Very Confused

[ThePiedPiper]

And that could very easily be a line. Look, it doesn't matter why he does what he does. If he's afraid, so what? If I date someone and he smacks me around because his father did it to him and he knows nothing else, does that make it okay? If you cheated on him but were thinking of him the whole time, does that make it okay? No. Sometimes it doesn't matter what the reasons (and reasons can very easily become excuses) are behind someone's behaviour. Sometimes what matters is not how much you want to fix someone's broken heart but what their behaviours are actually saying and representing for you. If you really mattered THAT much to him, he would be with you. Point blank, he would find a way to make it work and push past his issues. At this point, he's using you for the company and emotional affection and you've shown him that all you need is a little begging but he can still screw someone else. :/ You've been trying for 2 months. How much longer are you going to have to try before you realise you cannot fix him, change him, or alter your situation? He does not want you or to be in a relationship with you or he would be. And I'd like to think that somewhere inside, you know that. What I'd recommend you do is do what you need to do for YOU. Stop caring about him or stop thinking making him beg for you will increase your chances and take care of yourself. You need to stop playing the "I don't want to hold you back!" card because you're not doing anything to him. You're his convenient online girl with whom he can connect when he's in between IRL girlfriends. :/ HE is holding YOU back and whether or not you see it, at the very least, a break would do you some good. Hindsight is always 20/20. That said, don't play games. Either you say you need to take care of yourself and stop talking and mean it or don't say it at all, because every time you do actually reinforces what he's doing and shows him you don't care if you give him his cake and let him eat it too...

[Joni]

And that could very easily be a line. Look, it doesn't matter why he does what he does. If he's afraid, so what? If I date someone and he smacks me around because his father did it to him and he knows nothing else, does that make it okay? If you cheated on him but were thinking of him the whole time, does that make it okay? No. Sometimes it doesn't matter what the reasons (and reasons can very easily become excuses) are behind someone's behaviour. Sometimes what matters is not how much you want to fix someone's broken heart but what their behaviours are actually saying and representing for you. If you really mattered THAT much to him, he would be with you. Point blank, he would find a way to make it work and push past his issues. At this point, he's using you for the company and emotional affection and you've shown him that all you need is a little begging but he can still screw someone else. :/ You've been trying for 2 months. How much longer are you going to have to try before you realise you cannot fix him, change him, or alter your situation? He does not want you or to be in a relationship with you or he would be. And I'd like to think that somewhere inside, you know that. What I'd recommend you do is do what you need to do for YOU. Stop caring about him or stop thinking making him beg for you will increase your chances and take care of yourself. You need to stop playing the "I don't want to hold you back!" card because you're not doing anything to him. You're his convenient online girl with whom he can connect when he's in between IRL girlfriends. :/ HE is holding YOU back and whether or not you see it, at the very least, a break would do you some good. Hindsight is always 20/20. That said, don't play games. Either you say you need to take care of yourself and stop talking and mean it or don't say it at all, because every time you do actually reinforces what he's doing and shows him you don't care if you give him his cake and let him eat it too...

Yes but we video chat, talk on the phone, text.. and I know I need to move on but it is so hard. I want to move hold but my feelings are getting in the way.

[ThePiedPiper]

Yes but we video chat, talk on the phone, text.. and I know I need to move on but it is so hard. I want to move hold but my feelings are getting in the way.

Block him, delete him from everything, and turn to a hobby when your mind starts to wander. It's hard, but you're not the first person who's had to do this and succeeded. However, it won't work until you've decided you're done being played. Like I said, it took me 2 years the first time to realise that nothing was going to change and that I was being played for a fool and he was winning. We all have different breaking points and maybe you have to be burned a few more times before you decide that whatever's past the fire is not worth pushing through the flames.

[Hollandia]

I know you know what we are saying is right. You know this is just wrong. You are debating his point for him which comes off against what is best for you. Stop thinking about him and what he whats and start thinking about what is best for you. If you won't do this then get ready to be treated like this for awhile. If you create a pattern, it could be this way by many men. Stop thinking you don't deserve to be treated as numero uno or you won't be.

I really feel that no matter what is said, you still wish to put your head on that chopping block. I wish you the best and hope at least the blade is sharp and quick when it comes.

[Safihre]

I know you know what we are saying is right. You know this is just wrong. You are debating his point for him which comes off against what is best for you. Stop thinking about him and what he whats and start thinking about what is best for you. If you won't do this then get ready to be treated like this for awhile. If you create a pattern, it could be this way by many men. Stop thinking you don't deserve to be treated as numero uno or you won't be.

I really feel that no matter what is said, you still wish to put your head on that chopping block. I wish you the best and hope at least the blade is sharp and quick when it comes.

Harsh words, but I totally agree with all said above. If he really wants to, he'll make it happen. Now he's just using you as a backup, a safety net until he's found someone to comfort him closer by.

[Joni]

But the thing is he doesn't treat me like a back-up. He treats me like a girlfriend. He cares, he is always there for me, he puts me first, if im sad then he will cancel his plans and stay home and video chat with me. He treats me exactly like a girlfriend except we aren't together. I think he wants it but he just isn't ready. I know I deserve to be treated as number one but honestly I am the number one girl in his life except for his mom, yeah he talks to other girls but he ultimately worries about me the most.

[digitalfever]

But the thing is he doesn't treat me like a back-up. He treats me like a girlfriend. He cares, he is always there for me, he puts me first, if im sad then he will cancel his plans and stay home and video chat with me. He treats me exactly like a girlfriend except we aren't together. I think he wants it but he just isn't ready. I know I deserve to be treated as number one but honestly I am the number one girl in his life except for his mom, yeah he talks to other girls but he ultimately worries about me the most.

Then what's the issue?

[ThePiedPiper]

But the thing is he doesn't treat me like a back-up. He treats me like a girlfriend. He cares, he is always there for me, he puts me first, if im sad then he will cancel his plans and stay home and video chat with me. He treats me exactly like a girlfriend except we aren't together. I think he wants it but he just isn't ready. I know I deserve to be treated as number one but honestly I am the number one girl in his life except for his mom, yeah he talks to other girls but he ultimately worries about me the most.

Well if you're fine with something non-committal, then okay. I did that for two years with periodic fuck buddies/another girlfriend or two in between. A part of me was fine with it. A part of me wasn't, but I went ahead with it anyway. Personally I couldn't do a relationship where he treated me like a girlfriend but still prioritized other women over me because they were too tempting for him to commit to me "because of the distance." I don't think you understand that when he meets someone irl who he can sleep with and have sex with and hold hands with and kiss, someone with whom he's as compatible as he is you (because they do exist), that he is most likely going to drop you. He says he doesn't want to be with you officially so that he's not going to hurt you, but it's going to hurt anyway. You are essentially in an open relationship except it's one sided (assuming he would get angry or jealous if you dated anyone else). In the end, you're going to get hurt. Sure, some people have been in this situation and it has worked out, but a lot of the time it doesn't because for any relationship to work, you eventually have to commit to it. You either commit or you don't. There is no other option when LD. But in the end, like I believe I have said, you're the one who has to decide you're at a breaking point. We can tell you up, down, left, right, and sideways that this isn't going to work, that you're going to get hurt, but love is blind and you're not going to see it until you've been hurt so bad you can't get up and fight anymore. And if that's the point you need to reach, then go for it, and it's useless arguing with you because no one is ever going to agree. In answer to your original question, no, you're not doing the right thing if what you want out of this is commitment and a relationship. You should take care of yourself a little bit more. But you also shouldn't ask a question if all you're hoping for is what you want to hear.

[Joni]

Then what's the issue?

He wont commit to me

[Joni]

Well if you're fine with something non-committal, then okay. I did that for two years with periodic fuck buddies/another girlfriend or two in between. A part of me was fine with it. A part of me wasn't, but I went ahead with it anyway. Personally I couldn't do a relationship where he treated me like a girlfriend but still prioritized other women over me because they were too tempting for him to commit to me "because of the distance." I don't think you understand that when he meets someone irl who he can sleep with and have sex with and hold hands with and kiss, someone with whom he's as compatible as he is you (because they do exist), that he is most likely going to drop you. He says he doesn't want to be with you officially so that he's not going to hurt you, but it's going to hurt anyway. You are essentially in an open relationship except it's one sided (assuming he would get angry or jealous if you dated anyone else). In the end, you're going to get hurt. Sure, some people have been in this situation and it has worked out, but a lot of the time it doesn't because for any relationship to work, you eventually have to commit to it. You either commit or you don't. There is no other option when LD. But in the end, like I believe I have said, you're the one who has to decide you're at a breaking point. We can tell you up, down, left, right, and sideways that this isn't going to work, that you're going to get hurt, but love is blind and you're not going to see it until you've been hurt so bad you can't get up and fight anymore. And if that's the point you need to reach, then go for it, and it's useless arguing with you because no one is ever going to agree. In answer to your original question, no, you're not doing the right thing if what you want out of this is commitment and a relationship. You should take care of yourself a little bit more. But you also shouldn't ask a question if all you're hoping for is what you want to hear.

Thanks for the advice....