I love him too much...to stay with him?

[Rosebud]

I love my boyfriend alot. Let me start off by saying that. We have been dating for almost a year now. Here's the thing, we have never met. I currently have the monetary means to go see him right now at any time and he does not. Even so, I still cannot make any concrete plans to go see him.

As this is a public forum I do not think it is my right to delve into such private information as to why, but let me just say the reason I cannot visit him is due to his family. He and I have had discussions on this. It is a very sensitive topic. No, I can't just show up and introduce myself. No, he can't just tell his parents about me and have everything be peachy. Yes we're both adults, but we're both adults that still live at home. I thought it was something that could be worked out, but after our dlatest discussion it honestly feels like he won't ever be able to make a visit to me. He promises he will someday. I don't know when someday is and neither does he.

I know I can wait in an ldr for as long as possible for someone I love as much as him if I know there's a chance we can someday physically be together. But what about if that chance seems so uncertain? I've told him all these things, he knows I can't not be with someone I love so much for forever. That's when he says that he promises he'll work it out.

Do I just not flat out believe him? I don't know what it is but at this point just 'getting over it and telling his family' is not an option. Period. Even after all his assurances of how much he loves me and that's the only thing holding him back, why do I still cry for an hour until I fall asleep after he logs off at night? If I keep bringing up this topic we're just going to keep running in the same sorry circles, feeling worse and worse. And if I don't bring it up I'll just sit here in all my doubt and worry, crying until I get to talk to him again. I don't know what to do. The thought of breaking up with him makes me want to curl up in my room and never leave it again. But the thought of never getting to be with him is just as bad. It's a no-win situation.

[LadyMarchHare]

If he's living at home I think the priority at the moment is getting him at least in an apartment with a roommate or two. Does he currently have a job? That might be something else.

I understand you want to see him but if he's in such a spot where not only revealing the relationship could become harmful to his daily life and living arrangements but visiting as well, then he needs to make the effort to remove himself from that situation and you could support him. Help him look at online job postings, help him look for apartments or even craigslist for ads about people needing roommates. If he wants to be with you that badly he'll take these steps just to be able to have the freedom to visit and not have his family threatening him. None of it would happen overnight but I think it's better than going around in circles feeling sorry for each other and feeling like you need to leave him because the circumstances now are not favorable for either of you.

[Caitlin2009]

Hmm, well you love him and things can change within a few years so why not stick it out a few more years. You've come this far it would be a shame to break up with him now, yeah alright maybe you both dont have the means to visit now but eventually you might! You said you've only been dating for a year, thats how long me and Denise have been dating and we werent even sure we were gonna see each other this year or not but now were gonna for the first time on Friday! Dont give up hope now if you have stuck it out this long you can do it even longer!

[paulawriteslove]

I think that you two might be able to work it out. Things can always change. Good luck!

[HMA]

I think LadyMarchHare's thoughts are good. You can at least start working towards him being more independent so that you can visit him. If he won't start taking those steps seriously (it will take a while, but he has to seriously look at getting a place or finding a job or searching out roommates...) then he's probably not ready for the relationship.

[Rosebud]

Thank you guys for all your words. Since he moved back home about 3 weeks ago he had been filling out applications and such for work but no place had called back. So no work, no moving out. And I couldn't exactly get frustrated with him since it's not his fault if no place calls back after he's put out the application and such (I'm sure we've all been on the job hunt and know how frustrating it can be, it took be 2-3 months just to find the part-time place I'm at now).

Ironically, JUST this morning as we're talking he tells me he got a call back from one of the places he applied to! Like...very ironically. He doesn't start his training till the end of the month, but as you guys say, baby steps, and this is a VERY good step. He's starting school again too next month so I don't know if moving out is possible. To be honest, that's why it never crossed my mind to even ask about him finding an apartment as I've always been in the mindset that if you live close enough to your school to stay at home, then do it as it'll save quite a bit of money. But now since you guys bring it up maybe it'll be something I should mention as well. If not perhaps his having a job will earn him that smidgen more of freedom that we both need. I don't know yet, but right now I'm just really satisfied that he actally got a call back like we've been waiting for for weeks.

[Caitlin2009]

Thank you guys for all your words. Since he moved back home about 3 weeks ago he had been filling out applications and such for work but no place had called back. So no work, no moving out. And I couldn't exactly get frustrated with him since it's not his fault if no place calls back after he's put out the application and such (I'm sure we've all been on the job hunt and know how frustrating it can be, it took be 2-3 months just to find the part-time place I'm at now).

Ironically, JUST this morning as we're talking he tells me he got a call back from one of the places he applied to! Like...very ironically. He doesn't start his training till the end of the month, but as you guys say, baby steps, and this is a VERY good step. He's starting school again too next month so I don't know if moving out is possible. To be honest, that's why it never crossed my mind to even ask about him finding an apartment as I've always been in the mindset that if you live close enough to your school to stay at home, then do it as it'll save quite a bit of money. But now since you guys bring it up maybe it'll be something I should mention as well. If not perhaps his having a job will earn him that smidgen more of freedom that we both need. I don't know yet, but right now I'm just really satisfied that he actally got a call back like we've been waiting for for weeks.

take those signs as to not give up on your relationship just yet, cause you guys will get there it just will take some time, congrats to him and the call back for some job training

[LadyMarchHare]

Thank you guys for all your words. Since he moved back home about 3 weeks ago he had been filling out applications and such for work but no place had called back. So no work, no moving out. And I couldn't exactly get frustrated with him since it's not his fault if no place calls back after he's put out the application and such (I'm sure we've all been on the job hunt and know how frustrating it can be, it took be 2-3 months just to find the part-time place I'm at now).

Ironically, JUST this morning as we're talking he tells me he got a call back from one of the places he applied to! Like...very ironically. He doesn't start his training till the end of the month, but as you guys say, baby steps, and this is a VERY good step. He's starting school again too next month so I don't know if moving out is possible. To be honest, that's why it never crossed my mind to even ask about him finding an apartment as I've always been in the mindset that if you live close enough to your school to stay at home, then do it as it'll save quite a bit of money. But now since you guys bring it up maybe it'll be something I should mention as well. If not perhaps his having a job will earn him that smidgen more of freedom that we both need. I don't know yet, but right now I'm just really satisfied that he actally got a call back like we've been waiting for for weeks.

The job market's pretty bad most places these days. It took my mom nearly a year to find one job she was fired from 6 months later, but that was because she's older and they didn't want 'old people' there. It's good that he got a call back, that's definitely a step in the right direction. If he can start saving up money he can try finding a place in the area of the school that does student housing. If not I'd still try to find a place with roommates so the cost for rent and utilities isn't that much and he can live in relative comfort.

In most cases one wouldn't need to move out if the school's close enough, but you mentioned that his family would pretty much ruin the relationship if you were brought up or one of you visited the other and that is important because this shouldn't shatter for mere convenience. His education is very important but so are you and him earning enough to leave would not hinder his education so long as he doesn't take the breathing room and run rampant with it as a lot of people tend to do.

[Rhiavaan]

Sweetie, small steps can lead to giant leaps. Getting a call back within 3 weeks is awesome. I was out of work for months. The field I am in is one of the major hiring fields too so smile at the small step. Now have him work on saving up for a place with room mates. Slow and easy wins the race.

[Tanja]

I agree with what others said, don't give up yet. Now he's got a job he could save up for a visit instead of finding an apartment maybe? He's going to have breaks from school so technically he could visit you then? I don't know how far apart you guys are but even if you're in different countries you could make it happen if he's willing to do that.

If he's not ready to tell about you to his family I wouldn't consider that as a huge problem, you said you're both adults so he could just say he's going to make a trip when he's off school... IMO if there's a will, there's a way, even when things seem impossible. It's just up to you guys whether you can stick the hard times out or not. Best of luck with everything!

[LadyMarchHare]

I agree with what others said, don't give up yet. Now he's got a job he could save up for a visit instead of finding an apartment maybe? He's going to have breaks from school so technically he could visit you then? I don't know how far apart you guys are but even if you're in different countries you could make it happen if he's willing to do that.

If he's not ready to tell about you to his family I wouldn't consider that as a huge problem, you said you're both adults so he could just say he's going to make a trip when he's off school... IMO if there's a will, there's a way, even when things seem impossible. It's just up to you guys whether you can stick the hard times out or not. Best of luck with everything!

I think it may be better for him to gain independency first. If he can't even tell his family about her, how do you think they'd react if he went and visited her while still living at home? Sure he could lie about why he's going but the truth would come out eventually and really lying now would make it worse later when he does tell them. We don't know why he can't tell them but I assume it's something that might have him out on the street or the locks being changed on him, it's not uncommon.

[Rosebud]

As mentioned that I don't want to delve too much into his personal information, I'll just say that yes, LadyMarchHare, you're on the right wavelength which is why I can't press the issue too much for him to tell them. As he literally just heard news about his recieving the job he still has to stay at home, but I'm thinking once he's been working for a couple months and has had time to save up, an apartment with roommates may be the answer as I know I'm not the only one of us two who isn't happy when he's home.

I really appreciate all your guys' help though. It's not a situation that makes either of us happy as he doesn't have the freedom to even call me his girlfriend in public much less visit me, and I'm stuck feeling incredibly hidden away and lonely. I'm unsure why but the past couple of days it's been much harder for me to cope with the distance than it usually is and so I'm stuck on the idea of me flying out to visit him instead (which would be somewhat easier yet my presence to his family would still remain unknown). It's not like I want to give up on this relationship because I'm no longer in love with him. Far from it. I'm just finding it more and more difficult to be away from someone I care about so deeply.

[LadyMarchHare]

It's understandable to keep finer details to yourself. It's usually in that area of reactions that has people biting their tongues about their relationships anyway.

Every day is different with new things to feel, new thoughts to have, and so on. Some days are worse than others and I can understand this. I wasn't allowed to tell my family about my guy for months and my mom even lied to someone and said we broke up. I don't particularly care if he's told anyone as I'm not gonna sit here and say I'm someone who deserves the flaunting but it can be difficult whether you're the one hiding or trying to hide your SO. When you love someone you want to buy billboard space to say it, but these things are still controversial and so we always can't get that chance and it feels like a rather bad Shakespeare tragedy.

But yeah, if you guys think it'd be alright for you to visit then I say go for it. If not then just support him with the new job and eventual moving out and take things from there. If he's unhappy at home I think the move would do everybody some good.