Drama in the Loveboat

[Sav88]

Okay so yesterday I was talking with my SO via IM and it was going great, we were both happy and then a bombshell hit. We met and we're still on a penpal website so we have friends we share there and as I was talking to him I commented a girl pal and my SO had left a comment on her page saying,"I'm thinking my next trip abroad will be Germany." And I was like wtf...I'm in Australia?

Now, he's made plans to come see me a couple of times and those have gone down the gurgler. The last time I asked him if he was coming out to see me still, he told me that he just can't afford it yet. I said okay knowing times are tough, I'll come see you- as I've been saving up from doing my 2 shifts a week. Now my SO works Monday-Friday every week and he pays his father (he still lives with his parents) board money. And he owns a car etc so I know he pays bills. But so do I! But I seem to save better than him. I don't know his wage over there but I feel like he's making excuses. Also it hurt when I saw he was planning his next trip to Germany when he's supposed to be saving to see me after I've come to him next year. But then he told me recently as well that he was talking to his mum about moving out mid-next year. So...I dunno what's on his mind! I thought the logical thing was, I come see him (since he couldn't come to me), then he'll keep saving and eventually get his arse over to Australia so he can meet my folks etc. I just don't know whats going on anymore. He says he loves me, and I love him...he is a good guy and I just get the feeling he's all for himself.

Now I'm still at this very moment, waiting for him to get on IM - we usually chat around 7am (for me) and today after our little fight he's not shown up :/ To me, it's very immature and also on his page he's placed a music vid from youtube about getting people out of his way, wanting to do it his way and how someone's always holding him down. Okay, the fight began when I asked him about the Germany trip he was planning all of a sudden- he never told me about it. Then I asked if he was still planning to come see me and he said,"I'm not going to talk to you when you're like this to me," and its like..wtf!? Then he said he felt like he was being pushed. I'm not pushing him and frankly, it's like I've opened gates up for him. I've decided to go see him, and he wants me to eventually live over in the UK with him. I mean, as my friend told me after I told her about this, that it seems like he's sitting back and I'm handling all the stress and weight of our relationship and he's just getting all the perks. Like, he met my friend (since shes actually a friend of ours on the penpal site) he met her recently and she came to me and told me he was always talking about how excited he was that I was coming to see him, and how he thinks I'm special. Like..he seemed really nice to her and I know he can be but at times like this, times when we discuss our relationship seriously...he gets well..bitchy. I do love him deeply and I just get the feeling at times he doesn't love me as much as I love him.

[alise120]

You know what, I feel the same way as you. I try to make all of the effort and he just likes to lay back in the "comfort" zone. I feel like I'm lugging the whole relationship. And when I try to bring up about seeing each other in the near future (which is suppose to be soon), he gets all bitchy and tells me that I'm forcing him too much.

Like you, I'm mostly in the same boat and I feel highly frustrated and annoyed that he isn't making some effort to push this relationship along. No offense but your SO sounds like a teenage boy who wants it his way all the time. Like the world has to revolve around him. You put in all of this effort and he doesn't give you much squat back in return.

When you get the chance to talk to him, set him straight. If you have to shake him, then do it! Let him know that you want him to benefit more to the relationship as well. Sometimes there has to be arguments so you can get your point across even if it's harsh. He needs to hear your voice, loud and clear.

[annamorgan]

I know what you mean; I absolutely hate the feeling when you're pulling all the weight in the relationship :\ It sucks, I know. Well I just think you should talk to him, reasonably, about everything. Stay calm, and even if he gets worked up, try to be as coolheaded as possible. Also, if you are available to talking on the phone or on a webcam with him, I think it'd be much easier for you two to have a clearer form of communication than IMing.

[alise120]

I know what you mean; I absolutely hate the feeling when you're pulling all the weight in the relationship :\ It sucks, I know. Well I just think you should talk to him, reasonably, about everything. Stay calm, and even if he gets worked up, try to be as coolheaded as possible. Also, if you are available to talking on the phone or on a webcam with him, I think it'd be much easier for you two to have a clearer form of communication than IMing.

Now I'm reading it over, annamorgan is right. I guess people handle the situation differently. I handle mines a little more aggressively (I know it's kinda bad, but I have no choice), seeings that's the only way I can put my point across. But still like I said, you need to talk him straight.

[annamorgan]

Now I'm reading it over, annamorgan is right. I guess people handle the situation differently. I handle mines a little more aggressively (I know it's kinda bad, but I have no choice), seeings that's the only way I can put my point across. But still like I said, you need to talk him straight.

Haha, I know what you mean, I sound like I can handle this stuff like I say, but I usually get snappy myself heh.

[Zephii]

Hey
The thing is, it's hard. International romance has a big downside - the internationalness. Figuring out the future can be scary and downright painful, and it's easier to avoid talking than to make plans and follow through.
I still have this problem with Obi and I'm living in his country now >.> We try to talk and we both get a little deffensive and in the end we make no progress because he isn't ready to make plans and says he doesn't want to talk about it. If he even thinks about it, I don't know because he never suggests a new plan.

Now, I'm thinking your boy got angry because he knew he hurt you, knew it was his fault and had noone to blame kind of thing. Maybe he thinks if you're willing to go to him it isn't necessary for him to ever go to Australia for you. And maybe he's affraid he'll like Australia too much. I know this sounds dumb, but it happens. He might be so hell-bent on you eventually moving there he doesn't want to risk liking your country, family and friends - because in the long run that just makes it harder.

And then there's maturity, maybe he feels rushed because he just isnt ready to be that far out of his comfort zone. I believe that things will change a bit after you meet in person though. It becomes more rea then, and he'll know what he's missing and hopefully fight a bit harder for it.
Good luck, I hope you's can talk it through.

[alise120]

Haha, I know what you mean, I sound like I can handle this stuff like I say, but I usually get snappy myself heh.

Yup. It's hard trying to be nice when the situation is pissing you off. That's good you handle it more peacefully though (). I wish I could, but what ya gonna do....lol

[LadyMarchHare]

I received a valuable piece of advice last week: don't ever go to them angry or right when you find these things out. Take time to calm down, think, and figure out how to approach them.

While I can understand you're mad he's apparently made plans to go elsewhere (believe me I'd be spitting acid) accusing him of anything, acting mad, and basically jumping down his throat will get you nowhere because now he knows how you'll act about such subjects and have more reason to hide them from you and KEEP them hidden. And really, would you want to be made available to get yelled at or accused of certain things? It's annoying as all get out but he has a reason to avoid you if that's what's truly going on. As for the video, I put morbid songs on my Gaia profile all the time as well as quote lyrics from rather bad-sounding songs in my AIM status because I am either A) listening to said song, or B) really like it. Only rarely do they apply to my mood but it's hard to tell since, you know, it's text.

I think you need a chance to cool down and then approach him again and ask calmly why he wants to go to Germany more than see you because it may just be he wants to be a tourist there, it happens. Not every vacation they take should be to see their SO but if you guys have yet to see each other or haven't in more than 6 months then you may want to see just why he isn't taking such a rare opportunity to come see you instead as not only would it be a vacation but you'd get to spend time together. Tell him how you feel about these things but don't say it in such a way that makes it seem like you're accusing him of being a bad boyfriend. Men aren't mind-readers and a lot of times they can't take hints even if they're blatant. You have to be direct about these things and remain level so that they're more willing to work with you than find a way out.

[Lunar Snow]

You all are so sage, I don't really have much to add. Well, except, that even if I was playing tourist, I would choose Australia + my SO over Germany in a heartbeat. Also, the cooling off thing is really valuable advice. Sometimes people say stuff in passing when catching up with someone, especially in text, and don't really mean it/ can't or won't follow through on it yet ("Oh, we should get coffee sometime," "I'm thinking about visiting you in France when I have enough money," etc. have been things that I have said when corresponding with or bumping into someone and was either being intentionally vague about because I had no idea when they would happen or wished it could happen, but knew it wouldn't for a long time and not before other priorities). I definitely think you two need to discuss the issue further and he shouldn't wiggle out of the discussion, but a cool head and a honey tongue could definitely help him open up.

[Sav88]

Okay so I took everyone's advice about having the space and time to just think things through before talking to him. I didn't get to speak with him yesterday as he didn't get online- he must have been pissed. But I think the time apart was good. I cooled down and he did as well because we spoke this morning and talked it through. He told me that he dreams alot about travelling to different countries and that he said it probably won't happen. I told him that he does need to come see my family in Australia once we've met in England (if things work out) and he told me he really wants to do that. He told me he was finding it hard to save up for the flight and also since I'm coming to see him first in the UK, he told me he wanted to save some money for that- as he says he wants to pay for our accomodation. I of course said lets go half-half on things. Just so he knew I understood his situation about money doesn't grow on trees. But I worry that when I come visit him, it'll take a huge chunk out of his savings and it might take him a bit longer to get here- but I mean, I guess I can wait for as long as it takes him to save up.

But thankyou all for giving such great advice! I think if I didn't have the time to think it over before approaching him, I'd not get any results.

[Sav88]

ARRRGGH!!! He's doing it still!! D:

Like our friend Amy has told me that he asked her to go with him to Germany and she told him to ask me. I was really shocked and angered that he had sent her this the day after I thought we "settled" our disagreement. Then today he told yet another friend of his that he was looking forward to having his little trip to Germany or somewhere in Scandenavia. I was like wtf!? I thought he understood that saving up to see me in Australia after I've made my effort to meet him for the first time in the UK was a major priority. I'm so dissapointed in him :/ Yet I haven't brought it up with him that I'm hurting. I'm scared it'd make another arguement.

Also! he speaks with this Finnish girl he's friends with as well. Now she's attractive and when we fell out he made friends with her. She instantly started flirting with him all the time they talked and I got upset of course. He's still friends with her and I'm sure it's the person he talks to when he's supposed to be talking with me on IM (as he takes his time replying sometimes). Like Finland isn't too far from this trip he's planning for himself. So it's like...I wonder have they been talking about meeting up? D: I don't like her at all! I've told him this and he seems to think she's wonderful. I tried for the sake of him, to start a convo with this girl because he reckons I'd get along with her- nope! I sent a introduction message to her of myself and she replied back with a ME, ME, I, I attitude. She has many male friends from all over the world and she can't stop talking about herself. Also one of those guy friends is my BOYFRIEND! I can't stand the thought of her! I've had nightmares because of her- shes in them. So I fear it's the reason he wants to go travel so soon. I dunno for sure, but it's a fear of mine. Also, I've not brought it up with him and lets just say he's sensitive when it comes to me asking him (as you know) about coming to Australia and also my fears of our relationship.

[Zephii]

I'm going to be blunt, because I'm in a hurry. Please excuse that.

Basically, it's a new relationship and you's have not met. Perhaps he's keeping his options open? Which really isn't something to freak out about. Little competition never hurt anyone.
And he probably realises that all the travel he wants to do will be cheaper if he has friends all over the place he can stay with.

Talk to him, be honest, and try to trust. It's all you can do.
Peace, and carrots.

[LadyMarchHare]

No offense but you mentioned saying you believed he understood seeing you was a "major priority", are you sure he actually agreed to that and didn't just say it to, pardon my less than nice version of this, shut you up? If the guy wants to go to Germany, you really can't stop him no matter how many times you bicker over your opinion over his traveling. I mean yes it's not that great that he's choosing somewhere you aren't but I'd be far more concerned and bitter if I believed he was going there for something beyond meeting a friend and seeing the sights. You can't make the guy feel bad about wanting to do something that doesn't involve you, it's pointless because then he'll hide more things from you.

Also unless your guy's flirting back, I wouldn't worry about the new girl. You don't have to like his friends and unless she starts crossing the line by outwardly asking him very forward questions, to visit her, his number, or for pictures I'd learn to ignore her. Like Zephii said, you have to trust your guy and letting your own paranoia eat at you over a bimbo with a narcissism problem isn't going to do either of you a lick of good at the end of the day.