"Well, why doesn't he give you money to move?" Pondering a question I find offensive

[wonderlandless]

So, after ups and downs and a lot of planning I am finally closing the distance in about a month or so. The planning has been difficult, especially trying to scrounge up money given his city is larger/more expensive than mine. The thing is, when I tell people I am moving and working a lot and saving up a lot of people ask me "Why doesn't he give you money/help with rent/find a place for you?" This really upsets and offends me! He has been helpful in giving me advice on places to live in the city, how to much things will cost and average (I've visited several times so I have an idea), has gone with me to apartment viewings and things like that, but I would never dream of asking him to help me out financially!

Am I wrong to feel people are rude for assuming he's a jerk or doesn't really care about me because he's not giving me money to help me move? Why do people assume he should foot the bill when I decided to move and chose the date for me? Has anyone ever said that to you and how did you handle it?

[Verojoon]

Just recently I had a similar experience and I'm afraid I maybe didn't handle it very gracefully...

I had finished mentioning how I nearly got all my utilities cut off but I finally found some work and so things should be okay, then I mentioned something about the boyfriend. I was told: "So if there is a boyfriend in your life, then why isn't he helping you with your utility bills? I don't get that. If you are in danger of having your electric shut off I would hope he would step up and help you (and your kids) out." To which I answered: "I am a grown woman with my own responsibilities. It is not up to someone else to pay for my bills. He would have stepped up and done what he could to help if I asked him, but I've refused his help each time he's offered it before. It is not his responsibility. He doesn't live here, he has his own bills to pay and already has his mother to support... What if he couldn't pay his bills? Would I be expected to support him or is that a double standard because he's a man and I'm a woman?"

Seriously, who pays for what is no one' business, but if it matters to you what these people think try to explain that you are a responsible, independent woman capable of taking care of yourself, and that this is something that defines YOU not your SO...

[LadyDaemon]

I would personally find it offensive. I've had this same statement made to me. It pisses me off royally at times. It's not my fiances job to finance MY travel and it doesn't make him a jerk or mean he doesn't care or love me. The same for your SO. If we were BOTH relocating to another place then I would ask that he help in the way of pitching in for rent and other bills. But for travel expenses to get there I believe that is up to me to cover. But that is just how I look at it. I don't like being dependent on others to pay anything for me. The only exception to this was he has paid for my ticket (as a surprise) to move out there in June,but this was only because he wanted to in return for my having paid for his tickets the last time he visited. Which I had no problem with but he doesn't like feeling like a mooch lol. Anyway,I would really just shrug it off. It's no one elses business but yours and your boyfriends.

[Mellow]

I don't think you are wrong for feeling that way. Not at all. It seems that those people are trying to help you, but maybe this is not the right way. I personally believe they are just worried about you and knowing that he supports you financially might make them feel more at ease. Even though it's not a pleasure to hear the things they say, they probably don't say those things to make you feel upset. They are just trying to help.
My advice would be, raise your head and don't let it drive you crazy. From what I hear, you are an independent person who is able to take care of herself. I believe that you'll be fine if you move there. I think it will pass.
I've never experience something like this with my SO. Thats due the fact I'm in quite a different situation then you are. Though, whenever I offer to pay for the travel expenses and other stuff, he refuses. In a way, he's independent like you. Standing on his own feet. It's the offer of helping out that he appreciates.

[SquishyLove]

This is one of those things people think there's a right or wrong for, when there isn't. My husband did help me some financially, because he was able to, but I didn't ask him to. He offered to help because my financial situation at the time wasn't good. If he'd been unable to help, I'd have understood. I think it's some antiquated thinking from older times, because you never hear people tell guys that their girlfriends should pay for their travel or living expenses. It's like we're helpless, little wimmins who need a big mayun to save us. That's the biggest reason I find it offensive. I always refuse to talk about money with other people, because people by and large tend to be judgmental jerks. :P

[Verojoon]

people by and large tend to be judgmental jerks. :P

^ THIS!

[Jazi]

I guess I see it a lot differently.. Closing the distance to me is because you want to LIVE with them, I would be at the point of wanting to share finances by the time we closed the distance and I also would be wanting to live with my partner..

I feel like it's quite normal for people to assume that you're at the stage of finance sharing/living together when you're 'closing the distance', it's not about thinking he a jerk because he isn't "giving" you money - it's more probably the fact that people think of you as a couple and a lot of couples consider their money fluid.. You guys seem to be living quite independently right now which is completely fine! I have a ton of respect for people who like to be self sufficient.. but I do think you shouldn't be so offended by people asking these questions - they're not being rude, they're just curious and wondering how your couple dynamics work - to people who share finances/live with their spouses or have those kind of ideals it seems completely acceptable to share money.. they're just asking

[Tooki]

I also think that it's excessive to get annoyed at people for asking things like why your partner isn't helping pay your bills if you're in a tight situation (How the hell do they know if you get help from your SO or not?)

Like Jazi said, I would assume that one is ready to handle joint responsibilities if they are willing to close the distance (The same thing happens when CD couples move into together as well). I don't see it as offensive either, I see it as harmless curiosity.

[digitalfever]

I also think that it's excessive to get annoyed at people for asking things like why your partner isn't helping pay your bills if you're in a tight situation (How the hell do they know if you get help from your SO or not?)

Like Jazi said, I would assume that one is ready to handle joint responsibilities if they are willing to close the distance (The same thing happens when CD couples move into together as well). I don't see it as offensive either, I see it as harmless curiosity.

I agree with Jazi and Tooki on this one.

Relationships are mutually supportive and therefore the assumption is that if you’ve decided to start and build a life together both of you are handling the financial responsibility.
For example, my boyfriend helps me. He knows I don’t make as much as him right now and he goes out of his way to know that I’m OK. If he were in the same situation, I’d jump in and do the same. People aren’t saying “Well..., why isn’t he shacking you up in a huge mansion!?” They’re asking a question that I think is relevant. If you’re moving to be with someone it isn’t your sole responsibility to cover the costs of building a life together.

This is something really small to be offended about. I'd just pick a response and move on.

[JoeyBug]

I've had a similar situation. "Why doesn't he pay for you to visit him?" is the usual one. Well a) It's not something we wanted to do, b) None of your damn buisness and C) I couldn't fly anyway. I don't usually get offended, mostly just annoyed that people think it's okay to dictate how my realtionship shoul dgo despite not knowing me or him very well!

Apologises for any mistakes, my brain issue is causing problems with my eyes

[lucybelle]

When my SO moved in with me, I didn't pay for his plane ticket. I would not support him. But I did help him. He moved internationally to be with me and that meant he couldn't get a job. I think it would have been inconsiderate on my part to tell him I would be charging him rent, utilities, food, gas, etc when he moved to be with me and couldn't get a job.

I guess I don't know why you think people who assume your SO will help you move are offensive. Maybe if they were calling him a lazy scum bag because of it, it would be mean. But if they just think it would be nice for him to contribute, I don't get what's wrong.

[I&A]

I think this people is just worried about you. I don't see it wrong if he has the money to help you and if he wants to, but I also don't think is wrong if you want to be an independent girl , just saying. In this new world where feminism is on fashion, I think we women and men should find a balance. Don't over react with this old-fashioned ideas, just say: no thank you, I don't need any help right now. (so sorry for my bad english)

[differentcountries]

I've had a similar situation. "Why doesn't he pay for you to visit him?" is the usual one. Well a) It's not something we wanted to do, b) None of your damn buisness and C) I couldn't fly anyway. I don't usually get offended, mostly just annoyed that people think it's okay to dictate how my realtionship shoul dgo despite not knowing me or him very well!

Apologises for any mistakes, my brain issue is causing problems with my eyes

I don't really se why questions are offensive. Attitudes maybe, but not plain questioans. I am totally paying for whatever expenses my boyfriend is having to visit me, as far as i can, because he can't possably afford it (I know how much he earns). I have to provide skill, because, there are a number of reasons why this might not be ok; we have only just met, we are not married, we are not planning of moving togheter any time soon, he is an independant person and so I am, and so on and so forth.

I think people can ask pretty much any question they want. But the answers are my own, and I do not reveal information I find to private. If provoked, I might avoid adressing the question at all (this happens only rarely...but someone once asked the gender of my husband and that was not a question I wanted to answer in that context).

If you are scared to fly, that is totally ok. Many people are a tinsly bit scared to fly, some more than others. We do not know forehand who they are. And anxieties and phobias go, they are not always easy to share. This is an uppertunity to say something informative, like; do you know what? I prefer to take so and so public communitation to flying. That is the best decition for me know. If you have a hard time respecting that, I can come back for you advice at a later point in life, but not now, I have all the advice I need thank you.

But please... do not get angry at questioners in general. Some of us are just curious, some willing to help (not sensing that that can be intrusive to some), and getting angry at the others does not really help the situation. Take the uppertunity to actually discuss how things can be done best, weather or not you include others than you SO in the planning.

[Yaaamiii]

I guess I see it a lot differently.. Closing the distance to me is because you want to LIVE with them, I would be at the point of wanting to share finances by the time we closed the distance and I also would be wanting to live with my partner..

I feel like it's quite normal for people to assume that you're at the stage of finance sharing/living together when you're 'closing the distance', it's not about thinking he a jerk because he isn't "giving" you money - it's more probably the fact that people think of you as a couple and a lot of couples consider their money fluid.. You guys seem to be living quite independently right now which is completely fine! I have a ton of respect for people who like to be self sufficient.. but I do think you shouldn't be so offended by people asking these questions - they're not being rude, they're just curious and wondering how your couple dynamics work - to people who share finances/live with their spouses or have those kind of ideals it seems completely acceptable to share money.. they're just asking

^This. And everyone else who agreed with it. I was starting to second guess myself until I read someone else thought the same thing as me. I don't see why the questions would be offensive, just the attitudes. If I'm closing the distance with my SO, I think its fair that we share the cost of the bills, and vice versa. Unless your SO is not doing so hot financially, which is my case, and my SO helps me out a lot. I don't ask him, he just offers. Sometimes I accept his help and other times I don't. But if we're closing the distance, we better be sharing the cost of it, no matter who moves where. :P

[Phantomrose]

My mother has this view, it seems, at least when it comes to travel. My SO is currently unemployed and has been looking for a job for about two years now. He is on a job seeker's allowance, but sometimes I send him some money just to help out. I have also payed for his plane ticket to come visit me once, because of his financial situation, and my mother did not agree with it, saying that he should have paid for his own ticket, etc. Well, I just want to help him out, and I want to support him while he is in this situation. When he did have a job, he did help me out a bit. I guess I feel that my husband and I are equal, and that money doesn't really matter to me. I will help in what ever way I can, until he finds a job, or when I apply for his green card, and goes looking for one in the US. The plus side is, my father said there are positions at his workplace that would most likely need my husband, so he would be covered here.