As it becomes more and more real by the day, I've started acclimating to the idea that, oh my god, this is actually going to happen in a couple of months! I mean I logically knew it would, but my entire being is only now starting to catch up, I think. <_< Today, I realized that the chaos of emotions surrounding this move is starting to surface. Therefore, as a pre-emptive strike, I decided to organize my thoughts a little because my super-logical-to-the-point-of-being-oblivious boyfriend needs fair warning that his girlfriend is about to turn into a person he might not know how to handle thanks to the upcoming major changes about to occur in her life. I know for a fact that I turn into an incomprehensible babbler when I talk about my feelings, so I started writing in the hopes of organizing my thoughts. Here's what I came up with. This won't be sent for a while, and I'll probably add/subtract things as the weeks go by, but I think I like the idea of handwriting and mailing him this letter at some point. Thoughts?
baby, i love you. but in the next few weeks, my decisions will not make sense to you. they will be erratic and i will be emotional. please take me in stride. this is a big thing for me, whether we admit it or not. please don’t ignore me, because i will need the same steadfast strength and stability that you’ve continuously shown me over the past year. please don’t be mad. please just let me know you understand, that you still care even though i might seem like a different person to the F. you’re used to. this is still me. just me during a period of change and confusing emotions. i have a difficult time processing my feelings when they’re all jumbled up like this. writing helps sort them out, so maybe that’s why i’m writing this instead of just telling you.
anyway, i’m sad about leaving g. here. i’m scared for her and i feel guilty. it’s big sister guilt. i don’t think i can get rid of it. i don’t think i should. i’m scared for me, too. i’m scared of leaving my comfort zone. i’m scared that we’re leaving what has been the status quo for the majority of our relationship. it was so damn sad, but we made this distance work and habit forced me to get used to it. as much as i’ve been uprooted in the past, i think i’ve developed quite the unhealthy dose of fear of change.
and then there’s the overwhelming relief that this distance is finally over. i am so excited about all these new undertakings that will come with finally being within whispering distance from you. i am ecstatic about this new job, our future house, our glering of cats. i am so overjoyed by the idea that we won’t have to be apart anymore. that i’m finally going to be a nurse in the field that i’m most interested in. that i won’t have to play unappreciated parent for my sisters anymore.
all these emotions are and will continue to play havoc with my personality. i’m a hurricane and i’m so, so sorry if i continue to confuse you, but i’ve never met anyone who can make me feel as reassured as you do. when you hold me, or talk to me, i breathe a little easier. you slow the chaos in my mind down. you make it manageable, workable.
when d-day comes, i won’t want to choose between you and my sister and my friends, so perhaps we should spent it apart. when you’re with me, i’m so prone to just relaxing into your strength, but during the final days, i’m going to need my own resolve to get me through the motions with the people i love here in Vegas. i need to say my goodbyes, as emotional as they might end up being. i need to stay up all night, reminiscing and eating ice cream with them, if that’s what it takes. that is the only way to do it, i’ve learned. i can’t just breeze by a place i've lived in for years. i can't just sneak out. i’ve lost so many people that way. so we might have to cry it out, and probably laugh at our silliness ‘coz we’ll see each other again in a few months.
that way, when i come to florida with you, i would’ve spent my sadness enough that the happiness can take over.
like i said, it might not make sense to you. it’s both a culture and gender difference i think, but there you go. just please, please.. it’s normal for me. don’t think i’m crazy, okay?
anyway, i’m sad about leaving g. here. i’m scared for her and i feel guilty. it’s big sister guilt. i don’t think i can get rid of it. i don’t think i should. i’m scared for me, too. i’m scared of leaving my comfort zone. i’m scared that we’re leaving what has been the status quo for the majority of our relationship. it was so damn sad, but we made this distance work and habit forced me to get used to it. as much as i’ve been uprooted in the past, i think i’ve developed quite the unhealthy dose of fear of change.
and then there’s the overwhelming relief that this distance is finally over. i am so excited about all these new undertakings that will come with finally being within whispering distance from you. i am ecstatic about this new job, our future house, our glering of cats. i am so overjoyed by the idea that we won’t have to be apart anymore. that i’m finally going to be a nurse in the field that i’m most interested in. that i won’t have to play unappreciated parent for my sisters anymore.
all these emotions are and will continue to play havoc with my personality. i’m a hurricane and i’m so, so sorry if i continue to confuse you, but i’ve never met anyone who can make me feel as reassured as you do. when you hold me, or talk to me, i breathe a little easier. you slow the chaos in my mind down. you make it manageable, workable.
when d-day comes, i won’t want to choose between you and my sister and my friends, so perhaps we should spent it apart. when you’re with me, i’m so prone to just relaxing into your strength, but during the final days, i’m going to need my own resolve to get me through the motions with the people i love here in Vegas. i need to say my goodbyes, as emotional as they might end up being. i need to stay up all night, reminiscing and eating ice cream with them, if that’s what it takes. that is the only way to do it, i’ve learned. i can’t just breeze by a place i've lived in for years. i can't just sneak out. i’ve lost so many people that way. so we might have to cry it out, and probably laugh at our silliness ‘coz we’ll see each other again in a few months.
that way, when i come to florida with you, i would’ve spent my sadness enough that the happiness can take over.
like i said, it might not make sense to you. it’s both a culture and gender difference i think, but there you go. just please, please.. it’s normal for me. don’t think i’m crazy, okay?