Sorority Party???

[Lunar Snow]

Hey, everyone. I couldn't sleep, so I thought I would start up another thread. I've been feeling pretty sick for the past two months or so and it has become a lot worse in the past two weeks. Anyway, it's kind of put a damper on the work search or has even put it on hold right now. ...and I haven't really wanted to discuss it with my SO in full. I was feeling pretty miserable about it today...alarmingly so, but someone had the good sense to pry me out of the house and make me go for a walk. That cheered me up a bit. Anyway, my SO and I had planned a movie night tonight and that got mutually nixed/ rescheduled for various, little reasons (me coming home late from the walk and him not being able to get the film, because it was out). I was actually a little disappointed, even though my sadness earlier in the day had made me think I didn't want to do it. Instead, my SO and I talked on the phone, but I just found myself only half listening, feeling miserable about not seeing him (a bad start), and distracted by trying to bring up the G discussion. He said that movie night couldn't be rescheduled for either tomorrow or Saturday, because B is coming into town for her sorority reunion and he thought they might hang out and have drinks or something (so...I also had the realization that he was keeping that information from me earlier in the week, when he completely avoided Friday or Saturday as my movie night suggestions). I felt a bit pouty from my general mood, but I have no reason to mistrust B and I liked her when I met her. ...but then later in the conversation, when I ask him (as politely as I could) if he instigated B and G adding me on Facebook, he not only said that he didn't and he was going to ask me about that (I guess I did jump to conclusions afterall)...but that they must have planned it together and how all four of them have been shooting emails back and fourth. They have been planning for B's sorority reunion (as far as I know, neither of the other girls were a part of the sorority) and all the music for it and stuff...so now it's not only the whole scooby gang, but somehow my SO is involved in an entire party of young women for the weekend??? Here I was saying that I still haven't unpacked my suitcase because I miss him and he was dragging his heels on cleaning his apartment...and suddenly its panic mode for him to tidy for his friends...I know we both need to move on and live our lives, but I feel like that was a little salt in the wound. With the way I was feeling, the nature of his weekend plans was the last thing I wanted to hear/ have sprung on me (because, really...that's what he did)...and so I just wanted to slither off the phone after that and curl up in a ball (he tried to keep me on for a little while, asking...unsuccessfully...what was wrong and turned the subject to my artwork and such, but I wanted to get away by that point). After I got off the phone, I ended up crying and feeling jealous of this gathering and also kind of pathetic, because I am away from all the friends my age right now and still need to find a job...and don't feel well.

I know that was really long. I could use some kind words right now...or some sense...or both.

[seshei]

These girls take up more space in your mind than they've earned. I understand how easy it can be to get jealous, especially in a long distance relationship where you don't get to see for yourself how people interact with each other as much, and your mind has more room to conjure up the worst case scenarios.

I've read through all the threads you've posted about your SO's friends. For your sake, I think you need to find a way to accept that these girls are his friends so that they're no longer perceived as a threat by you. If you don't find some way to accept that, you're going to make yourself crazy, wondering about every little thing.

Have a talk with him about them. From your posts, I can see you want to, but have been putting it off. But, the sooner you talk to him, the sooner you can put it out of your mind. Try to have a clear idea of what you want to say. Keep in mind that they are his friends, so try not to be nitpicky about things, but bring up one or two bigger things that give you cause to worry. Telling him that the comment from G, while you were standing right there, was insulting to you should be an easy concept for him to grasp. However, telling him that it annoys you that she likes the same things as you probably will just sound a bit catty, and could distract him from seeing the over all point. Hopefully he'll be able to see where you're coming from and give you the reassurance you need in this situation.

I wouldn't give this sorority party much thought. He's hanging out with his friends. It's easy to assume he intentionally kept it from you, but try not to think the worst. My SO has a friend (female) stopping by tomorrow to see him. Saturday is a day we usually spend together, as it's a day we can have a big chunk of time to do something together without his room mate constantly poking his head in to interrupt. He's known about her stopping by for a week or more, and only just told me about it last night. Big deal? Not really. One, he has a bad memory. Two, he just doesn't think about those things. Doesn't enter his mind. So, I'm not going to assume the worst- that he was hiding it from me and there must be something going on- because it does me no good to think that way.

It doesn't matter if you like his friends, or not. It really doesn't even matter if you trust them. The more important thing here is that you trust him to handle any situation with them appropriately. If he had any idea in mind that he wanted to be with any one of them, he'd not have introduced you to them. He wouldn't speak openly about them with you, and he definitely wouldn't have been affectionate towards you in front of them. I think those are pretty clear messages- to you, and to them- about who he wants to be with. Make it easy on yourself, and try to believe in that instead of worrying about silly girls trying to stir the pot.

[LadyMarchHare]

seshei is right. You have a huge jealousy issue when it comes to these girls and, from what I've observed, pretty much any girl. I can understand insecurity as most if not all women have it and some more than others, but even me with my low self image I'm not bothered in the least by any female friends regardless of if I know them or like them. It's all boils down to a matter of trust. You're acting like you need to brand your name on his forehead and cover him in your scent to ward off women he's not even looking at. Guys ogle, we ogle, but we're not going to drop people we love for a nice butt or face or the nearest thing that shows interest.

And I agree you need to come clean to him about the issues that matter because you talk of him supposedly hiding things from you and how it upsets you yet you hide these things from him. Don't you think he'd be upset if he thought you were keeping things from him too? When you have problems, you talk them out, but you can't expect him to wave a proverbial wand and make it all better. If even his reassurance that nothing's going on or will go on isn't sating you I think you may need to see at least a counselor about all this just so you can work towards clearing your mind of the petty what-ifs and paranoia and focus more on him and what's really going on so that, in the future, things won't come to a head and destroy either trust or the relationship entirely.

[Rhiavaan]

Stop keeping this from him, talk to him. Communication is key in LDR's my dear. I used to get the jealousy bug too until my man proved beyond a doubt he loved me, me, not them. Now I just grin and shake my head when I think back to how I used to be. This also seems to be a trust issue. Either you trust him or you don't. Yes, you could say 'I trust him, I don't trust them' but if you trust him, let him live his life and stop worrying so much. I do not mean to be harsh but if someone had told me some of this stuff flat out, years ago, I wouldn't of had a million walls for my guy to tear down.

[Lunar Snow]

Thanks for the responses and good advice. Unfortunately, I think you might be missing the information that I don't really trust him. This time last year, we had already known each other online for a few months and things came on so fast and he convinced me of so many things that weren't true and then basically decided (very abruptly) he couldn't handle any sort of relationship and didn't talk to me pretty much for over a month while he went off and had what he titles a fling/ friends with benefits situation. The fall came, and I still hadn't been over him, so I re-contacted him, more cautious, and that met with success and him even discussing that he had chosen me over this other girl. Then, that old rush of emotions, etc. returned and he felt it too, only we had some very, very rough patches, where he couldn't come to terms with the idea of a relationship or feeling so much for someone he hadn't met. It wasn't until January of this year that he really solidified in his efforts to be a better man and has truly come to be who I know I care for over time, and not am just feeling infatuated with. There is this story and various other reasons, as well as a predisposition from other relationships to feel jealous, that makes me not trust him or them and not able to just laugh off the jealousy. I want to stay with him, but we built our relationship on what started out as a very shaky foundation (and there is too much to describe here). I am extreme, perhaps, at times...amplified by feeling down, I suppose...and I could use some help for that, but I can't say that my feelings are completely unfounded or unjustified. I've brought up jealousy a bit with him before, but never to the extent I do here in the forum--I feel I can be candid and be accepted (give me some credit for common sense...I'm not going to tell him that I dislike G liking the same things, but I should tell him how I was really hurt by her going on about how long I had been there, how our relationship was inferior to hers, how she asked right in front of me and her date to make questionable plans with my SO, how very unkind she was to her date, and how I made an effort to communicate with her and why every effort I made was met with such a wall). As for the three girls, when I visited him and had hard evidence mind you, I found that, although he is a grown man, his opinions, actions, and even interests seem very much dictated by them. That means that if they don't like me (which, at least G most certainly does not), then he has potentially three people yammering in his suggestible ear against our relationship. Yes, I am jealous and worried. B, not as romantic competition, but if she told him the sky was green, then he would believe it. L it was who made that one comment, while G has a whole army of stuff against her. When I first got there, the guy was texting so much he could set a house on fire with his fingers and even when we were making out that first night, he got up to answer the phone (it chanced to be an important call, but not one that couldn't have waited...since it was for me)! I was pretty annoyed, so I told him that the next time he did that while we were doing something intimate, I would throw his precious Driod at a wall. Yes, he is a guy and forgetful and the whole lot, but I am also very aware of his ability to be keenly aware and even manipulative--I'm not sure how many times I have to repeat what is hurtful, etc. before he understands.

Anyway, so maybe the big problem here is how I feel toward him in the trust area. I couldn't sleep pretty much all night and ended up writing him this very emotional, confused (actually, not confused...I was pretty clear in what I was talking about, but being confused is what made me send it) bit of poetic prose, not even touching on these jealousy issues...but something more deep-rooted. Should I have sent it? Probably not, but I did click send as far as my puffy, crying eyes could see.

Side note about the sorority party: it's an issue because in the SAME conversation he went from saying he was having drinks with B, to changing it to hanging out with all three AND a sorority. This from the guy who, when he was giving me a tour of campus and nearby, said he was never into the Greek system and didn't care for or care to be a part of the lifestyle involved.

[Zephii]

It's a lot to go through, and I'm sympathetic to your cause, but I still believe in honesty, 100% honestly... Tell him why you don't trust him, tell him that you are worried because he seems to let these girls think for him. There should never be something you can not talk to your SO about.
It wouldn't be so hard to say "I'm a bit down about your weekend plans and a bit jealous, do you think you can call me <insert time here> or we could have a date <some other time that's soon> so I have something to look forward to? I miss you terribly."

[Lunar Snow]

It's a lot to go through, and I'm sympathetic to your cause, but I still believe in honesty, 100% honestly... Tell him why you don't trust him, tell him that you are worried because he seems to let these girls think for him. There should never be something you can not talk to your SO about.
It wouldn't be so hard to say "I'm a bit down about your weekend plans and a bit jealous, do you think you can call me <insert time here> or we could have a date <some other time that's soon> so I have something to look forward to? I miss you terribly."

Thanks for a response. I've come to lean on the forum a bit like a good friend, but I have to remember that even good friends can feel spent sometimes or wish I would act on their advice more. I always appreciate people's thoughtful comments and am encouraged to see that people are sort of following my story, persay...sometimes a perspective is most enriched with past and present (though, I welcome new commenters, too).

I had a battery of awesome (read: sucked eggs) medical tests today. However, that prevented me from skulking around the house and lurking on the computer all day (I think I need to be weaned off of using the computer so much). I just went swimming, too! Blast, it was cold (well, warm for the Pacific)...but I am feeling refreshed and a little more positive. I think I needed to hear what Zephii was saying about being sympathetic--a spoonful of sugar. (Yay! You are from B.C., too! Have you been swimming yet?). I regret that I wasn't able to get my emotions in check and just chat with him today about the one issue, instead of sending something that was truthful...but ridiculously over-dramatic in the sunlight. If anything, I guess I am kind of working against myself by making him upset or angry right before an event that I feel uncomfortable with. Not a very good bargaining or comfort position (I know that sounds rough, but I can't think of a better way to describe it right now--a little low on blood o.O.

He has sent me an email, saying "I don't yet know how I'm supposed to respond to you after this. The words have made me sick all day with a swirl of pain, guilt at not being there for you and a longing for us to embrace. In a word, I'm confused." He closes with a vow to disappear to hammer away at the piano--hey, maybe he will compose something beautiful??? Maybe? Well, I think I have made bigger problems for us than those three girls. 100% honesty about them may have to come in awhile. Or, as you say, maybe the simplest way would be to tell him about not feeling well and how blue I have been lately, which made/ makes me feel rather jealous and lonely hearing his plans....which made me reach even deeper into the recesses of what doesn't necessarily need to be discussed right now.

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm gonna try not to sound like a bitch so please excuse me if anything sounds less than polite or even sympathetic.

Lunar, flat out, a relationship is about trust. If you cannot trust his words or even his actions around the opposite sex, then you need to leave him. You're putting yourself through more stress over a guy you say has lied to you, has hidden the truth, and has changed his story numerous times than is healthy. Basically that's a toxic relationship that no amount of love in the world is going to fix. If he's a liar, he's a liar. I wouldn't call it pathological but he definitely seems like a compulsive one and that is a very, very hard habit to break and that's only if you're aware of it and willing to try and stop.

The main theme the past few discussions you've made has been seething and almost pointless jealousy which is basically the reasoning behind my initial comment. You always sound like you're practically frothing at the mouth over paranoid delusions more than anything fact-based and you let it eat at you. If it is BECAUSE of his lying habits again, leave him. You're hurting yourself and you're picking up a nasty habit along with it. Would you want to go the rest of your life wondering if he's seeing anyone or if anything he's saying has the least bit of truth to it? As for the email, that sounds a bit like he wants your sympathy more than anything to perhaps quell any anger or hurt. But I may be a tad biased at this point, I don't know.

We can only go on what you tell us and how you tell it and even then there are different interpretations. In the end all we want to do is make sure you are happy, whether or not you stay with him. It's YOU we're concerned for, not him.

[MTK]

I'm inclined to agree with LMH. Trust is so valuable in a relationship, so the moment it is lost the relationship suffers immediatly and the people affected will begin to doubt each other if it is not worked out.
From what i have read, it seems like you are really jelaous or maybe it is because that you are in a relationship with this guy that you have picked up this habit of thinking that every single women is out to get him, either way, you should find a way to deal with that so it doesn't affect you in the long run and cripples you so much that you won't be able to have a relationship without putting your SO through significant drama because you see stuff that might not be there.

[Lunar Snow]

Wow, uh...please lay off? I kind of felt like I had signed off on the topic of them, with bigger fish to fry for now. I don't want to start a war and I'm sad that I now feel uncomfortable coming to this forum. I feel like I have been described in a very unflattering light, by people who don't even know me. I am jealous, but I am not a monster about it--here, again, I thought I could be candid. Dislike and disarm the behaviour, not the person. I think, by bringing other information into this, I was trying to allude to my capability of feeling other intense emotions and not just jealousy. As for him, what I am trying to project is that he has also shown me (and not just said) very much that he is a changed person, but just like he has reasons for needing time for his feelings to grow and growing pains along the way, I need time to trust again with the growing pain of say... intensified jealousy along the way (and maybe most of it right now comes down to the pain that he doesn't feel the same way yet). Yes, in the past, the relationship was toxic, but now there are some very good and very real things that have come of our relationship.

[LadyMarchHare]

Forgive me it seems my words were interpreted wrongly. I never intended to imply what you took away from that.

[Lunar Snow]

Alright, peeps. I'm going to put the white flag out and close the thread up. (If you're curious, he and I ended up talking for almost 4 hours tonight. There were some tears over the discussion about differences in feelings and the origins of the ice wall, but I also found out that the emotions he felt from reading my email helped him to start composing for his recital after such a long block, I shared more about my health and job search anxieties and he shared more about feelings of extreme depression when I left, and we ended up cheering up more and I even brought up the trio and how he thought things went. It turns out, he actually agreed with me that he thought it was strange that L did the tennis thing, with B he thought things went well but was really anxious for everything to work out at the beginning and felt like it was a bit awkward for all at first...which surprised me...but he realized by the end that everything worked out, and...as for G, he conceded that I made an effort and that she was rude on all accounts...I'm feeling a lot less jealous now that we talked about things honestly and I even used some humour. Lots of "ands"! I couldn't help snickering...and being somewhat astounded when he revealed that L and G don't get along, because G tried to flirt with or steal one of L's past dudes! Yikes! I thought the scooby gang was tight, but it looks like B and somewhat my SO are the glue that links everyone--glad I liked B and am hopeful that she felt the same. )