How to stop feeling guilry about everything?

[katiecat08]

I have this guilty conscience in me constantly. I always feel like if something goes wrong, its my fault. My SO has people disappointed in him and mad at him and I feel like I'm the reason yet he keeps telling me I'm not. My sister is constantly mad at me because we talk so much and she doesn't understand what love is until you experience it. I just walk around always thinking, its my fault and I know its not. I can't help the way I feel about my SO. I love him and he's sacrificing a lot to be with me which makes me feel even worse despite the fact I want him here with me. How cam I stop having this worrying and guilty conscience over my head all the time? I've been praying about it and sometimes I just wish both of us could move far away together to avoid all the craziness with our families.

[Verojoon]

Yesterday, I made a post in which I pretty much said I feel guilty about how much tension I cause between my boyfriend's mother and him. But last night he told me something that stuck (for now) He said the problem was her not me, and if I wasn't in the picture, she would spread her negativity onto something else or someone else...

It's what I needed to hear. The tension would still be there if I wasn't in the picture.

So even if you were the reason, the fact that these people are mad and disappointed is up to THEM, not you. You are not in the wrong... and if people want to be negative, they will find a reason to be negative...

That being said, some people are just more prone to feeling guilt than others. You may need to work hard at not feeling guilty... and sometimes it just helps to talk about it... You know you shouldn't feel guilty, but you feel it anyways, so talk it out and see if you can work it out of your system.. In my case, it usually eventually comes back again, but each time I'm better equipped to deal with it...

[Jazi]

some people are just more prone to feeling guilt than others. You may need to work hard at not feeling guilty... and sometimes it just helps to talk about it... You know you shouldn't feel guilty, but you feel it anyways, so talk it out and see if you can work it out of your system.. In my case, it usually eventually comes back again, but each time I'm better equipped to deal with it...

I agree with this.

OP, it sounds to me like you are just taking on guilt that doesn't belong to you . It probably is something you just need to work on.. there is no magical fix to something like that, just working on your state of mind; a deep breath and take a step back from the situation and evaluate if the guilt is actually warranted.. or if it is something you are unnecessarily taking on.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I have this guilty conscience in me constantly.

...My sister is constantly mad at me because we talk so much and she doesn't understand what love is until you experience it.

I'm quite a guilty person too, so I can relate. It's important to try and let go of the things you have no control over - but recognise which things you DO have control over. You don't have control over how people behave towards your SO, so you need to let that go as much as you can, and just be there for him when he IS feeling low because people are disappointed with him. If you can counter-act some of the negativity he feels by being sympathetic and loving towards him, he'll feel more relaxed, and if he's more relaxed, it'll probably help you relax more.

However, you DO have some control over your guilt over your sister. I remember you posted about problems with your sister. Have you tried any of the advice given to you on that thread? Because in terms of guilt with your sister, I think some of the suggestions there, (which were mainly just make time JUST for her), will help ease your guilt. It's not very fair of you to say that because she's not in love, she doesn't understand that you want to spend time with your SO, because usually if someone has a problem with you spending time with someone else, it's because it affects them in some way. As I said in the other thread, I can't judge whether you're spending too little time with her because I'm not there, but if it's such a persistent problem that you're feeling guilty about it - and as it's her direct reaction to your direct action, it's in your control - I think there are probably things you can do to address it and bring a bit more peace and harmony to your relationship with her.

[arrah5]

I can relate to you on this one. My SO's family is upset with him because of our relationship, and I feel horrible pain from guilt when I think about him leaving his family and life to come live with me. He has said many times that he is coming here instead of me going there. He has 4 kids, 3 sisters, and a great job in the place where he was born and raised, and I feel so guilty about asking him to leave it all behind. He keeps reminding me that its ok, and he is choosing to move. Its hard to not have those feelings, but with the family situation, you just have to let go of that one. It is her problem, not yours. You cant sacrifice your own happiness thinking that you can make someone else happy. People that cause drama like that feed off of it, and she will try to make someone else miserable if she isn't making you and him miserable. Shes going to cause trouble where ever she goes. That's how I feel about my SO's mom. Plus, I know it isn't me personally that she has an issue with, but the situation that he is in. She hasn't approved of anything he has ever done in his life, so why should his relationship with me be any different?

As for the leaving things behind, he keeps reminding me that its is choice to move. He doesn't have the same things tying him to where he is, and if things were different and he had custody of his kids, then it would be more difficult for him to leave. He understands that I want my kids to graduate from their current schools, that the education they are getting is far too important to ask them to pack up and relocate.

As far as your sister goes, try to understand her feelings, you are her sister, and that bond far outweighs any romance with a man. Your sister will be there for you when he isn't. She shares the same blood as you, the same family, the same upbringing, and its not fair for her to have to take a back seat to a new romance. When everyone else in the world walks out on you, your sister will be by your side. Don't take that for granted, she is important. She can be your best friend, your most important advisor, and your #1 confidant. Treat her right, and give her the time and attention she deserves.

Its all about perspective. Realize that you cant make everyone happy, no matter how hard you try. Some people are controlling, and another persons love life is something they cant maintain control of, especially if the object of their affection is miles and miles away. Also if his mother is a controlling person, she cant maintain that control if he moves to you. That has to be upsetting. Keep in mind that he is a grown man fully capable of making his own decisions, nobody is forcing him to be with you, he is choosing you. Dont let the guilt bog you down and destroy your potential happiness.

[Verojoon]

Plus, I know it isn't me personally that she has an issue with, but the situation that he is in. She hasn't approved of anything he has ever done in his life, so why should his relationship with me be any different?

This is exactly my SO's mother!