Sexual insecurities in our LDR

[elena1]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half. He is 25 and I am 19. Our relationship started as a LDR one but we do our best to travel as often as we can. Regardless cultural differences and an age gap we just click together and I know he is my soul mate. I am moving to England in September to start university, so there will be no more time zones and long flights!

I have been under a lot of pressure during the past month with exams and all of the stress has helped me bottle up my emotions and fears towards our relationship. We haven't seen one another in two months and we need to go one more without seeing one another. We have gone six months without physical contact, so I guess I can't say that not seeing him triggered my strange behavior.
I've been acting not like myself in the past few days. Asking him things about his exes, doubting he feels as sexually attracted to me as before. I should add that even though I've had other relationships before, he was my first. Considering the fact that our relationship has started as a long distance one we haven't had many opportunities to explore our sexuality. The last time when we were together was great but before that we just needed to tune in. I am usually a very confident woman but my achilles heel is the fact I am worried if he feels sexually satisfied - not that he doesn't tell me or show me he does but in the beginning of our relationship he used to send me pictures and just express his desire more often. Blinded and deluded, I have compared myself to the brief stories I have heard about his exes, not realizing that when he was with them they didn't need to rush to see the Eiffel Tower or the Sistine Chapel. Being so busy with finals lately we haven't had much chance for time on cam. Yesterday night we were messing around and I was asking him how often he watches porn, when I heard an answer "one or two times a week" considering we haven't had any cam time in weeks, I flipped. I felt like my insecurities and fears burst out of my tight little bottle and flooded him. He said my behavior was anything but attractive.

We have grown so much for the time we have been together and our relationship has changed for better. But my fears are threatening to ruin what we have built. We talked for another hour after my outburst and he wants to help me calm my soul and find my path to my normal self. He keeps saying that he loves me more than anything or anyone but I now feel like I am harming him more than cherishing him. We've decided to deal with my emotions together. I am scared I will mess it all up. I don't want to be clingy or depending, I am just scared not to lose what we have because of my childish act.

Help!

[Ejoriah]

Do you trust your SO? I'll assume you do (if you don't this gets very complicated) so here it is... TRUST him when he says he wants to be with you and you're the only one for him. It's normal for the dynamic of a relationship to change over time. My boyfriend and I used to have sexy chats and voice calls at the beginning of our relationship, with the occasional webcam thrown in there, now... not so much. He's busier and I'm busier, yes, but it's also because we'd both rather wait until we're together again than see each other and remember exactly how good it was to be with each other... but not being able to BE with each other. Sort of dangling something in front of us that we can't have. So we stopped. Have you asked your boyfriend why you've had less time together, in a calm, non-threatening manner?

As for the thing about the exes and the thing about the porn - sorry to be blunt, but if you can't handle the answer, don't ask the question. Exes are exes for a reason and no matter what you think, the fact that he has chosen to be with you speaks for itself. As for the porn... one or two times a week sounds about right, actually probably a bit less than the average in males lol. I think the only way you could potentially "flip out" over porn is if you have repeated opportunities for intimacy but he turns you down and gets off to porn instead.

To summarize - yes, he wants to work with you about your feelings, but he's already told you it's not attractive behavior. Trust him, and try to have discussions about what's bothering you before making assumptions and jumping to conclusions. Good luck!

[elena1]

Do you trust your SO? I'll assume you do (if you don't this gets very complicated) so here it is... TRUST him when he says he wants to be with you and you're the only one for him. It's normal for the dynamic of a relationship to change over time. My boyfriend and I used to have sexy chats and voice calls at the beginning of our relationship, with the occasional webcam thrown in there, now... not so much. He's busier and I'm busier, yes, but it's also because we'd both rather wait until we're together again than see each other and remember exactly how good it was to be with each other... but not being able to BE with each other. Sort of dangling something in front of us that we can't have. So we stopped. Have you asked your boyfriend why you've had less time together, in a calm, non-threatening manner?

As for the thing about the exes and the thing about the porn - sorry to be blunt, but if you can't handle the answer, don't ask the question. Exes are exes for a reason and no matter what you think, the fact that he has chosen to be with you speaks for itself. As for the porn... one or two times a week sounds about right, actually probably a bit less than the average in males lol. I think the only way you could potentially "flip out" over porn is if you have repeated opportunities for intimacy but he turns you down and gets off to porn instead.

To summarize - yes, he wants to work with you about your feelings, but he's already told you it's not attractive behavior. Trust him, and try to have discussions about what's bothering you before making assumptions and jumping to conclusions. Good luck!

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely trust him, there's no reason to doubt him. We have less time together because we are more busier and the dynamics of our relationship have changed just like you said about yours. We actually prefer to "be" with one another as we know how great it is now.

I am absolutely capable of handling any answers and the aforementioned answers were given to me in the beginning of our relationship. I have just brought up weird theories to my boyfriend a few days ago in another moment ruled by insecurities. I want to repeat myself again, I am a very confident woman and doubting myself is almost unacceptable for me.
Actually, the fact he watched porn made me feel hurt because he knows I am always more than willing to help him in any way I can (sorry for sounding vulgar, this wasn't my intention) but didn't even seek it. I don't have anything against porn or him watching porn at all, I just couldn't believe he would rather do that than text me, call me or just say he watched porn and had a good time. It seemed to me like I was being less desired by him considering the distance and lack of any physical touch. The thought of him not even caring to mention he watches porn, considering I am as accepting and understanding as one can be, is what's underneath this issue.

Of course it isn't attractive behavior, I have been acting like a lunatic for the past couple of days. Thank you!

[Kristin91]

Actually, the fact he watched porn made me feel hurt because he knows I am always more than willing to help him in any way I can (sorry for sounding vulgar, this wasn't my intention) but didn't even seek it. I don't have anything against porn or him watching porn at all, I just couldn't believe he would rather do that than text me, call me or just say he watched porn and had a good time. It seemed to me like I was being less desired by him considering the distance and lack of any physical touch. The thought of him not even caring to mention he watches porn, considering I am as accepting and understanding as one can be, is what's underneath this issue.

Maybe he didn't think it was a big deal and wasn't worth mentioning? I know my SO watches porn, but he doesn't tell me every time he does... and actually he hardly mentions it at all anymore. Does that make me think that he doesn't want me or isn't attracted to me? No, I know that sometimes he just wants to watch porn.

I also wanted to mention, since you're getting closer to closing the distance your recent behavior could just be you being nervous about that. I know I was a nervous wreck before my SO and I closed the distance. Don't worry, just breathe. If you have faith in your relationship and in your partner, there is no reason to freak out

[srtd35]

I don't tell my SO every time I "play" alone sometimes I do b/c I like to tease him and it is a huge turn on for him. He knows I do and I know he does. Would I rather do it with him either by phone or skype sure but there isn't always time for that or he might be at work or asleep. Now if I was prefering not to do it with him or the other way around yes that would be hurtful. And most of the time even if porn is involved I ultimately am thinking of him. I think it is a normal part of a relationship close or otherwise you aren't always going to be there when the other person needs attenintion. I would much rather think of him meeting his own needs than turning to someone else.

[elena1]

Maybe he didn't think it was a big deal and wasn't worth mentioning? I know my SO watches porn, but he doesn't tell me every time he does... and actually he hardly mentions it at all anymore. Does that make me think that he doesn't want me or isn't attracted to me? No, I know that sometimes he just wants to watch porn.

I also wanted to mention, since you're getting closer to closing the distance your recent behavior could just be you being nervous about that. I know I was a nervous wreck before my SO and I closed the distance. Don't worry, just breathe. If you have faith in your relationship and in your partner, there is no reason to freak out

I seriously don't mind that he watches porn because I do as well, but it sucks that he didn't even decide to tell me! We will have a calm chat about this tonight and I will tell him why I felt the way I did, plus of course doing my best not to act like a lunatic.

Now that you mentioned it, I am actually a bit worried. Maybe more than a bit, I am just used to the way we are now and it's a bit scary though it's all I want! I have so much faith in him and I know we are stronger than obstacles. Thank you!

I don't tell my SO every time I "play" alone sometimes I do b/c I like to tease him and it is a huge turn on for him. He knows I do and I know he does. Would I rather do it with him either by phone or skype sure but there isn't always time for that or he might be at work or asleep. Now if I was prefering not to do it with him or the other way around yes that would be hurtful. And most of the time even if porn is involved I ultimately am thinking of him. I think it is a normal part of a relationship close or otherwise you aren't always going to be there when the other person needs attenintion. I would much rather think of him meeting his own needs than turning to someone else.

I agree with you but at the end of the day a relationship is for two people and honesty does matter regardless how small the issue can be it can turn into something bigger later on.

[phoenix-]

I seriously don't mind that he watches porn because I do as well, but it sucks that he didn't even decide to tell me!
I agree with you but at the end of the day a relationship is for two people and honesty does matter regardless how small the issue can be it can turn into something bigger later on.

I'm not sure I agree with you. Some things require a little perspective before you go on an honesty binge because girl honesty can sometimes come off as.. Well.. A barrage of lunacy. You say you're usually confident.. I bet that's one of the things that he found attractive and you've taken that away from him by acting in what you yourself have recognized as lunatic behavior. You say you don't mind that he watches porn but every bit of evidence you've presented him and us states that you do. Of course we have insider information and know it's just your fear and insecurity coming into play. Let me ask you this: does he deserve your anger just because you're insecure about your attractiveness? I suggest either correcting that (via more conversation if he's open to that which he might not after your lunatic attack) or just letting it go for now until you two are together again and you've gained perspective.

[ams.201220]

I was the same way! I was more experienced than my SO, but when it came to techy intimacy, I was really nervous! Especially when it came to him! He had done more of this kind of stuff with more people than I have, so I was really inexperienced and I felt really awkward about it. At one point, I questioned his exes and if he was seeing anybody else while he was with me. He kept saying he wasn't and because I didn't believe him, we ended up having to break up. I'm so glad we have a second chance though. I trust him so much more now.

I would try to trust him a little more. I know, easier said than done! But he really seems into you and he seems to really love you. Don't lose that! Talk to him about how you feel and what he might possibly be able to do to help you! Feel free to message me if you want to talk about this more! Good luck, chica!