His mother wants to arrange a marriage for him...

[Verojoon]

Since I haven't been around for a while (I was without Internet for months), I'll give a little background info:

I'm 32, single mother to two kids. My background is French Canadian.
He's 29, never been married. His background is Iranian, he moved to the US 3 years ago.

We've known each other for nearly 3 years, Been together for nearly 2 (minus a summer we spent broken up). I have visited him 4 times. We have faced one problem after another with trying to get him to visit me. (Our current issue is with waiting with the Iranian government to renew his Iranian passport). I have never met his mother because she is not interested in meeting me.

When we broke up last year, there were many reasons, but one large contributing factor which I had forgotten about until it started happening again was his mother. I cause no end of tension in our relationship... when she saw how much of a mess he was when we broke up, she changed her stance for a little while and even tolerated (barely) us getting back together... but she still had no intention to meet me. I'm seen as the reason everything in his life isn't what she thinks it should be... sometimes I think she is right... it's hard to build a life when you have plans to leave that life and relocate to a different country...

Lately she's been doing little things. At their New Year celebration, the egg I painted for him went missing from the display... I have been with Internet again for a week, and we skyped twice since and both times it had to be cut short because she started yelling at him... Last night he told me how the previous day while he was driving her to an appointment, She asked him if he remembered he planned to marry this family friend back in Iran. He laughed at her and said this is something that the girl used to say when she was 11 years old, they never actually planned to get married. But his mother said it was serious and she will start pursuing it... They got in a huge fight but I think she still plans to try to make it happen... I know he will never listen to his mother and marry her, though if she ends up getting the girl to travel here from Iran, it will put him in a very awkward situation as he has nothing against the girl, he's just not in love with her. He's in love with me.

And it hurts me so much that to be with me, he has to sacrifice his place in this big Persian family. When he goes to all the family gatherings. When he talks about his aunts' cooking. When his cousins' have his back no matter what... I see how much he belongs and I just don't want to take that away from him. His mother sacrificed so much of her life to raise him as a single mother... How can I take him away?

And the more I think of it, the more I wish he would be able to have the life he should have. The one where he marries a girl his family loves and who gets accepted into the family and is one of them. A girl who can chat with his mother, and be able to stand up for herself... A girl who could maybe even smooth out the relationship between him and his mother... I can't give him that.

When I told him that he says often he wishes for that life too, but he can't give up on me. He's never given up on me. Even when I left him last summer and dated other people, he never gave up... But what will happen in the future if he is with me and he sees all his cousins having that normal close family relationships? Will he become bitter? Will he be depressed or sad? Can my love really make up for losing a while family?

My head hurts...

[libelle]

So sorry to hear for the situation you are in Is it his whole family that is against you or just his mother? In my opinion she has stopped taking his age in consideration some 10 years ago, he is 29 not 17??? He should stand his ground and let her know that even though she is his mother, this is his life and not hers and that it is final. It looks like she is doing all this because of love and concern, but to me it sounds like plain egoism and desire to control... In any case, it doesn't excuse her about interfering with her son's life in such a way. There is one wise quote saying, don't wish your kid to be like you, or to be what you want it to be, just help it and it will find its own path ...

If I were you, I wouldn't give up on him. After all, this is the life you want to build with the person you love. Yes his mom won't be happy, maybe his entire family will be against it, but think, is your life happiness really worth being sacrificed for a bunch of people's sick ambitions? Ask yourself, do you see yourself without him in 10 years? Would you be able to forget that, to be happy without him? Everyone is in charge of their own life, they shouldn't have power over yours ... I am sure if they love your SO, they will eventually get used to the thought of you being together, and accept you in the family. I also think it is a good idea that you meet his family, this way they will have a chance of forming their conclusions about you through personal experience and not through prejudice. Maybe when they see you two happy together, they will change their mind just the way she almost changes hers when she saw him sad without you.

Good luck, don't give up your dreams!

[JoeyBug]

I wanted to say something because I really feel for you and didn't want to leave the thread without offering something in the way of advice. I know, at the age of 31, that I struggle with not having my mum's full support. I don't need it to continue with my life with Scott, but I would love to have her approval. If he is happy to be with you and accepts that his mom may need time to come round - if she ever does - then he needs to tell her that. As Libelle said, you also need to try and meet his family. Allow them to come to their own conclusions about you. If they like you and see how happy you make him, they may come over to your side and help to persuade his mom.

At the end of the day, you need to decide if this is where you see yourself in a few years, if you see yourself with him, and he wants the same, then go for it and acknowledge that not everyone will be cheering you on. It happens in a lot of relationships where someone isn't totally happy with their friends/relatives choice in partner and as long as the two of you are happy, then it really does have nothing to do with anyone else.

Talk to him and see how he feels about things...Good Luck and remember we are here if you need support!

[TwoThree]

Oh honey, I'm so sorry you're trapped in this classic situation. I say classic because I see it everywhere around me, even though I'm not Iranian. I'm not quite sure why, but men who come from a similar culture are never seen as adults in the eyes of their mother. And it's not as easy as standing up to her and saying "look, I'm a man and I will make all the decisions in my life from now on!" It's kind of an ingrained mentality for some men not to cross their mothers. A cousin of mine gave up on a woman he loved because his mother didn't like the area of the city in which she was raised (true story) and eventually married a girl of her own choosing and now I'm not sure he's very happy with her (she's very beautiful, but also very... well, stupid, it's the truth)

On the other hand, my own father stood up to my grandmother when she didn't want him to marry my mother (because she's not from their hometown) and wanted him to marry this other girl (from their hometown. Almost sounds incestuous, doesn't it?) My grandma never really accepted her and there was a lot of tension between them throughout all of her life. But at least he married a woman of his own choosing.

It will all depend on what kind of a man he is. My father is so stubborn that even when they brought that girl from whatever village she lives in and asked him to take her out, he told them (his family) to fuck off. But then he was never very close to anyone of them, especially not his mother. So it's going to be hard on your SO to make his mother accept you, but it's not mission impossible. Just be patient with him.

If you're worried about the rest of his family and "taking him away from where he belongs," that won't happen. Extended families tend to be very accepting of these kind of situations, or at least very hypocritical about them.

Je te souhaite bien du courage

[Jazi]

It's a tough position to be in. I really think you need to take his lead on this matter, it is HIS family after all.. I don't think you should let them stop you from being with him, but I think it's ultimately up to him to decide how he wants his life with his family/relationship/you to be like.. It may be a dealbreaker for his relationship with you to cause a rift with them, or it might not and it will just reinforce to him WHY his family aren't the people he wants to spend his time with.. it could go many different ways but I don't think its fair to punish him for his family, nor to take on the responsibility of keeping his relationship with his family positive - he needs to take those reigns.

From my own personal experience - my SOs family have such an issue with our relationship that his mother and sister are not attending our wedding. His parents are married yet his father is the only one coming to the big day. His father is doing it out of duty though, he doesn't really want to be there either. Early on in our relationship I would cry about what they thought of me and that they didn't respect or like my relationship with him.. but as time as gone on I've realised that it is THEIR loss. My SO is happy, he is standing his ground with pursuing his life with me, if they want to be on our side and support it then that's great, if not.. well then they aren't people worth fighting for if they can't be happy for him; let alone support it, if ONLY for the sake of their relationship with him. They would rather sacrifice the relationship than be open to what he has chosen for himself..

It's hard, sometimes I feel angry, sometimes I feel sad.. but the constant battle is to accept that THIS is the way they are and are choosing to handle the situation, you can't force them.. just as they cannot force him to make the decisions that they 'approve' of. You have to pursue your own happiness, nobody else can decide it for you.

[Verojoon]

Thank you so much for your responses!
I did talk to him a bit more today... and he told me that I needed to stop worrying and over-thinking things. He said his problem with his mother were because she is unreasonable and not anything of my fault...

I love him.