Would you stay?

[digitalfever]

Let me set up the scenario:

You and your S/O have been in a tragic car accident. You were together at the time of the accident and it’s neither one of your fault. You’re not engaged, you haven’t started to build a life together but you're committed to the relationship and you love them. However, Your SO is seriously injured and you are now their soul caregiver for the foreseeable future (with a high chance of this being forever.) They are unable to function without someone being there 24/7 to help them and doctors have told you that the likelihood of this changing is slim. For names sake, let's say they are paralysed and could have serious brain damage.

Would this change the way you view your relationship? Would you leave? Which factors would influence your decision?

[TwoThree]

I think I can honestly say that I would stay. It is a very depressing thing that you describe, and I can't say I'll be thrilled to sacrifice my happiness for the man I love, but I would do it.

However, if his injury prevent us from having a minimal sex life, I'm not sure I wouldn't ask him for an "arrangement."

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Weirdly, this reminds me of my Grandad. His second wife developed dementia, and my Grandad took care of her for a long long time, but eventually she had to go into professional care. Partly because of his age, and partly because he just didn't have the facilities at home to take care of her in the way she needed. He's a priest, and so he takes "In sickness in health...til death does us part" seriously.

But he got lonely. And sad. She wasn't the same person, and he it started making him ill, physically and mentally. She's still alive, but in care, and he's got a girlfriend. Before he started moving on, he took religious consultation on whether or not he SHOULD move on, and he was told that it was ok.

I'm not particularly religious myself, but having seen my Grandad be so lonely and depressed trying to take care of her, and not have any life outside of taking care of her, I think realistically, I would behave similarly. Obviously, it depends on how badly the crash affected your SO, how old you are, and how capable you are of providing the care they need. But I also think my SO wouldn't want me to give up my entire life to care for him. And I wouldn't want him to live to care for me either. If I wasn't the same person he fell in love with, I don't think it's fair. If he was still the same person, I think I could, for as long as I possibly could, but I really think it depends on how the crash would affect his personality.

[kteire]

With my SO, 100% yes. I think if that were the case though, I would need to move back to Canada and not be here, to have more familial and friend support. It would also mean a huge lifestyle change, because my SO will probably always be the breadwinner, barring something like this happening.

I think there are incredible resources in place in Ontario for this exact situation, which is why I would have to move home. I worked for a branch of the Ministry of Health in Ontario that arranged medical and personal support services (which were amazing, and completely free for patients), and I often dealt with couples in this exact position. I know it would be taxing emotionally and mentally and physically... but there are also good support services for caregivers!

[digitalfever]

With my SO, 100% yes. I think if that were the case though, I would need to move back to Canada and not be here, to have more familial and friend support. It would also mean a huge lifestyle change, because my SO will probably always be the breadwinner, barring something like this happening.

I think there are incredible resources in place in Ontario for this exact situation, which is why I would have to move home. I worked for a branch of the Ministry of Health in Ontario that arranged medical and personal support services (which were amazing, and completely free for patients), and I often dealt with couples in this exact position. I know it would be taxing emotionally and mentally and physically... but there are also good support services for caregivers!

I think that's one of the benefits of living in a country that offers socialised healthcare. However, I would be a bit weary if I were in a different financial outlook and had no health coverage.

[kteire]

I think that's one of the benefits of living in a country that offers socialised healthcare. However, I would be a bit weary if I were in a different financial outlook and had no health coverage.

Yep, that's definitely a huge consideration! If I were not able to financially support myself and my SO, and/or didn't have free personal support/respite care available, I honestly don't know what I would do. I think another thing I'd need to consider is what would happen with any children in the picture, or if I were a student at the time...

And there's also a part of me that would feel guilty about leaving, as much as I know that can't be a complete determining factor. What always broke my heart were the patients I'd have who were physically disabled and completely mentally aware and capable, and so incredibly lonely. I would never want to do that to my SO.

[JoeyBug]

I would want to stay, if he were in the UK with me, then I would try my best to keep him here. I am already disabled myself and require a lot of care, but live with my best friend who does the care for me. I couldn't ask her to care for him too as she also has an 8 year old. However, depending on the severity I could hopefully manage some of his care or at least bring someone in and stay with him and do what I can.

If I wasn't disabled (like it was a different situation for me) then I would, I would want him to be in the UK, because in the US we wouldn't be able to support ourselves, but in the UK we could manage as I would assume I would have a job to support us and would be able to have family and such help while I was at work, or would be able to hire someone to cover that.

[dragonlady]

i would stay to! as long as he can atleast talk or something we will manage
but i do understand that you would need a "holiday" once in a while, but even if that wasn't possible i would stay

[lucybelle]

For me it would depend on cognitive ability. Would the person be a vegetable? Or just a paraplegic that could still think and have conversations?

If they were a true vegetable, I wouldn't stay. They won't know the difference. I wouldn't want my SO to stay with me if I became a vegetable. I would want him to live his life. Find someone new, have fun, see the world.

[Kristin91]

Of course I would stay! If this is the person that I truly love, why would I abandon them when they need me the most?

[Tooki]

If my GF is only paraplegic? I will stay for sure. It's quite manageable.

If my GF is paraplegic with severe mental damage? It would depend on the extent of the damage. If she was a vegetable, I would leave her. If she is somewhere in between, it would depend on the circumstances.

I would expect no less than the same in reciprocity.

[Moon]

This is difficult for me to answer, because I've been in something similar. 3 months after getting married, my ex-husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor, a very complex one, near his pituitary gland. 3 extremely intense surgeries and a round of radiation within 18 months changed his core personality. He was never Mr. Wonderful, but afterwards he became Mr. Asshole, and I struggled through 8 years of it, because we were married. I disliked him intensely, I was miserable, I hated life. Everything was my fault, everything I did was wrong, I was criticized on a daily basis. I was afraid of him. Finally, FINALLY, he found some skank at work to screw and told me he was leaving, on Thanksgiving At least I had something to be thankful for that year! Anyway, thinking about it now, and what I went through, I'm not sure I could be a caregiver again, I'm not good at it. Also, I couldn't just pack up my life and move to Finland to do it, either.

I love him like no other, and I'd try to work it out as best I could, with the resources available to me, and I'd try to stay, but I would not be a 24/7 caregiver again, either. And, if there was serious brain injury involved that changed his fundamental personality, I'd leave. My experience with it before has scarred me for life, I couldn't do it again. If that makes me uncaring and selfish, I'm OK with that.

[TwoThree]

For me it would depend on cognitive ability. Would the person be a vegetable? Or just a paraplegic that could still think and have conversations?

If they were a true vegetable, I wouldn't stay. They won't know the difference. I wouldn't want my SO to stay with me if I became a vegetable. I would want him to live his life. Find someone new, have fun, see the world.

I have to agree with you, in case he becomes a "vegetable." It's just his body then, he's no longer the man I love. I would want him to go on with his life too.

[ThePiedPiper]

I agree with LB and with Biddlybiddlybombop. ETA: And I agree with Moon, reading her story!

Currently, my mother is friends with someone whose wife was in a severe car accident with him. He walked away unscathed. She walked away with brain damage that, while not leaving her physically incapacitated, changed who she was as a person and individual. She can function, sure, but she's at a minimally functional level and though they're going through a divorce now, they are trying to figure out whether or not she will need a caretaker when she's out. But the woman he married - a humorous, funny, beautiful heart surgeon - is no longer who she is. She's a different person entirely, and while I know some people, including himself, have judged him for getting a divorce, I personally applaud him for making it through almost 12 years. I can't imagine being with someone, getting into an accident I could not control, and having them wake up to be someone I didn't recognize, and not in a "romantic" way, like The Vow. Because there's a point where Hollywood is Hollywood and you can't re-learn how to love someone you lost because they're not the same person.

I also knew someone who stayed with their husband, and provided his care solo, when he developed Alzheimer's. She was a teacher of mine and often went out with me for company, either for a walk on the beach or even stayed after-school and she and I would talk to one another. It was an inappropriate relationship, certainly, but she was such a fun-loving, spirited, beautiful woman, with her son in Cirq du Soleil and she with a similar taste for adventure. To see all that inhibited by what happened to her husband, to see how lonely she became over the years, and how sad... I dunno. It's a tough situation no matter how you paint it. On the one hand, I would want to stay for my SO, but at the same time, why would I want to stay? Hope, sure, but what happens if they no longer recognize you? And you have to remind them every morning? Or what happens when their personality is entirely different from the one you married? I want to believe life is like The Vow or The Notebook, but it's not. I want to believe society knows what it's talking about when the romantic ideal is staying married to one person through thick and thin and that's what we all aim to do, but it doesn't. And so on the other hand, I would struggle with wanting to take care of me, because you can't take care of an incapacitated partner and also take care of yourself.

So in answer to this question, because I have experienced it from others I would probably do what everyone else is saying they would do, I'd stay, but only until I'd hit my breaking point. I would never want my partner to sacrifice who they are, what they loved, give up their zest for life and become depressed simply because I got into accident and was not the same person and required much more care than they signed up for when getting married to me. I would hope that my partner would want the same for me. Maybe it makes me selfish, but I have seen so many people lose themselves because of having to care for an incapacitated partner that I'm going to guess that that's more commonplace than a fluke, and I just don't think I'd ever be willing to do the same. :/

[Kiyama]

For me it would depend on cognitive ability. Would the person be a vegetable? Or just a paraplegic that could still think and have conversations?

If they were a true vegetable, I wouldn't stay. They won't know the difference. I wouldn't want my SO to stay with me if I became a vegetable. I would want him to live his life. Find someone new, have fun, see the world.

I agree with that. I wouldn't forget about them, still visit and be there but not as a 24/7 caregiver.