Conquering emotional distance

[Pinion]

I feel as though all we do is talk. Don't get the wrong idea, I typically love to talk to him because he's insightful and intelligent... but I tend to initiate the deeper talks and it's pretty much all we do in this relationship at the moment. I'm used to sharing my heart with people I can share activities and life developments or goals with, since I'm not a very emotional or sociable person and don't gain much from conversation for conversation's sake or easily bond over it.

He has a very passive personality, which means that I need to lead. In and of itself that doesn't bother me, but I don't feel as though he's a part of my life away from Skype in the evenings and I'm running out of ideas. He'll try anything I ask, but he doesn't feel strongly about the activities and I don't feel like we're making any meaningful memories together, growing together, or building something that's ours despite the distance. We both agree that we want that, though.

We decided to start this relationship on the belief that we'd find some ways to feel closer and more involved despite the distance, but three weeks later we're still struggling and I don't feel very hopeful about our future.

We've tried online games. He'll tag along, but he doesn't like the same genres I do and isn't nearly as invested in them as I am. We might try being serious chess players again, which will require some studying on my end but is a very good idea.

We've tried watching movies and TV together, and that works out somewhat.

We're trying cooking together (kind of), but I'm on a tight budget. I've been looking for some simple recipes beyond what I make for lunch so that I can bring my laptop and webcam to the kitchen and let him be amazed at my destruction.

We're going to try books.

Any ideas or feedback? Am I maybe not cut out for LDRs after all?

[dragonlady]

dont know but i think your doing all you can..
we watch a movie together or he read to me, sometimes we just gaze at each other, having nothing more to say just brousing on the internet with each other "near" or some sexy time when we can.. but further we can only "wait" kinda..

[Moon]

Well, talking is what you have in an LDR, it's the focal point of the relationship. If you're the type who needs physical activities to bond over, maybe an LDR isn't right for you, I'm sorry to say. It won't change as long as you remain LD, talk will be what your relationship is built on, with the occasional visit thrown in. I'm not trying to be a Debbie downer here, just trying to show you what LDR's are really about.

If you really like this guy, you can give it some more time, you may get used to the weird world of LD eventually. Good luck.

[Pinion]

Well, talking is what you have in an LDR, it's the focal point of the relationship. If you're the type who needs physical activities to bond over, maybe an LDR isn't right for you, I'm sorry to say. It won't change as long as you remain LD, talk will be what your relationship is built on, with the occasional visit thrown in. I'm not trying to be a Debbie downer here, just trying to show you what LDR's are really about.

If you really like this guy, you can give it some more time, you may get used to the weird world of LD eventually. Good luck.

I appreciate the honesty.

The thing is, I feel closer to some online friends than I do to him right now. Since we're all writers and gamers in the same genre our talk isn't so forced and is related to our lives being on parallel paths instead of, "Oh, what do you think of this episode? What did you do today? What do you think about x?"

I wish I could at least have that.

[kattermole]

When we were LD, we tried to make the other feel part of our lives by sharing pictures of what we were doing through the day via our phones. We also had our lunchtime calls, where we would have 5-10 mins during our lunch breaks at work to talk about how our days were going, what we'd done that day, what we had on that afternoon. TO be hoenst, you're doing most of the stuff I would suggest: watching stuff together, games, browsing the net together. It's hard adjusting to a LDR and we went through a phase where I felt like all we said was "Love you" and "Miss you", but we got over that in time, you might just need to persevere until you become more natural parts of each other's lives.

[Pinion]

When we were LD, we tried to make the other feel part of our lives by sharing pictures of what we were doing through the day via our phones.

This is a good one. Is it included in the big list of distance activities on the main website? If not, it should be.

I'll try this if I can get him to commit to it. He's extremely shy and even fusses over how he's dressed/looks for webcam chats, so he may be wary of showing much.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I second the sharing pictures of what's happening in your day. And it doesn't have to be a picture of you. Yesterday it was beautiful outside and I'm visiting my parents so I sent him pictures of the scenery.

I know what you mean about not really feeling like he's a part of your life, sometimes I get that too. But there are ways to make him feel like he's more in your life. When you have deep, intellectual conversations, you're forgetting that there are other kinds of conversation that are equally valuable in a relationship. Talking through problems, just having a moan where he can be sympathetic, making stupid jokes, telling him stories about people you know. If you're having conversations that are too far removed from your emotional side, and you're finding that a problem, you need to make a conscious effort to make the emotional connection. My SO and I are also intellectual talkers, but in all honesty, I could have intellectual conversations with my lecturers or classmates, but I'm not in love with them. I love having intelligent conversation with my SO, but there are other things we need from each other so he doesn't just become my academic sounding board. So even if I don't really feel like it at first, I'll have a little moan about my housemates leaving the washing up or leaving hair in the sink, and actually, when he takes my side and just gives me some gentle support, it makes me feel better. Not because I needed to moan, but because it gives him an opportunity to show support, and me a chance to let him into my ordinary life. And that contributes to helping ease the "you're not part of my everyday life" anxiety.