conversations have been dull most of the time and I feel like I'm contributing more than him. At the moment, I enjoy talking to my friends more since they have more interesting things to say and the conversations flow naturally. He doesn't really have much to say in general. He's really into sports like baseball and basketball but he has a best friend to talk to about that kind of stuff, and he goes on forums. When I see him with his family he talks more to then since his family is more engaging with him. I try to be more engaging but I feel like its pointless if my efforts don't seem to work. I share a lot of things, I was a tax preparer so I had definitely interesting things to tell him but he just talks about how much school work he has and that he played basketball with his friends. Nothing more than that. So he usually only asks me how my day was but it gets a bit boring and redundant. I have thought about this statement. "it could be that the two of you aren't right for each other and that the distance has brought that out," and it does scare me to think this way. My feelings for him are kind of neutral at the moment. Since he's not here, I know I can live without him, but the idea of breaking up scares me. Heavenly_love12 was mentioning " I would be super frustrated as well and it sounds like you're getting into the mindset that you're in a relationship in name only." We've been together for four years now, and I've seen how my friends are frustrated with finding someone to sweep them off their feet, which I know isn't an ideal mindset. Their other half had broke up with them, but the damage isn't any less daunting.