advice please?

[elliemay]

Hello everyone, my name is ellie, I am 23 and have autism. I am currently in a 7 month relationship with a guy I met through a social networking site. We live about an hour away from each other.

I worry due to my autism but also because I was cheated on in my last relationship (Another LD) I asked my current boyfriend to delete his profile on the site we met on, which he did, due to worry.

I recently found a porn website with his username registered but when I confronted him about it he denied it was his. Since I confronted him about it the profile has now been changed to private. What do I do? What is everyone's opinion on porn when in a relationship? It makes me feel uncomfortable and that I'm not enough for him. I mean the majority of the women in the videos are thin yet I'm far from being thin.

Also we think he might have dyspraxia or autism too. I have visited him a couple of times now but when asked about him visiting me he said he's too afraid to leave where he lives. We have agreed to go dutch so he'll be paying half my train ticket. I don't mind visiting him but feel I put more effort into the relationship. He works 4 days a week whilst I only volunteer due to my low confidence. I love him and want us to work.

I even went as far to create a fake facebook account to test his faithfulness, which he did, but i think I went too far and almost ruined the relationship which I am sorry for, the last thing I want is to lose him but end up over thinking everything.

Thank you for reading.

[Hollandia]

Hello everyone, my name is ellie, I am 23 and have autism. I am currently in a 7 month relationship with a guy I met through a social networking site. We live about an hour away from each other.

I worry due to my autism but also because I was cheated on in my last relationship (Another LD) I asked my current boyfriend to delete his profile on the site we met on, which he did, due to worry.

I recently found a porn website with his username registered but when I confronted him about it he denied it was his. Since I confronted him about it the profile has now been changed to private. What do I do? What is everyone's opinion on porn when in a relationship? It makes me feel uncomfortable and that I'm not enough for him. I mean the majority of the women in the videos are thin yet I'm far from being thin.

Also we think he might have dyspraxia or autism too. I have visited him a couple of times now but when asked about him visiting me he said he's too afraid to leave where he lives. We have agreed to go dutch so he'll be paying half my train ticket. I don't mind visiting him but feel I put more effort into the relationship. He works 4 days a week whilst I only volunteer due to my low confidence. I love him and want us to work.

I even went as far to create a fake facebook account to test his faithfulness, which he did, but i think I went too far and almost ruined the relationship which I am sorry for, the last thing I want is to lose him but end up over thinking everything.

Thank you for reading.

I would have no problem with the porn. I am sure my baby watches it sometimes, I would do it with him if he wanted. You really cannot forbid him from it. You are not married and even then, men(and some women) just do it sometimes. If you tell them not to watch it you risk the chance of them either feeling guilty about it or not wanting to hurt your feelings and then they lie about it. If it is a deal breaker for you then you need to figure that out.

You are testing him and being untruthful to do it, that is just wrong. Very wrong. I feel for you being autistic but you are still responsible for your own actions. My kid is bipolar and tries to blame the stuff she does wrong on it. You can't use this as a crutch and so if you are not, then why bring it up? You most definitely "took it too far". You should not have even gone there. The truth is, he has every right to watch porn and to keep any of his profile private. You are basically stalking your own SO. If you don't have trust your relationship won't make it. If he does have a condition that prevents him from travel then you again have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If none of these flaws of his, (flaws in your eyes) are, then accept him for who he is as he has accepted you as who you are. He loves you and is with you, don't push him away by trying to control him or hold on too tight.

[Kristin91]

A topic like this already exists:
https://members.lovingfromadistance....highlight=porn

Also I just want to say, if you can't trust him then there's no way your relationship can work. LD is hard when you have complete faith and trust and honesty with your partner, it's even harder if you're paranoid that they're cheating on you.

[Jasmine30]

Hi Elliemay,

Please don't spend your time worrying about his faithfulness. From what you've said, I can't see he has done anything for you not to trust him. Just because your ex cheated, doesn't mean your new man will do the same. As you said yourself, you went too far by stalking him. A trusting, chilled out girlfriend is way sexier than a paranoid stalker girl

I have no problem with watching porn in a relationship really, many many guys, (and a lot of girls) watch it. Some people just need a visual stimulation to get off.

[loveknowsnodistance27]

As far as the porn goes, I know my SO watches it and I do too. I have no problem at all with it because when we can't be together physically to take care of each other's needs, that fills the void. To me, it's a heck of a lot better than him actually going and taking care of it by cheating. My SO has promised me so many times that I am the only girl for him and it's the best feeling in the world to know that. I'd only have a problem if my SO was MAKING and POSTING porn online. If he watches it, it's no big deal. Almost every guy watches it. (PS I am female)

I understand the worry because I get insecure sometimes too. It's natural in an LDR, but you have to trust him or else it will not work. I think you did go too far. Testing and playing mind games are really unhealthy for the relationship. I've learned this over time and once I worked out my issues, I noticed a total change for the better in our relationship. Try not to worry. Everything will be fine. =]

[Black_Halloween]

Excuse me for being rude but an hour apart from each other isn't really long distance. Why would you need to take a train to see him if its only an hour drive? I wish my SO lived that close

[Tooki]

Excuse me for being rude but an hour apart from each other isn't really long distance. Why would you need to take a train to see him if its only an hour drive? I wish my SO lived that close

Maybe she is unable to drive due to her autism? Higher levels of autism would highly impair one's ability to drive a car over a long distance.

Anyhow, stalking your SO online and 'testing his faithfulness' is not right. You need to trust him. Also, it's very normal to watch porn while apart. As loveknowsnodistance27 said, watching porn is a lot better than physically cheating. It's also possible to watch porn and imagine that it's you and your SO doing what the actors are doing as well .

[LadyDaemon]

I agree with what others have said. Going to those kinds of lengths to "test his faithfulness" is a bit immature in my opinion and a bit overboard. You can not punish him for the sins of others before him. He didn't cheat on you and he is not them. If you go on treating your SO like that you're going to push him away and lose your relationship. One of the worst feelings in the world is feeling like you're being punished because of people that came before you. It is not fair to him to do that.

The porn thing,just let the man be a man. It's for visual purposes only. If it were an addiction to where he wasn't functioning normally because of it or if he was replacing you with the porn,and by that I mean rejecting your sexual advances and then going to watch porn aftwards,then I would be worried. But this isn't the case as far as I'm aware from your post. Women even watch it and even sometimes watch it with their SOs,it's not something to get mad about. Everyone has needs and when you're LD and you can't get those needs met physically with your SO you have to figure out other ways to do it. Just chill out and loosen up his leash a bit.

[Sora1101]

Excuse me for being rude but an hour apart from each other isn't really long distance. Why would you need to take a train to see him if its only an hour drive? I wish my SO lived that close

It doesn't matter the mileage or time between people but their ability to be able to see each other. Sure some people could see others who live an hour away every couple days or so whereas some can't even travel 5 miles. Not everyone has a mode of transportation or the money for it.

[digitalfever]

Excuse me for being rude but an hour apart from each other isn't really long distance. Why would you need to take a train to see him if its only an hour drive? I wish my SO lived that close

How not? My SO is an hour by train but that's because it's a Virgin Train and goes really fast. Otherwise, he's about a five hour drive during the week and goes to his parents in NW and that's almost 2 hours by public transit.

So..., I don't think the OP's distance is comparable to anyone else's relationship as distance, financial situation, opportunity and how we handle it is all subjective.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Hi Elliemay, welcome to LFAD!

On the porn thing - I understand how this can make you feel uncomfortable. I agree with most other poster that if my SO does do it (and I don't really know either way) it wouldn't bother me too much, but that's my personal standpoint. If it makes you feel that insecure, however, I think you should talk to him about it. Not necessarily about him stopping doing it altogether, but a calm conversation that makes him aware that him doing it makes you feel a little insecure. Just because he also finds those women attractive doesn't mean that he doesn't find you attractive. Maybe what you really need is a bit of reassurance on that point. I don't want to go into too many details here, because this is the main forum, rather than the LFAdults forum, but I'm sure there are ways you can find that you can be more involved in his sexual life when you're apart.

On the testing him - playing games in relationships is a bad way to solve your problems. Chances are, you're more likely to create problems from going behind his back to test him that talking about your worries head on. And think about it, creating a fake FB profile to try to get his attention - if he's capable of falling in love with you as you, isn't it likely that he's capable of falling in love with a you with a different name? Creating a fake FB profile behind his back only gives him reason to not trust you. As you've found out, it's caused you more issues, rather than making you feel better.

With the "putting more effort into the relationship", you may be doing more of the travelling because you're in a better position to. If he does have problems leaving his home town, and you don't, him not travelling to you might not be a reflection of him not being as dedicated to you, but like you said, more about problems he has in himself. You will find this advice a lot on this forum - talk to your SO. See if there's anything preventing him from doing more to see you. You can't work through problems you don't know about, and it might just be a question of needing a little more confidence and support in order to do so.

I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry too much. Write down the things you'd like to talk to him about so you can work through the issues you have together, and try to talk to him as calmly and straight-forwardly as possible. If you sort through your points before you talk to him, you're more likely to have a conversation than an argument.

[ST25]

Testing your SO's love like that was a no-no, and you admitted that. The thing about trust in an LD relationship is that that would be one of the crucial aspects to keep it alive. Without that strong streak of trust, the relationship will fall away bit by bit. About the porn thing - think about it this way: he's not emotionally in love with the women he sees on the screen. He's only focused on getting himself off and that's it. He would still find you sexually attractive and he wouldn't be with you if he didn't.

[lyonsgirl]

I hope elliemay comes back soon and posts again.