Pretending ex is dead?

[ST25]

Long story short, had an LDR ex who dumped me without telling me firsthand over seven years ago (over Myspace). Had on and off friendships, but it was toxic so we just stopped speaking altogether. I'm just surprised that he can still kickstart a bout of rage I never knew I was capable of (trust me - no word can describe how much I hate that little piece of -, I hope he's miserable somewhere in a dirty hovel ). So I started to pretend that he died two years ago (from the day we stopped talking to each other). It gets to the point where I actually believe it and I would almost tell people that he's dead. Weird coping mechanism for me, but it works since I haven't gone postal yet. But if something does remind me that he's still alive, I get considerably upset or blank out.

Has anybody ever pretended their ex was dead to get over them? Trust me, I'm sane, but I just want to pretend that that part of my life with him involved never even existed. My SO gets a bit worried at times, but I tell him that it's not bothering me as long as I use this kind of coping.

[JoeyBug]

I wouldn't do it myself. (Past issues I've had that aren't really relevant) but I think so long as you're the only one you're saying that to, it's fine. Everyone copes in different ways and while I may not understand it, it doesn't make it wrong or weird or anything like that. It's not like you're telling everyone he died and making up some story to go along with it. It's just your way of coping with it.

[ThePiedPiper]

I wouldn't, but I'd be concerned if I needed to go to that extreme of a measure to be over someone or what they did to me. Seven years ago is a long time to hold on and he should not still be providing you with such an emotional charge simply because you've realised he's not dead in a ditch somewhere. If it were me, it's something I would seek counsel on and actually start working through versus lying to myself to make me feel better, because I feel like lying about it only puts a bandaid on the real issue. If it were my SO who was doing it, I would be worried too and would probably encourage them to seek therapy (or whatever form worked for them) as a way of working through the situation versus letting it sit and fester underneath a story. However, I do know people who have told themselves lie and feel better for them, but their exes present reoccurring issues and it's for that reason that I would want to actually work on the problem, not just cover it up.

[Irina_Linn]

i still dont think its too healthy.how much can you hate a person to wish his/her death? i dont think its a good way to cope with the past.you have to accept and let go,not hide behind made-up things

[Kiyama]

I wouldn't, but I'd be concerned if I needed to go to that extreme of a measure to be over someone or what they did to me. Seven years ago is a long time to hold on and he should not still be providing you with such an emotional charge simply because you've realised he's not dead in a ditch somewhere. If it were me, it's something I would seek counsel on and actually start working through versus lying to myself to make me feel better, because I feel like lying about it only puts a bandaid on the real issue. If it were my SO who was doing it, I would be worried too and would probably encourage them to seek therapy (or whatever form worked for them) as a way of working through the situation versus letting it sit and fester underneath a story. However, I do know people who have told themselves lie and feel better for them, but their exes present reoccurring issues and it's for that reason that I would want to actually work on the problem, not just cover it up.

I think Piper is right. No matter how much you loved this person and how much they hurt you, after so many years you should have been able to move on. I think you'd do yourself a big favor to finally bring it on the table, work through it properly and then get over it once and for all. It'll be liberating!

[LittleBox]

Everyone has their own coping mechanisms but I think you need to let yourself go through the healing process and detach yourself from your ex in a way that you can accept it. Its been a few long years and it leaves you rattled when something reminds that he's alive and well. Pretending he's dead is an avoidance tactic and you honestly would be better off just taking a deep breath and facing the facts. Let yourself grieve and heal naturally so that you can focus on yourself and your future. It might be hard taking the initial steps but you'll feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

The title of this really concerned me. I don't think it's healthy to be pretending your ex is dead, because it's not true. I also agree with Piper that you need to be finding a way to move on from this. Because as much as you pretend your ex is dead, he isn't, and like Commasplice said, it's an avoidance tactic rather than dealing with the issue. It's also tricky, because the only person who is going to think he's dead is you - so that information affects you, and confuses the problem. And it will worry the people around you. I understand that your ex hurt you, but you have to deal with the facts of reality, not adjust your reality to make you feel more comfortable, because that doesn't heal your issues with it, it just exacerbates them.

[ST25]

I know guys, I really need to just get over him and just accept that it's happened and it's done. But in a way, it still hurts when I think about it. What hurt more was the fact that he wanted to be friends RIGHT AFTER IT HAPPENED. I didn't give myself enough time to grieve over it and just became the friend he had before. It wasn't until we started having tension-filled fights that it just became worse and I grew more and more angry. I only figured the 'being dead' aspect could help me in knowing that what happened with him was absolutely dead and gone.

[Dezface]

I wouldn't do that because the thought of my ex being dead horrifies me.

I agree with the others in that it seems you haven't moved on. I completely get what you're saying about wanting to feel the past is 'dead and gone.' I even think it's OK that it still hurts a little when you think about it. I think it would be odd if time completely erased how we felt about everything. But pretending he's physically dead isn't healthy. What would happen if one day you ran into him? Like you said, it upsets you when you're reminded he's still alive. So you think this is working for you, but it isn't. You need to re-frame things and start focusing on the past being the past, not your ex's live or dead status. Even if he was dead, it doesn't change the things that went on between you.

[LittleBox]

I know guys, I really need to just get over him and just accept that it's happened and it's done. But in a way, it still hurts when I think about it. What hurt more was the fact that he wanted to be friends RIGHT AFTER IT HAPPENED. I didn't give myself enough time to grieve over it and just became the friend he had before. It wasn't until we started having tension-filled fights that it just became worse and I grew more and more angry. I only figured the 'being dead' aspect could help me in knowing that what happened with him was absolutely dead and gone.

My ex wanted to be friends immediately after we broke up too and it wasn't something I could handle at that point. It took a while but he realised that I was deeply hurt and he had to back off and give me my space. If he wants to remain friends with you, he'll have to respect your boundaries and let you heal. Like you said, you didn't give yourself enough time to grieve and scrambled to put him out of your mind too fast. I'd say give yourself a strong reality check and face the facts as they are. If it hurts, let it hurt. Thats part of the process. Let yourself grieve and move on rather than keeping yourself boxed up in a facade. As Biddly said the only person who will be thinking he is dead is you, which can lead to other complications/confusion.

[ThePiedPiper]

My ex wanted to be friends immediately after we broke up too and it wasn't something I could handle at that point. It took a while but he realised that I was deeply hurt and he had to back off and give me my space. If he wants to remain friends with you, he'll have to respect your boundaries and let you heal. Like you said, you didn't give yourself enough time to grieve and scrambled to put him out of your mind too fast. I'd say give yourself a strong reality check and face the facts as they are. If it hurts, let it hurt. Thats part of the process. Let yourself grieve and move on rather than keeping yourself boxed up in a facade. As Biddly said the only person who will be thinking he is dead is you, which can lead to other complications/confusion.

I agree. Eventually you're going to want to reach a point of forgiveness. I have a friend who's incapable of forgiveness. She holds on to the emotional memories of an event and so every time she remembers an event, it's completely emotionally charged. I have a hard time with it because it's something she's always struggled with and seems to be under the impression she always will, and the first step to changing something is to believe that it can be changed. However, I will say that her past haunts her as a result of this. People seem to think that forgiveness is for the other person. "Why should I forgive someone who hurt me that badly?" "Why should I forgive someone who x or y?" But in the end, forgiveness is not for them, especially since you should not be talking to your ex at this point in time. Forgiveness is for you, because forgiveness is about coming to terms with a situation, accepting that it happened, and framing it in a way that, yeah, you can hold him accountable - what he did was wrong - but you can also forgive that it happened and move on with your life without having to pretend that he's dead. The fact of the matter is that you need to allow yourself to grieve. You need to allow yourself to feel pain and anger and you need to go through that, because otherwise, it's going to continue causing problems for you. For as long as things are still emotionally charged for you, what happened isn't dead and gone. It's something you need to learn to work through, y'know? It's not healthy to be this hung up on something, but to get over it, you need to stop sweeping it under the rug and pretending you're over it and actually go through the effort to get over it. :/