First post :) Needing some advice :)

[mcatherinetherese]

Hello all

This is my first post and I almost hate for it to be a post that is immediately asking for everyones advice...but here we go.

I've been dating my LDR boyfriend for over a year, but we've been exclusive for about 10 months. It started out in the same city, but due to his previous unemployment and the fact that I was still in school at the time, in August we decided to do the distance thing. We thought it would be temporary, but he ended up getting his dream job in his homestate.

We have been through SO incredibly much together, namely the sudden and tragic death of my best friend. After she died, my boyfriend moved down to DC to be with me for about two months as he was unemployed at this time... but in the months following her death our relationship changed. I started suffering from frequent panic attacks, typically when he had to leave me for even just a few hours. These panic attacks have really brought my self confidence down and I still havent really recovered from it. I still experience such anxiety over our relationship... and it was never an issue in our LDR before her death... Then in the middle of all this, he got his job and had to move back to NY.

Now his job isn't some normal stressful job, he is a police officer. The past 3 months he has spent training either alone or as a part of the training academy. He is graduating this week, thank the good Lord.. I feel like this training has completely stressed him out and drained him of energy. I know how important this is to him that he finishes the academy.. he was unemployed for about a year before he got this job. At any time he could fail the academy and be back to unemployed square 1. This - of course - is a stressor.

However, I feel like hes beginning to take it out on me and with my anxiety levels already elevated, I'm starting to become extremely insecure, clingy and needy. Because I"ve recently graduated college, almost all of my friends have moved back to where they are from originally. However, I got a job immediately and have to be here for the foreseeable future. Its so sad beecause outside of my internship and summer job, I have no life.

I could have a life, but I continuously turn down plans or schedule my plans around my boyfriend's schedule. I just feel that if he can talk at a certain time, why would I make plans during that time? However, I think its getting to the point where I am expecting way too much from him in terms of communication and he can't give me that. When we discussed it tonight he told me that I am expecting too much and that unlike me, he "doesnt live with a roommate he hates and another that he doesn't know." He reminded me that he lives with his family and can't be expected to be in constant communication 24/7.

Basically my question is....I dont want to appear needy or clingy. And since I obviously have this tendency lately, how can i reverse this in myself? Also, how can i SHOW him that i'm not clingy/needy (i'm totally ok with faking till we make it, but how??) Furthermore and perhaps most importantly, how can I make sure that I have a life outside of my boyfriend while also being able to BALANCE being able to communicate sufficiently with my boyfriend?

Any ideas?

Thanks so much

[ams.201220]

I had the same exact problem last Christmas! I was planning my schedule around my boyfriend, ignoring chances to hang out with my friends, putting a halt to my school, etc... But in all honesty, I thought I was saving my relationship, but it ended up ruining it. Because I had so much free time, I expected him to put in the same amount of time that I was. But he was busy with work and his family that I couldn't always be a main priority. We ended up breaking up at the end of January, and we just recently got back together.

Because your situation is still in its early stages, I would nip it in the bud and make yourself extra busy. Go hang out with good friends, make a list of books you want to read, volunteer, etc...I know it's going to be hard, but when you get in the swing of things, you won't even notice what you were missing. Don't worry about always figuring out your schedule to talk. There will always be a moment to talk, and if you miss one or two it's not the end of the world. You are entitled to a life as much as he is!

[Hollandia]

I don't wish to be mean but if you keep acting like this you will most likely lose him. You need to force yourself to stop being so available to him. You are destroying all the thrill of the chase for him and making him feel smothered. I would go so far as to say that you need to learn to be the first one to say goodbye and make plans regardless of his schedule. I have a time difference and I used to wait till after he went to bed to do things each day. I realized this was not a good thing. I stopped doing that and it is less stressful for both of us and freeing for me.

[digitalfever]

You know exactly what you need to do and it's to stop turning down and start getting a life outside of your boyfriend.

He's stressed and embarking on a new career. Give him the space to be stressed through giving yourself space. You don't need to schedule your life around his to make your relationship work.

If he loves you and I'm site he does he'll be there when you get back.

[Rugger]

You need give him space to breathe and back off. Trust me, a couple of months ago, I was him. My SO and I had just moved in together and I was starting a new job. He had no friends of his own where I loved and was constantly on top of me. I couldn't take it and almost ended our relationship over it. You need to have your own life and your own friends. Go to town events, book clubs and meetings. Try Meetup.com ( it helped my boy meet some new people!)

His job ( I'm assuming its in NYC although feel free to correct me) is very very stressful, especially since he's a new cop. Just let him know you support him and let him come to you.

[Verojoon]

Are you seeking professional help for the panic attacks? You've been through a lot, and though the way you are acting with your bf is damaging the relationship (and you obviously realize this or you wouldn't have posted about it), I think you may have a difficult time actually stopping the behavior until you learn to deal with what it was about your friend's death that changed something in you.

It sounds like you've been through a lot and you have a very caring SO who did what he could to be there for you. Now, it's your turn to do what you can for him since he's going through a stressful time.