I'm sick inside...long, but the whole story

[CatCountry]

Okay...here goes. I've been back from our first visit for a couple of days now and I feel absolutely awful about most of the trip. Because of timing we only had a few days. I flew down on Monday and flew home on Thursday.

We checked into the hotel, left the bags in the room and went to explore the place. We ended up at the pool bar to have a drink. I'll say were at the pool bar for 2 hours. I had a mixed drink and a little later a beer. I was hungry and didn't want to drink too much. He had a beer and a shot...then another beer and another shot...then another beer and another shot ( I lost count). I dragged him out of there (trashed) to get something to eat. I found out later that he didn't even remember going out to eat, or ordering my dinner for me while I went to the ladies room. This is just my first few hours there, never mind later that evening. ( I drank too, but not to excess)

Tuesday we had a nice day...we went to a local landmark, we made arrangements for the next day’s activities. Went back to the hotel to get ready for the show we had reservation for that night. Went to the show, shared 2 volcano bowls and had a good time. After the show...yep...we went out and had even more to drink.

Wednesday we went to the day’s activity and yep...he drinks. (We went deep sea fishing and I realize that some people like to drink when they fish. I'll give him that much.) After fishing we went back to the hotel to clean up and go back down to the pool bar and he drinks some more. I had a couple of beers too. Later on we went out and drank some more.

Thursday we went packed up, went for a very quiet breakfast and a very quiet hour and a half back to the airport. He stayed with me at the airport until I had to get through security and go to my gate. While we sat there he asked me what I thought about us. I didn't know what to say and I don't remember what exactly I said to him, but I know we both said we wanted to try for this relationship.

There were moment's I wasn't very happy with...I wanted to go across the street from our hotel to the gift shop to find something for my daughter and he said he was going to go next door to the gift shop to have a drink in the gentleman’s club...he said he was curious. One of the nights we were in a bar he actually leaned over to tell me something about looking at the bartender’s boobs and the boobs of the 2 girls sitting next to him. Both of these examples happened when he was drunk.

I called him when I got home and he told me that when he got home he found out that his daughter's mother needs to move to TN (he's in FL) and has filed petition to take his daughter with her. He's a wreck. He now has his daughter every other week until she goes to school. From what I know he is a wonderful father and he loves his daughter with all his heart and it will devistate him to go from same state and every other week or when she goes to school every other weekend to a different state and 70 days a year. He's a sensitive guy and he's feeling crushed.

He called me the next morning and told me he spent a lot of time thinking about me and that he was sorry for all the drinking and that it wouldn't happen again. He said he loves me so much and he wanted me to see the real him not who he was on our trip. He said he would do anything to make us work, and told me how much he loves me and cares about my daughter. (We said I love you to each other before we met...there was only 1 I love you when we were together)

My points...I'm left wondering who this man really is. The more I think about it the more upset I become about the whole thing. I know that I need to accept some of the blame because I could have said something, but I didn’t…and I don’t know why. I did sleep with him and now don’t feel very good about that because of the condition he was in. ( Don’t forget though…I drank too, just not to the excess he did) I’m feeling really bad about this and I know I need to talk to him about it, but he is knee deep in trying to find a way to keep his daughter. This guy is a very sensitive soul, and I don’t want to throw more at him right now.

I just needed to vent, because I feel sick inside.

Any opinions? Honest ones

[annamorgan]

There's nothing wrong with him having a drink with you, but him getting drunk every time? That's sort of out of hand. I haven't read any posts or anything by you before, and it says that you're new to LFAD, so I don't know anything about your LDR situation, but this kind of worries me. Is his drinking pattern like this always? It's kind of concerning to me even if it isn't to you.

[CatCountry]

He said the last time he drank was a week before my visit at an office party he went to. The time before that was more than a month ago at the last office party. We talk on the phone almost every night and I never got the impression that he had been or was drinking. It does bother me, especially some of the events that took place...and I wonder exactly how much he does remember. I'm a little heart broken I guess...definately not the trip I had hoped for.

I did post something a few weeks ago...it was a realy great text message he sent me one morning.

[annamorgan]

Hm, well he didn't leave a good impression. He should have been more interested in spending quality time with you, not getting drunk. I guess you should wait and see what happens the next time you see each other again and see how that plays out. The whole talking about other girls' boobs would really make me mad though.

[CatCountry]

I took a video of him drunk laying on the bed in the hotel room singing at the top of his lungs...quite a topic he was singing about. I doubt he even remembers it. I was wondering if I should send it to him so he can see.

[Lunar Snow]

Hey, I will try and offer my two cents on the visit. I think the grander situation may be a bit beyond me, because I don't have children yet and am in no way ready to have children yet...so I may not be able to fully identify on that level. I think the precious lives of little ones add a really complex layer onto situations. ...but, you wouldn't be posting on the forum unless you not only wanted to vent, but wanted to hear from people, too. So, here goes!

To me, it seems like his drinking is a big issue and cropped up throughout the visit. Were you aware that he drinks so much before the visit? It sounds like you knew your limits and were responsible, while still having fun--you should give yourself some credit for that. The only saving grace I can think of for him is that he had found out about what was happening to his daughter just before your trip and was drowning his sorrows a bit (okay, maybe that isn't a saving grace so much...but that might fit with his claim that it was temporary). However (and I might get harped on a bit for this) the excess and obessiveness of his drinking, his memory blackouts, his uncouth behaviour while drinking, and the alteration in his personality all suggest to me that he has an alcohol abuse problem--that is not temporary and could very much impact your relationship. In my opinion, for a first visit and such a short visit (and I would venture the expectation extends after), the boy could keep his eyes on you and his yap shut about neighbouring mammary glands. You describe him as the sensitive sort, but usually that extends to sensitivity about other peoples' feelings, even with a y chromosome.

I think you didn't say something, perhaps, because you were worried about ruining the visit and the first impression you were no doubt (and very legitimately) building up excitement for. Please don't be too hard on yourself. (My SO doesn't drink to excess, usually, but he and his family are rather...top shelf lushes, well, maybe not lushes. They do drink quite a bit more than me and, for health reasons, I shouldn't be drinking any of that stuff right now, but I did drink some within what I thought was reason and still ended up feeling ill and didn't say anything about it. I wanted to fit in, I guess, which takes me back to high school...but in high school I had no problem saying no! Now I just feel kind of stupid for not listening to my inner voice of common sense.). I don't doubt that you are wondering who on earth he is. As for sleeping with him, I understand why you don't feel great about that. In that regard, and if you continue to see each other (I say this, because I hope for the best for you and think, after talking to him, that you need to weigh up your feelings about the relationship), I think waiting on the sex until you feel like it would make you happier in the long-term, knowing that he is the man he says he is, might help to keep your head clear and protect your heart a bit. He may be a sensitive soul and having a rough time, but so are you! If you leave these feelings of sickness and pain inside of yourself, they will just fester and that won't be good for you or the relationship (if you so decide that it is a good fit for you...and don't forget that you and your daughter need only to add people to your lives who bring happiness and stability). I really hope that you can discuss how you are feeling with him soon (and I also hope that he can get some help to reduce and control his alcohol consumption).

(As an aside, I was typing this up just after reading the first post, so I didn't see the additional conversation after it).

[annamorgan]

Hey, I will try and offer my two cents on the visit. I think the grander situation may be a bit beyond me, because I don't have children yet and am in no way ready to have children yet...so I may not be able to fully identify on that level. I think the precious lives of little ones add a really complex layer onto situations. ...but, you wouldn't be posting on the forum unless you not only wanted to vent, but wanted to hear from people, too. So, here goes!

To me, it seems like his drinking is a big issue and cropped up throughout the visit. Were you aware that he drinks so much before the visit? It sounds like you knew your limits and were responsible, while still having fun--you should give yourself some credit for that. The only saving grace I can think of for him is that he had found out about what was happening to his daughter just before your trip and was drowning his sorrows a bit (okay, maybe that isn't a saving grace so much...but that might fit with his claim that it was temporary). However (and I might get harped on a bit for this) the excess and obessiveness of his drinking, his memory blackouts, his uncouth behaviour while drinking, and the alteration in his personality all suggest to me that he has an alcohol abuse problem--that is not temporary and could very much impact your relationship. In my opinion, for a first visit and such a short visit (and I would venture the expectation extends after), the boy could keep his eyes on you and his yap shut about neighbouring mammary glands. You describe him as the sensitive sort, but usually that extends to sensitivity about other peoples' feelings, even with a y chromosome.

I think you didn't say something, perhaps, because you were worried about ruining the visit and the first impression you were no doubt (and very legitimately) building up excitement for. Please don't be too hard on yourself. (My SO doesn't drink to excess, usually, but he and his family are rather...top shelf lushes, well, maybe not lushes. They do drink quite a bit more than me and, for health reasons, I shouldn't be drinking any of that stuff right now, but I did drink some within what I thought was reason and still ended up feeling ill and didn't say anything about it. I wanted to fit in, I guess, which takes me back to high school...but in high school I had no problem saying no! Now I just feel kind of stupid for not listening to my inner voice of common sense.). I don't doubt that you are wondering who on earth he is. As for sleeping with him, I understand why you don't feel great about that. In that regard, and if you continue to see each other (I say this, because I hope for the best for you and think, after talking to him, that you need to weigh up your feelings about the relationship), I think waiting on the sex until you feel like it would make you happier in the long-term, knowing that he is the man he says he is, might help to keep your head clear and protect your heart a bit. He may be a sensitive soul and having a rough time, but so are you! If you leave these feelings of sickness and pain inside of yourself, they will just fester and that won't be good for you or the relationship (if you so decide that it is a good fit for you...and don't forget that you and your daughter need only to add people to your lives who bring happiness and stability). I really hope that you can discuss how you are feeling with him soon (and I also hope that he can get some help to reduce and control his alcohol consumption).

(As an aside, I was typing this up just after reading the first post, so I didn't see the additional conversation after it).

I totally agree!

[CatCountry]

I appreciate your time and responses...He found out about his daughter AFTER our trip...so she wasn't a factor at the time. I only added that because I feel it'll be too much for him if I bring it all up now. I'll give it a few days...but then again, he picks up his daughter for their weekly visit tomorrow afternoon. I don't know, I guess I'll need some time to think. Thanks again.

[LadyMarchHare]

I agree with Lunar's point about there being a reason behind the excessive drinking as that seems, to me, like something that would have been noticed beforehand even if just with text.

Me personally I detest alcohol and I'm not fond of being around people when they drink (my dad's family is a bunch of alcoholic Italians so get-togethers were... interesting) but I'd never stop someone from casually drinking because really there's no harm in a drink or two with supper or when you're out at a bar/the hotel/whatever. But to that extent I would be worried because it sounds like every opportunity that had something with an alcohol level above beer's percentage he was taking advantage of. Though I'm not sure what to say about his going to a Gentleman's Club or talking about a woman's chest even if he was drunk. I'm not wholly experienced on the subject but I've read that plenty of people sort of show bits of their true selves when drunk. My SO, who likes drinking wine, told me when he's drunk you can basically get him to admit anything.

At this point I'd be more worried over his health than behavior because, as Lunar stated, there's got to be a reason behind it even if it was something as simple as nerves. I would talk to him but not to condemn him as an alcoholic or say he ruined the entire trip even if that's sort of the case. Maybe bring up the fact he tended to drink more than you think he should have had in certain situations and ask if it was because he likes it, it relaxes him, or if there's something troubling him. You said he's sensitive so I believe at this point you probably would do better as a pillar of support and either be his alternative to drinking or help him address the problem and find a solution whether it's going to AA or whatever. While I have no kids, I have a soon-to-be-6 year old cousin who's in the middle of a custody and authority battle between her parents and her mom, who is my cousin, gets seriously torn up when the girl's father pulls stunts such as trying to take her away or demanding they change the joint custody times so she's with him more, etc. Your children become your life, so if indeed he's drowning his sorrows in the name of his daughter, it's very understandable.

EDIT: And of course I hit send after Cat posts so a good third of what I said is pointless. XD

[CatCountry]

This is what someone in another forum posted to my story...I think it's right on because he has been open with me about his past drinking habbits. On the flip side he is a wonderful, caring, and sweet person. He had always been an open book with me. I'm begining to think otherwise. That is so sad, this relationship had potential in my eyes.

"unless you intend to work the hours of your days and nights around drinking and a guy who disrespects women and visits gentlemen's clubs - you two aren't a good match.

seems he feels bad about the way some things went while you were together... that is normal behavior for someone who has a drinking problem. they are always sorry but never seem to change unless they quit drinking all together. this takes a lot of work.

the fact that he didn't remember certain events means he is a blackout drinker - even bigger problem.

what was it that broke up his marriage - was it the drinking?

i don't blame you for being upset - i would choose never to see him again... sensitive or not... "

[HMA]

Yikes, that is definitely concerning. I can understand having a few drinks because he was probably nervous, but drinking THAT much and every day of the visit? To the point that he can't remember? And there's no way he should take a little trip to the gentlemen's club while you're shopping for you daughter. That screams of disrespect, not to mention commenting on boobs.

I would be very very concerned about both those behaviours, particularly because you have a daughter. I would send him the video, because he probably doesn't realize quite what an ass he was. I really question how honest he's been about his drinking habits.

It sounds like you've already sort of made up your mind, though. Good luck, one way or another!

[LadyMarchHare]

This is what someone in another forum posted to my story...I think it's right on because he has been open with me about his past drinking habbits. On the flip side he is a wonderful, caring, and sweet person. He had always been an open book with me. I'm begining to think otherwise. That is so sad, this relationship had potential in my eyes.

"unless you intend to work the hours of your days and nights around drinking and a guy who disrespects women and visits gentlemen's clubs - you two aren't a good match.

seems he feels bad about the way some things went while you were together... that is normal behavior for someone who has a drinking problem. they are always sorry but never seem to change unless they quit drinking all together. this takes a lot of work.

the fact that he didn't remember certain events means he is a blackout drinker - even bigger problem.

what was it that broke up his marriage - was it the drinking?

i don't blame you for being upset - i would choose never to see him again... sensitive or not... "

That's good advice. Even though you knew about his drinking you can't really comprehend the seriousness of the situation until you see it for yourself. Alcohol does nasty things to people and ruins them when otherwise they'd be model, upstanding people. Maybe you could suggest he get help in order to save the relationship and make things safe for your daughter? If he won't do that even after you present evidence of how he is when he's drunk to him, then it may have to come to leaving him. Ultimately that behavior is stressful on you, not something a kid needs to be around, and a health-risk for him. Nothing's worth that.

[Darth_Taco]

Being "sensitive" is a very common excuse for an addict. The only reason I never used it was because I was afraid of sounding like some sort of wimp who couldn't handle shit. Anyway, I think I'm about to get harsh. I'm not sure, everytime I try to be nice I come out as blunt XP. Just stick with me here and let me explain.

First, it is very easy to hide your alcoholism if all you do is talk though phone calls, text messages, IM, ect. If you're getting on webcam, it's simple to only drink enough to seem normal. As a drug addict, I know just how ridiculously easy it is to hide addiction. It doesn't really say anything about you though. Unless that's exactly what you're looking for or they're completely shit-faced, you're not going to be able to distinguish a junkie or drunk from an average person. Only reason my boyfriend knew from the beginning that I was an addict was because I told him. He grew up with drug addicts, and I don't think even he would be able to tell if I didn't help out.

Second, the whole custody thing with his daughter. Unless his ex-wife is a complete bitch, I doubt she would be limiting his custody without a reason. As the other person posted too, why did his marriage end in the first place? There's a lot he's likely not come clean to you about. Again with custody, if he does have a drinking problem expect it to get so much worse after this.

Then there's the whole strip club thing. Personally, I got nothing against a guy going to one occasionally and getting a lapdance or two. Again, occasionally. He went in the middle of a visit though, which is just weird. You weren't there long, he could've hold back until you went home. I think he might have a problem there too. Then there's the cheap part of me that automatically screams "What the hell are you doing spending money on someone who won't even fuck you afterwards? That is a horrible financial decision!" Look, I live in Vegas and I'm surrounded by strippers. You'll be surprised how many are married with children and completely faithful. This is just a job for them. They're not being degraded, their just doing their jobs and earning a living. The degraded ones are the people who get wasted and spend their whole paychecks on them. I just wanted to make that clear since the whole "strippers are whores" or "strippers are degraded" notions are just pet peeves of mine.

Oh God, don't get me started on the whole "I promise I'll never do it again" crap. My father said it to my mother so many times. Today he's still an alcoholic and a drug addict. Not everyone does that of course. Thankfully she got rid of him years ago. When I told my boyfriend I was going to get sober and stay that way, I meant it. I've been sober a year. I was realistic though. He knows I can relapse at any time. Hell, right now I'm fighting the urge to get high, hence why I hate menstruation. Still, I doubt he's ready to give it up. I don't know why, I guess its because I wouldn't trust another addict as far as I can throw them.

With distance, this is a very easy issue to hide, so you'll need others to help and tell you he's being held accountable. This is assuming you stick around. Personally, I think you two need to talk about this. If he sticks by his same story of never drinking like this and that he'll never do it again, that is bullshit. No mater how stressed he was having you around, a normal person doesn't do what he does. He's an alcoholic, and he needs to come clean.

[CatCountry]

A couple of points...The childs mother was never his wife, and yes from what he's told me about her she is a complete bitch she has a drug problem. She is moving to another state...that is why he won't see his daughter as much. I don't know what ended the relationship, but I do know he got a phone call from her one day just saying it was over and she was moving back to her parents house ( at one point they lived together) They were drinking buddies when they met. Boy did I get myself involved in a mess. I do want to talk to him about all of this, but at the moment I'd like to support him because I know how much he loves his daughter. Later on when things cool off I will talk about it. I did delete him as a friend on FB, he wont notice he hardly ever uses it, so I can turn to my friends and not worrry about him seeing something. I will take the time to think...after all...I do love him, just not this part of him.

[CatCountry]

I just found out from a mutual FB friend that he posted something on FB today about meeting " the one". Oh no.