Am I overreacting?

[SoConfused]

I'm not quite sure if I'm overreacting, or being unreasonable, or am completely justified in my feelings, so any insight is appreciated because it's driving me crazy.

I have this need to be paid attention to, as I'm sure we all do; however, there are times that I feel as though my SO is not doing a proper job when it comes to this. Here are a few examples:

I just spent 9 days with him, on day 6 we spent the day at the lake, bbq'ing and running errands. During that day, his wallet was stolen. When we finally got home for the night, it was just after midnight. I knew he was going to call and file a police report and that was fine, but I fell asleep and when I woke up around 1:30am, he was still on the computer! I was upset and said, "OMG, you're still on there?!" He shut it down and came to bed, but I was pissed, so there was no cuddling.

Often, when I'm on the phone with him, he tunes me out. I used to ignore it for the most part, but I have brought up the fact that I'm concerned about his lack of paying attention while being on the computer, as well as on the phone with me. It's gotten to the point that I now point it out and say, "You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?" He'll tell me that he is and I'll ask him to repeat what I said. He doesn't. Tonight he went so far as to say that he didn't hear me because the phone was breaking up, but not once did he ask me to repeat myself.

I'm much too old to deal with someone who can't be bothered with listening to me. It's not like I'm bitching at him or complaining about something when he does this (not that it would be okay with me then either), so it just hurts my feelings. I know that he knows where I stand on the issue, yet I feel like he has made no effort to remedy the situation. Am I being unfair to expect that during the hour or so a day that we are on the phone that he provide me with his undivided attention? Due to his job, we don't really text throughout the day.

I do love him and he has many great qualities, but this is becoming a huge issue for me. I'm not even sure how to bring it up anymore because I feel like I'm nagging. I hate that feeling.

Am I being overly sensitive? Do any of you experience the same? How do you deal with it?

[snow_girl]

First example, if you are sleeping who cares what he is doing? Maybe he couldn't sleep because he was upset about his wallet, getting pissed because he isn't by your side when you wake up is silly.

I have this need to be paid attention to, as I'm sure we all do; however, there are times that I feel as though my SO is not doing a proper job when it comes to this.

The job of your boyfriend isn't to sit you up on a pedestal and give you attention all day everyday. This quote really irked me. Not everyone feels like they need constant attention. If you feel this way maybe you need to realize it is unreasonable. I get that you'd like him to be present during times of talking, try talking to him about it at a time rather then when he is ignoring you. Do you think you constant need for attention could be overwhelming for him?

[Isla]

I agree with Snow_Girl's opinion on the first issue, I think you really might have over reacted.

I think it's important to remember that although a partner can have an effect on the matter, when it comes down to it you are responsible for your own happiness. It's your choice whether you allow small things like that to upset you, or whether you brush them off and continue to enjoy your time together.

Often, when I'm on the phone with him, he tunes me out. I used to ignore it for the most part, but I have brought up the fact that I'm concerned about his lack of paying attention while being on the computer, as well as on the phone with me. It's gotten to the point that I now point it out and say, "You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?" He'll tell me that he is and I'll ask him to repeat what I said. He doesn't. Tonight he went so far as to say that he didn't hear me because the phone was breaking up, but not once did he ask me to repeat myself.

In regards to this one, as Snow_Girl said, you should mention it when you know he is paying full attention to you I don't mean to generalise, but often men are not as verbally communicative as women. You're probably more likely to find two female best friends chatting on the phone for hours than two males. (There are obviously acceptions, don't get me wrong! And it's not necessarily a bad thing.)

In an LDR it is really difficult to balance conversation. When a couple is CD, it's absolutely fine to sit in silence, because you are able to cuddle, or be doing separate things without it seeming as though they are "tuning you out." Without these non verbals, it can seem odd to sit on skype without talking. My SO and I do this, and it took me a while to get used to it, but now that I understand it, it doesn't bother me. He is a gamer, and I often have an essay to write. We're able to be on skype without constant conversation, and I think that's perfectly healthy. It's just nice to know that he's there, and I would imagine that it's not far off what it will be like next year, when we're living together

As long as you are happy in the relationship (and love him, as you say you do), then you should be able to overlook the verrrrrry small things that frustrate you, as I am sure he does you the same courtesy. Hope this helps!

[SoConfused]

In regards to the first example, I saw my boyfriend for a week after four months. I did not immediately fall asleep. I fell asleep after an hour of laying there listening to him tap on his keyboard. When I woke up half an hour later and he was still surfing forums and Facebook, I was upset. Time together is precious when you live 2,500 miles apart. If we saw each other every day, this wouldn't even be an issue. But we don't.

As for the assumption that I expect to be placed on a pedestal and paid attention to all day, every day...pfft. We talk for a half an hour a day, on average. We do not Skype or video chat or much of anything else except that half an hour on the phone. We both have full time jobs and other things going on in life. I don't expect that he set aside a bunch of time for me. Hell, I don't even EXPECT that he call me. What I do expect is that when he does call, that he participate in the conversation. What I get is him surfing the web while we're on the phone, which often leaves me talking and him not listening or reciprocating.

I have talked to him about this, both through e-mail and on the phone. He states that he's just multitasking and finds no issue with it, hence the reason that he still does it. I'm starting to think that he's addicted to the computer, and after spending time around his family, I found that I'm not the only one who takes issue with it.

I do love him, but I'm starting to feel like this is a huge issue for me. I just don't know how to resolve it. My fear is that I sweep it under the rug and down the road I'll end up resenting him.

[Chris516]

I'm not quite sure if I'm overreacting, or being unreasonable, or am completely justified in my feelings, so any insight is appreciated because it's driving me crazy.

I have this need to be paid attention to, as I'm sure we all do; however, there are times that I feel as though my SO is not doing a proper job when it comes to this. Here are a few examples:

I just spent 9 days with him, on day 6 we spent the day at the lake, bbq'ing and running errands. During that day, his wallet was stolen. When we finally got home for the night, it was just after midnight. I knew he was going to call and file a police report and that was fine, but I fell asleep and when I woke up around 1:30am, he was still on the computer! I was upset and said, "OMG, you're still on there?!" He shut it down and came to bed, but I was pissed, so there was no cuddling.

Often, when I'm on the phone with him, he tunes me out. I used to ignore it for the most part, but I have brought up the fact that I'm concerned about his lack of paying attention while being on the computer, as well as on the phone with me. It's gotten to the point that I now point it out and say, "You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?" He'll tell me that he is and I'll ask him to repeat what I said. He doesn't. Tonight he went so far as to say that he didn't hear me because the phone was breaking up, but not once did he ask me to repeat myself.

I'm much too old to deal with someone who can't be bothered with listening to me. It's not like I'm bitching at him or complaining about something when he does this (not that it would be okay with me then either), so it just hurts my feelings. I know that he knows where I stand on the issue, yet I feel like he has made no effort to remedy the situation. Am I being unfair to expect that during the hour or so a day that we are on the phone that he provide me with his undivided attention? Due to his job, we don't really text throughout the day.

I do love him and he has many great qualities, but this is becoming a huge issue for me. I'm not even sure how to bring it up anymore because I feel like I'm nagging. I hate that feeling.

Am I being overly sensitive? Do any of you experience the same? How do you deal with it?

From just your mentioning about his being on the computer, while the two of you are on the phone, I don't think you are being overly sensitive.

[Isla]

I definitely see your point. If he is on the computer while you're talking, then that can be incredibly irritating. If his family feels the same way as you do then perhaps he is addicted. You should tell him exactly what you have told us, but make sure he is really listening. Approach the topic with intention, rather than waiting for the next time it pisses you off. One serious conversation is much more effective than comments here and there. But remember that people view conversations differently from one another. It might hurt you that he isn't 100% focused on the phonecall, but he may find this to be normal behaviour, and strange that you expect otherwise. Go into the conversation with an open mind, prepared to compromise.

Good luck, guurl

[ThePiedPiper]

I do think you are being overly sensitive. I saw my ex two times a year, once for a week only visit, and we still both needed time to debrief at the end of the day. There were times where I would wake and he was up late and on his computer, really, but that was his decision and not mine and I couldn't really let it upset me (the one time it did was when we were to be getting up super early the following day for a day trip, since he had this tendency to get real grumpy or lethargic when he didn't get enough sleep and would take it out on me). Even if you only get to see him for 9 days after four months, you have to accept that not everyone is going to want to spend all of their time with you. Yes, even in LDRs, depending on the personality of the people in question, sometimes people need time to do their own thing. Your SO might be one of them. So frankly, I wouldn't play games with him where it should be all about you during visits and if you were CD it would be different, because his being on the computer probably has absolutely nothing to do with you. It probably has to do with what he needed and he probably figured you were asleep.

The phone conversations... I can see where that would be annoying, but I can also see how he might resist giving you his 1:1 time when you are incredibly demanding by playing the "prove it, repeat what I said" game. :/ Sometimes, when we are so bothered by an issue, we can end up reacting in a way, out of desperation (usually), the we think will get the point across or give us what we need, but it really only perpetuates the problem. Sometimes it's the way we approach an issue that is what allows it to continue, and that might be in part what's going on here. I know I certainly would not feel like listening (or even having the call, admittedly) if someone was consistently asking me to prove that I was listening. As far as this issue I really think you need to have an honest conversation about it, but one in which you're not acting accusatory or having him prove things to do. Perhaps you could tell him you were wondering if you could try having conversations before bed? Or if you could talk while away from your computers? If it's only half an hour, I should think he'd be willing to give that to you and maybe if you phrase the question as asking if he can try a new phone chat location with you as opposed to demanding his time, he might be more willing to give you that 1:1 attention.

[chizatlauren]

You can't expect your SO to be there and listen to you 100 percent of the time. Most people want their own time too, and despite being only together once in a while, I think you are just being too sensitive about this.

If he's being okay the entire day and you just notice him doing this once in a while (staying on the computer while you're asleep) I think you should just let this pass.

[Moon]

In your first point, about him surfing while you were asleep, I definitely think you're being oversensitive. You were sleeping. You shared that you have a need to be paid attention to, so don't get all butthurt if someone mentions it, OK? You could have handled that situation much better; instead of the "OMG, you're still on there?!", a simple "Hey, come to bed" would have diffused it. Maybe he was equally irritated that you fell asleep on him? My guy is twice the distance, our time is just as precious, but if he wants to check his stuff when I'm asleep, it's fine with me, and I do the same. If he's sleeping, it gives me some time to catch up on my mail, FB, here, whatever I need to.

As for the phone, I can understand that. I can tell pretty quickly when something else has caught my guy's attention, and I call him out on it everytime, but I do it in a playful, teasing manner. He refocuses pretty quickly, and there's no arguments or tension that way. Sometimes it just happens, don't take it so personally, just find a way to get the conversation back on track.

[LadyDaemon]

In your first point, about him surfing while you were asleep, I definitely think you're being oversensitive. You were sleeping. You shared that you have a need to be paid attention to, so don't get all butthurt if someone mentions it, OK? You could have handled that situation much better; instead of the "OMG, you're still on there?!", a simple "Hey, come to bed" would have diffused it. Maybe he was equally irritated that you fell asleep on him? My guy is twice the distance, our time is just as precious, but if he wants to check his stuff when I'm asleep, it's fine with me, and I do the same. If he's sleeping, it gives me some time to catch up on my mail, FB, here, whatever I need to.

As for the phone, I can understand that. I can tell pretty quickly when something else has caught my guy's attention, and I call him out on it everytime, but I do it in a playful, teasing manner. He refocuses pretty quickly, and there's no arguments or tension that way. Sometimes it just happens, don't take it so personally, just find a way to get the conversation back on track.

All. Of. This. Moon hit the nail right on the head.