I ended things last night with my SO in a tearful break up.
I didn't want to do it, but after reading many stories here and thinking about our relationship, I realized I had to set foot in reality. Our distance may be 6000 miles now but starting next year it will change to 11000 miles or more (once I move back to Macau). It'll be extremely hard to meet because of the flight costs and the time difference is crazy (12/13 hours). I would be ok with this if it was temporary, despite my need for physical contact, but the thing is... this can last forever.
I explained to my SO how I couldn't live in his country as my mom only has me and I need to be close to her, to take care of her when the time comes and my mom is a sick person. If it was anywhere in Asia, it would be fine but he's way over in South America... So he told me, he was willing to come live with me in Macau and I was happy to hear that, though worried because I know he would suffer having to leave his family and friends. That, however, couldn't be in less that 5 years since his scholarship made him work a couple of years after finishing his studies. Just recently I realized how difficult it would be for him to live in Macau. Spanish is practically useless in Macau, only those who spoke really well Cantonese, English and Portuguese would be able to move there. My SO speaks English but his English is weak and he commits many mistakes so there was no way he could be an English instructor or get a job which relied on only English. Almost no one is interest to learn Spanish so that's out of the question too as the schools in Macau are not looking for such teachers. I say this because my SO is studying education... If he came flying blinding to Macau jobless he would have a VERY hard time finding a job as it is already difficult for those who don't speak Cantonese.
Then the closing the distance issue... the visas and whatnot. It would be hard for him to move to Macau without thinking about the jobs already. I were together for almost a year and at the time when we started I found out that he had to stay in his country for at least 6 years, 5 years now. That is a long time to wait and I'm an impatient person, but I thought my SO was worth it so I waited and held onto the hope of us meeting and then closing the distance. But closing the distance seems far from being possible now. It's not impossible but real close to that. The way I see it, it may very well take 7 to 8 years from now, even more, if we could actually find a way to close the distance. He's 27 and I'm going to be 23 next month... we'd be in our thirties and still in a LDR. I don't think I could handle it.
I tried looking for solutions, investigating on the internet but I'm coming empty-handed. It's not a matter of not having feelings for my SO but I do, but this is overwhelming me. If left to my SO to decide he would be alright with the long distance even if took many decades... but I can't take that. I wish there was an easier way. I wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish I didn't have to feel this weak.
I've met my SO and he was the best thing I could ask for. He's just... perfect. He cherishes me so much, he has a perfect family, great friends... when I think about it, I don't want to ruin that by being selfish. It was so hard to let him go yesterday night and I couldn't stop crying but I felt it's something I needed to do. He told me he still loved me and respected my decision and I felt pathetic apologizing so much. Both of us felt at fault and even tried to lighten the mood to make the other feel better even through tears. It was one of the hardest things I had to do in my entire life... letting go of someone so precious to me.
I know we'll still talk and be friends (as I know my SO, my now ex, well) but I feel I need the space in order to get over him... My brain tells me I needed to do it, that our feelings for each other alone couldn't make reality happen. Yet, why do I feel I did something so wrong... I still want to be with him but this love is impossible...
I didn't want to do it, but after reading many stories here and thinking about our relationship, I realized I had to set foot in reality. Our distance may be 6000 miles now but starting next year it will change to 11000 miles or more (once I move back to Macau). It'll be extremely hard to meet because of the flight costs and the time difference is crazy (12/13 hours). I would be ok with this if it was temporary, despite my need for physical contact, but the thing is... this can last forever.
I explained to my SO how I couldn't live in his country as my mom only has me and I need to be close to her, to take care of her when the time comes and my mom is a sick person. If it was anywhere in Asia, it would be fine but he's way over in South America... So he told me, he was willing to come live with me in Macau and I was happy to hear that, though worried because I know he would suffer having to leave his family and friends. That, however, couldn't be in less that 5 years since his scholarship made him work a couple of years after finishing his studies. Just recently I realized how difficult it would be for him to live in Macau. Spanish is practically useless in Macau, only those who spoke really well Cantonese, English and Portuguese would be able to move there. My SO speaks English but his English is weak and he commits many mistakes so there was no way he could be an English instructor or get a job which relied on only English. Almost no one is interest to learn Spanish so that's out of the question too as the schools in Macau are not looking for such teachers. I say this because my SO is studying education... If he came flying blinding to Macau jobless he would have a VERY hard time finding a job as it is already difficult for those who don't speak Cantonese.
Then the closing the distance issue... the visas and whatnot. It would be hard for him to move to Macau without thinking about the jobs already. I were together for almost a year and at the time when we started I found out that he had to stay in his country for at least 6 years, 5 years now. That is a long time to wait and I'm an impatient person, but I thought my SO was worth it so I waited and held onto the hope of us meeting and then closing the distance. But closing the distance seems far from being possible now. It's not impossible but real close to that. The way I see it, it may very well take 7 to 8 years from now, even more, if we could actually find a way to close the distance. He's 27 and I'm going to be 23 next month... we'd be in our thirties and still in a LDR. I don't think I could handle it.
I tried looking for solutions, investigating on the internet but I'm coming empty-handed. It's not a matter of not having feelings for my SO but I do, but this is overwhelming me. If left to my SO to decide he would be alright with the long distance even if took many decades... but I can't take that. I wish there was an easier way. I wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish I didn't have to feel this weak.
I've met my SO and he was the best thing I could ask for. He's just... perfect. He cherishes me so much, he has a perfect family, great friends... when I think about it, I don't want to ruin that by being selfish. It was so hard to let him go yesterday night and I couldn't stop crying but I felt it's something I needed to do. He told me he still loved me and respected my decision and I felt pathetic apologizing so much. Both of us felt at fault and even tried to lighten the mood to make the other feel better even through tears. It was one of the hardest things I had to do in my entire life... letting go of someone so precious to me.
I know we'll still talk and be friends (as I know my SO, my now ex, well) but I feel I need the space in order to get over him... My brain tells me I needed to do it, that our feelings for each other alone couldn't make reality happen. Yet, why do I feel I did something so wrong... I still want to be with him but this love is impossible...
You may find it the logical solution to break it off now because you are troubled and sad, but think - are you going to be happy without him in your life? Will you be able to build a new life in your home land, while still having the feelings you have? 
Hope you come up with a solution that makes you happy 
Comment