Do I stay or do I move on?

[Sanja]

Five months into the relationship and my SO tells me today he's been with someone. At the very beginning, we agreed that we'd be ok if that happened seeing how far away we are from one another. Well, I am everything but. In my past two relationships, 2yrs and 4yrs, I have been cheated on both times. He knew how heartbroken that left me. Deep down somewhere, I'd hoped he wouldn't do it. He says he loves me and wants us to have a life together. He also says he wouldn't leave me for another. I can't help but feel that this has damaged our relationship.I feel hurt, but I do not want to lose him or what we have. What do I do? I would love to hear your thoughts on this!

[lademoiselle]

I would stay, and tell my SO that now it's happened I know that the arrangement we decided on at the beginning is not something I can cope with. To be fair, because you both agreed at the start of your relationship that it would be okay for you both to go with other people, your SO didn't cheat on you as such. If you give your partner permission to do something, even if you hope they won't, you can't hold it against them afterwards if they go ahead and do it. I'm not being critical of you personally, by the way We've all thought sometimes that we're going to be fine with something, but it's only when it happens that we realise for ourselves that we aren't okay with it at all. I would have an honest talk with your SO about this, to reassess where you both stand on the issue. I'd say what matters is that your views on the subject are compatible from now on, putting aside what has already been. Good luck!

[Jazi]

I completely agree with lademoiselle.

You two made an agreement at the beginning of your relationship that it would be ok to be with other people. The terms of the relationship do not change until you have another discussion and come to a new agreement.

I also feel like you were some-what testing him.. by saying "I have been cheated on both times. He knew how heartbroken that left me. Deep down somewhere, I'd hoped he wouldn't do it." He didn't cheat on you, from what you agreed on he was fully within the lines of your relationship. If it's not ok with you for him to be with someone else then you needed to have said that, he can't read your mind, you initially said ONE thing (albeit, at the beginning of the relationship, but it was the most recent understanding made) and you were secretly hoping for him to do the opposite.

It's like if I gave off the impression that I liked chocolate ice cream, I said that I would be good with chocolate ice cream, and then my SO buys me chocolate ice cream (because that's what we discussed would be ok).. and I get annoyed and actually was secretly hoping he would read my mind and MAGICALLY know that I like strawberry.

Anyway, It's happened now.. can't change the past. But you really should have a new conversation on the boundaries of your relationship.

[Malaga]

I agree with the posters above about how you should've been clearer about what you can tolerate in the relationship. However, I wonder how did you two first approach this subject? Was it him who pushed for an open relationship? Why did you agree to it if you weren't OK with it from the start? Were you afraid you'd lose him if you didn't? I think these are all important things to think about ahead of your conversation with him.

Personally I would be really disappointed if my SO even just suggested the idea of an open relationship, as that would mean we didn't hold the same values. Your SO didn't do anything wrong if he got the permission for it, but unless you can get on the same page about what you both find important and what kind of behavior you can accept, you won't get very far in the relationship. And especially if you feel like you have to give up your values in order not to lose him. It's going to catch up with you at some point, like this caught up with you now.

[.:*Shaunna*:.]

You need to tell him how you really feel. I don't condone his cheating nor do I think your agreement gives him an 'excuse' as such. but if you're not okay with being with other people you need to say so. I can completely understand the pain, but you need to let him know

[Black_Halloween]

I agree with the posters above about how you should've been clearer about what you can tolerate in the relationship. However, I wonder how did you two first approach this subject? Was it him who pushed for an open relationship? Why did you agree to it if you weren't OK with it from the start? Were you afraid you'd lose him if you didn't? I think these are all important things to think about ahead of your conversation with him.

Personally I would be really disappointed if my SO even just suggested the idea of an open relationship, as that would mean we didn't hold the same values. Your SO didn't do anything wrong if he got the permission for it, but unless you can get on the same page about what you both find important and what kind of behavior you can accept, you won't get very far in the relationship. And especially if you feel like you have to give up your values in order not to lose him. It's going to catch up with you at some point, like this caught up with you now.

This. All of this.

[Sanja]

Thank you all for your honesty. I've had some thinking to do and things to talk about with my SO. We agreed that we both want our relationship to work and we will make an effort to do just that. Things are back to normal and I am looking forward to planning my trip to go and visit him soon.