Overcoming Emotional Scarring/ Insecurities

[rivka87]

Hi All,

This is why I joined this group. I am very lucky to have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and has become quite the pro at verbal reassurance. We just began a year of long distance due to work (him) and school (me). It's even in manageable chunks: 3 weeks now, 2 weeks together, bi-weekly visits while we're 6 hours apart, another 2 weeks... and then I move to the Middle East for a year to study and be with my family while he completes the last 2-3 months of his job. He plans to come to me in January or February. At this point we can talk a few times a week and it isn't so bad. Except I have some major issues that are coming up. Specifically, fears of abandonment that manifest in a fear of him forgetting about me (like to call, etc) and a fear of him changing his mind about me. We are very committed, have talked about living together after the distance, met parents, parents are meeting each other. But I still have these HUGE fears. I had a rough time growing up that gave me these fears, and I really want to get over them. He has earned my trust and faith, and I want to give it to him completely. How do I go about this? Anyone else worked through these issues in their LDR?

[digitalfever]

I think you need to learn that sometimes people will fail you and expect him yo not only live up to his word and in doing this learning to forgive him and not project your personal insecurities onto him. How do you do that? Well I'd suggest challenging your irrational fears. Tell yourself what you need to hear and if it helps take a moment to breath. It may sound stupid or even silly but you have to learn how to challenge yourself and talk yourself down.

[JoeyBug]

I think you need to learn that sometimes people will fail you and expect him yo not only live up to his word and in doing this learning to forgive him and not project your personal insecurities onto him. How do you do that? Well I'd suggest challenging your irrational fears. Tell yourself what you need to hear and if it helps take a moment to breath. It may sound stupid or even silly but you have to learn how to challenge yourself and talk yourself down.

^^ This is really good advice.

I have/had a similar problem. My last few relationships ended badly and I worried for a long time that Scott would bore of me and leave, but he's shown me over the past few years that he's in it for the long haul and I've learnt to trust him. Communication is key, allow a margain of eror (like forgetting to call a frew times) and expect it to happen, but communcate and TELL your SO about your worries. This will help you.

Apologises for any mistakes, my brain issue is causing problems with my eyes

[80anthea]

my ex husband treated me badly and in the end cheated on me. Getting into any relationship terrified me but this one just sort of snuck up on me. Honesty is definitely ths key, I've told my so exactly what happened with my ex and I tell him when I'm having a moment.

[Ahava]

I have had the same fears too. My current boyfriend has shown me through his actions through time that I can trust him and have learnt to. I still have the occational thought that what if he gets bored of me, stops liking me. But luckily thanks to him I feel quite secure in this relationship. The best thing ever is to be able to be yourself without having to try to be better/something else and to be loved unconditionally
I have had bad experiences in the past, for instance with my ex.

And btw welcome to LFAD Rivka!

[Kristin91]

I think you need to learn that sometimes people will fail you and expect him yo not only live up to his word and in doing this learning to forgive him and not project your personal insecurities onto him. How do you do that? Well I'd suggest challenging your irrational fears. Tell yourself what you need to hear and if it helps take a moment to breath. It may sound stupid or even silly but you have to learn how to challenge yourself and talk yourself down.

To expand on this a bit... It will take a while and you won't be able to talk yourself down at first, but keep trying. I had a bad experience with my ex that still troubles me (and I've been dating my current SO for over 2 1/2 years), but it's gotten to the point where I can generally talk myself out of having bad thoughts. Tell your SO when you're experiencing these feelings too, he'll be able to help by guiding your thoughts a bit, and eventually you can use those words to calm yourself down.

Good luck and welcome to the forums rivka!