Need some advice on my situation please

[jameson]

My girlfriend Nicole and I have been dating since January. She's such a sweet and lovely girl, I'm just crazy about her. She lives one hour away from me, so it's not terribly far, but frustrating nonetheless. So we've dealt with distance the whole relationship, but now it's getting a little complicated.

When we started dating I only had a part-time job at my grandfather's pizza shop. So I worked about 25-30 hours a week, days off on Tues and Weds. She had just gotten a new full-time job at a grocery store when we started dating, her off days varied, sometimes Weds/Thurs, sometimes Thurs/Fri. But it was just a lot easier to see each other then. I would take off days here and there too because it was very simple to do.

I have just recently started a full-time job. About to start 3rd shift. I go in Sunday night at 11 (that's our monday) and then our "friday" is Thursday night. So I'm done work for the week Friday at 7am. So we're really trying to find ways to see each other, but I know it's going to get tough. She works days and she's usually done at 1pm. So on Friday I can drive down to her place at 2-3pm after sleeping. And sleep over, probably just sleep in Saturday morning until she comes home from work at 1pm. We're also planning to meet up during weekday evenings. Her car isn't too great right now so I think I'd like to try and go to her place more than her visiting me.

There's also the potential of me maybe working mandatory overtime on Saturdays. Which generally sucks in the first place, I just don't want to be stuck with too many of those because that will obviously cut into my time with her.

So I don't know what else to say. Any advice on how to keep this going well? I miss the girl so damn much when we're not together and it can get pretty lonely. I have other friends but it's difficult to meet up with them. Any advice on how to work with our situation? We text a lot and I usually call her once a day too. Sometimes we run out of things to talk about since we talk every day, but we get along so well. We've fought for about 2 second twice in the whole time we've been dating. She's just such a sweet girl who I very much enjoy having as a big part of my life and I really want it to work out. I'm not currently having problems with it because she's crazy about me too, and very willing to make an effort to see me. I'm just here trying to find advice in general.

Her brother and his girlfriend only see each other on weekends and they've been dating for 5 years. I'm not sure how long they've been dealing with a "weekend only" situation but it's obviously working.

[Efox]

for one..........you have to thank god that you can atleast see her once a week or in 2 weeks, id do anything to be in your situation right now, and 2 i really think you should try and move closer to her? work somewhere there? if you really love her that much, try that :/

[Black_Halloween]

I get that its frustrating but you need to be thankful that shes only an hour away and you'll get to see each other every weekend. You haven't been together for that long for me to suggest moving in together. Honestly just keep doing what you're doing.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

One of the problems you're going to find here is that a lot of people aren't going to have a lot of sympathy, because there are a lot of members who don't see partners for months at a time. I'm 10 months through a whole year apart and I'm extremely jealous (in a very friendly way)

The thing that worries me isn't how little you get to see her, but how little you seem to be putting into your independent life. You said you don't see friends very often. I can understand that you want to spend every possible free moment with her, I mean, who doesn't feel that temptation? But by using all your free time just to see her, you're missing out on other aspects of your life. You said her brother and his girlfriend only see each other on weekends, for five years, and you wonder why it works - it's probably because they have their own lives and their own friends, and when it comes to being long distance, having those things to help distract you is a god send. Even just having your own hobby to do on your days off, fishing, golfing, painting, playing music, swimming. It's all part of being your own person, and if you want to survive an LDR, you need to learn how to be alone.

You also said sometimes you find there's nothing to talk about. If you're texting all day and calling every day, you're constantly updating her on everything that's going on in your life immediately, so when you actually have time to just focus on talking... You've told her everything. This is something that can be helped by what I've said about having your own life and friends. It's going to be unpopular with you, but do use some of your free time for yourself and your other relationships. Because if this goes tits up, what will you have left? A handful of half friends who you never bothered with when you were in love? On top of that, if you spend time with them, you'll have something extra to talk to your SO about, and also have had time away from each other to have your own lives.

I'm sorry that you're struggling a bit with dealing with this, but I think you need to reassess your priorities so you spend your time in a more balanced way. Driving to see her every free second you have is so tempting, I can totally see why you do it, but if you want your relationship to work out, you need to live your own life too. It gives you a distraction when you miss her, develops stronger relationships with your friends - who will be there if things get tough or fall apart, and gives you more to talk to her about. And if you really love her, you want her to see her friends and do some of her own stuff too, don't you?

[Jade_Crystal]

I'm very sorry and I don't mean to be rude here at all, or judgmental, and all I'm providing will be my personal opinion and perspective of things, since you put your story out here on the forum for anyone to comment.

First of all, your relationship doesn't sound like that much of an LDR compared to the majority of this site who have SOs living in other countries for the most of it, and others even on other continents.
That of course doesn't imply it's easy to maintain a relationship in your circumstances, but it means that it's very easy for you to change your circumstances to begin with. It's an hour drive away. You could simply find a job in her town or she could in yours (especially since you don't have jobs that tie you to the places, related to business or corporations), and you could easily move in together then.

Until then, you already talk daily. Running out of things to talk about is even a sign that you may be interacting too much. Having some time apart, realistically, without interacting even via text or phone call, would consist of real time apart. Time apart for even some days is a healthy occasional thing that should happen within any relationship.
It's a mistake many couples make by lacking it, whether they're just in the dating phase or are already married. Time apart is important and doesn't imply that the relationship has a problem or an impasse or that you have a problem with the person. It just means you actually have a life and that's important.

Keep in mind you're presenting your case to people who might be spending a couple grand each year or each second year, if at all, to see each other and who would give anything to be in as easy situation as you are, to even see their SO for a day. They will sympathize, but there's not much advice that could be given that isn't already obvious as the clear blue sky.

[lyonsgirl]

I just want to say to those posters who are saying "it's not really a LDR".... it is. Who's to judge what's an LDR and what isn't? The couple in the relationship - not everyone else. So if an hour distance is a LDR because their work schedules are completely opposite or their parents have to drive them and can't because of whatever reason, it's a LDR. Two hours may not seem like a lot of travel time, but it does add up, and very quickly. You may spend thousands of dollars on airplane tickets, but chances are, you get to see your SO for weeks, if not months, at a time. This distance will probably mean the couple gets to spend a few hours together at a time. So, maybe instead of basically crapping on someone else's relationship because you don't think it's long distance, be happy you get to spend extended periods of time with your SO and essentially "temporarily close the distance" for more than just a few hours. Sorry, but this really bugs me when people say that another couple isn't "really" in a LDR. Because, in comparison, I'm not in a LDR to anyone who lives across the ocean or in a different country. We don't have to deal with visas or any of the nonsense y'all do, but we are very much still apart more than we are together.

To the OP: Have you looked for different jobs? You didn't mention your ages, so I'm going to assume that you both still live with your parents and are either in high school or have just graduated and aren't in college yet (or aren't planning to, which honestly, is better for some people). So... I'm going with like, 18-20 age range. Also, stop comparing your relationship to her brother's. You and your SO are not her brother and his SO. I know it's hard, but the second you start comparing your relationship to someone else's, although it's unintentional, it becomes a competition. It's just how we, as humans, are. (Trust me, though, I'm still struggling with this and know that I always will) Do you plan on taking over your grandfather's pizza shop, or is this just a job because you need a source of income? What about her? Is she in a job where she truly wants to be for a significant amount of time, or is there a path she'd rather be on? Talk to her. Sit down with her the next time you see her and talk through what you want. I think maybe you also need to have a "where do we see this going" talk regarding your relationship - especially if either of you are looking into getting a new job to be near the other.

[TwoThree]

Wow. The amount of butthurt in this thread is impressive. I see my SO twice a year, we live in different continents and I need a visa just to visit him, and yet I don't feel the need to assert my "superiority" towards those people who have the NERVE to live only one-hour drive away from their girlfriend. This guy asked for advice for his specific problems, not for people to tell him whether or not his LDR is real.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

First of all, your relationship doesn't sound like that much of an LDR compared to the majority of this site who have SOs living in other countries for the most of it, and others even on other continents.

I think people come to this website because they're struggling enough with the distance that they feel like they need the support, regardless of how large or small that distance is. I agree that there are things the OP can do to make things easier, but there are things we don't know about that might restrict them from those decisions. No one particularly chooses to be in an LDR, it's a product of circumstance. And we're not aware of all the variables that prevent them from being together. I think it's important to focus on the fact that the OP feels down enough about the distance that he'd like some support, rather than focusing on whether or not his distance deems him worthy of it.

[Moon]

I'm very sorry and I don't mean to be rude here at all, or judgmental, and all I'm providing will be my personal opinion and perspective of things, since you put your story out here on the forum for anyone to comment.

First of all, your relationship doesn't sound like that much of an LDR compared to the majority of this site who have SOs living in other countries for the most of it, and others even on other continents.
That of course doesn't imply it's easy to maintain a relationship in your circumstances, but it means that it's very easy for you to change your circumstances to begin with. It's an hour drive away. You could simply find a job in her town or she could in yours (especially since you don't have jobs that tie you to the places, related to business or corporations), and you could easily move in together then.

Until then, you already talk daily. Running out of things to talk about is even a sign that you may be interacting too much. Having some time apart, realistically, without interacting even via text or phone call, would consist of real time apart. Time apart for even some days is a healthy occasional thing that should happen within any relationship.
It's a mistake many couples make by lacking it, whether they're just in the dating phase or are already married. Time apart is important and doesn't imply that the relationship has a problem or an impasse or that you have a problem with the person. It just means you actually have a life and that's important.

Keep in mind you're presenting your case to people who might be spending a couple grand each year or each second year, if at all, to see each other and who would give anything to be in as easy situation as you are, to even see their SO for a day. They will sympathize, but there's not much advice that could be given that isn't already obvious as the clear blue sky.

Aren't you a little new here to be judging people's definition of LDR? If this guy feels being an hour away is a problem, well, then it is. There are many members here who are no longer LD, that does not make them any less valuable to the community, or mean their problems are less worthy of advice.

[Tooki]

*Insert 'Boy...that escalated pic'*

Anyway, once you know more on your working situation, try and plan around that. Would it be possible for her to visit you on Thursday/Friday whenever you both have off-days.

They key is to find your working rosters ASAP and find free time where either of you two can visit the other. Besides that, you can always try to alter your work hours and get her to do the same (like having two day periods off at the same time) etc.

Good luck.

[arrah5]

I can relate... my LDR is more of a "medium" distance relationship compared to others here, my SO lives 2 hours 15 minutes away, if I speed...

What you're doing is actually great! Its good to miss her, and for her to miss you. I have been seeing my SO since December and it kills me when we cant spend more time together, but honestly I think if we lived closer, we would be in each other's back pocket constantly. We have just settled into the "we cant talk on the phone all day everyday and still have things to talk about" phase... It happens, as well as the comfortable in the relationship phase. The newness has worn off and while we still miss each other all the damn time, it has gotten easier. We both have, our own lives to live, and we share the details of our lives when we talk. There are lots of small things that you can do that help you feel more connected to your SO that I can tell you about if you want to chat.

In the meantime, you're doing great! You have plenty of opportunity to see each other, and it sounds like you are taking advantage of it. Mandatory OT sucks, I know, I have some this weekend as well. I also work 3rd shift, and we start on Sundays too! So I really can relate. But take it in stride and remember OT doesn't last forever, eventually you get caught up, and you'll have more money to use to visit her.

[jameson]

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. Really helps.

Just a lot to get used to with this new job. New lifestyle now, etc. The added stress of missing my girlfriend doesn't help matters.

I also didn't mean anything by mentioning how close we lived to one another. It's still a long distance relationship to me, obviously not as long distance as others, but the term LDR still applies, I'd say.

It was just such an easy life for me for a while there. I had my dinky little pizza shop job where I was always off Tues/Weds and I'd visit her gauranteed for at least 2-3 days. Now it's getting tougher and just stressing me out.

She doesn't like her job and she's trying to apply for this job with weekends off, so we'll see. I absolutely despise my new job too, so we'll see how long I can go without losing my mind.

You're right though, told my girlfriend the other day that i do need some hobbies. I've been kind of depressed lately and can't keep my mind off of bullcrap, so that would help. My hobbies included disc golf and running/lifting weights. But this new job is all lifting and my feet hurt after work. So only sometimes do I go disc golfing.

[Zephii]

Wow some people here are arseholes! Please excuse that! The vast majority of us aren't like that, so stick around.

I don't know what disc golfing is, I should google this.

Anyway, any time things change there's going to be an adjustment period and then after a while it'll be "just the way things are" and you'll hardly notice. I do wonder if perhaps you couldn't both move 30 minutes closer to each other and commute, but maybe it's a bit soon for that. Anyway, your love is really adorable! Maybe you can find a hobby you can do together? Something crafty so you're not on your feet?

Welcome to the forums.

[marbear31]

Wow some people here are arseholes! Please excuse that! The vast majority of us aren't like that, so stick around.

I don't know what disc golfing is, I should google this.

Anyway, any time things change there's going to be an adjustment period and then after a while it'll be "just the way things are" and you'll hardly notice. I do wonder if perhaps you couldn't both move 30 minutes closer to each other and commute, but maybe it's a bit soon for that. Anyway, your love is really adorable! Maybe you can find a hobby you can do together? Something crafty so you're not on your feet?

Welcome to the forums.

Preach it Zeph! <3

Anyways, welcome! I think people have given you great advice already, but I like the idea of a crafty thing or a "special" thing you two do together while apart. If it's harder to talk with your work shift, maybe you can do something romantic like start a letter to her at the beginning of the week and add to it a little every night when you get home--kinda go all adorably old fashioned, you know? (I love love LOVE getting letters from my SO. ) You could also start a list of "Reasons Why I Love You," and add one every night when you get back from work until you have a good amount, and then give it to her for an anniversary or other special occasion.

Best of luck! Hope to see you around!

[Hollandia]

I get both sides of this. It is very hard for some to hear how hard it is to not see their SO but every weekend that are separated by time zones and countries. I know I am very lucky to be with mine for 90 days straight every 90 days or so.( give or take bumpers) I can't "compete" with those that only get a few weeks together and I also can't really comprehend the "pain" one week is apart either. It is not a contest of pain. We all share it.

This all being said. Our situations are all different. Moving forward............................I think that when away from your loved one you do whatever you can think of to keep things interesting. Chat gets boring everyday. I love it and need it ,but it does just get a bit stale. Movies and Tv shows are fun. I send him Quizzes and vids and funny or interesting links sometimes. We joined a forum together and share the handle with different color fonts to differentiate.

We make lists of future things to do together and playlists of music to listen too. I take my alone time to try out new recipes to cook for him and then share then with him. He makes a new closet for me to share our clothes in. I would focus on the positive. Plan picnics online and then enjoy them in person that weekend. Plan what meals to cook and then learn to cook them together. Just have fun and enjoy these unique times as much as you can and know it is only temporary if that is what you both want in the long run.