What does he want???

[kishapie]

Ok so here is the thing. I met this guy on a matrimonial site and he is based in Dubai, running his father's business and I based in Singapore, doing my own thing. In Dubai, you do not get citizenship or Permenant residentship. And he has no family or house in his homeland as his family has moved to Dubai while retaining their original nationality. So anyway - he was breath of fresh air initially. And from the second time i spoke to him, i felt a really strong attraction towards him. Its wierd because it has never happened to me before. I am not one that believes in love at first sight and bla bla. He has a very gentle disposition and a quiet wisdom about him. He is also a father figure to his nephew whose parents are divorced. He lives with his parents and is 34 years old. This is normal for people of Asian heritage. We are of Indian heritage by the way. So we talk. have silly banters and tease. Things go not too bad. He had this awful habit of appearing and disappearing before we were an item. And on the 2 occasions when he disappeared, i did too. Eventually he cleaned up his act and got back in touch and on track. He was to appear in Singapore in Dec. That never happened. I got tired of the anticipation and from swinging back and forth with my emotions and his actions in a pendulum style. I decided to send him an email to call it quits. He tells me he has had his visa applied for Singapore and we have a skype date. Talk somewhat while he juggles his work and me. He does spend a fair bit of time with me when we are on skype, although from work. He is also bossed around badly by his dad and has a rocky relationship with his father. It appears to me that he is always looking for his father's approval something which he does not get easily. It frustrates him and he feels lousy about his relationship with his dad. I make him do silly things like remove his beloved facial hair and he does it to please me. It means alot because he was teased badly on facebook by alot of people. One of them his ex girlfriend of 2 months from a year ago. So February 14, Valentines Day (he was to be in Singapore that month and he couldnt come because his dad's + boss's disapproval) he sends me this lovely lovely lovely video that he made with him in it -- it said Be mine. It was sweet. and i felt warm and fuzzy. He sent me this video because he refused to DTR initially citing a reason that we have not met yet. And he would like to meet me first before DTR-ing. I felt it was not an unreasonable request. But the video he sent me sealed everything. Following that we had mostly good and some bad incidents. He attended an Art Fair with his that ex gf of his because of them are design geeks and the community is small. I decided to call it quits yet again. And i refused to talk to him or entertain his whatsap messages. I am not comfortable with an old flame on his face. So he explains that it was not a date and it was solely to go out and see the fair. Period. He also tells me she (the ex) is friends with all her ex-es and all her ex-es are his friends too. But i sense alot of chemistry. I feel she is attracted to him. She is always posting things on his walls that he does like and respond too. I have ZERO attention, ZERO Likes from him with regards to my facebook. Ive never felt like he cares about what i do with my life. He did tell me that she asked him if he was talking to any chick and he told her that he was which was me. Late nights i dont get texts from him but he admits to texting her as she comes alive at nights and so they do chit chat. I have a sinking feeling when i hear all of this. I think what I was feeling is disappointment. He is truthful so far and that is so attractive about him. So one night i catch him online at 4 am on whatsap and I unable to hold my anger and feeling jealous -- say hey! you are still awake? and he replies yes. I say: talking to your ex? and he says: no im walking (he is trying to lose weight tbh) and i say happy walking and he goes: no no talk to me. I admit to him that my feelings are changing and i do not like what i am becoming with him. He calls me at once to ask what was going on. I tell him about my uneasiness, my anger and pangs of jealousy about him and his ex. He tells me that she was leaving Dubai for good in 2 weeks and she will not be part of our lives anymore and asks that i close an eye for some good bye photoshoot that she was organizing and a design fair that he badly wanted to go to and may possibly run into her. I said okay, go ahead. I also tell him that if he wants to be with her, he can but he should tell me. He tells me she was too much for him to handle and not in the least sensible and extremly imature.. he shared some of the insensitive things that happened between them like screen shotting and pasting his private conversation with her on his wall where he has many many friends and family. He tells me that kind of attitude will never work. After that i told him that if he felt tht way about her why was he condoning her being in his face by responding to her wall posts on his wall? And why he likes every single thing she posts on his wall? He listened quietly. I told him that it is out my nature to be this jealous and possesive and this is a new experiance for me. I told him i did not like her being in his face. Following this; he stopped humoring her on his facebook. He also promised me that to make things easier on me, he would tell me whenever he meets her or runs into her. I felt better. Following this we talk about his inconsistent calls and texts and dates. And he tells me he has a rough schedule. I believe him, just that he has ALOT of time to facebook and pintrest. But thats okay. Because sometimes we just want to be alone doing our thing. He did and does initiate skype and he tried to call more often. Last night he calls me to tell me that his dad pretty much decides alot of things and had went through alot in his younger days. He also said that his business might be running at a loss now and that he is not able to fly solo at this point of time. ( i did tell him to try strike it out on his own to make things work for himself. I feel this will earn him the respect that he is denied by his family). He has not removed his matrimonial account and he tells me that his account makes him feel secure. He also tell me that he is scared of marriage and that he fears that he may end up in a rocky relationship. And that his family life is not that great. My friends and family tell me to lose him and that this is complicated but i feel so strongly about this man. Please help me understand the dynamics of this relationship and if anything what is going on here? I find it upsetting that he looks for approval from others and that he is still under his father's thumb. What do i do? We havent said I love you to one another yet. Someone please help me understand what he wants.

[lyonsgirl]

I'll be honest, I only skimmed your giant wall of text. But, I can't tell you what he wants. What I can tell you, though, is you need to talk to him about all of this.

[Kristin91]

I'll be honest, I only skimmed your giant wall of text. But, I can't tell you what he wants. What I can tell you, though, is you need to talk to him about all of this.

This ^^. Talk to him about everything you just told us. You might want to let him know that you have a lot to say and you don't want him to interrupt until you're done.

[digitalfever]

He wants attention.

[Ejoriah]

I'd say he just wants to keep things the way they are. Whenever you threaten to leave he cleans up his act just enough so that you'll stick around.

[Hollandia]

Matronial account? Are you his GF? No way would that fly with me. He needs to off the site looking for a wife when he is in a committed relationship. I am sorry, his excuse for keeping it is bunk! When you found somebody to be with you need to get off the dating sites.

The rest is ups and downs of a relationship. I agree you need to talk to him again and then you need to figure out what things are deal breakers for you and what you are willing to deal with. If you decide to accept certain aspects of him then you need to stop worrying about them and move forward but working on the positive.