Not so close at CD?

[charly]

So I just went to the airport with my SO after 5 amazing days. Not a sad goodbye, because I'll be going to him in 2 days! However, there are a few things I would like to hear your opinion about.

Last year around this time he was seriously talking about taking his bachelor, and taking a year off to be with me in Holland, and to work here. I was happy ofcourse: finally an end in sight.... Half way through the year however I noticed on him that those plans were almost non-existent anymore. Everytime we spoke about it he couldn't tell me much more than 'I don't know, it's a big step'. And I totally agree with him. Different language, no friends here, etc. Still, I see this as the perfect moment to find out if we have a serious future together and it's not like it would be forever anyways. Just one year till he goes back to study.

Now this past visit he tells me that a friend has offered him a job in Norway, where he will get very good payment and lots of opportunities... And I know that it is so wrong of me to want him to come here instead, and I would never demand such thing either, but... It would mean that we have at least 4 to 6 years of long distance ahead of us. (since he doesn't want to work here, and I will start once again with new studies next year) That is a long time. Would bring the total to 6 to 8 years So, well, I feel a little passed over. He is willing to work in Norway (he is from Sweden) but he is not willing to go to some trouble to spend time here? He never even tried getting a job here! His excuse? 'In Sweden you get jobs through people you know' but it simply doesn't work that way around here. Or another one: 'I looked, but there is nothing on the internet' of 'I will start looking after the summer'. I really want to know if this relationship is worth it, and feel like I will only find out after having lived together longer than just 2 months. (While he deals with the distance pretty easy and is afraid to get out of his comfort zone) And waiting 8 years to find out, is too much for me. Maybe I'm just overreacting because I had my hopes up. I don't know really, I don't really have one question for you guys, but some words of advise are greatly appreciated! I think I need some perspective, before I cause arguments that aren't fair to my SO at all...

[digitalfever]

Personally, you can't fault the guy for following the money trail. He has a GOOD job that will pay him
well. He's doing better than most and I'd say he's making a smart choice.

When I moved to London I started out as an au pair and it took me 3 months of interviews (maybe two a week) to find a career related job, with a decent salary and in my intended field (marketing,) that wasn't a scam. I can see where he is coming from! Getting a job in a new country is hard especially when you have no experience in that country.

Is your program offered in his country? Can you move for more than 2 months? Can you arrange alternative study options?

[Dziubka]

I don't think you're overreacting. I would be disappointed and angry as well.

LDRs are complicated and if you want to close the distance, it requires one or both of the parties invovled to move, leave behind their family, friends and home (country, city, state). Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about it and it's obvious from the very beginning of such a relationship.
It is a big step and I understand anyone who doesn't want to or can't do that. I also don't believe in the "if you're ready to move to your SO, they should be ready to move to you"-opinion that I know some LFADers share. Moving (abroad) isn't the same for everyone. It's super easy and even fun for some of us and something unimaginably terrifying for others. And that's ok.
I can understand your SO not wanting to move to the Netherlands, but he should be more upfront about it and not make up excuses. If he's more open about it, you can work at finding a solution together. Maybe a comprmise like he moves to Holland and if he's unable to find a job after [agreed period of time, say 2 months], he can take the job in Norway?
If there's no way you can move to him, he should make more of an effort.

[charly]

Personally, you can't fault the guy for following the money trail. He has a GOOD job that will pay him
well. He's doing better than most and I'd say he's making a smart choice.

When I moved to London I started out as an au pair and it took me 3 months of interviews (maybe two a week) to find a career related job, with a decent salary and in my intended field (marketing,) that wasn't a scam. I can see where he is coming from! Getting a job in a new country is hard especially when you have no experience in that country.

Is your program offered in his country? Can you move for more than 2 months? Can you arrange alternative study options?

I realise he should take that option with both hands. It an huge opportunity for him! My future is absolutely abroad, not here in Holland, but my grades are to low to be accepted in the first year in Sweden. I want to become an architect, and that is really difficult there. The fact that it is only teached in Swedish is just a detail I would have no problems at all with moving, preferably yesterday instead of tomorrow so t speak! I have some trouble accepting that not everyone works that way...

I don't think you're overreacting. I would be disappointed and angry as well.

LDRs are complicated and if you want to close the distance, it requires one or both of the parties invovled to move, leave behind their family, friends and home (country, city, state). Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about it and it's obvious from the very beginning of such a relationship.
It is a big step and I understand anyone who doesn't want to or can't do that. I also don't believe in the "if you're ready to move to your SO, they should be ready to move to you"-opinion that I know some LFADers share. Moving (abroad) isn't the same for everyone. It's super easy and even fun for some of us and something unimaginably terrifying for others. And that's ok.
I can understand your SO not wanting to move to the Netherlands, but he should be more upfront about it and not make up excuses. If he's more open about it, you can work at finding a solution together. Maybe a comprmise like he moves to Holland and if he's unable to find a job after [agreed period of time, say 2 months], he can take the job in Norway?
If there's no way you can move to him, he should make more of an effort.

I think the part that bothers me most is indeed the part where he isn't willing to be upfront with me. He never wants to talk about what is going to happen with us. He simply doesn't like planning, while I'm kinda neurotic about all that. One part of me wants to just give up. I have had so much trouble with the distance past 2 years, but another part of me is really angry on me for even thinking about giving up. He seemed so sure about moving here at first. He was looking at jobs, housing, all of that.

[Tooki]

I understand his preference to work in Norway. The wages there are great and Swedish is so similar to Norwegian that it would not be hard for him to adjust (which he would not get so much in the Netherlands).

On the other hand, he does need to be upfront with you. How soon would his Norwegian job start? Would he be able to visit you and look for jobs on the side and see where the search leads? If the job is related to his future career, you would need to show good reason for him to turn it down unless it will still be on the table even if he doesn't accept it now.

[charly]

I understand his preference to work in Norway. The wages there are great and Swedish is so similar to Norwegian that it would not be hard for him to adjust (which he would not get so much in the Netherlands).

On the other hand, he does need to be upfront with you. How soon would his Norwegian job start? Would he be able to visit you and look for jobs on the side and see where the search leads? If the job is related to his future career, you would need to show good reason for him to turn it down unless it will still be on the table even if he doesn't accept it now.

You are right. Guess I just needed to hear it from others. His job would start right after summer, and he told me he would be able to visit me twice every month. Which is much more than right now really, so I should be happy. Always takes a while for me to adjust to changes

Thanks for your reply's everyone

[Tooki]

You are right. Guess I just needed to hear it from others. His job would start right after summer, and he told me he would be able to visit me twice every month. Which is much more than right now really, so I should be happy. Always takes a while for me to adjust to changes

Thanks for your reply's everyone

Would he be able to come to the Netherlands during summer and look for jobs while he is there?

Two visits a month sounds good. Good luck!