Update - Not the good kind

[ThePiedPiper]

Well I can certainly say that there was none from my end, as far as negativity, but rather a sense of healthy skepticism based on the sense he's blaming this on a disorder for which the symptoms don't fit. I also did not realise she asked him to describe her house etc., though I still find the situation plain weird. If I came off as condemning mental illness, then I'm sorry, because I certainly was not. Having been misdiagnosed with Bipolar for ~4 years, I certainly do not stigmatize it and did not mean to come across in that way. But I have seen people blame "symptoms" on illnesses that don't exist or they do (but sans that symptom) and I think that that was my big thing, was to watch out for that because it, unfortunately, happens. :/

[Hollandia]

RE: two previous posts, I agree that a behavioural framework needs to be in place, but it should be something set out by his therapeutic team, so that he is aware of how he is expected to behave, what is appropriate or inappropriate etc. If "tough love" is employed without his agreement to a programme, this could become a barrier between them.

I also agree that his disorder is not an excuse, but I do feel that his behaviour needs a degree of understanding and compassion. Not to say it should be condoned, but it shouldn't be condemned.

My intention on the strength point was not to suggest that it's a strong vs weak situation. As I read the original post, the OP felt that the situation was difficult to bear from her point of view, but I don't view this as weakness. Choosing to leave him would be equally strong as choosing to stay with him, I was trying to suggest that a degree of emotional toughness might be required to cope with the demands of this situation.

I don't think it's the place of this forum to diagnose him as bipolar or otherwise. I felt there was a strong sense of negativity towards the OP's SO, which I personally don't think was warranted, given how little we know about him, his disorder and the situation as a whole.

OP, I hope that sitting in on therapy with him was helpful for you both. Apologies if this thread has digressed from being advice to you to being a debate about managing a difficult mental disorder - I feel rather responsible.

First let me just say that this is not OT, IF her SO has bi-polar it is very much far from not important for her to hear about. She needs to have both eyes open about the all the good and bad if her SO has this disease. With both eyes open she should then decide for herself what she can and cannot handle and how she wishes to move forward. This is not a good subject to sugar coat, you need the nitty gritty ugly side as well as the wonderful loving people that have it.

I have no negativity towards anyone with Bi-polar disorder. I love my kid. I would die for her and I would do anything for her not to have been born Bi-polar. I have learned to face the bull face on. You must address any and every red flag that arises. I see the glass as neither half full or half empty, it is simply 50 percent full.

Bi-polar, whether he has it or not, from my experience needs to be dealt with. I have stated that if she was ready to accept the person with a manageable mental instability then that is up to her, but if he is not manageable then it could become a dangerous situation for her. This was why I asked if he was mild, moderate or servere. There is a huge difference between the three. People that are severe are generally all placed. I doubt this is the case here.

I don't really just consider forcing someone with this disorder to be responsible for their own reactions as creating a barrier. It is showing the person you love them enough to do what is needed instead of being an enabler. I do also know quite a lot about Bi-polar disorder, from the therapies, the meds, the symptoms and what your best and worse case scenarios can by. Nobody said anything about not being understanding or compassionate and certainly not condemning them. You can also not sit back with the whole kum-ba-yah and watch your loved one regress, you can push and fight till damn near their breaking point to get them to be who they came be. In the OP's case she is well within her rights to expect him to do as he said and come and visit her. Excuse after excuse is a HUGE red flag to me.

I will also say the AI Dupont Children's Hospital diagnosed my daughter at the age of seven. I have ridden this ride in several different stages. I sat in with her docs for most of them. She has taken almost every med know to mankind for it, some of them were anti seizure meds as well as depressants and mood stabilizers and I watched her lie,cheat and steal to get out of doing things she did not wish to do on all of them (meds are not a quick fix), sometimes just as little as doing the dishes to just waking up. This is not putting her down or the OP's SO on it, this is Bi-Polar. This is not uncommon with Bi-polar disorder. The docs say that they can become very self-centric, meaning they have a hard time deal looking at the big picture and the repercussions down the road then those without this disorder. It would actually be neglectful not to help them to realize that there is more to this world than what is unpleasant for them to deal at this moment or too pleasant to would to stop. This is just of the food for thought to take into consideration when the OP decides how to help her SO to live with bi-polar, if he has it, or whether she needs to move on because she does not think she will be able to handle the constant ups and downs of this disorder. If she is going to live with someone with Bi-polar disorder than she really should be doing some research on it and talking to people that have it, work in the field, or those that are like here that have a loved one with it.

[Hollandia]

Well I can certainly say that there was none from my end, as far as negativity, but rather a sense of healthy skepticism based on the sense he's blaming this on a disorder for which the symptoms don't fit. I also did not realise she asked him to describe her house etc., though I still find the situation plain weird. If I came off as condemning mental illness, then I'm sorry, because I certainly was not. Having been misdiagnosed with Bipolar for ~4 years, I certainly do not stigmatize it and did not mean to come across in that way. But I have seen people blame "symptoms" on illnesses that don't exist or they do (but sans that symptom) and I think that that was my big thing, was to watch out for that because it, unfortunately, happens. :/

You are absolutely right. It does become a crutch for them if their loved ones allow it to be. It is not negative to state the obvious, when red flags happen, they should be addressed. Look at the stats. People with bi-polar disorder can lose control of their life if they don't have people in it that can be loving and supportive while making them face the chores of daily life they need to do to be a productive part of society. It is a harder battle for them, but this is the lot they were dealt and they need to learn to self soothe and work through facing their inner demons and meeting the same challenges that people not born bi-polar do.

You are also right that many many people especially kids are diagnosed with it, that simply don't have it. It seems to have become a "popular" diagnosis and the immense amount of meds and therapy bills do make much of it suspect.

I don't really think most were being negative at all. They were calling it as they saw it. It is up to the OP to decide which advice to listen to and which advice to ignore. I also think we are all here for her in whatever capacity she needs it.

[LadyDaemon]

I don't think it's the place of this forum to diagnose him as bipolar or otherwise. I felt there was a strong sense of negativity towards the OP's SO, which I personally don't think was warranted, given how little we know about him, his disorder and the situation as a whole.

I will first start by saying that nobody here is diagnosing him. There was no negativity towards the OPs SO,but rather as others have said,a healthy level of skepticism based upon the details the OP provided. There are details in her original post about her SO that are not typical of those with Bi-polar.

I myself have friends with varying severities of Bi-polar and yet all travel just fine and all know what their triggers are. If this man is an adult,can use basic logic and has been this way all of his life then I would think he would know his own triggers by now and therefore would not have canceled her travel arrangements and made his own knowing said triggers. That just doesn't make sense. Also,as I said before it doesn't make sense to me that he felt comfortable enough to travel to her house,not be triggered and sit and describe in detail about her house and pets,but didn't feel comfortable enough and was triggered by traveling across states. I would think if you were triggered by traveling in general across states you would not even feel comfortable enough to travel to your SOs house. This particular part of the OPs post concerns me greatly.

The truth of the matter is this,as much as there should be understanding and compassion about a possible mental disorder here,we also don't need to condone him using it as an excuse not to see his SO and hurting her if in fact he doesn't really have said mental disorder. I feel personally that there is good enough reason for everyone to question what is going on and that is in no way negative.

[Jazi]

If this guy is afraid he'll harm you, is mentally unstable, and doesn't take his meds, you need to ask yourself if he's really the right type of partner for someone with kids. What if this relationship progresses? Is he honestly someone you want around your children? You know you can't fix him, right? All the love in the world can't force him to take his medication, and the only one that can fix him is himself

I also have a hard time with the fact that he wasn't comfortable enough to come see you,but he was comfortable enough to supposedly sit outside your house long enough to make such detailed descriptions about your home and pets. That to me would scream creeper. I understand you love the man,but yours and your childrens safety come first above all else.

I agree with the posts I quoted above ^ From your OP Laural I had HUGE red flags going through my brain as I was reading it... It doesn't really matter to me if he has mental disorders, he could have anything under the sun and I would question his motives and yours for wanting to continue into a relationship with someone who is acting this unstable in the beginnings of a relationship - it really doesn't set up the foundations for a long stable relationship... I'm sorry to say.

I understand all your concerns and there are many things from from his background that have a huge impact on the way he behaves. He understands he needs help and that is the reason he will not let me see him. He also understands that he will not be around my kids until his medication takes effect and that I know my children are safe. I will never ever put my children at risk, they will always come first.

He has an appointment Thursday (tomorrow) with a physiatrist and he has agreed to letting me sit in so I can understand what he is going through.

I can see that you also aren't exactly looking for our advice on whether you should continue a relationship with him, we aren't invested in it like you are and are only going off this strange behaviour - so I really wish you the best and would like to hear what happened with the psychiatrist appointment if you're willing to share with us