Fight Advice

[HisRaven]

So all of us have our fights right? I'm gonna be really mean 'cause I'm really really mad at him. The thing I need advice for is... how do I keep myself away from him? D:

Like he's the lone wolf type, and I'm super insecure, dependent type and in all our fights I always end up coming back to him, forgiving him and whatnot because it's impossible for me to be without him.

And it's not that I don't have a life. I have a university and everything and other stuff too but dammit! His absence makes me crazy and it's so depressing seeing myself unable like that.

He, on the other hand, can stay away from me for a week. He won't talk if he gets mad or if I don't apologize for my wrongs. Me, I just end up forgiving him over a night. The most I can stay away is 24 hours. Max!

:'( this is so sad. And like I know things like, busy myself with stuff. Or read a book, do your job, study for exams (things I ought to be doing). But I need something more, something inspirational. Like the thoughts that fuel my drive on not contacting him until he realizes his mistakes and stops taking me for granted.

So tell me your stories guys? Mean ones? Where you just found the courage of staying away from them? D: or any ideas to teach my meany a lesson.

[Black_Halloween]

Have you tried talking to him calmly and explaining that you'd like more communication from him?

[kteire]

The two of you need to learn how to fight constructively, or how to deal with your disagreements without fighting. Honestly, it sounds incredibly childish that you have a big fight and then try to ignore each other until one of you comes crawling back. If one of you says something to upset the other, take a little while to calm down and then discuss it with a level head if you're just going to rile each other up more. I would not take my SO ignoring me for a week and expecting me to come crawling back, the thought of it makes me furious.

[Jazi]

I agree with BH and Kteire.

You guys sound like you need to have a serious conversation about HOW you argue/fight. and especially what happens AFTER the fight.. People sort things out differently, but what you guys are doing at the moment doesn't sound very constructive. You guys should discuss how you deal with arguments as individuals and come to a compromise as a couple as to how you will sort those fights out.

[SeeRat]

You dont have to be mean like him. His being away for a week after a fight is so irrational. You should talk to him about this seriously instead of trying to be like him. Couples do have fights but the thing is how they sort out their problems/fights. Being vanished from each other for few days is not a healthy idea. Good luck

[HisRaven]

This is an answer for everyone who replied.

Guys, you have no idea how many things I've tried. I've tried making our disagreements as constructive as possible on this planet. There isn't a single trick on this Earth that I haven't tried for us. And this happens every single time. Something goes wrong, and I come up with a solution. This thing that I am doing this time is what he always does.

Wanna know what out fight is about? I'm tried of doing stuff. I'm actually really very annoyed at how he just keeps taking from me. But when the time comes to return, he gets mad. He gets mad at me for getting mad. And this has been going on for some time.

At first I got over it that he's having issues with his life of all kinds. I should be understanding and I should compromise and I shouldn't get mad, and there isn't anything I am not doing to calm his nerves. But if stresses of my life strike. He just can't take at how I demand from him? He said all I think about is myself, after I've served him continuously for so many months. And it pissed me off so very bad seeing him react to me like that.

I hate this thing he does, ignoring each other. And every time we fight I approach him with a new trick in the book of how to settle our differences. And he acts on it for a while and just as the time comes that I need someone to vent out. He gets mad that I'm demanding from him not realizing what he's going through >_> Seriously, I have issues of my own but I always put him first. This highly stupid approach that I've taken this time is his approach. Just to show him he CAN lose me if he doesn't get his head straight. That I too can be without him and he needs to stop taking me for granted.

Kterie, yeah I deal with that on a regular basis. And I'm furious too as to how he just doesn't want to do things.

He said to me, Alina I can't do anything about your expectations of me neither can I stop you if you one day decide to get up and leave me.

And there's so much drama that I go through my life. And he has the nerves to say that. To him, there are no struggles in my life. I'm in a good university, I have money for things, I get food to eat. So there are absolutely no struggles in my life. I'm living like a princess to him -_- and I know can never match up to the things he goes through but that does not mean that I don't need assurances that the guy I'm with would make me stay. And I'm freakin' pissed right now.

I just don't wanna talk to him anymore. This sucks, everything about this. And I know I'm using his mean sentences here and not all the other things he does for me and all the ways he loves me like nobody else in this world. But damn, I'm pissed.

So I just wanna show him the taste of his own medicine.

[Black_Halloween]

I'm thrilled to hear that you've been making an effort to solve your issues. It sounds like he's not willing to change at all for the sake of your relationship but getting revenge on him isn't going to help anything its only going to make it worse; quite frankly you'd be stooping down to his level. Its make it or break it time IMO, is this something you're willing to put up with to be with him or not.

[HisRaven]

And we're not some immature childish couple. But if I was in all your places I would have said the same things but believe me guys, I'm just pissed. I have talked to him and these days he's just so stressed that he says he doesn't have any faith in himself of making it. And he's going through that time where everything is wrong for him and I have tried everything I can to cheer him up, to bring his mood back up, his faith in himself and everything that needs fixing, his hope and everything and I'm just dying here to receive something... if anything in return just to know he appreciates me and wants me in his life, And everyone says loving things in a lovey dovey mood. And tell each other that we are their world but is my best all he can take, not my worst?

Anytime I get mad his approach is to leave. Actually I got mad at him and told him to get the fuck away but still!! And I've asked him a gazillion times not to do that, not to leave me even when I ask. But he keeps coming to it after listening for a while. He'd rather stay away then get hurt from me. And I want that when I'm mad he'd grab me and tell me he still loves me the same he did when I was all happy and trying to cheer him up. But no! When I'm mad, I'm selfish and insincere and don't care about him and want to hurt him so he gets up leaves and doesn't come back until I don't go to him. So... yeah....

[HisRaven]

I'm thrilled to hear that you've been making an effort to solve your issues. It sounds like he's not willing to change at all for the sake of your relationship but getting revenge on him isn't going to help anything its only going to make it worse; quite frankly you'd be stooping down to his level. Its make it or break it time IMO, is this something you're willing to put up with to be with him or not.

-sighs- every time is make it or break it for us. He does change it's not that. I don't know what else to do. I'm too mad at him to be the first again to contact him. He needs to do it too. And he needs to do it like I do, in a day, not when it's easy for him. And it's hurting me, and he knows it is, to be away from him, to be in this place.

[Serin-]

......

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I think you're in a really frustrating situation, but I think he's nailed it on the head with "I can't do anything about your expectations of me..."

If he's not willing to budge or work on your relationship and how you fight, you have two options. Put up with it, or leave. I don't know whether he's really selfish, or you're too demanding with him, or whether it's a bit of both, but you and he are equally entitled to the relationships you want. If the relationship YOU want doesn't involve arguments where you get ignored for a week, don't choose to have that relationship. He doesn't sound like he's going to budge, and it sounds like your fights over it are just making you two more stubborn in your own points.

I think something you need to think about is that he's happier fighting with you in a non-constructive way, which he's aware is upsetting you, rather than working on this issue. Unfortunately, he's entitled to do that if that's how he wants to behave. It's up to you whether or not you put up with it. And I think when he says "neither can I stop you if you one day decide to get up and leave me" suggests that trying to put an ultimatum on him isn't going to work. To me, that sentence suggests he values how he deals with things more highly than your relationship, and you deserve to be with someone who's willing to work things out with you because your relationship is more valuable than their pride.

[SeeRat]

Seems like one of you two have to compromise over this and his saying "i cant do anything about your expectations" shows he is not willing to compromise or change his behaviour. So it depends on you, whether you want to compromise or leave.

[SeeRat]

And he needs to do it like I do, in a day, not when it's easy for him. And it's hurting me, and he knows it is, to be away from him, to be in this place.

Just a thought Maybe he is type of person who needs more time to calm down his anger. Not everyone behaves similarly in anger. He might need more time than you.

[rawrimolivia]

Just a thought Maybe he is type of person who needs more time to calm down his anger. Not everyone behaves similarly in anger. He might need more time than you.

Exactly. Both my SO and my 2 brothers are BOTH this way. Anytime my SO and I get in a fight, I always want to push and push and push for him to solve it right away so we wont be fighting anymore, and I never let him just cool off which is when he kind of explodes on me. I had the same issue that if I wasn't saying sorry, he wasn't going to come talk to me until I finally gave him space to think. My brothers are the same way, any time I argue with them, they NEVER say sorry and they always walk away. I've learned over time to either learn how to talk about my problems constructively with them or I just let it go. There are times when you have to be the bigger person and there are times when you just have to learn to let go or leave. If you're not happy and he's taking weeks to ever talk to you, you have to ask yourself if it's worth it to you.

[LadyDaemon]

Ok,so for starters you both deserve to have the other one there when you need someone. Relationships go two ways,I understand he may be having a lot of personal problems but at the same time you have problems too. You need him to be there as much as he needs you and for him to ignore that and try to make you feel bad or tell you you're being selfish for needing him is ridiculous. Everyone has problems and things they deal with but when you love someone you put what you're going through aside temporarily and be there for the other person and vise versa.

"I can't do anything about your expectations of me...",this statement speaks volumes in of itself. Like others have said,it shows he's unwilling to change and if he's unwilling to change for the betterment of your relationship then quite frankly it's not worth it. Relationships are give and take,if you nor him are willing to give,then you won't take anything from it,at least nothing good.

Also,you can't force someone to just get over a fight or argument whenever YOU deem fit. He's not you and everyone handles their anger differently. Where you may get over it in a day it may take him a few days,being impatient with him like that will only make the situation worse. But,with that being said there's also a limit and like others have said if he's being so childish that he's staying away for a week or more at a time when he gets mad instead of trying to work it out then I'd be asking myself once again like others have said,if it's worth it. I hope none of this came across too harshly and I hope things get better for you.