Update - Not the good kind

[Laural007]

Well I was supposed to fly to Kentucky on Friday but at the last minute he canceled my ticket and said he'd rather come to New Mexico so that my family and friends feel more comfortable and know I'm safe. He was supposed to land at 10:05 Tuesday morning (5/21) he ended missing his flight because he got into an argument with security over what gate he was supposed to go to for his connecting flight in Houston. He ended up driving for 22 hours and over 1200 miles to be with me. Should all be great, right? Not even close. He got here last Friday (5/23) and to this day I still haven't seen him.

Something in him changed and he refuses to see me. I have never dealt with someone who suffers from bipolar disorder, but apparently changing his surroundings threw him into an episode. He has an appointment with a therapist to get back on his medication to regulate his moods but it's killing me that he is so close and chooses not to see me. I begged and pleaded with him yesterday to let me see him for five minutes and he agreed. I waited 3 hours before I demanded he prove to me that he is really here. He described my house, saying how many sheds we have outside to the color of our trash can to saying it's the fourth house down from the corner with the little cement wall around the house. He described where the mall was and exactly what hotels are right next to the mall, things he couldn't possibly know unless he was here.

I don't know how bipolar illness works but for whatever reason he is afraid to physically harm me so he said until he can get into a therapist we have to wait, even if it's hurting my heart. I don't know how much more I can take. I don't eat, I don't sleep and I have withdrawn from all my friends because I'm just so sad. My kids are the only thing that’s keeping me going at this point. I'm trying to be supportive for him but I'm just so angry I'd rather not talk to him until he is ready to see me.

[Black_Halloween]

Why would he even bother driving all the way down if he's going to refuse to see you? Why would he stay in town and not drive back home? Especially if he could point out your house and things where you live. It all just seems really weird. To be honest he could google maps everything he told you. I don't know..it just all seems too shady.

[Laural007]

He isn't down here for just a visit, he will be here for as long as six months or longer. My sister told me the same thing about google maps but he pointed out exactly what color my dogs were. I have never described nor sent him a picture of them. It is a very weird situation and I completly agree with you but it's hard to let go of someone you have invested so much time and effort into.

[80anthea]

I've never mentioned this on here before but I have bipolar disorder. There are various types and everyone will be slightly different with the symptoms, I'm lucky that mine is fairly well managed through a combination of drugs and therapy. Now what he describes could be bipolar but it sounds more like a personality disorder, from the people I know with bpd I don't think wanting to hurt the person you love is a common symptom but it certainly can be with personality disorders. I guess it comes down to how much you trust him, he could be in town and genuinely need help which must be terrifying for him but something doesn't ring right to me. You know him best though, do you have contact with any of his friends or family you could maybe check with?

[Laural007]

When I say physically hurt me I don’t mean he's going to beat me. He is afraid that if I try comforting him when he's in an episode that he might shove me away from him and that he has done that in the past with family members. He doesn't want to lose me so he'd rather be safe than sorry. He is very depressed and moody and when I talk to him on the phone his voice is very flat with no emotion. Before he moved here he would talk so darn fast that I'd have to ask him to slow down and he can jump from subject to subject without ever finishing his original story. He really doesn't have any family members and the friends that he does consider family I don't necessarily get along with because I feel they use him for their own good. I do believe he has good intentions, he sent me money to cover every expense that I lost in canceling hotels, flights and rent a cars at the last minute. I'm trying to do research on bipolar disorder and personality disorders as well and to say I have bitten off more than I can chew is an understatement but I'm willing to put my time and effort as long as he understands this is going to be a challenge for the both of us. He is hoping it wont take him too long to adjust to his meds so that he can be the man that I grew to love over time.

[80anthea]

Sorry I misread what you wrote to start with then. Bipolar is or can be horrendous at times but it also doesn't always have to be like that, it is possible to be stable it can just be frustrating getting there. If you want to talk to anyone about it feel free to send a message to me I can try to help.

[Lovebee]

Oh gosh... I don't know enough about bipolar disorder to really give you any advice, but it sounds as if his manic and depressive episodes are quite severe. It actually encourages me that he is able to recognise the signs of a depressive episode and knows to seek help from a therapist who can adjust his medication for him. It is quite possible that the disruption to his daily routine, and a stressful journey, have triggered a swing in his mood that he hadn't anticipated.

He probably doesn't want you to see him at his very lowest - which will be lower than you might imagine if his disorder is at the extreme end of the spectrum - and wants to have control of his emotions and his behaviour before he sees you. I know I don't want my SO to see me or talk to me when I have a low day, because I worry he won't like what he sees. Also, if he was travelling to see you, the pressure on you both for things to be happy and perfect is quite high, and suddenly he finds himself in a depressive phase and he can't live up to the expectation. I feel pretty sorry for him!

Do some research, scour the Internet for information about his disorder, and educate yourself about what he might be going through. Try to be patient with him. Mental illness is not something he has chosen, he isn't hurting you on purpose. It sounds like he is doing what he can to get a handle on the situation and make it right, but it might take some time. Being angry with him is only going to hurt you both.

Take a deep breath, if you were English I'd advise having a good cup of tea, and have a little patience. Ask him how you can help, and then do what he asks if he asks for your help. Spend some time with your kids, relax, and try to get yourself in a positive mood so that you can better help him.

It sounds to me like he is really trying, so I hope you can both figure this out. Good luck xx

[.:*Shaunna*:.]

I'm really sorry what you are going through Try not to excuse his behaviour with his illness though... something just doesn't sound right. Why would he go to the effort of going to your house (That's if he had instead of looking on Google map) but not even seeing you? Granted he may not be well but something just doesn't sound right. Be careful and I hope it all works out for the best for you

[Laural007]

Oh gosh... I don't know enough about bipolar disorder to really give you any advice, but it sounds as if his manic and depressive episodes are quite severe. It actually encourages me that he is able to recognise the signs of a depressive episode and knows to seek help from a therapist who can adjust his medication for him. It is quite possible that the disruption to his daily routine, and a stressful journey, have triggered a swing in his mood that he hadn't anticipated.

He probably doesn't want you to see him at his very lowest - which will be lower than you might imagine if his disorder is at the extreme end of the spectrum - and wants to have control of his emotions and his behaviour before he sees you. I know I don't want my SO to see me or talk to me when I have a low day, because I worry he won't like what he sees. Also, if he was travelling to see you, the pressure on you both for things to be happy and perfect is quite high, and suddenly he finds himself in a depressive phase and he can't live up to the expectation. I feel pretty sorry for him!

Do some research, scour the Internet for information about his disorder, and educate yourself about what he might be going through. Try to be patient with him. Mental illness is not something he has chosen, he isn't hurting you on purpose. It sounds like he is doing what he can to get a handle on the situation and make it right, but it might take some time. Being angry with him is only going to hurt you both.

Take a deep breath, if you were English I'd advise having a good cup of tea, and have a little patience. Ask him how you can help, and then do what he asks if he asks for your help. Spend some time with your kids, relax, and try to get yourself in a positive mood so that you can better help him.

It sounds to me like he is really trying, so I hope you can both figure this out. Good luck xx

You have some really good points, thank you. When I asked him what changed in him he replied "I went from a very structured life of having my daily routine to having no structure at all. Having to find a job, a place to live and being responsible for two children and a relationship was all too much too handle at once and I went into a depression" "I want everything to be perfect and I'm afraid to fail you". I really am trying to be patient but it's so hard and he has told me several times that he doesn not want me to see him at his lowest point in his life right now.

[Moon]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and what I'm going to say will probably be considered way out of line, but as a parent, I feel I have to. If this guy is afraid he'll harm you, is mentally unstable, and doesn't take his meds, you need to ask yourself if he's really the right type of partner for someone with kids. What if this relationship progresses? Is he honestly someone you want around your children? You know you can't fix him, right? All the love in the world can't force him to take his medication, and the only one that can fix him is himself and his psychiatrist. Feel free to tell me to fuck off, I can take it, but I just had to put that out there. Love can be blind, and if it only affects you, that's fine.

[Jade_Crystal]

I haven't given your profile a read, but the story in this post kind of surprised me. I don't mean to seem intrusive or rude, giving a negative opinion and all, but since you posted it out here for everyone to see, I guess opinions IS what you're looking for, one way or the other, or at least some feedback.
Moving on, I don't think you're being very mature about this. Surely, what he claims to have done seems noble and kind of him, but if you're not going to allow some skepticism to dive in due to the fact that you can see a lot of stuff through Google Maps Street View, then at least have some respect for yourself and the dear ones around you to not let what he's doing affect you or your behavior.
Yes, you love him, but he needs help of the kind not only you cannot offer, but also the kind he will not allow you to offer. It's a little abusive, whether he intends this or not, so try to look out for yourself primarily, especially since there are other people who depend on you (your children, if I got that one right).
Passionate love is fine and dandy and romantic, but you seem to be at a time in life when you need to aim towards practicality more than on the brainless sort of romance young teenage girls and go for. Wait until he can hold responsibility for his actions, for himself... before you bring him next to you and into your life as a reliable partner and until that happens, don't raise your hopes too high. Keep them at a steady, healthy pace.

[Kanga]

Sounds a little bit like my SO, we have been talking about having kids in the next year or two. He is currently in therapy as I made him go, cause he was having some severe issues communicating with me, and problems he hadn't let go from his past that involved abuse. Well he wound up talking to his therapist about having kids with me, the therapist response was similar to what your saying. He said he would collapse under the pressure of having kids any time soon, and would be detrimental to his health. Sounds to me that he feels there is A LOT of pressure on him, and he doesn't want you to see him at his very worst. Ask him what you can do. How you can help, etc.

[LadyDaemon]

Well I will go along with others in saying that it makes no sense to travel all of that way,even if you are bipolar,just to turn around and not see you. Something to me is wrong about that. I mean that's just bizarre,even for someone who's bipolar. And I will also go along with Moon in saying,this should make you think for a minute. If he's afraid to hurt you in any shape,fashion or form now,then what's to say that if in the long run that it wouldn't happen again and not just with you,but your children as well. That just raises a level of concern for me. I think it should for you as well.

[ThePiedPiper]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and what I'm going to say will probably be considered way out of line, but as a parent, I feel I have to. If this guy is afraid he'll harm you, is mentally unstable, and doesn't take his meds, you need to ask yourself if he's really the right type of partner for someone with kids. What if this relationship progresses? Is he honestly someone you want around your children? You know you can't fix him, right? All the love in the world can't force him to take his medication, and the only one that can fix him is himself and his psychiatrist. Feel free to tell me to fuck off, I can take it, but I just had to put that out there. Love can be blind, and if it only affects you, that's fine.

I agree with Moon.

I'm not necessarily going to doubt him having a disorder, but I have never heard of a change of scenery being a trigger for someone with Bipolar disorder. I have never heard of depressive or manic episodes being triggered in people, either, rather that's what comprises Bipolar, is the fact that one goes through a period of mania or hypomania and then experiences a period of depression, with nothing in between and no notable trigger. Bipolar is not "violent" and "rapid" mood swings as many people make it out to be (even rapid cycling isn't "happy one moment and depressed the next") and, much like Clinical Depression, environmental factors can contribute but often are not what sets off the disorder. Now I'm sure there are manifestations of Bipolar left, right, and sideways that I haven't heard of, but this one seems odd to me. :/ I cannot fathom how driving a certain number of miles would make someone go from manic to depressed, unless he's still in a manic phase (although flat affect doesn't fit) or unless it's simply a coincidence.

With that said, everything you are describing sounds terrifying rather than heartbreaking. I would be incredibly perturbed if someone described to me the bloody dog in my backyard but would not even physically reveal themselves to me, let alone for the reason that they were afraid they might snap and hurt me, whether that's emotionally or not. It sounds incredibly stalker-ish, even if you are asking him to describe these things to you. And personally, if he's the sort of person who goes off his meds when he's doing/feeling well, he will always be that person. This is something you need to decide whether or not you can live with. It's one thing when someone wants to seek help, and that will come clear soon enough whether it's for him or you, but it's another thing entirely when it's done solely for the purpose of a relationship. In one you see change, and in the other, you don't. What you're seeing with him right now might, in the worst case scenario, be what you have to deal with from now until the end of the relationship and it's something to consider if this is the man you want to be with and the man you want raising your children. I do not mean to stigmatize, not at all, and I, too, have been diagnosed as "suffering from" mental illness in the past, but I also worked on it, and I know there's a massive difference between someone struggling with mental illness who doesn't want to change and someone who does.

[Dezface]

His symptoms don't classically fit bipolar but hey, what do I know? Either way, you're dealing with someone unstable. You need to really, really, think about what this means for your long term relationship. Being the partner to someone with a mental illness is rough. Someone very close to me is married to a man with bipolar disorder and I've witnessed firsthand the things she's had to go through and the toll its taken on their marriage.

That's not to say people with a mental illness aren't worthy of being in a relationship, not at all. But as the others pointed out, he has to be willing to help himself. He has to want to get it under control. You have to put yourself and your children first.