He's keeping me a secret...

[michalgabrielle]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over five months yet he refuses to tell anyone in his life about me.
It hurts me so much and makes me feel like he's embarrassed or ashamed of me.
He claims he isn't and that he loves me but I'm still a secret.
I've told him how much it hurts but he always gives the same excuse that he has been in an LDR before and it didn't work out so keeping me a secret is better.
Any ideas on what I should do?

[ThePiedPiper]

How does being kept a secret effect you, other than emotionally? Sometimes you have to wait it out until they're ready to be open about you. Have you met yet? That could be another reason behind why he's nervous about telling others he's in yet another LDR. Sometimes people face stigma and that's a hard thing for them to do. It doesn't mean they're embarassed or ashamed of you, but rather that they need time to figure out how to sort it out. I would talk to him about it and ask him for his projected timeline. Ask him when he is planning on being more open about your relationship with his friends and family, and ask him how it will effect future visits.

[kiara_silver]

I went through this but in the beginning we both kept us a secret between just us. It wasn't until 6 months of dating before I told my family about him. It's a huge thing when its someone you met online, and it can be scary so its understandable wanting to take things slow. He didn't tell his family until much later, and my family kept harping on me, why isn't he telling anyone about me, your his dirty secret, ect ect, but I understood his side. Can I ask how old you guys are? That was one fear since we were under 18 and living under our parents roods there was the fear they would cut our contact. Plus I think it's hard telling family that your in love with someone you havent met, there's judgement. I would just voice your feelings, ask him when he plans on telling, maybe ask if you could speak to some of his friends or family. Or maybe focus on a visit first?

[squeeker]

I think as the others say, it is a difficult thing to tell family and friends you met someone online so give it time, but don't be afraid to ask him why he is. Try and not push him to be open too fast or he might be scared off by it. My SO and I were sort of the opposite to you, he told his dad and closest friend about me pretty soon after we met online but it took me a bit longer to share the news, I also shared it in bits and by the time we decided we were for sure in a relationship, I had told my immediate family and close friends too. I think you have to realize he'll tell them in his own time. Maybe he wants to wait until you can meet first. If there are other red flags, be more worried, but if the only worry is he hasn't told his family and you've only been together a bit over 5 months... I woudn't worry much. I don't know how long you knew each other before you started your relationship or if you've met in person. But I wish you luck.

[JoeyBug]

As other posters have said, it's not that he's ashamed of you necessarily, but that sometimes it's hard to tell people that you're in an LDR. How did you two meet? If it was online, that adds to the difficulty. I know that even though my SO and I met in person, and my mum has met him and seen how serious we are, she still doubts and is cynical because of a failed LDR I had. It makes sharing news with her hard work so I don't always phone her until I'm ready to deal with it and it could be that your SO is having a similar difficulty.

Some times when you have one failed LDR is your past (or none, it applies to both) people see that as a reason to try and "protect you" from the LDR you are in in case it also fails. They don't seem to understand that you're an adult and can make those kind of choices yourself. How old are you both? If you're under 18, that could also explain his reasoning for not telling his parents, or anyone. He could be scared about losing the ability to contact you or his parents intervening or something.

Either way, if he says he loves you, trust him. There could be a very valid reason for him not sharing that you're dating with people. Good Luck!

[Moon]

Have you asked him how long he plans to keep this a secret? He might be a little wary still, which could be OK, but I'd want some idea of how long he thinks it'll take. I've noticed many younger couples are more reluctant to bring their LDR's out in the open, I guess because they're worried about the reaction of family and friends. I think it's alright if he's not quite comfortable yet, but find out how long he thinks it'll be until it's safe. Good luck.

[michalgabrielle]

He is 21 and I'll be 20 soon so age really isn't an issue.
Yes, we did meet online though.
I don't think it would bother me as much but he was so persistent I tell my family and/or friends.
Which I did as he asked but he still refuses.
If we were just beginning out relationship, I could see the point of "hiding" me.
We've all done that, but it's getting close to the half year mark that we've known each other.
Perhaps I'm overreacting.
I simply hurt by the fact and I question if he actually loves me.
I read and completely understand everything that all of you said.
It did help, thank you!

[libelle]

I don't want to be pedsimistic here, I agree with all the above posted. But I will have to say that you must look at the other side of things. If you have said it hurts your feelings multiple times and he still doesn't get the hint, I don't know... Doesn't sound that an innocent excuse like his should weigh more in his head than how it makes you feel. Also, are you sure that what he has told you about himself is true? That he has shown himself with another identity/ story in front of you and that's why he refuses to introduce you? It is not necessary that he is a bad person if he lied and that his intentions were bad, but I am just saying that it might be the case since that stuff Does happen, and just to have it in mind. That doesn't mean things can't work out in the end So you can speak about it to him, ask if he has anythig to say and reassure him you won't be angry etc etc. If he doesn't hide something then it is the above described situations Good luck <3

[Jazi]

While I do agree with all the other posters about giving him space and that it is very daunting to tell family members/friends about LDRs that started online.. and it's hard when you feel like you'll have a lot of judgement.

I also think that there is a time limit of how long you can keep things a secret before you start to lose credibility as a partner.. there comes a point where if your partner isn't treating it like a real relationship (out in the open) that you can just lose faith in them - Only you can decide when that point would be for you.

I was in a previous relationship where there was quite an age gap and he was embarrassed to tell his family because he felt like he would be judged; my breaking point for him not telling them was after 1 year of going out. When the issue was bothering me a lot (probably the stage you're at now) I decided that I would give him until a certain date to tell his family (approx a month I believe.. it was a while ago, can't quite remember) but the biggest thing in that 'time limit' is that I DIDN'T tell him. It was a mental decision/cut off for me, he needed to make the move on his own without me giving him an ultimatum, the issue would still have been there if I threatened to break up if he didn't tell them. I needed him to stand up for our relationship and tell the world that I was his girl.. and he didn't. The time limit I had mentally set came and went.. shortly after I ended things with him.

The ironic thing is that he told them about me once we had broken up, apparently he was devastated and told them - and then decided to tell me that he had told them, by then it was too late, it needed to happen on his own without me forcing his hand. We also had other issues but I won't go into them....

I suggest to you that you take on the same principle; set yourself a mental time limit where YOU know you can handle him not telling them.. and beyond that point it would be a major issue in the relationship. You can't force him to tell them, but you want to be in a relationship with someone who WANTS to tell people about you.. if he can't be that person then you need to find out sooner than later.

[Black_Halloween]

I kept my SO a secret from my family for two years because 1) I was scared of how they'd react and 2) I wanted to make sure that this relationship would last. In the big scheme of things 6 months is not a long time. Has he given you reasons why he's not ready to tell his family?

[ChibiFelicia]

My man and I didn't talk about each other to other people until just before we met IRL. It only took us under 3 months to meet but i think even if it took longer we'd still have waited.

[digitalfever]

I kept my SO a secret from my family for two years because 1) I was scared of how they'd react and 2) I wanted to make sure that this relationship would last. In the big scheme of things 6 months is not a long time. Has he given you reasons why he's not ready to tell his family?

This.

I haven't told anyone about my SO. No one. They kind of have an idea that there is someone but they don't know the logistics.

I'd say that if it bothers you, he's not willin to do it and it leads you to question how he feels about you then move on. 6 months is not that long in the grand scheme of things and if he isn't willing to budge and it continues to upset you then it's better to let go.

[Kanga]

This.

I haven't told anyone about my SO. No one. They kind of have an idea that there is someone but they don't know the logistics.

I'd say that if it bothers you, he's not willin to do it and it leads you to question how he feels about you then move on. 6 months is not that long in the grand scheme of things and if he isn't willing to budge and it continues to upset you then it's better to let go.

I'm the same as this. I haven't told a single person except my two friends. My mom forget it. I'll tell her when its a good time. Even though, him and me have been together for two years.

[Chris516]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over five months yet he refuses to tell anyone in his life about me.
It hurts me so much and makes me feel like he's embarrassed or ashamed of me.
He claims he isn't and that he loves me but I'm still a secret.
I've told him how much it hurts but he always gives the same excuse that he has been in an LDR before and it didn't work out so keeping me a secret is better.
Any ideas on what I should do?

At first, that is understandable. Because you don't want to be a 'secret'.

Keep in mind, he is an LDR 'veteran'.

At the same time, I 'shouted from the rooftops', in an mental health support group for people romantically involved with people that have Bi-Polar Disorder. I was constantly singing her praises. While all the other members of the group, were going through hard times with their SO(Significant Other)'s behavior. All the other members were terribly jealous of me. So I was asked to stop singing her praises in the group, to the extent that I was.(Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter would have been easier) I had creatively thought of ways, to cope with my (ex)fiance's Bi-Polar behavior. While the other members of the group, were dealing with the daily grind of being in a relationship with someone that has Bi-Polar Disorder. The Bi-Polar spouse, of one of the group members, took off while he was in a manic state. This ultimately resulted in a warrant being issued for the Bi-Polar spouse's arrest.

I am not saying that your feelings are unwarranted.

Only my immediate family knows' about my being in an LDR. Besides, Why does anyone other than them, need to know.

You can't make him shout to the world about you. At the same time, don't equate the extent of his feelings for you, with 'keeping you a secret'.

An analogy would be, just because someone has an account on Facebook, doesn't mean that it is mandatory, that the account holder 'friend' 500 people, upon creation of the account.

[chizatlauren]

If you think about it at first, you will really be pitying yourself for being hidden by your SO. I understand you because that's what I felt too when my SO and I are still in the first few months of our relationship.

I think, if you've asked your SO to tell some people about you, and he still didn't do it, may he's not that into you. I don't know. I might be wrong. Because my SO wanted to keep me a secret for a long time to his family, but then I told him that if he didn't conquer his fear of being judged on being in an LDR, then I'm going to think that he doesn't really love me and that this is all play for him. So he introduced me to him mom and dad on Skype and everything became better after that.

I don't know what is running on your SO's mind though. Maybe he has been hurt in his past LDR before, so try to understand where he's coming from too. Maybe he wants to be sure first of what he really feels for you, or maybe he just tells about a girl to his family when he's already sure that she's "The One". My brother is like that.