They say you just 'know'

[folclor]

I've been told by almost everyone I talk to that when you find the person you want to stick with for the rest of your life you just 'know.' but if one wants that outcome enough wouldn't one get that feeling anyway? I don't know, I can't know the future of my relationship. All I know is that I can see a future with Alex, I can see living with him, I can see marrying him, but if that happens I know it'll be 3 years or more down the road. So how does one 'know'? I'm not against people dreaming or wanting to be with their loved one, though I do think it's a little overboard if one makes assumptions on compatibility too early in the game as I see happening all too often.

But is knowing seeing a future together? Granted, I never saw a future with any other boyfriend, but I know plenty of people who COULD see a future together but it didn't happen for one reason or another. I don't think that knowing is seeing a future together because if that were the case then everyone in a relationship would 'know.' Then is it the feeling you get around them? A relaxed state? A homelike feeling? You can feel that with friends, too. So what is it?

I think I might 'know' but there's always another person's feelings and desires to balance, so at this point I shouldn't make assumptions.

What are everyone else's thoughts on the subject?

[LadyMarchHare]

If one simply 'knows' then there would be a lot more 'happily-ever-afters' going on in the world and more true love than there is currently, which is somewhere below 50% if you want my cynical estimate. I say this because, as you mentioned, if you truly want to believe it hard enough you can convince yourself person x is the one you've been waiting for all of your life when, truthfully, you've only known them maybe a month. The longer you're together the more likely you're able to see the truth and past the sparkly-eyed ideals because really no one enters a serious relationship looking to last only a few months or a year or two, we all want this person to be our forever partner.

Of course I'm a bit of a hypocrite on my own note because even being not quite six months I've resolved this is the first and last, that this guy's gonna be the one that actually wants to put up with my shenanigans until we're old and can't remember what solid food is, much less what it tastes like. But I suppose that's what love does, it paints the entire canvas full of scenery we haven't ventured to yet and can only mildly appreciate for now until down the road when we see it with our own eyes and not just the artistic interpretation.

And sorry if none of that makes sense. I just woke up after taking a pill to knock me out last night and I'm still semi-crosseyed.

[annamorgan]

I don't think you should focus on 'knowing' if everything is meant to be and all that jazz. I think playing it by ear is the way to go around doing that, and you just wait. You obviously see yourself spending the rest of your life with your SO, so that's YOUR way of knowing.

[paulawriteslove]

When I first started talking to my boyfriend I knew something was different with him but I let my feelings develop and I know he's the one I want to be with. I have a different feeling with my SO but there are many reasons for that. I just let everyday happen letting my feelings develop more and more.

[Casper]

I'll say that I know my girlfriend is the one for me because of how I feel around her. Of course it wasn't always "the one", it started out as me feeling totally comfortable around her and us really clicking immediately. We became really good friends and talking about all kinds of different things and bonding... anyway, I could go on forever about how much I love her- but I think it's important to take both people's feelings into account and to make sure you're not the only person in the relationships feeling like you're with "the one" and thinking about the future. At some point I think it's important to discuss things like that, of course everyone's SO and relationship are different.

Like folclor said, there's another person's feelings and desires to balance. That being said, my girlfriend and I both feel like we are with the person we're supposed to spend the rest of our lives with, and we are willing to work hard to make that happen.

[HMA]

I don't really buy into there being only one person for each of us. I think there are probably many many guys out there that could be my "one". But I've chosen my boyfriend and I want him. If he doesn't step up or eventually decides that he doesn't want ME, then I will eventually find a different one. But I think knowing is just making the decision that yes, this is the person you want to spend your life with. Of course, that's no guarantee that it will work out, but no one ever gets a guarantee.

[Casper]

Yeah, I'm going to agree with HMA and say that it's about making the decision that you're with the person you want to be with. After that you (and your SO) just have to put forth the effort to make it work. Relationships are a lot about communication and both people putting in an equal amount of work into them. Relationships are never easy.

[MTK]

I wouldn't say that i knew that my fiancee was the one from the start. She was someone special, i clicked with her from the get-go and i wanted to figure out more about her. I didn't immidiatly label her as the one and only and put all that pressure on a relatively new relationship, i let it develop at its own accord and after a while i could tell that she was the one and talking with her to see where she thought the relationship was heading. Luckily for me she feels the same way and we have been stuck together since then.

The romantic in me believes in love at first sight. =)

[Lumos]

I think there's a difference between dreaming of a future together and knowing it will happen. Knowing that your partner wants the same things is an important factor.

I dreamed about having a life with my boyfriend before we were even dating (we'd been good friends for a long time), and I wanted it so badly. But at the time I didn't believe anything would come of it. Even after we'd been dating for a few months, I was scared he'd decide he didn't like me as much once we met in person. I never truly let myself believe that our relationship was going anywhere.

Now, however, it's different. I know he wants the same life that I do, and I'm positive we'll eventually end up married (though probably a few years from now). Soon after our first visit, I accidentally found out that he'd been looking at engagement rings and had even narrowed it down to a few that I'd like. I basically agreed to marry him at that point, but told him to ask me again officially at a later date since neither of us has a job :P

[noodle]

Well first of I think you just sorta kinda feel it or know it lol (there we go again)
I agree with everyone on the future plans both have.
Its the same with me and my bf. We both want the same, to spend our future together, own apartment, own family etc. He even told some of his cousins recently that I'm his fiancee lol
I guess everyone has to decide for themselves, relationships and us people are different. Someone might think I or my bf are stupid for sorta kinda callin each other fiancees already or whatever even if its not official. Yet again other might do the same.

[Rhiavaan]

*old person pov*

Ok all you youngsters. I can sit here and tell you, yes I have told others I loved them but looking back I cared but didn't love them. I'm way old school and believe in fate. I can tell you at my age I am finally 'in love' with my SO and it grows daily, deepens through arguments. I do not expect him to feel the same for me. I'd be shocked if he stayed with me. If/when it is time to let him go I will with a smile because we were friends first and we will be friends after. I will just have alot of sweet memories to look back on.

[LadyMarchHare]

*old person pov*

Ok all you youngsters. I can sit here and tell you, yes I have told others I loved them but looking back I cared but didn't love them. I'm way old school and believe in fate. I can tell you at my age I am finally 'in love' with my SO and it grows daily, deepens through arguments. I do not expect him to feel the same for me. I'd be shocked if he stayed with me. If/when it is time to let him go I will with a smile because we were friends first and we will be friends after. I will just have alot of sweet memories to look back on.

I love when you do the old person pov thing. To me 43 isn't old, but that's because my mom's almost 63 so I consider THAT old.

Love's a word easily thrown around these days so I can agree with that "I cared about them" statement. I still don't think there's any way to 'know' or 'tell' because we can convince ourselves of anything if we try hard enough, cults use the same method (yeah bad comparison).

[lpuckett]

I think that the feeling of "knowing" would be a feeling that you wouldn't even question enough to write this post. It's a feeling of confidence and security. I guess you will know when you feel it.

[Bluestars]

I'm not against people dreaming or wanting to be with their loved one, though I do think it's a little overboard if one makes assumptions on compatibility too early in the game as I see happening all too often.

I am going to be honest, which is hard for me to admit lol >.< I know that Jared and I definitely went overboard like you are referring to when we first started dating. Within around two weeks of being official, we were talking about marriage, kids, and being soul mates and whatnot. We were just crazy in love, but it was puppy love and we were not thinking rationally. I agree that you cannot know if you are compatible within three months. Looking back now, it definitely put a strain on our relationship later on that we had to end up dealing with. Basically, we both now agree that we rushed into things to fast, and now we are just taking our relationship as it goes.

That being said, I hope/want to spend my life with Jared, and I think at the moment that is good enough. I do not know what the future holds, so I try not to daydream as much anymore. I feel that our relationship is sort of uncertain because Jared hasn't figured out what he wants to do with his life and he is really confused all of the time, and that sort of affects our relationship. I am only twenty though, so I have the rest of my future ahead of me even if this doesn't work out...but I want it to work out!

That is what I think people might mean when they say that you "know;" that they can imagine themselves with that person in the future. To illustrate this: When Jared's best friend got dumped a few months ago, his girlfriend said that she always knew she wouldn't spend her future with him (they went out for a year and a half). She must have felt early on that they weren't compatible for the long run.

The divorce rate in America is 50%, and a lot of those people probably thought that they "knew" when they first started dating. I also do not believe in soul mates. I think there are an infinite number of people that you could possibly end up with, but it depends on factors like where you live, how much you work at the relationship, and a ton of other things.

[Zephii]

I believe people just "know".
When I say it I mean you know they are your er.. special person I don't think anyone really knows if it will last... it's more about knowing where or with whom you belong. It's about feeling a bond that's deeper than the base need for security and reproduction. It's knowing without a doubt that they feel the same way - without this, you've probably just got obsession

Everyone can speculate on what their prospective future might be, even alone or with someone they hate. It's easy to think up sinerios (sp). I don't think knowing has anything to do with seeing a future together, because if you "know" then you're going to do everything in your power to make a future together possible. With that said, I don't think people who are essentially incompatable get that knowing feeling. I don't think the gods are that cruel.

But, people can lie to themselves... and in my case at least... you don't realise the difference between knowing and regular love until you have it. I'm not making any sense.