Interesting Comments - Needed Conversation upon SO's Return

[Kiyama]

He has a serious attitude problem.

He's imposing restrictions on himself and THEN has the audacity to be mad at you. I'd say "go" and then leave it at that. He needs to stop over thinking this and just have fun. Couples can still go out and party and drink....just not with the purpose of finding that special friend. What's his issue?

I third that.

[Hollandia]

He sounds like he is trying to use guilt to win his point of argument. I would tell go have fun with your friends sure, but you are not single and you need to stop acting like you still are. There is no way in hell I would be okay with that. Why is he taking vacations with others and not you? If he has the free time and money why not fly over to see the love of his life instead of hanging out with some single woman? I also don't care how long they have know each other and I don't respect her for not making an attempt to see to it she never ends up alone and drunk with somebody else's SO. I think most women that would do that are doing it because they have want him for themselves.

Have you even ever met any of his friends? Do he keep that part of his life separate from your relationship? That would be another huge red flag for me. My SO's friends are his and mine are mine, but they should be able to also hang out with us a couple too.

[ams.201220]

Is he serious? He's allowed to have his own freedom and time, but you can't express your opinions?? That's total rubbish. He should understand where you're coming from and if he can't then that's stupid on his end. Just give it some time and wait to see what his decision is.

[barret95]

Have you even ever met any of his friends? Do he keep that part of his life separate from your relationship? That would be another huge red flag for me. My SO's friends are his and mine are mine, but they should be able to also hang out with us a couple too.

off topic, I just realized, I haven't met any of my SO's friends, I've asked about them many times but she changes the subject or somehow makes up some crap about them being busy. this is worrying me :/


anyway, back to the thread.
He is really acting reckless, I mean, he's not even considering your feelings and everything (which my SO has done to me about her friends) .
you have 100% right to express your feelings and be uncomfortable.

[LadyDaemon]

I simply asked for clarification on the sleeping arrangements during this excursion, and he stated that he will be meeting up at the beach house but everyone has their own homes/living space BUT if drinks start flowing, they may end up under the same roof...drunk...overnight. I suggested that if that happens, would he be willing to call her a taxi (as that would make me uncomfortable). He shut down. His response: "Fine, I just won't do it..."

This little tid bit bothers me on a massive level. He's acting as though he were still single for starters and that's not right by any means. Another thing,if you're in a relationship with someone and you know you're going to a function with people of the opposite gender,whether you know them or not,and he knows his chances of behaving around the single opposite gender because of his lack of control when drinking alcohol is very low,then why do it at all? I don't know if it's just me or not,but if I know I won't be able to handle being around the opposite sex while under the influence and I'm not single,I would do everything possible to avoid that situation because I feel like that's only fair to my SO. But that's simply what I would do. I understand that everyone even when in a couple has a right to go out and have fun,but not at the expense of potentially doing something terrible and ruining the relationship.

I honestly don't feel that you're out of line for being concerned. HE shouldn't feel that way either. If he cared anything about you or your relationship he would not purposely go somewhere and partake in certain liquid substances around people that he has acknowledged he might wind up doing something stupid with or around. As ams said here,"girls/women are girl/women and girls/women can be bitches". and if they want something bad enough,they don't care who it belongs to,they will take it. I think his total disregard for your feelings and your relationship is rather disrespectful in my opinion and the fact that,as digitalfever said,he's self imposing restrictions and then getting mad at you is ridiculous and immature and he needs to do a little growing up. I don't think what you're asking of him is unreasonable at all. You need to stand your ground and not cower because HE is making you feel like the reason his day is ruined etc. is because you "opened your big mouth". That's not so at all,he's the one running around with a bad attitude and acting like a little hormonal teenage boy who can't keep his impulses under control. Do not back down from him. Say your piece and let that be it.

[Hollandia]

off topic, I just realized, I haven't met any of my SO's friends, I've asked about them many times but she changes the subject or somehow makes up some crap about them being busy. this is worrying me :/


anyway, back to the thread.
He is really acting reckless, I mean, he's not even considering your feelings and everything (which my SO has done to me about her friends) .
you have 100% right to express your feelings and be uncomfortable.

For OP and you.
I think that when you become a serious couple you create a new circle. He has his circle and you have yours, but when get serious and you are speaking of merging lives, then you merge lives. You don't keep certain parts separate. Your SO has their time with their circle and you have yours, but neither is forbidden or blocked from the others circle. If you were to close distance and have a family are these still just the SO's friend's or do they become both of your friends.

My SO introduced me to all his family and friends once we got serious. He still does his out stuff without me sometimes even when I am there, but I also spend a lot of time out with his friends. If my SO had not introduced me to his friends. I would have asked him point blank why and told him how it felt to me. It is just a good sign for a long term thing. It would feel like you are keeping part of yourself, and a big part, away from your SO. This would tell me, they are keeping the door cracked and not quite ready to jump all the way in the pool yet.

These other people/friends, women in OP case, will see you as a person and not just a name or title, then they might start to respect the boundaries more. I am curious to hear how much interaction the OP has had with the female friends of his, since he is so close to them.

[ZenZeta]

Have you even ever met any of his friends? Do he keep that part of his life separate from your relationship? That would be another huge red flag for me. My SO's friends are his and mine are mine, but they should be able to also hang out with us a couple too.

Most of his friends are where he is. Since I haven't been there yet, I haven't met them. I have met his family and one "female friend" that he's also known for a while. He says nothing happened between them. I didn't get that vibe when I met her, but I can't worry about what happened before me. We hung out. Had some drinks and she told him later that she really likes me. He says I will get to know some of his friends when I visit... IF we get to that point...

[ZenZeta]

Well... the plot thickens... and I feel so STUCK right now...

So our little disagreement (which I am still happy to report was very mature--no screaming--just an adult conversation) caused a ripple effect. After his altercation with the boss (which landed him a hefty insubordination fine and extra physical training), he TOTALLY CANCELLED the other two opportunities he had to make a job move. It was absolutely spontaneous. He didn't think about it. He just picked up the phone and said "No deal...". This could essentially END his career.

I had not even talked to him about my insecurities about the job move (Thank Goodness). In fact, after reading the advice here, I did some research on the countries and was REALLY getting excited about one of them because it was a 2 hour flight from where I live and only a 2 hour time difference. That could have been TOTALLY workable.

Instead, I get a text that he is shipping his car back to the states and thinking of talking to his boss about retiring and coming back to the states so we can work on the relationship.

STOP. All of this from me stating that a drunken overnight with someone of the opposite sex made me uncomfortable (I didn't even tell him he couldn't spend time with her. I just wanted him to know that I wasn't thrilled about the idea)? I told him that he wasn't thinking rationally and that he just needed to get some sleep and get his head together before making major decisions he can't reverse. He says he's thinking more clearly than he ever has and actually THANKED me for helping him see clearly... He CAN'T be serious!!!

If we had been "dating" for more than a couple of months, I would think it was sweet, but this is creepy and unfair to me. I feel like he has placed this huge responsibility on me now. If his career is over, it's my fault for being uncomfortable. He could resent me forever once he realizes what he's done.

He later stated that his lifestyle gets lonely and that the prospect of changing jobs and starting over aren't as appealing to him now that we've been going out, and I assured him that I'm not going anywhere (funny how we both have been secretly worried that the other was going to leave), but I'm not sure its enough. Apparently, he can't undo what's already done (His language was less than professional).

This is a red flag to me. Am I wrong in thinking that this reaction was REALLY intense? Sheeesh! I just asked a question. I hate I even brought it up now.

[ThePiedPiper]

To be honest, I would probably be a bit disturbed by someone who responded that intensely, either that or I'd be suspect of there having been more going on than simple friendships. Still, you haven't even been dating a full 2 months yet (okay, a few days off). This is an incredibly intense and overbearing reaction and I think I'd call it off at this point if anyone did similar to me. Even if he's not mentally unsound, the decision itself shows a lot of recklessness, impulsion, and naivite, which are not exactly qualities I find attractive in a mate...

[digitalfever]

Well... the plot thickens... and I feel so STUCK right now...

So our little disagreement (which I am still happy to report was very mature--no screaming--just an adult conversation) caused a ripple effect. After his altercation with the boss (which landed him a hefty insubordination fine and extra physical training), he TOTALLY CANCELLED the other two opportunities he had to make a job move. It was absolutely spontaneous. He didn't think about it. He just picked up the phone and said "No deal...". This could essentially END his career.

I had not even talked to him about my insecurities about the job move (Thank Goodness). In fact, after reading the advice here, I did some research on the countries and was REALLY getting excited about one of them because it was a 2 hour flight from where I live and only a 2 hour time difference. That could have been TOTALLY workable.

Instead, I get a text that he is shipping his car back to the states and thinking of talking to his boss about retiring and coming back to the states so we can work on the relationship.

STOP. All of this from me stating that a drunken overnight with someone of the opposite sex made me uncomfortable (I didn't even tell him he couldn't spend time with her. I just wanted him to know that I wasn't thrilled about the idea)? I told him that he wasn't thinking rationally and that he just needed to get some sleep and get his head together before making major decisions he can't reverse. He says he's thinking more clearly than he ever has and actually THANKED me for helping him see clearly... He CAN'T be serious!!!

If we had been "dating" for more than a couple of months, I would think it was sweet, but this is creepy and unfair to me. I feel like he has placed this huge responsibility on me now. If his career is over, it's my fault for being uncomfortable. He could resent me forever once he realizes what he's done.

He later stated that his lifestyle gets lonely and that the prospect of changing jobs and starting over aren't as appealing to him now that we've been going out, and I assured him that I'm not going anywhere (funny how we both have been secretly worried that the other was going to leave), but I'm not sure its enough. Apparently, he can't undo what's already done (His language was less than professional).

This is a red flag to me. Am I wrong in thinking that this reaction was REALLY intense? Sheeesh! I just asked a question. I hate I even brought it up now.

If it's a red flag to you then I suggest you end it.

[Kiyama]

Well I don't know. Was he comfortable moving to other countries for a job?
Maybe this decision isn't as impulsive as it seems or did he specifically say it turned the opportunities down for you? He might have not been happy about the offers and finally realised that so going back to the US is actually a sensible reaction?

[ZenZeta]

Well I don't know. Was he comfortable moving to other countries for a job?
Maybe this decision isn't as impulsive as it seems or did he specifically say it turned the opportunities down for you? He might have not been happy about the offers and finally realised that so going back to the US is actually a sensible reaction?

Well... it may be a bit of both. During our last conversation, he mentioned that his lifestyle has been lucrative but lonely and that he wasn't overly thrilled at the prospect of starting over. Add that to the fact that all of his co-workers are dispersing because of the personnel changes AND two of his buddies relationships have recently fallen apart and I think he may just be overwhelmed. He just mentioned all of these elements in yet another LONG conversation last night.

However, right after he told me all this, he started talking about how he's never had anything to come home to and me being a part of his life has caused him to think differently. After adding the fun fact that his father abandoned his career to be with his mother, I got scared.

Here's my issue: I don't think I should be that much of a deciding factor 2 months in. I could see if our relationship was more established, but without him realizing it, he's putting a LOT of pressure on me. I NEVER asked him to choose between me and his career. How am I now the reason for this new found knowledge all of a sudden? It doesn't make sense.

His little stunt REALLY could cost him his job, and he just let me know that his boss may decide to not allow him to take the upcoming break which means we won't be seeing each other after all....

[Hollandia]

Well I don't know. Was he comfortable moving to other countries for a job?
Maybe this decision isn't as impulsive as it seems or did he specifically say it turned the opportunities down for you? He might have not been happy about the offers and finally realised that so going back to the US is actually a sensible reaction?

Yes, I was wondering this too. Was he perhaps looking for a reason out and you just gave it him? I am also confused if he does not come to USA you are not going anywhere but if he does you are going to end it? Do you love him or is this going to fast for you? I do agree two months is not along time but he might just be looking for a fresh start. My SO hates his job and I know if he was the chance he would quit it in a heartbeat. Did you SO hate his job? I don't know what he said to his boss, but that is a pretty stern penalty if he just raised his voice. Maybe his boss is a D@#$ and this is his way of cutting ties to that job. Does your SO have the funds to retire and live in another country? If he does then more power to him and maybe he deserves a break for a bit. If not he needs to understand that you cannot support him. He should always be able to go back into the field with another company once a bit of time goes by. If he can work in USA it is damn hard to to blackball somebody just because they yelled at their boss once, unless there is more to that story than that.

Are you also having a case of be careful what you wish for? You don't feel ready for him to be CD to you? How soon would he be moving, a few more months or right away? If he can't move till 6 months does that feel right? I think we he is calmed down from his work situation, you should ask him again if he is doing this for him or you because you don't want him to resent you like you said. I don't think there is anything wrong with being honest about that because you are right if this is not something he truly wants to do and can financially handle doing he should not be doing it. I don't think it should be pressure on you once you tell him this is all on him and tell him what you told us, because what you are saying is making perfect sense.

Is he native to Germany or just there for work? I thought you mentioned he was in Germany for the job or am I wrong?

[ZenZeta]

To be honest, I would probably be a bit disturbed by someone who responded that intensely, either that or I'd be suspect of there having been more going on than simple friendships. Still, you haven't even been dating a full 2 months yet (okay, a few days off). This is an incredibly intense and overbearing reaction and I think I'd call it off at this point if anyone did similar to me. Even if he's not mentally unsound, the decision itself shows a lot of recklessness, impulsion, and naivite, which are not exactly qualities I find attractive in a mate...

I am inclined to agree with you, my friend. If he was a reckless 20-year-old, I would understand, but at 40 I feel like he should have been more responsible and not reacted on a whim. (Someone said something I didn't like so I'm going to take my ball and go home).

With everything going on, now is not the best time to cut things off, but I am definitely considering the possibility. I'm hoping things will calm down on their own, but I'm not sure at this point

[ZenZeta]

Was he perhaps looking for a reason out and you just gave it him?

That could be a possibility. It certainly seems that way...

I am also confused if he does not come to USA you are not going anywhere but if he does you are going to end it? Do you love him or is this going to fast for you?

Initially, I wasn't planning on going anywhere no matter WHERE he was (a point that I have repeated to him several times over the past couple of days), but this recent development has me worried that there's some major under lying issues going on. I can't be a super hero and save him. His reaction really makes me nervous, and yes... this seems REALLY intense for a two-month-old relationship. I personally don't feel like I should be THAT much of a factor in a decision that major. If we had more time between us, I could understand it but I like to take my time with matters of the heart.

I do agree two months is not along time but he might just be looking for a fresh start. My SO hates his job and I know if he was the chance he would quit it in a heartbeat. Did you SO hate his job?

Actually, my SO LOVES his job (and makes it too much of his identity in my personal opinion). I think all of the changes have just taken their toll on him. Losing his friends and being away from his family hasn't helped... It really just seems like he had too many bad days in a row and just snapped.

As for doing his "job" elsewhere... he's in a specialized line of work ... When he couldn't find work in the US, Europe gave him a chance, so the fact that he's burning bridges because he's pissed off is really not the best decision... and he did a LOT more than raise his voice. He dropped a few "F" bombs as well.

Are you also having a case of be careful what you wish for? You don't feel ready for him to be CD to you? How soon would he be moving, a few more months or right away? If he can't move till 6 months does that feel right? I think we he is calmed down from his work situation, you should ask him again if he is doing this for him or you because you don't want him to resent you like you said. I don't think there is anything wrong with being honest about that because you are right if this is not something he truly wants to do and can financially handle doing he should not be doing it. I don't think it should be pressure on you once you tell him this is all on him and tell him what you told us, because what you are saying is making perfect sense.

I don't think it's a matter of CD. I would absolutely ADORE being closer to him under the right circumstances. I don't think he would truly be happy back in the states and potentially jobless. Though he has the financial means to live jobless for a while, he identifies so much with his job that not doing it would really push him over the edge. His family would also give him a lot of grief if he spontaneously stopped working.

I am going to take your advice and ask him directly about his reasons for doing this. He's alluded to me being part of the decision, but I really think everything comes down to him getting frustrated and making a REALLY bad move without thinking it through.

Is he native to Germany or just there for work? I thought you mentioned he was in Germany for the job or am I wrong?

No. We actually "live" about 20 minutes from each other when he's home. He spends 8 months out of the year working in Europe.