Terrified for the future...

[kmarie1293]

So my boyfriend and I recently went from long distance...to longer distance because he had to go 1200 miles away for work. We have been making it work so far and recently he got promoted to a bigger company, pretty much the best company there is for the kind of work he does and I couldn't be more proud of him. The only thing is now...is that he's always going to have to be there to work, which is 7months out of the year. While I'm still in college this is fine, and we can make it work, but I'm terrified about after...He asked me last night how I felt about moving down there, obviously not right now. But he's talking 4-5years in the future, which when you think about it isn't all that long especially since I am still in college. The thought of moving there scares the crap out of me though...because I have no family (not even extended family) there or even near there (which is something I've had my whole life) and I don't know anyone there and during the months that he's fishing...I'll literally be by myself in a place I barely know and that's not something I'm used to and scares me a lot. I've lived in the same area my whole life until I went to college, and even then I only went to college 2 hours away in the same state. I love it here, and I always have and I know he does too but this is pretty much his dream job, at the moment at least, I know things always change. When I met him he wanted to do something completely different than what he's doing now, but this was still pretty high up there with thing he wanted to accomplish, and I am so happy for him. But what scares me the most....is that one of us may give up what we love for the sake of us and then later on resent the other for it. I love him very much and we've already talked openly (with no major decisions or options yet obviously) about our future together, and they always say: "if a woman talks about the future, its normal, but if a man talks about the future, it's serious" and I want a future with him and I know he wants it with me. So how do we solve this?

[katiecat08]

I can sort of relate. My boyfriend was originally going to move here and find a job here so he could be with me. Well he was also in the process of applying to be a firefighter. He decided to just accept the job back in his home state because it would be good for him to earn some money before we marry one day. Now hes talking of a 5 year commitment to the FD and said if that happens, he would really like me to move down there for a bit until we marry. Now I have told him many times that I would rather stay here but if i have to i will move down there in the future. But he also told me that we can always move back to NC afterwards since all my family is there. Talk to him about the possibility of moving back if he is willing to in the future. Discuss all options and pros and cons of this with him.

[kmarie1293]

Now hes talking of a 5 year commitment to the FD

The thing with the job he got is that it's pretty much permanent, unless he wants to find a whole new job somewhere in the future, which I don't think he does. This is what he's wanted to do, it's his dream job and it pays great and really takes care of him and us if we do start a family in the future but that would probably involve me moving down there or us just being long distance for 7months out of the year :'(

[lyonsgirl]

Jobs are never permanent. Sure, he can say "I don't want to find a new job ever again", but, he may be forced to for whatever reason. Or, in 5 years, he could change his mind and have a new dream job.

Speaking from experience: in LDRs, one of you has to make a sacrifice if you want to close the distance.

When my SO & I were in our last semester of college (and the beginning of our relationship) we knew that I would be more likely to find a job upon graduation than he was. So, he agreed to look for jobs with where I got a job. I ended up getting 3 job offers, Georgia, Texas, and Florida. I had lived in Georgia for 3 months the previous summer, but I had no friends or family in any of the 3 places. We agreed on Georgia. He moved down to Georgia 3 months after I did, he also, no family or friends in the area. When I moved to Texas (with the same company), he stayed in Georgia. No friends. No family.

The reason why we will be closing the distance in October is because we will be getting married. I have been job hunting for the past year and have yet to find a job near him, and if I don't find a job, he will be making the sacrifice to move to wherever I am living for my job. Otherwise, I will be sacrificing the 2 years I have put in with this company and starting fresh with a new job.

Just for the record.... I now live in Virginia (been here for about 8 months). No family here. I moved here with no friends, but I have found some friends outside of work. If I didn't, I would have imploded a long time ago. It is possible to do it. Is it scary? A little. But if you go to a community center, there are a ton of clubs/activities/get togethers for members of the community. Find a place to volunteer, get a job, go exploring. You will meet new people, and you will be okay.

Honestly? Moving around as much as I have has made me who I am now, and it's allowed me to see parts of the country I wouldn't have otherwise been able to.

[kmarie1293]

Jobs are never permanent. Sure, he can say "I don't want to find a new job ever again", but, he may be forced to for whatever reason. Or, in 5 years, he could change his mind and have a new dream job.

This really eased my mind a lot. Opening me up to the idea that in 5 years, a lot of things can still change. Though it still really scares me, the thought of one of us having to give up something we really want. Whether it's him or me, I really don't want one of us to have to sacrifice anything, but like you said...it just has to happen one way or the other..I guess we'll see in 5 years

[Dezface]

Like Lyonsgirl said, someone has to give something up. It's just part of the deal of this type of LDR. I wouldn't have *picked* to move 8,000 miles from everything and everyone I know, but I wanted the guy so I did it.

Hopefully in time you'll both be able to come up with a game plan for the future, one you can both live with.

[jennifer]

i have this same problem... my SO has gone to america since october and now he plans to stay thr and continue with his job... he wants me to come there with him and get settled with him after marriage... this mean we have to stay apart for 4 years now.. cuz in order to be with him permanently thr he has to get citizenship and then only he can take me thr! and like u even im a 3rd year college student... and even im terrified for our future...! but my advice for u is just avoid arguments that can create distance between the two of u... try talking healthy things that nourishes ur relationship!.... i know things are very hard but if there's a desire then im sure thr will soon be a way out... so u stay busy in ur studies and let him concentrate on his work.. and keep faith in him!...

[Jazi]

Jobs are never permanent. Sure, he can say "I don't want to find a new job ever again", but, he may be forced to for whatever reason. Or, in 5 years, he could change his mind and have a new dream job.

This really eased my mind a lot. Opening me up to the idea that in 5 years, a lot of things can still change. Though it still really scares me, the thought of one of us having to give up something we really want. Whether it's him or me, I really don't want one of us to have to sacrifice anything, but like you said...it just has to happen one way or the other..I guess we'll see in 5 years

I don't think your SO changing was the point of LG's post - You both have to be flexible and open to change/making sacrifices for the relationship in an LDR, you may not want to... but it just is the way LDRs are. Unless you're prepared to be long distance indefinitely then someone has to give up the way their life is in the current city/state/country and move to the other to close the distance. There isn't really a magical fix to that.

LG mentioned a handful of times that she/her SO live away from family and friends and they haven't even closed the distance, it's not ideal but it's life

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

You have no friends/family there... Yet. Yes, moving is massively scary, not being near your family makes you feel less secure, but there are two upsides to moving. One, you can make friends. There is no one with preconceptions as to who you are, and with seven months at a time with your free time totally free, it only gives you more time to develop meaningful friendships of your own. You can carve out your own life in this new place.

Two, if you've never lived far from home, moving away forces you to do some growing up. I think if you haven't lived far from home, you take it for granted that you are never too far away to turn up on your family's doorstep if you're in dire need of their support. Being far away means sucking it up and taking care of yourself. And without someone there to be sympathetic, I find the self pity sticks for a way shorter period of time. It's a learning curve.

I agree with what others are saying - this is five years away, it could change. But I wouldnt plan your future with him assuming it will change. This is the decision he has committed to now, and until he changes his mind about it, you shouldn't anticipate it. Because you just don't know. The only thing you do know is that this is a decision that he has definitely made.

[lovebunnie1212]

i feel you on this cause i know when its time for me to move out to my bf im leaving 3 states away and will know no one. Its a scary thought but i also truly believe the home is where the heart is. So if your heart is with him take that leap of faith and maybe ya'll will move back one day or not but its worth it if you love him cause if not whats gonna happen is if he gives it up it will be a regret the rest of his life and he may end up resenting you or you are gonna stay far away for years and then gotta hope it will work. Truthfully if i had a chance to move now to where my bf is family or friends or not i would jump on it so make sure whatever decision you make is one you can live with.