I want to talk today about the LDR I am currently in. It's such a bizarre and unique situation that I can't really bring myself to talk to anyone I know about it since I don't know how they could possibly relate to it.
My girlfriend lives in SE Asia and is from the area, I'm European. She's a lot older than me; I'm 20 whereas she is 31. Attraction-wise this isn't a problem, as she looks a lot younger than she really is.
We met while I was holidaying in the area last summer. I was skeptical at first and unsure if she was who she said she was, but I found out she was legit and very much a good girl.
She has a good job, well-educated, a nice house, is financially independent, from a nice family, has a good social life, etc. The country she is from isn't particularly wealthy but she lives comfortably.
I'm just a student; my income mainly comes from savings, loans and bursaries. However, I'm extremely fortunate in that I am able to get cheap flight tickets from a relative, and I fly out to see her every 3 months for about 2 weeks at a time. I'm a promising student at a good university, and prior to meeting this girl I wanted to follow a career in law.
We talk on Skype and Facebook every day.
The first 9 months, I was so head over heels for this girl. I would barely look at other girls, and declined any that approached or tried to hit on me without a moment's hesitation. We spoke on Skype for about an hour every day. The language barrier is a little difficult sometimes; english is her second language and she isn't fluent, but we both put serious effort into communicating and having conversations, making each other laugh, etc. For those first 9 months I was blissfully happy, being away was tough but we both weathered it. I was very much devoted to her and head over heels in love, her likewise.
I flew out to see her this april, and we got engaged. It's worth me mentioning that in her culture, getting engaged is usually a matter of just meeting the parents. She respects the fact that I am still studying and has told me she wants me to finish my degree first before I make the decision to move in with her and get married.
Over Skype we talked extensively about the future. The plan was for me to finish my degree, then fly over to her country to live with her, leaving my life in Europe behind. She has a lot of contacts and would be able to help me find a job, and says it would be easy as I am trilingual, but understandably the pay and career prospects would be nothing like the career path I intended to follow back in the west. Once I was financially secure we would tie the knot. The only pressure she is putting on me is that she has a child at no later than 35, which means I would have to become a father in 3 years time.
Everything was going great, until one day during my visit I found out some things about her past that I didn't particularly like. The revelation itself wasn't particularly bad or shocking, it just contradicted what she had told me about herself previously and seriously undermined my trust for her. After a stormy confrontation I threatened to leave. At this point she bursts into tears, clutches at my leg and begs me to stay. I stop seeing red for a moment and realise what I'm doing, so I stay and we talk things over.
I returned home, missing her just as much as ever but this time something was different. I had never been fond of my home country (United Kingdom); I get genuinely quite depressed in the winter when it is dark at 4pm and the sun never shines. I have a lot of good friends but the general populace depress me too. I enjoy the culture but there are several aspects to it which I find stifling and oppressive. The prospect of moving to live in SE Asia to be with somebody that I loved seemed too good to be true.
But stepping through the arrival gates at Heathrow airport I realised this place is my home. My friends, my family (whom I am very close to), my childhood, my plans for the future... It is all here.
This realisation sent me spiralling into a series of other doubts and worries.
- The age difference between us has never been a problem, but I have doubts about for how much longer this will be the case. As she nears her late 30's/early 40's, she will be past her peak whereas I will have just started mine.
- Financial stability in the future. She has a good job and lives quite comfortably, but I despair that I will feel dissatisfied with whatever work she is able to help me find in Asia.
- If I get married at such a young age, will I feel like I'm missing out? The majority of my friends back home will be getting settled into their careers and enjoying the fruits of independent, carefree adulthood, but what about me? Will I resent this girl for having "stolen my youth"? Will I be able to cope with the responsibilities of fatherhood at the age of 23? As she gets older, will my eyes start to wander towards other girls my age?
What terrifies me the most, is the thought of me somehow ruining this girl's life. If something were to happen once we had settled down and started a family, something which might prompt me to leave her and follow my own selfish agenda, she would be left devastated.
If I had no emotional investment in this girl, these doubts would be reason enough for me to leave and move on. But this isn't the case. I remember her lying next to me, telling me that her dream is for us to live happily together forever, and I was nearly moved to tears.
Over the last 9 months, I remember feeling giddy every day when we spoke on Skype, and how every time I walked through the arrivals hall to meet her my heart hammering in my ears like a drum. All I wanted was for us to be happy together, forever. But now, I realise that I might not be able to give us that. As much as it pains me to say it... I wish she would realise this too. I wish we could both go our separate ways. I wish she would find someone else, someone who could take care of her forever, and be happy with them... Because deep down, I know that if I try to be that somebody, it's a matter of time before it ends in tears and pain for both of us.
My only problem is, I'm too selfish to let her go. I'm too afraid to look her in the eyes and tell her that everything that we have shared up until now has been for nothing.
I have been awake for quite a while working on a project and am quite tired so all of this probably isn't so well-written, but it's been on my mind ever since I got back from my latest visit and I just have to get it off my chest.
My girlfriend lives in SE Asia and is from the area, I'm European. She's a lot older than me; I'm 20 whereas she is 31. Attraction-wise this isn't a problem, as she looks a lot younger than she really is.
We met while I was holidaying in the area last summer. I was skeptical at first and unsure if she was who she said she was, but I found out she was legit and very much a good girl.
She has a good job, well-educated, a nice house, is financially independent, from a nice family, has a good social life, etc. The country she is from isn't particularly wealthy but she lives comfortably.
I'm just a student; my income mainly comes from savings, loans and bursaries. However, I'm extremely fortunate in that I am able to get cheap flight tickets from a relative, and I fly out to see her every 3 months for about 2 weeks at a time. I'm a promising student at a good university, and prior to meeting this girl I wanted to follow a career in law.
We talk on Skype and Facebook every day.
The first 9 months, I was so head over heels for this girl. I would barely look at other girls, and declined any that approached or tried to hit on me without a moment's hesitation. We spoke on Skype for about an hour every day. The language barrier is a little difficult sometimes; english is her second language and she isn't fluent, but we both put serious effort into communicating and having conversations, making each other laugh, etc. For those first 9 months I was blissfully happy, being away was tough but we both weathered it. I was very much devoted to her and head over heels in love, her likewise.
I flew out to see her this april, and we got engaged. It's worth me mentioning that in her culture, getting engaged is usually a matter of just meeting the parents. She respects the fact that I am still studying and has told me she wants me to finish my degree first before I make the decision to move in with her and get married.
Over Skype we talked extensively about the future. The plan was for me to finish my degree, then fly over to her country to live with her, leaving my life in Europe behind. She has a lot of contacts and would be able to help me find a job, and says it would be easy as I am trilingual, but understandably the pay and career prospects would be nothing like the career path I intended to follow back in the west. Once I was financially secure we would tie the knot. The only pressure she is putting on me is that she has a child at no later than 35, which means I would have to become a father in 3 years time.
Everything was going great, until one day during my visit I found out some things about her past that I didn't particularly like. The revelation itself wasn't particularly bad or shocking, it just contradicted what she had told me about herself previously and seriously undermined my trust for her. After a stormy confrontation I threatened to leave. At this point she bursts into tears, clutches at my leg and begs me to stay. I stop seeing red for a moment and realise what I'm doing, so I stay and we talk things over.
I returned home, missing her just as much as ever but this time something was different. I had never been fond of my home country (United Kingdom); I get genuinely quite depressed in the winter when it is dark at 4pm and the sun never shines. I have a lot of good friends but the general populace depress me too. I enjoy the culture but there are several aspects to it which I find stifling and oppressive. The prospect of moving to live in SE Asia to be with somebody that I loved seemed too good to be true.
But stepping through the arrival gates at Heathrow airport I realised this place is my home. My friends, my family (whom I am very close to), my childhood, my plans for the future... It is all here.
This realisation sent me spiralling into a series of other doubts and worries.
- The age difference between us has never been a problem, but I have doubts about for how much longer this will be the case. As she nears her late 30's/early 40's, she will be past her peak whereas I will have just started mine.
- Financial stability in the future. She has a good job and lives quite comfortably, but I despair that I will feel dissatisfied with whatever work she is able to help me find in Asia.
- If I get married at such a young age, will I feel like I'm missing out? The majority of my friends back home will be getting settled into their careers and enjoying the fruits of independent, carefree adulthood, but what about me? Will I resent this girl for having "stolen my youth"? Will I be able to cope with the responsibilities of fatherhood at the age of 23? As she gets older, will my eyes start to wander towards other girls my age?
What terrifies me the most, is the thought of me somehow ruining this girl's life. If something were to happen once we had settled down and started a family, something which might prompt me to leave her and follow my own selfish agenda, she would be left devastated.
If I had no emotional investment in this girl, these doubts would be reason enough for me to leave and move on. But this isn't the case. I remember her lying next to me, telling me that her dream is for us to live happily together forever, and I was nearly moved to tears.
Over the last 9 months, I remember feeling giddy every day when we spoke on Skype, and how every time I walked through the arrivals hall to meet her my heart hammering in my ears like a drum. All I wanted was for us to be happy together, forever. But now, I realise that I might not be able to give us that. As much as it pains me to say it... I wish she would realise this too. I wish we could both go our separate ways. I wish she would find someone else, someone who could take care of her forever, and be happy with them... Because deep down, I know that if I try to be that somebody, it's a matter of time before it ends in tears and pain for both of us.
My only problem is, I'm too selfish to let her go. I'm too afraid to look her in the eyes and tell her that everything that we have shared up until now has been for nothing.
I have been awake for quite a while working on a project and am quite tired so all of this probably isn't so well-written, but it's been on my mind ever since I got back from my latest visit and I just have to get it off my chest.
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