Ignorance is bliss?

[lucybelle]

My SO came home yesterday to tell me that his cousin called and asked him to his bachelor party. He told my SO in advance so he could come up with an excuse to tell me, ie- so he could come up with a lie. Of course my SO didn't lie he just said he was going and if I was okay with it. Which I am. Sure it makes me a little uncomfortable, but it's just strippers. Plus it's not even my SO's bachelor party so he won't be the center of attention.

This made me think- is it really better to be ignorant of these things? Is that what some couples prefer? To me it just seems like building a relationship on lies and deceit.

[lademoiselle]

Bah, the truth may be hard to hear sometimes but I'd rather know it. The problem I have with sayings like "ignorance is bliss" and "what you don't know won't hurt you" is that there are instances in which doesn't work like that at all. What you don't know can hurt you - but you won't see it coming. (I'm not saying any of this with your specific situation in mind, by the way!). I prefer to live by the saying "the truth will set you free" for those reasons.

[snow_girl]

I told my SO when i got a face full of boob with work mates and I'm sure he'd tell me the same. I don't see what good it is lying about things like that unless you feel you have something to hide or might be tempted? One of my bosses that was at the strip club with us kept telling everyone not to post about it on fb because his girlfriend would be really angry. Even though whenever a girl came up and asked if he'd like a dance he'd turn them down. He said the last time she found out they had gone there she didn't talk to him for three days whichi I think is ridiculous because we acted like it was no more then a night club....except there was a half naked dancer on a pole...which isn't do different to a night club really with the shit some girls wear.

I don't see the point in lying I guess unless it was my bosses case where it would just cause a lot less stress then confess to something that really wasn't a big deal. I think sometimes it's better to omit the truth then to always be 100% truthful and cause trouble when it doesn't seem necessary.

[nicole]

In cases like this I'd prefer my SO being honest with me. For him to go and then find out from one of his friends would make the whole thing sound a lot shadier then it probably was. And I don't like looking like a fool in front of people. My SO has kept things from me in the past and I can tell you, I prefer him being honest from the start, then for him to back track and have to admit he'd lied to me. It makes me think what else he's telling "white lies" about. Better be honest from the get-go, then it's done and doesn't drag any situations out that don't have to be.

[aniay]

I'd be jealous, yes. My SO is someone I feel really posesive about BUT I'd tell him to go there and enjoy it.

I know that forbiding anything is not a way to keep a guy. I trust him, I know he wouldn't go to strip club if I said I'm not comfortable with him going, but at the same time I don't think he would be comfortable with me going to places like that but he would tell me to go and enjoy.

I think it's about trust. If a girl forbids a guy to go into places like that they are more likely to not tell her later ergo lack of trust means lack of truth.

[Kristin91]

I wouldn't want my SO to lie to me about it. We built our relationship on 100% honesty and that was a huge part in making both of us feel comfortable with each other at the beginning- I wouldn't want that to change now that we've been together for a while. But back to the question- I don't think it's better to be ignorant. He tells me about all those kinds of things. Besides what would happen if it got brought up in conversation... "This is like that time at So-and-so's Bachelor(ette) party. Oh oops I wasn't supposed to mention that..." ? It always seems to me that lies get brought back up (even years down the road). It's just better to be honest. You have a good guy there lucybelle!

[Jazi]

In cases like this I'd prefer my SO being honest with me. For him to go and then find out from one of his friends would make the whole thing sound a lot shadier then it probably was. And I don't like looking like a fool in front of people. My SO has kept things from me in the past and I can tell you, I prefer him being honest from the start, then for him to back track and have to admit he'd lied to me. It makes me think what else he's telling "white lies" about. Better be honest from the get-go, then it's done and doesn't drag any situations out that don't have to be.

I agree with nicole ^

If my SO lied to me about something like that then it would seem really dodgy.. like he wanted to go behind my back and get lapdances, etc - It would give me the hebe jebes to find out he would have done something like that. Though on the other hand if he came to me and we discussed it first I wouldn't feel completely comfortable given the situation.. but I would have much more reason to trust him because he has been upfront with me.

I also think that a guy shouldn't go to a strip club if he wasn't happy for his girlfriend/fiancee/wife to do the same, tit for tat.. it's only fair. If he isn't comfortable with the idea of you going then he shouldn't be attending something like that himself.. Did you discuss what would happen if the roles were reversed, LB?

[libelle]

I agree with Jazi, one in relationship shouldn't do something the other one isn't comfortable with. If you don't like it tell him, and be straight forward - he should respect your feelings and ask himself, would he like it if you went to a bachelorette party full of male strippers? Also the cousin is an asshole, a person should treat the other person the way he wants to be treated, not go behind eachother's back, especially in touchy situations like those ... pfft.

Sorry if its too subjective but to me the whole idea of a bachelor/ette/ party with strippers is so disgusting. It can be organised in plenty of ways that don't include halfnaked men/women grinding against your SO. I don't think a person desiring such type of a party is quite ready for a committed relationship. I would find it utterly insulting and a terrible beginning of our life as a married couple if my SO wanted such a thing for himself.

[Black_Halloween]

I wouldn't want my SO to lie to me about it but I wouldn't be too happy about him going either. Though I don't think my SO would be caught dead in one of those places anyway.

[ST25]

There are some things that can be worth knowing, and other things that are better not to be known, in my relationship's case. For us, there are just some things that won't really matter in the long run, since our mindsets run on the same track. I can't really say that I would hold him back from going to a bachelor party just because I felt uncomfortable about it. I mean, it's a bachelor's party for cripe's sake, of course there's going to be the possibility of strippers and a bit of raunchy behavior! :P It all goes down to trust, really but it also counts on how you both think about the situation. Me? I wouldn't be too bothered if he didn't tell me because - meh.

[redapple]

Ignorance is bliss is a difficult concept. In your case, it's strip club, the chance of your SO cheating is probably smaller than a standard club. I'm
Not saying he'd cheat at either but at a strip club the girls are at work, not looking for action! Of course he's going to find some of them sexually attractive, but in my mind no more than porn. I'm not the only girl my SO has found attactive or will find attractive BUT im the only girl he chose to settle with!

However I do feel there are some situations that SO's do not need to know about. I've never cheated on my SO but I think his philosophy toward cheating is relevant here; he says "if you cheat and it means nothing to you, and is just a mistake/error of judgement/purely physical thing when drunk etc, and you still want to be with me and you love me and only me then DON'T tell me about it. If it means nothing to you then the only reason you would tell me is to make yourself feel better and wont help our relationship" Took me ages to get my head around but I understand him now! I actually would like to know if he ever messes up but I understand his philosophy. Just food for thought!

[Goyangi]

"Not sharing" in a relationship, to me, implies that there is a lack of trust and/or understanding. Basically, if there's even a brief moment of, "I wonder if my SO would be _____ about _____" then I would inform my SO of my thinking process/want to be informed by my SO's thinking process. I think "ignorance is bliss" just creates too much room for misunderstanding.

[Verojoon]

Off the top of my head, the only situation where I think "ignorance is bliss" is a case like the one another poster once made about sexual dreams upsetting her partner... I'm sure there are other situation in this type of gray area but I can't think of any.

If my SO planned to go to a strip club (he's never been so far... They don't have them in his home country and he hasn't been in the 3 years since he's been in the US... but as he's making more friends and hanging out outside the house more, I think it's bound to happen...) I would like to think he'd feel comfortable telling me even if it would make me a little uncomfortable (though by no means upset)... If he didn't tell me, it wouldn't be the end of the world either as long as I didn't ask him where he was and he blatantly lied. I don't need him to report everywhere he goes, but I do like knowing (since it makes me feel closer to him...)

[ThePiedPiper]

I would want to know if it were something like the OPer mentioned. I would want to know if it were something like being cheated on. I would want to know if it were something that could potentially hurt me. However, I'm not going to count it as deceit or a lie if he doesn't tell me if a girl hits on him, flirts with him, or makes eyes at him. He should be adult enough to handle that situation and I'm adult enough to trust him.

[chizatlauren]

I just want to share this thing that happened to me:

My SO is really honest, like REALLY, BRUTALLY honest and when he had a stalker and she kept on tailing him, he kept on telling me about every single detail of it. I became jealous because I wasn't there with him, so I just told him that whatever his stalker does, just don't tell me about it. Then one day, he was crying on Skype and I really noticed that he's upset. I asked him why and he said: "You told me I shouldn't tell you about my stalker, but I can't hold it in anymore. She follows me wherever I go and she kissed me, twice. Even if I push her away."

That day, I regretted the fact that I tried to be ignorant of situations like this. I even allow my SO to go to strip clubs with his friends, because I know he will truly be honest and know his limitations now. I'd rather know the truth than let him cry in grief for not telling me what's happening to him.