waiting

[angeldi]

Hi =)
Long story made short. Met my by 7 years ago online. Im in Nj he is in IL. We are so much in love and belong together. I have 4 kids .. 3 home. 2 in school. Ok so when we first met he was here all the time, even started moving his stuff here. Im 46 he is 59. Then his father became ill and sadly passed away. My bf sold his home and moved in with his mother. I have not seen him in two years because of his mothers health. He is worried if he leaves her something awful will happen. He is her caregiver does eveything for her. And let me tell you its not easy or fair, because his sister lives close but is no help at all. Anyway. If I fly out there we cant really be together because of his mother. So now we are missing each other so much and cant wait to be together for good. How do we cope at this difficult time ? I support him 100%. He is wonderful to me and my kids. We are meant to be together but there seems a wall is always blocking us. His mother is on oxygen 24/7 let me just say she needs his help. And me living with him and his mother is not an option. lol any advice? thank you =0)

[Black_Halloween]

Why can't you visit him and his mom? Also, I know its hard for him but he might want to consider hiring a caregiver for his mom so he doesn't have to stop living his life because she's ill

[angeldi]

ugh

I knew that question would come up. His mother is very stubborn. How do I put this? They are italian, not that it matters but some italians can be difficult LOL and she is very critical. controlling etc. Its such a lonnnng story. It just would be hard for us to be together if I went out there now. I have gone out there before. Its just a very difficult situation right now and nobody understands =( Also I have kids here, leaving them is not easy . He plans to come here this year and we hope those plans happen. Sometimes I feel like I will be waiting ten years! lol He is so confused on what to do. Caring for a parent who needs your help is so hard. People say just move there or have him just put her ina nursing home. Its not that simple. So now we are just doing what we can, we talk everynight and fall alseep with our earpieces in our ears, we text send gifts etc. But the waiting and missing him hurts us both. understand? We feel trapped. thats all
thank you for responding .

[ams.201220]

I don't really understand your situation...I mean I get that you're in a ldr and that you have children, but I don't really understand why you can't be together...You say you can't move in with him because his mother is Italian and difficult? You say it's not that simple, but I don't really know why. And you're not forced to share it, because it sounds personal! I just think that it's a little difficult to give an opinion or a suggestion when all we know is that it's not simple. From what you've said, I think the best option is to just wait and see if your plans for this year works out.

[Moon]

Has he reached out to any organizations that can provide a nurse for a couple of days, one of those organizations who provide assistance to caregivers? I know they exist, often free or low-cost, he really should look into that. Also, is there anything in her Medicare that provides short-term nursing? I understand he might be stubborn and not love the idea, but caregivers need a break sometimes, and he needs to do that before he hurts his other relationships.

Welcome to LFAD, btw.

[angeldi]

Ok.. my Bf until two years ago used to come here two to three times a year. Was no problem. Then his mothers health started going downhill. He cleans, cooks, gets her pills ready, take her to drs, when she cant make it to the bathroom or misses the bathroom he takes care of it. He fixes her oxygen when its not working. He does everything. This just started happening two years ago and has gotten worse. He is feeling guilty , that if he leaves her to come here even for a week that she may hurt herself or God forbid -- the worst case scenario. Mind you his sister luives 15 minutes from the house and does not help at all or offer to help. They dont get along. He is struggling with getting a caregiver because she doesn t want anyone in the house. He is stuggling to send her to anursing home because , well it hurts and is difficult for him. I think he is torn right now. I have offered to come out there but we would not have time together, he has a baby monitor so he can hear his mother breathe, she has empysemia (spelling) So yes we have talked about getting care for her, and talked about how his life is not how he wants it, and how unfair and screwed up it is. Im being patient and supportive because he means the world to me. Im sorry if I came across as confusing but there is just so much detail and I dont want to drag this on. If anyone here has had to take care of a parent alone, Im sure you can relate. Plus he works full time . I have tried to tell him she needs to be in a home or you need help. He knwos that, but for some reason he is struggling with the next step. Its not hurting our relationship, but how long can this go on? He doesnt think his mother is going to be around much longer, and that breaks my heart, So we are just struggling right now with that, plus the distance. Nobody understands how and why we are doing this, but I guess when you find your soulmate and have what we have , nobody will understand. Its just sometimes I wonder when I will ever see him again =( **

thank you all so much

[ams.201220]

Ok.. my Bf until two years ago used to come here two to three times a year. Was no problem. Then his mothers health started going downhill. He cleans, cooks, gets her pills ready, take her to drs, when she cant make it to the bathroom or misses the bathroom he takes care of it. He fixes her oxygen when its not working. He does everything. This just started happening two years ago and has gotten worse. He is feeling guilty , that if he leaves her to come here even for a week that she may hurt herself or God forbid -- the worst case scenario. Mind you his sister luives 15 minutes from the house and does not help at all or offer to help. They dont get along. He is struggling with getting a caregiver because she doesn t want anyone in the house. He is stuggling to send her to anursing home because , well it hurts and is difficult for him. I think he is torn right now. I have offered to come out there but we would not have time together, he has a baby monitor so he can hear his mother breathe, she has empysemia (spelling) So yes we have talked about getting care for her, and talked about how his life is not how he wants it, and how unfair and screwed up it is. Im being patient and supportive because he means the world to me. Im sorry if I came across as confusing but there is just so much detail and I dont want to drag this on. If anyone here has had to take care of a parent alone, Im sure you can relate. Plus he works full time . I have tried to tell him she needs to be in a home or you need help. He knwos that, but for some reason he is struggling with the next step. Its not hurting our relationship, but how long can this go on? He doesnt think his mother is going to be around much longer, and that breaks my heart, So we are just struggling right now with that, plus the distance. Nobody understands how and why we are doing this, but I guess when you find your soulmate and have what we have , nobody will understand. Its just sometimes I wonder when I will ever see him again =( **

thank you all so much

Oh my gosh...I'm so sorry you both have to go through that *hugs!* I have three younger siblings that I'm normally taking care of, and that gets exhausting, so I can only imagine what your SO is going through. Good for you for dealing with all of this too! But I do agree with Moon, when she says that he needs to figure something out before his other relationships dwindle. I don't know what kind of advice to give you, other than to talk it out. Does he have other family, besides his sister, that wouldn't mind taking care of her for a bit while he came to see you?

[angeldi]

well yes, his sister. But she can not be trusted. Anyway he says maybe I will just come and when I get back my sister will have her in a home because thats what she wants, his sister wants control of everything, house money everything. So yes its hard. I just feel so bad for him. He made a promise to his Dad to take care of his mother. But then she became worse, especially over the last year. So we feel there is a wall between us. But one day that wall will be knocked down.
Just miss him =(*** and sometimes feel I will not see him until 1. his mother is in a home or 2. God forgive me !! Passes away. isnt that horrible to say? He says that same thing. Are we crazy? LOLOLOL
sometimes I feel we are. But there is no time limit on someone if you truly love them. I really appreciate all the advice and kind words Im just feeling very sad , lonely and missing him lately. Summers are hard because thats mostly when he is here.

[angeldi]

sorry yes his daughter buit she is married with four young children .

[ams.201220]

well yes, his sister. But she can not be trusted. Anyway he says maybe I will just come and when I get back my sister will have her in a home because thats what she wants, his sister wants control of everything, house money everything. So yes its hard. I just feel so bad for him. He made a promise to his Dad to take care of his mother. But then she became worse, especially over the last year. So we feel there is a wall between us. But one day that wall will be knocked down.
Just miss him =(*** and sometimes feel I will not see him until 1. his mother is in a home or 2. God forgive me !! Passes away. isnt that horrible to say? He says that same thing. Are we crazy? LOLOLOL
sometimes I feel we are. But there is no time limit on someone if you truly love them. I really appreciate all the advice and kind words Im just feeling very sad , lonely and missing him lately. Summers are hard because thats mostly when he is here.

Haha, that's totally understandable. It's definitely been hard on you. I would just give it time. I know you've waited for a really long time, but when things get sorted out, they'll be really great! In the meantime, you just have to plow through the bad times.

[angeldi]

Thank You that made me smile. Its never been this hard on us. And nobody understands. Yes when we are finally together it will be so wonderful. All i can do is support him, be there for him, and help him get thru it also. thansk for listening.

[dandelion]

Just be patient and everything will be so as you wish.. I think so

[angeldi]

Yes they will. 7 years 1 month 7 days together. 2 years 2 months without seeing each other. And a lifetime to be together. Thank You we are both trying to be patient. Why is it when you finally meet someone who means the world to you its a struggle? lol

[Benni]

I am a caregiver for my 90-year-old mother. I am fortunate to have my sis to share the responsibility. The number one rule of caregiving is to care for yourself first. If you don't take care of yourself -- your health (mental and physical), your needs, your social life -- you cannot take care of another because you will become immersed in them and their needs to the exclusion of all that you need/want. You will become depressed, even ill yourself, which makes everything worse.

There are wonderful Assisted Living homes everywhere that Medicare and Medicaid help pay for. I worked in one for 12 years and the residents love that they have people their own age to interact with. Residents are closely monitored for their safety, taking their meds, housekeeping is part of the package and so are their meals. He needs to do some research about these places.

As for his sister -- apparently she's not going to be of any help and should have her ass kicked (just sayin')!!

[blackframez]

My god you are SO STRONG! I envy you. Best wishes to you and your love. Also the sis should stop being a b and help the f out. Xoxoxo