Update - Not the good kind

[dglynn77]

My sister told me the same thing about google maps but he pointed out exactly what color my dogs were. I have never described nor sent him a picture of them.

Couldn't he have gotten the dog info from Facebook?

I'm sorry but this sounds too crazy to be healthy for you AND YOUR KIDS.

It is a very weird situation and I completly agree with you but it's hard to let go of someone you have invested so much time and effort into.

I think you need to take a step back, look after your safety, and also be sure you are not getting scammed.
Honestly, I am sad to say this sounds like a classic scam tactic.
I don't know what he wants from you, be it money or something else, but you need to be careful!!!
Think smart. He could find out anything about you from the internet. ANYTHING. And make it sound so convincing because you trust him.

Hugs.

[LadyDaemon]

I agree with Moon.

I'm not necessarily going to doubt him having a disorder, but I have never heard of a change of scenery being a trigger for someone with Bipolar disorder. I have never heard of depressive or manic episodes being triggered in people, either, rather that's what comprises Bipolar, is the fact that one goes through a period of mania or hypomania and then experiences a period of depression, with nothing in between and no notable trigger. Bipolar is not "violent" and "rapid" mood swings as many people make it out to be (even rapid cycling isn't "happy one moment and depressed the next") and, much like Clinical Depression, environmental factors can contribute but often are not what sets off the disorder. Now I'm sure there are manifestations of Bipolar left, right, and sideways that I haven't heard of, but this one seems odd to me. :/ I cannot fathom how driving a certain number of miles would make someone go from manic to depressed, unless he's still in a manic phase (although flat affect doesn't fit) or unless it's simply a coincidence.

With that said, everything you are describing sounds terrifying rather than heartbreaking. I would be incredibly perturbed if someone described to me the bloody dog in my backyard but would not even physically reveal themselves to me, let alone for the reason that they were afraid they might snap and hurt me, whether that's emotionally or not. It sounds incredibly stalker-ish, even if you are asking him to describe these things to you. And personally, if he's the sort of person who goes off his meds when he's doing/feeling well, he will always be that person. This is something you need to decide whether or not you can live with. It's one thing when someone wants to seek help, and that will come clear soon enough whether it's for him or you, but it's another thing entirely when it's done solely for the purpose of a relationship. In one you see change, and in the other, you don't. What you're seeing with him right now might, in the worst case scenario, be what you have to deal with from now until the end of the relationship and it's something to consider if this is the man you want to be with and the man you want raising your children. I do not mean to stigmatize, not at all, and I, too, have been diagnosed as "suffering from" mental illness in the past, but I also worked on it, and I know there's a massive difference between someone struggling with mental illness who doesn't want to change and someone who does.

This. I had a friend who was on the most severe end of the bipolar spectrum and yet she traveled across states just fine and has done so many times. I myself have Clinical Depression and I don't have a problem with traveling either. But what I would like to know is,if he thought he was going to be any kind of threat or have any kind of problem then why did he bother to make the trip anyway? Most people know what their limits are and what can trigger them. Surely he knew his own limits and triggers and it doesn't make sense that he just up and canceled all of your travel arrangements and then arranged his own if the traveling was supposedly a trigger for him.

I also have a hard time with the fact that he wasn't comfortable enough to come see you,but he was comfortable enough to supposedly sit outside your house long enough to make such detailed descriptions about your home and pets. That to me would scream creeper. I understand you love the man,but yours and your childrens safety come first above all else.

[ThePiedPiper]

I also have a hard time with the fact that he wasn't comfortable enough to come see you,but he was comfortable enough to supposedly sit outside your house long enough to make such detailed descriptions about your home and pets. That to me would scream creeper. I understand you love the man,but yours and your childrens safety come first above all else.

Yes, this.

[Riyko]

To add to the stalkerish behavior comments, it might be the CSI student in me or from watching too many shows on investigation discovery, but I'd truly be really very concerned with his behavior as that can also be part of the behavior that psychopaths exhibit (take the jodi arias case for example she exhibited really similar symptoms and she's border line personality as well as psychopathic, it got to the point where she was stalking him and he wouldn't always know she was there like when she'd sneak into his house through the doggie door, sleep on his couch at night and leave before him and his roommates would wake up). I don't want to scare you at all, but it's something to think about especially with having kids they should be safe if it ever happened to turn out like the above example.

[barret95]

I'm not very experienced in relationships but, to me, if he won't see you yet he is willing to act like a stalker (sitting outside your house ect) then my honest opinion is that you need to double think if he will be compatible with the kids. especially with his illness.
it sounds very creepy to me that he doesn't want you to see him, I mean, if you do someday get marry him you're going to take care of him in sickness and in health right? so shouldn't it be a good opportunity to see and care for him when he is at his worst?

hey, don't mind me my SO is my very first relationship so I don't know that much. I'm just trying to consider your safety and the safety of your kids

[Laural007]

I understand all your concerns and there are many things from from his background that have a huge impact on the way he behaves. He understands he needs help and that is the reason he will not let me see him. He also understands that he will not be around my kids until his medication takes effect and that I know my children are safe. I will never ever put my children at risk, they will always come first.

He has an appointment Thursday (tomorrow) with a physiatrist and he has agreed to letting me sit in so I can understand what he is going through.

[monkinlove]

I thought I would add my two cents into the mix. I don't know a lot about bipolar either, however, I do know A LOT about anxiety being that I had a moderate form of anxiety attacks and my best friend had severe anxiety. That being said, my friend who had severe anxiety had triggers such as sudden change. Especially travel. This would cause major panic attacks. Sometimes to the point where he felt paralyzed etc. This would also impact his moods tremendously. My friend moved from New Mexico to California and had to drive (because he had a huge phobia of flying). He was able to make the drive with his Mom's help driving, but his adjustment to California literally took about a year of really extreme incidents and issues of depression, panic attacks, and various other difficulties. My friend is doing well now in Cali (for the most part), but now he doesn't really travel outside of California. It took him a while to travel just the northern part of California. I don't think he's gone to Southern California and he's been there for about 7 years now.

I also have another friend who has mild bipolar issues and I've very briefly dated a girl who was bipolar. So it seems to me he has some issues with bipolar mixed in with anxiety attacks which would account for his inability to adapt to changes well. I would see if he is willing to get some free counseling through UNMH (University of New Mexico Hospital) and also he can get some free med help through their mental health program as well. I had to go through all of that years and years ago.

So just some thoughts. I echo other's concerns to be safe and careful, but it sounds like you are doing that for the most part. However, I personally don't think it sounds fishy that he is freaking out to change. Change for many people (even a new job) is anxiety inducing. However, for people with panic attacks change causes even greater anxiety. And more change causes even more anxiety. So what all you have said about his situation makes some sense to me.

[Black_Halloween]

I'm glad that he's being open with you about it and seeking treatment. Stay strong!

[Kanga]

Good luck with everything.

[Lovebee]

Wow, I feel like people are being quite harsh about him here... A lot of people have cautioned you about how he needs to want to change, but to me he has already demonstrated that by acknowledging he needs to see a therapist and get his meds sorted, and that he needs time for his new meds to balance him out. He DOES want to change and get back to a good state in his life, but he has a hard time including you in the process. If he's in a mess, I don't blame him. You're the one who asked for proof that he had really made the trip, and how else was he supposed to prove it? If he's not ready to see you, respect his boundaries. He's trying.

Mental illness is so very complex that even the healthcare professionals have to guess a lot of the time, and every single human brain is wired differently. I think people are unfair to judge what is "normal" bipolar behaviour. He may have a slightly different disorder which is bracketed with bipolar disorder. I am a "healthy" person and I find moving a distressing and difficult experience. It must be ten times worse for him.

Either way, I agree that you need to consider if you can handle this in your life. You will always have to be prepared to come second to his illness, his illness will not go away just because you feel unloved or neglected. If you can't be that strong person, ultimately you won't help him or yourself.

I hope the therapy session goes well. Be strong, be his support, because it sounds like he is no fit state to be your support right now.

[Verojoon]

Laura, I just wanted to tell you that I know you are a wonderful mom and that you will look after your kids first. It's obvious that they are your life and I have absolutely no doubt that their dafety and well-being will come first in any decision you make.

That being said, I understand why there was so much negative feedback, because it all sounds so strange... I really don't know what advice to give you or how I would react in your situation... I just wanted to tell you I'd been thinking of you and was planning to text you for an update tonight... (before I saw this post)

*hugs*

[Hollandia]

I have a a bi-polar teen. She is an absolute expert in lying. She is quite convincing to both herself and many others when she gets it in her head to do so. When she does not wish to do something , for whatever inane or reasonable sounding reason, she won't do it. She will hunker down and dig in and you are screwed. She will make it sound like she tried to do whatever it was, but truth is, she just did not wish to do it.

She has done this to me, her best girl friends, her boyfriends, her teachers, her coaches.............it really does not matter.

It sounds like he decided he does not want to do this. You have to deal with this. You cannot allow someone with a manageable mental instability to react to normal instances in a abnormal way. You cannot make excuses for their behavior because of the illness or you might as well put them in a home now. If his mental instability has become non-manageable than you need to think of yourself first and get out now.

I won't say how many years of therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists and meds my kids has had but it is quite a few. You have to use tough love at times and only recently have I been getting positive outcomes from it....just today she hates me for waking her for school and can get quite mean, nasty, and outright lie to get out of doing it. This is a lifelong thing, you don't just get over it.

She is diagnosed as "Moderate NOS Bi-polar Disorder", is he mild, moderate or severe?

Feel free to PM me if you want.

[Hollandia]

Wow, I feel like people are being quite harsh about him here... A lot of people have cautioned you about how he needs to want to change, but to me he has already demonstrated that by acknowledging he needs to see a therapist and get his meds sorted, and that he needs time for his new meds to balance him out. He DOES want to change and get back to a good state in his life, but he has a hard time including you in the process. If he's in a mess, I don't blame him. You're the one who asked for proof that he had really made the trip, and how else was he supposed to prove it? If he's not ready to see you, respect his boundaries. He's trying.

Mental illness is so very complex that even the healthcare professionals have to guess a lot of the time, and every single human brain is wired differently. I think people are unfair to judge what is "normal" bipolar behaviour. He may have a slightly different disorder which is bracketed with bipolar disorder. I am a "healthy" person and I find moving a distressing and difficult experience. It must be ten times worse for him.

Either way, I agree that you need to consider if you can handle this in your life. You will always have to be prepared to come second to his illness, his illness will not go away just because you feel unloved or neglected. If you can't be that strong person, ultimately you won't help him or yourself.

I hope the therapy session goes well. Be strong, be his support, because it sounds like he is no fit state to be your support right now.

According to my kid's docs you really can't create a different tier for their behavior. You can make some allowances but to get out of "special" and into main stream you really have to learn to adjust. Think about mild/moderate bi-polar like dyslexia, you still have to function in society with society's rules, you just need to learn different coping mechanisms to do them. In my kid's case if she cannot learn to cope and function she will end up in a placement. If she can she will get into a college when she graduates and be able to support herself at some point.

[ThePiedPiper]

Wow, I feel like people are being quite harsh about him here... A lot of people have cautioned you about how he needs to want to change, but to me he has already demonstrated that by acknowledging he needs to see a therapist and get his meds sorted, and that he needs time for his new meds to balance him out. He DOES want to change and get back to a good state in his life, but he has a hard time including you in the process. If he's in a mess, I don't blame him. You're the one who asked for proof that he had really made the trip, and how else was he supposed to prove it? If he's not ready to see you, respect his boundaries. He's trying.

Mental illness is so very complex that even the healthcare professionals have to guess a lot of the time, and every single human brain is wired differently. I think people are unfair to judge what is "normal" bipolar behaviour. He may have a slightly different disorder which is bracketed with bipolar disorder. I am a "healthy" person and I find moving a distressing and difficult experience. It must be ten times worse for him.

Either way, I agree that you need to consider if you can handle this in your life. You will always have to be prepared to come second to his illness, his illness will not go away just because you feel unloved or neglected. If you can't be that strong person, ultimately you won't help him or yourself.

I hope the therapy session goes well. Be strong, be his support, because it sounds like he is no fit state to be your support right now.

The reason that disorders exist in the first place is because there is a set of criteria that one must meet in order to fit the diagnosis. Yes, there are varying severities. Yes, there are varying symptoms. Yes, there is always the chance for comorbidity, but no one is saying that this is not the result of a secondary disorder. People are saying that this pathology is not commonly symptomatic of Bipolar Disorder Type I or II and they are doing nothing but stating a fact. Bipolar is a disorder characterised by changing moods. You're either manic (or hypomanic) or you're depressed (or dysthymic, in some cases). While the stress-diathysis model suggests that stress, above a person's threshold, can bring a dormant disorder to the surface, there is no theory, at least as far as I'm aware, that suggests that the mood swings of Bipolar are triggered. Otherwise, it would not be considered Bipolar Disorder.

Also, staying with someone with mental illness does not make you a "strong" person any more than leaving someone with mental illness makes you a weak one. If he is not able to control his mental illness and is not willing to seek help for it, as in he repeatedly goes off his meds because he's "better" (as many people do), then it is perfectly reasonable to take oneself and their children into consideration. It does not make them weak for not wanting to deal with situations like this on a regular basis, operating under the assumption that going off meds when he feels better or is in a manic phase is a pattern for him. *shrug* Sometimes being a strong person means taking care of yourself when you're with someone who does not want to get better; either you stay stuck with them or you move forward. I think it's unfair to say "if you can't be that strong person..." just because someone might not be compatible with someone with a mental illness who does not want to get better. That's like calling someone weak because they could no longer stay in a relationship with someone with Schizophrenia who had become completely consumed by their delusions. I say this, of course, if this continues to be an issue, as of course I hope this is the wake up call he needs to realise he needs to stay on his meds.

However, I simply wanted to point that no one discounted comorbidity and a few people even mentioned it themselves. They were simply saying that this is not symptomatic of BPD, which is being used as the excuse.

[Lovebee]

RE: two previous posts, I agree that a behavioural framework needs to be in place, but it should be something set out by his therapeutic team, so that he is aware of how he is expected to behave, what is appropriate or inappropriate etc. If "tough love" is employed without his agreement to a programme, this could become a barrier between them.

I also agree that his disorder is not an excuse, but I do feel that his behaviour needs a degree of understanding and compassion. Not to say it should be condoned, but it shouldn't be condemned.

My intention on the strength point was not to suggest that it's a strong vs weak situation. As I read the original post, the OP felt that the situation was difficult to bear from her point of view, but I don't view this as weakness. Choosing to leave him would be equally strong as choosing to stay with him, I was trying to suggest that a degree of emotional toughness might be required to cope with the demands of this situation.

I don't think it's the place of this forum to diagnose him as bipolar or otherwise. I felt there was a strong sense of negativity towards the OP's SO, which I personally don't think was warranted, given how little we know about him, his disorder and the situation as a whole.

OP, I hope that sitting in on therapy with him was helpful for you both. Apologies if this thread has digressed from being advice to you to being a debate about managing a difficult mental disorder - I feel rather responsible.