Is it normal to feel upset if we don't have sex every time we meet up?

[candii]

Delete this thread please

[ThePiedPiper]

Have you asked him why he's wanting to do more things during the day and explained that you're feeling a bit shut down as far as having sexual connection and intimacy, since you both normally go your separate ways after a day out?

[digitalfever]

Have you ever considered that he wants to spend time with you and not just inside you?

I mean I get not having sex is upsetting but the guy wants to spend the day with you.

[kattermole]

I'd probably feel upset, like you. Or rather, a bit disappointed, perhaps. I'm a really tactile person and physical intimacy is really important to me and my SO so it's an integral part of our visits and I love the closeness it brings. I think it's important to get a combination of going out and doing things, but also staying in and having that intimacy, and when you only see each other every few weeks, that balance is even more important. Are you able to go back to his earlier in the evening or would his parents not like that, do you think? Could you cook them a meal or something and all have it together, then it's more natural that you just stay over?

[Zephii]

This reply may be a bit scattered. Multi-tasking. Don't take that to heart.

I think you should put your sex related posts in the adults section of the forum in future. Not because I'm a prude, but just because it keeps shit tidy.

But that's beside the point. Honestly, I think this is going to be good for you. There are lots of ways to be intimate besides having sex, and there are many opportunities for having sex that aren't at night in bed. My SO and I actually refer to at night in bed sex as our "old people sex". It's what we do when we're too tired and lazy to come up with something better. So, how about you come up with something better? There are lots of options.
It sounds a bit like maybe he wants the evenings with his family for a change (maybe they work, and that's the best time to catch them?)

Mostly though you just need to talk to him, without pressuring him.

It's easy as a chick to expect guys to just be ready to go anytime. But it's really not like that at all. There are loads of women with higher libidos than their partners, I'm one of them. So there's nothing wrong with you or with him. But you've got to work with what you've got.

[.:*Shaunna*:.]

I suggest talk to him. I think it's a good thing that he is wanting to spend time with you and not just making it about sex (not saying you are). Let him know how you are feeling as he might not even realise how it is effecting you

[MadMolly]

I don't really understand why you can't do both? Go out in the day, spend the evening at home, sleep over?

[candii]

I don't really understand why you can't do both? Go out in the day, spend the evening at home, sleep over?

I would love to do that, that would be my ideal date! But the thing is - and this is why I've wrote this thread - he definitely specified to me that he wanted to go out in the day, and not do anything together at night. He said something along the lines of "we should start doing more things in the day, like go to a museum or something, have a coffee for lunch, rather than go out for tea the whole afternoon/evening/night thing"... and we have been out in the day on several occasions simply for lunch, but I've been really put off by the experience (and ended up going home alone feeling disappointed) because I remember feeling way too cheeky to ask him if I could stay at his (his parents) house, and what their reaction would be to me coming home with him... but I suppose they know were a couple (his mum is lovely, she recently surprised me with some really nice presents for my birthday, so I know they must like me! ), and it would be a good chance for me to get to know them better and vice versa. But how would I ask him if I could stay over? Haha I feel really cheeky asking I prefer it if he invites me to stay over so I don't feel like I'm intruding in his house lol, plus I then know that he actually wants to be intimate with me.

[LadyDaemon]

I agree with the above posters. Another thing you can do is either you or him can save up for a hotel room for you guys to stay in if possible. That way you don't have to worry about going home to either house and you can have alone/intimate together. I'm not saying do this all of the time but it may be an option for like every other visit or something.

[ThePiedPiper]

I would love to do that, that would be my ideal date! But the thing is - and this is why I've wrote this thread - he definitely specified to me that he wanted to go out in the day, and not do anything together at night. He said something along the lines of "we should start doing more things in the day, like go to a museum or something, have a coffee for lunch, rather than go out for tea the whole afternoon/evening/night thing"... and we have been out in the day on several occasions simply for lunch, but I've been really put off by the experience (and ended up going home alone feeling disappointed) because I remember feeling way too cheeky to ask him if I could stay at his (his parents) house, and what their reaction would be to me coming home with him... but I suppose they know were a couple (his mum is lovely, she recently surprised me with some really nice presents for my birthday, so I know they must like me! ), and it would be a good chance for me to get to know them better and vice versa. But how would I ask him if I could stay over? Haha I feel really cheeky asking I prefer it if he invites me to stay over so I don't feel like I'm intruding in his house lol, plus I then know that he actually wants to be intimate with me.

That sounds like he wants to do more things during the day. I don't see how that communicates that he doesn't want sex or sexual intimacy at all. It'd be one thing if he said "we should start doing more things during the day, but I don't want to have sex every night," but this is entirely different. :/ It sounds like he wants to spend time doing things with you that aren't... sex. And if you want to stay over, ask. It doesn't sound cheeky and you're not going to force him to have sex with you. Can he not come back to yours? Or maybe you can get a hotel? Or if you don't want to ask to stay over directly, why not say you still want to make time for physical intimacy or be flirtacious and say you're still hoping that there will be time for sex? I don't see why he can only want you if he asks you to stay over and have sex with him. :/ If you're mature enough to be having sex, you're mature enough to be communicating your needs. It doesn't sound like he was rejecting sex, just that he wants to expand your horizons and bond with you over other things...

[candii]

That sounds like he wants to do more things during the day. I don't see how that communicates that he doesn't want sex or sexual intimacy at all. It'd be one thing if he said "we should start doing more things during the day, but I don't want to have sex every night," but this is entirely different. :/ It sounds like he wants to spend time doing things with you that aren't... sex. And if you want to stay over, ask. It doesn't sound cheeky and you're not going to force him to have sex with you. Can he not come back to yours? Or maybe you can get a hotel? Or if you don't want to ask to stay over directly, why not say you still want to make time for physical intimacy or be flirtacious and say you're still hoping that there will be time for sex? I don't see why he can only want you if he asks you to stay over and have sex with him. :/ If you're mature enough to be having sex, you're mature enough to be communicating your needs. It doesn't sound like he was rejecting sex, just that he wants to expand your horizons and bond with you over other things...

I know what you mean, I hope you're right! I'll be made up if it really is that simple! haha. Let me explain since I haven't told the whole story properly here, I was worried because last year we had a rough patch... (I was depressed/had OCD, it was a really bad time) so we were on/off, and I guess I'm scared/apprehensive because of that time. We went out to the park, and although we did kiss, he suddenly was reluctant to stay, and it was so anti-climactic, like the day just ended in the afternoon, and it was such a disappointment compared to what I was used to. It's like he spoilt me at the beginning, he would take me out for meals/drinks etc. wine & dine all evening, night and the morning after, we'd always go back to his, and it's been like that lately and I don't want that to change! I love it as it is, but he wants to do other things and expand our horizons, which is completely understandable.

However, again during the bad time we went through, a few days after the park incident, we went out to the cinema and he literally didn't touch me once like even put his arm around me, and afterwards we just made our own separate ways home after he gave me a hug saying that it was a 'friendly hug'(!). We broke up after that, because he saw me as a friend and I saw him as more, I still don't understand that, I don't want to bring up past issues but I guess when we go out in the day it triggers these bad memories for me. He does find me sexually attractive now because he's always complimenting me and is very romantic always telling me sweet nothings, but I guess there's that doubt in the back of my mind because of what happened in the past. I'm finding it hard to trust him again but I am trying my best, because he means so much to me. I would love to simply spend the day with him, but I also love the intimacy, and I want to feel safe that he won't leave me again. Its like I need that reassurance, especially with the distance so not being able to physically be close much anyway.

[arrah5]

Who's to say what's "normal"? I know, for my relationship, it can completely depend on the circumstances. When I drive up to see him specifically, whether it be for a day trip or a weekend stay at the hotel, I expect to get some, simply because we do make the most of the time we get to spend together, and well, we both have needs. However, if the reason we happen to be together is due to an event for our childrens' youth organizations, then the sex is completely off the table, along with regular PDA's. We respect our children enough to keep our relationship as polite and low key as possible when we are in the company of their peers and adult advisors.

Talk to your SO, let him know how you feel about it. He may not realize that you are feeling deflated, or you might be misunderstanding him. But honestly if hes not in the mood, there's not much you can do about that, if he needs some space, give it to him, but please do let him know how you feel so he can make a decision with all the facts laid out. Perhaps, his parents have said something to him and he is trying to be polite, or like a previous poster suggested, trying to bond with you over other interests. Sometimes when sex is introduced early in a relationship, its hard to tell if its love, or lust. Talking to him is the only way to find out what is going on. He's not a mind reader either.

[digitalfever]

I know what you mean, I hope you're right! I'll be made up if it really is that simple! haha. Let me explain since I haven't told the whole story properly here, I was worried because last year we had a rough patch... (I was depressed/had OCD, it was a really bad time) so we were on/off, and I guess I'm scared/apprehensive because of that time. We went out to the park, and although we did kiss, he suddenly was reluctant to stay, and it was so anti-climactic, like the day just ended in the afternoon, and it was such a disappointment compared to what I was used to. It's like he spoilt me at the beginning, he would take me out for meals/drinks etc. wine & dine all evening, night and the morning after, we'd always go back to his, and it's been like that lately and I don't want that to change! I love it as it is, but he wants to do other things and expand our horizons, which is completely understandable.

However, again during the bad time we went through, a few days after the park incident, we went out to the cinema and he literally didn't touch me once like even put his arm around me, and afterwards we just made our own separate ways home after he gave me a hug saying that it was a 'friendly hug'(!). We broke up after that, because he saw me as a friend and I saw him as more, I still don't understand that, I don't want to bring up past issues but I guess when we go out in the day it triggers these bad memories for me. He does find me sexually attractive now because he's always complimenting me and is very romantic always telling me sweet nothings, but I guess there's that doubt in the back of my mind because of what happened in the past. I'm finding it hard to trust him again but I am trying my best, because he means so much to me. I would love to simply spend the day with him, but I also love the intimacy, and I want to feel safe that he won't leave me again. Its like I need that reassurance, especially with the distance so not being able to physically be close much anyway.

Here is the thing: How a couple is emotionally often affects how they act with one another physically and obviously you know this because you have some anxiety around the issue. HOWEVER, I feel that you’re blowing this a bit out of proportion. Every couple has a rough patch; every couple goes through times where they are intimate less or even not at all. Relationships don`t also run in one direction, they ebb and they flow and you have to adapt to it.
If you want intimacy then my dear by spending time with you he`s offering one of the greatest types of intimacy there is. Quality time can build and strengthen your relationship. I can understand that you are worried but going out doesn`t always mean you have to end up in the bedroom. With that said...., can I also point out that having sex, being touched etc... doesn't mean he wont leave you. Mistaking physical intimacy for emotional intimacy is a real problem.

[Zapookie]

I just want to say that you said you were happy with being wined and dined and then going back to his place, and that you want it to stay like that. Unfortunately though, people change as do relationships. I would find that pretty boring if my SO and I just went out for dinner, then boned down every time we saw each other. And also, as your relationship matures, you may not have sex so frequently, and that is completely natural and also something you'll need to come to terms with. There are other ways to be intimate, as other users have mentioned. Quality time may be different but it is definitely a form of intimacy. Spontaneity is the spice of life. Change is good. EMBRACE IT!

[Malaga]

My SO actually asked me if we could have 'less sex' in favour of spending time in other ways. It was a bit of a blow to the ego, especially when you have your head filled with stories about red-blooded males thinking about sex every 4 seconds or so. (And when you're kinda like that yourself...) But that's all part of love.

It sounds like he wants to get to know you more thoroughly and create memories with you. Or if you've had a tough time recently, maybe he can't/doesn't want to jump straight back to where you left it. Maybe he wants to take more time, take it slower, more properly. Don't take it to the heart. He seems to be taking good steps to develop your relationship.