How to decide if she is the one for life?

Hallo everyone,
My name is Thomas, I´m together with my girlfriend since almost 4 years. She is living in the US and I´m in Germany. We are having planes to finally end this long distance relationship what means that I move to the US but I´m afraid. I know I love her and I know that she loves me a lot. Never someone loved me that much like her, what makes me love her even more for that. But there are still some things which make me worried to make this final step.
- I´m a person who like to know where I´m getting in to but with her that is not really possible. Normally I would move with her together before I get married but like in the most cases of LDR you have to do the second step before the first. So we never lived really together which makes me worried if there are some things I can live with.
-Also I am a family person. I love my family and my three nieces. I´m am there godfather but when I´m living in the US I can hold the relationship I have with them now. I feel like I wouldn´t be a good godfather for them. I am living right now 1h away from my family and drive every 2 weeks down to see them and my old friends from kindergarten. What if I miss them too much and wanne go back but she told me she wouldn´t move to Germany bc she can´t work her and she has a lot of debt to pay.
-Also silly but a big deal for me. It is a saying "Look at the mother and you know how the daughter will look like" Well I don´t like how the mom looks at all and I´m worried that if she really goes in her direction that I´m going to cheat on her in some years. I know that sound stupid and I know that normally the character should be what matters bc I wouldn´t look the same as well and her character is... I haven´t meet a better person in my life. But I working out 4 times a week, sport is very important for me but she doesn´t really do sport. I would like that she is more active but if I tell her do more sport bc she feels fat sometimes I tell her you look good but do some more sport. But she never really does it.

Also she has really big hips which I don´t like but I hate myself for being so superficial. She looks great not like my dream girl but I´m not sure that the commercial influenced me so much that I´m looking for too good looking girls.
If i´m with her we are having a great time and I´m glad to have her but sometimes I catch myself looking after girls which looking a little bit better than her in my eye.

So at the end I know I love her and she is the first women I would marry but I´m not sure if I love her enough to make this final step and give up my family, my friends, my security my country gives me: health insurance, good paid job and take care about me after I retiree.

Any help, recommendations how I find out if she is the one for the rest of my life?

Thomas

[ThePiedPiper]

You don't need to post the same thread twice, for future reference. People will read and respond regardless of where you post.

In my opinion, doubts are normal, but you have to decide if these are doubts or dealbreakers. It sounds like you care about her a lot but on the basis of complaining about how unattracted you are to her, how your eye wanders when you're with her, and how you aren't sure you "love her enough" to move to the States... Eh. Most people say they aren't sure how they can move to a different country and leave everything they know behind. Love does not factor into that equation for most people, at least from what I've seen that has been posted. It might simply be that you're just not that attracted to this woman and need to deal with it. Unfortunately, sometimes you can't force yourself to be attracted to even the nicest person, and if you're already thinking about/anticipating cheating on her, then this relationship probably is not going to work long term.

[libelle]

I agree with the above post

I think it will be easier if you tried to picture your life in 10 years, without her. What would you do? What would make you happy? Would you still think of her or would you have moved on? If you stayed with her, the faults you mentioned, would you have learned to love them or would they be too much? Because out of all doubts you mentioned, the last one is the only one to bring real worries - if you love the person and feel they are the one, everything can be overcome together, problems with family and friends, homesickness, problems with the job.. But if the problem lies within your girl, or rather within your unfulfilled dreams/ expectations (which you are somewhat indicating from now) then it is not something she could fix.

Also what i thought of, do you find other people attractive because of their bodies only, or faces and other characteristics? Cause if it is only the body and it is so important to you, it can be fixed with some effort.. I don't know how with other people here is, but for me my SO is the most attractive man I have ever seen .. Maybe other ones can share if it is as a natural thing to come with love or I am just lucky to have it clicked?

Be honest with yourself and don't do anything because you feel forced to, doesn't matter if its from her side or because "it is supposed to be so". After all, it is better that you realised she is not the one and moved on now, than figuring that out after you moved in the US and having to go through divorce etc, or worse - cheating on her .. You are now deciding not only your fate. Maybe you love her, but if you don't think you love her enough, and you aren't an egoist, then let her go - for long term, this will logically provide both of you peace and a more promising future. Good luck!

[Kristin91]

I don't want to sound harsh, but if you don't like the way she looks and you can't see yourself being faithful in years to come then she doesn't deserve you. As ThePiedPiper said, "not loving her enough" shouldn't factor into the equation of whether or not you should move to be with her. When it comes time for LDRs to close the distance it takes compromise on both parties, and it doesn't sound like either of you are willing to compromise. Also, just my two cents, you should love her the way she looks no matter what. I mean, it's fine to suggest that she work out or play sports with you, but if she doesn't want to you can't make her.

[Adora]

It is a saying "Look at the mother and you know how the daughter will look like" Well I don´t like how the mom looks at all and I´m worried that if she really goes in her direction that I´m going to cheat on her in some years.

Also she has really big hips which I don´t like but I hate myself for being so superficial. She looks great not like my dream girl

All I can say dude is WOW!!! Maybe this chica's not the one for you if you already considering cheating on her and her big hips??? Seriously

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I agree with Kristin and Piper.

You are sending up red flags about this relationship already, and it's not as if you're already married. You're doubting that you'll be faithful to her, you doubt you love her enough to leave your family, you're very critical about the way she looks... I think that's enough basis to say that you shouldn't marry her. At least not right now. I don't think you're mature enough to commit to that kind of relationship. I respect that you're mature enough to recognise that there are a number of doubts that you have about this relationship, that may make or break it, and I think you're being very brave to admit that.

But, I would say that in order to leave your family and stay faithful regardless of finding some things about her unattractive, you'd have to be sure that you loved her enough to do those things. And as you're not sure you DO love her enough to do those things... I think that's the deal breaker here.

Another thing that worries me is that you're placing your family as a higher priority than her, and while I believe that family should be high priority, I think that the woman you eventually marry should be equally as important to you as your family - because she will become your family, if you have children, they will become your family, her family will become part of your family. And if you don't love her enough that you feel willing to make her that important in your life, she's probably not the right girl, or it's just not the right time for marriage.

[TwoThree]

If my man had this kind of thoughts about me, I honestly wouldn't want him to be with me.

And to me, you have to be 100% sure of your feelings in order to uproot your life and move to the other person's country. If you aren't, that can't end well.

[LadyDaemon]

Well,I'll be brutally honest. The fact that you're finding it hard to get past her appearance is a bit shallow. And begs the question,why did you begin dating her to begin with if her appearance is a problem? One of the biggest parts of a relationship is the attraction factor. Don't get me wrong,appearance/sexual attraction etc. is not what it's all about all of the time. The person you're with can be the most awesome,kind,intelligent human being you've ever met,but if there's not really that much of an attraction then why carry on a relationship with her? You should have that spark in every aspect of your relationship.

Also,like someone else said,LDRs when it comes time to make the big moves are a lot of sacrifice,compromise and give & take. And if that means either you have to move to her or her move to you to make it work then that's what you have to do. If neither of you are willing to do such things then I hate to say it but it may be time to put an end to it.

As for the being afraid of "not loving her enough". Shouldn't even be a thought in your head. When you truly love someone there is no inability to love her enough. If you even have to question the amount of love you have for her then that's a major red flag and says that maybe you shouldn't be with her. She deserves someone who loves her unconditionally just as much as you do. The reality of it is that sometimes loving someones personality is not enough. If you can't say to yourself "I love this woman with my heart & soul and everything about her with no doubt or reservation" then she's the one. If you can't and you have doubt then I think it's time to move along.

[Hollandia]

The first part you stated about getting married first makes sense to me, it is a leap of faith. Could you try staying with her for a few months at a time before you marry? Me and my SO are living together about 3 months at a time. I think this has been a great experience for our relationship and taught us how it will be like when we marry.

The other parts of this are very disconcerting. I agree with the others. When you truly and deeply love someone, they are your soulmate. I don't care if my SO loses his hair or gets disfigured or loses a limb. I love him no matter what. I would never think of cheating on him. I did not need to inspect his mom's dad old pictures for hair loss. These all sound very superficial. Some people are more so than others, but I think when you meet the right one, you truly won't care.

I have had the argument in my own mind about leaving my country and all my connections here. I am afraid too. It sounded exotic at first but now it really is starting to get scary. I don't think I will be willing to close the distance until we marry and we will only do that for us, when we want to be married. It does not sound like you are ready for that step and marrying only to close the distance sounds like a hornet's nest hanging over your head waiting to fall at any given time. Have you asked her to marry you yet? That should be a very special moment when it happens for both of you.

[Jazi]

If my man had this kind of thoughts about me, I honestly wouldn't want him to be with me.

this is all I could think whilst reading his post ^^^

If my SO was thinking these things about me (providing I knew about it) *I* would probably end it with him. You don't sound like you're truly in love with her.. even the thread title "how to decide if she is the one for life?" before I even opened the thread the world 'decide' had me questioning your commitment and love in your relationship. To me it isn't a 'decision' to spend the rest of my life with my SO, it is a KNOWING.. I can't picture my life without him. Once I felt like I wanted to spend my life with him, that was it, there was no 'decision' on that, only decisions to be made on the smaller things like how we were going to close the distance.

I think you need to end things with her, you're not being fair to her thinking about cheating in the future.. that is so unacceptable to me it's not funny. I also don't think it's ok to be so critical of her looks but you might be someone who looks are VERY important to, in that case why did you ever start a relationship with her? move on and find someone you are completely happy with.. and if you EVER have thoughts of wanting to cheat on the next girl then you probably should end the relationship sooner than later.

[Tooki]

You have to end things with her. I don't see your physical attraction issues changing any time soon (there isn't any guarantee that they will go away if she did lose weight as well). She probably doesn't deserve to be cheated on either. End it for her sake.

[aniay]

Being for ten years 'the wife' of person who wasn't atracted to ME me, and when I gained few kilos been told repeatedly I'm repulsive, (And I don't look like my mum at all) I ask you to not do it to her. If you can't accept her as she is right now, the longer you are with her the more annoying this will become for you.

I learned that love is when you can't imagine not being with this person. Not because you are afraid you will never find anyone else, or because you got used to it. You want to be with that person because it's THE ONE, with everything, goods, bads... You don't need to like the bads but you have to love them.

In my opinion, ask yourself why you are still with this girl, there are lot of nice people around, and most deff there are still nice girls around. And being honest she doesn't seem all that special to you.

Not every LDR have to end with happy ending. Good luck.