I need Your advice please! Thanks guys!

[StephyyB]

Hey guys. I'm pretty new to this site and I'm loving it so far! I've been reading through some other posts and none really seemed to help my issue, so I just thought would post my problem here. Any help or opinions would be appreciated.

I've been in a LDR for about a year now. I live in the UK and he lives in Hong Kong, we first met at college and only had a month together before we had to go long distance. We have been making it though fine, we have our arguments but I'm sure you can all agree that every couple does right? We have always been very focused and committed, and concentrating on the days till we could next see each other which is probably once every 4 months but we knew that was how it was going to be and we put our all into making it work for us.

However over the past month we have been arguing non stop, and we spent hours on the phone in silence not knowing what to say to each other.
Something has changed and last week during our worst argument he told me he has lost his feeling for me and he thinks our relationship is dull. I think I got too stressed out at school and he just started getting more and more angry. So he proposed a break so we don't talk for 2 weeks to try focus on ourselves for a while. But from what my friends have said a break is just one step before break up, and I'm scared that the longer we leave it without talking the worse it will get, I'm worried that maybe he is enjoying this break a little too much.

He has given up on us and no longer fights for our relationship, he no longer seems bothered, we never talk about the future and we don't have fun with each other any more. Is thee any way to save this? and get him to fight for us again like he used to.
And if we do decide to give it another go. Do any of you have any advice for bring the fun back into long distance?

Thanks so much to anyone that can help. Much appreciated

[Louise_B]

Ok From my experience, not just from LDR but in realationships in general. If they back off and seem like they aint interested but obviously you want him to want it. Its tough because you cant make him. What will be will be as hard as it may be for you, You just need to try and go on with your day to day chorse and just hope that he will hget it into his head your the one for him and his being dumb!

You cant make someone miss you or be with you for that matter. He needs to realise what his got waiting for him and hopefully it wont be too late before he does.

But on the other hand being in a LDR your mind goes mad and over think a situation! i have done it plenty of times already. Sometimes me and my SO will skype and were litreally like 'soooo' and we have nothing to talk about. and his even said his scared that he wont have a conversation for a skype date. so what if you guys have nothing to talk about, in most close relationships you sit there watching tele and have nothing to say to eachother all night anyways but the other nights you cant shut eachother up. Its just one of those things! You MAY think things have changed but really there just the same but your just scared it isnt!

Have you spoken to him at all recently? sorry if i seem blunt and rude but hey i'm only telling you my exeperience with this

[Black_Halloween]

Maybe the thing you can look at is why you're fighting so much and how you're fighting. Are either of you nit picking about little things? Are you screaming at each other then giving the silent treatment? I know its beating a dead horse but communication in LDRs needs much more work!

[Jazi]

Ok From my experience, not just from LDR but in relationships in general. If they back off and seem like they aint interested but obviously you want him to want it. Its tough because you cant make him. What will be will be as hard as it may be for you, You just need to try and go on with your day to day and just hope that he will get it into his head your the one for him and his being dumb!

You cant make someone miss you or be with you for that matter. He needs to realise

this ^ You can't make him have that 'fight' for the relationship, he needs to have that all on his own.. Sometimes you are the one in the relationship that gets left behind and the other person wants to move on, you can't force them to be with you. All you can do is express your desire and commitment to working through your issues and getting back to a great place - I would try talking to him in a positive way, get him to see the possible relationship you guys could get back if you put the effort into it.

In the end though, if he wants to leave.. you HAVE to let him. I'd say you should look at your part in the relationship though, what can you improve about yourself in a relationship? what are your relationship habits that pushed towards arguments and silence? all you can do is learn from the past and hopefully better yourself so that the next time around the relationship is great

[JoeyBug]

As others have said, you can't make him want to be in the relationship and you're going to have to accept that he possibly won't come back after the break and decide it's worth a shot. If he does, great and you can both work on your issues. If he doesn't, you need to be ready to let him go because you can't force him to stay.

Good Luck and it sucks when things like this happen!

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I remember someone here saying "a break isn't a magical cure for your problems", and it's something I really agree with. You might need a break from the fighting, but just having a time out isn't the same as solving the actual issues. I think during this break, as others have said, you need to think about what's CAUSING you two to fight so much, and think about ways you and your SO can work on them. You'll hear this a lot here, but communication is so important, and being able to 'fight right' is part of that. I think it's quite mean of your friend to say a break just leads to a break up, because I think that's more likely to be true if you expect the break to cure your problems without actually having to discuss them.

I agree with what other people have said - you can't make someone fight for your relationship. But if you show willing to put in effort, by taking this break to really think about what you guys can work on, I think you're much more likely to get him to be willing to work things through as well.

In terms of having nothing to talk about, it does happen to us all. Maybe one day you're just tired, or you've actually not done anything interesting that day, or you're having a day where your brain feels as active as a mop. There are a few things you could try to get talking again. One way is the "1000 questions": https://www.lovingfromadistance.com/1000questions.html so if you're having a quiet day, you can choose a question to talk about and hopefully start getting a conversation going. Another way is actually spending a little less time talking, and more time just doing your own thing. Because of the time difference, my SO is often free when I'm halfway out the door to the pub with some friends. And I divide my time so I spend enough time with my SO, but enough time doing my own stuff as well. It keeps me busy so I'm not constantly missing him, but also gives me things in my life to talk to him about that aren't just studying and work.