Giving Career Advice/Help to your SO

[monkinlove]

So my friend/possible SO will be quitting her job working for an insurance agent soon (she is working as a secretary/office manager). She is quitting not due to the job, but due to her boss. However, before she quits she is going to take an insurance certification test as a backup plan.

Just to give a bit of a back story: My friend/possible SO and I met through a dating website. She is in the process of getting her divorce (which will be soon). So she has had to suddenly enter the workforce. She had one previous job working for a salon at the front desk since I've known her this last year. I'm taking things slow due to the fact that she is still married, divorcing and healing.

So as someone who over thinks and over analyzes things, I know that if we do decide to start dating and doing the LDR thing, there is a goal spoken or unspoken about closing the distance at some point. That's more in my mind than hers right now. I definitely want her to be able to work at at a place she enjoys or at least doesn't dread going into work. That should be the goal for everyone. However, she has goals and dreams beyond that. She wants to work in an area that is creative. She has debated going back to school, but doesn't want to go back into student debt. She just has a B.A. now.

I own a business here in New Mexico, so as it stands right now I can't really move. I guess my idea at one time was that maybe to get a change of scenery she could do some type of schooling here in New Mexico and then she could have the option of moving back to Colorado if we can't CD right now or ever. It would give us a chance to get to know each other etc. Again, this was just an idea and nothing I would have brought up until wwaayyyy later if we started the LDR.

So I guess the question is or what I'm seeking advice on, is how should I go about giving her career advice? Right now I think the best thing I can do is to just encourage her. Her self-esteem is kinda low due to the divorce and difficulty with two jobs and having two bad bosses. I think if she gets a good boss she will like her job more and have better self-esteem and confidence. Has anyone had this issue come up? How have you helped your SO with career moves? Did your career advice or discussions change after you got more into the LDR and both had some idea of CD. Not now, but later I thought of getting her some book about finding the right career based on her personality and interests (I've already done the research on the books). I've thought about (and done slightly) looking through craigslist and posting some jobs she might be interested in. I've thought about asking if she needs help with her resume or wants me to read over it.

Any advice about giving career and job advice to your SO as it pertains to a LDR and eventually closing the distance? Any advice about having an LDR who is healing and just coming out of a divorce and has a some self-esteem and confidence issues? Thoughts? Anything is appreciated. Thanks!

[Moon]

The biggest question is, has she asked for your advice? If not, be very cautions in giving it, it may not be welcome. If you do decide to help, start slowly, like proofreading her resume, that's a really good start. Everyone needs that anyway. Only approach this if she seems interested though.

Also, do not do this with the intent of going CD, you aren't even official yet, so planning her career around CD intentions, at this point, is much too premature. You can encourage and help her, but until your relationship is solid, don't worry about the closing the distance stuff at this time. Good luck.

[Bluejay Belle]

I definitely agree with Moon. Unsolicited help can always rub people the wrong way. If she asks for assistance, go for it. Proofreading cover letters and resumes is an awesome way to start. However, if you begin feeding her interview questions or sending her links to all the available jobs in your area without her prior consent...not cool.

[loneliestgirl]

When I was looking for a job recently, my SO would send me links to job postings. However, they were usually more about job he would be okay with and did not meet my wants or needs at the time. They just weren't a good fit for my and my personality and lifestyle goals. Some were over an hour away, some were beyond my skill set, some were just not what I wanted to do period. I ended up resenting it a bit and he would end up angry at me because I would tell him it wasn't a good fit for me so I wasn't going to apply.

I would tread very carefully as other posters said. You want to be encouraging but not a parent or boss to her. Nor do you want to get into a position where you will get offended if she doesn't take your advise or likes the jobs you pick for her. Just offer her help and support in general. Simply saying, let me know if I can help you with anything at all, whether it's just looking at your resume to proof-read it.

She's going through a divorce and her job situation is frustrating to her. She probably doesn't feel too hot about herself right now. The best you can do for her it just keep telling her how beautiful and smart and interesting and strong she is. And tell her why and how you admire her. She will have to believe it within herself but it always helps when someone else is cheerleading for you.

[monkinlove]

Yeah, she hasn't really asked for help or advice, so I haven't really given it or offered. Your advice helps reinforce the idea and really makes it clear that if I did so unsolicited, it might frustrate her more than help. She has only brainstormed with me about ideas on areas she would like to work in. Also Lonliestgirl's story really makes sense that if I did send her links to jobs it might frustrate the both of us more than help. I'm definitely wanting to be helpful and not add more stress or frustration to her life. So I may just offer help reading over a resume if she wants me too and like Lonliestgirl said to encourage her. Recently I texted her saying that I think she is smart, hard working, caring and trustworthy which makes her not only a great employee but also a great friend. I also could sympathize with the fact that she also over-analyzes things before she acts just like I do. She really appreciated that and said that was comforting.

Also, I will not do any planning on closing the distance of course. We are not even dating. But it is something that crosses my mind. However, I should just be thankful she is just a 7 hour drive away or a short flight away.

She has one friend who gets frustrated with my SO's inaction and her friend just tells her to get some type of corporate job and work her way up. However, that doesn't seem to appeal to my SO.

Finally, it's a little frustrating for me because she doesn't seem to have good moral support from her friends or her family. She seems to really appreciate my support, but she still keeps me at arms length. Which is understandable. I'm still just a recent friend, I'm a guy, and she is still healing and going through the divorce. All I can do is be patient, be there when she needs me, and continue to encourage her.

Thank you all again for the great advice and insight. It has helped a bunch!!!

-Monk

[digitalfever]

In the past three months I've had a lot I decisions to make and my SO has been there every step of the ways.

In March I started applying to professional and entry level positions in England. I was constantly worried I wouldn't find anything and would have to pack up and go back to Canada with my tail between my legs. He supported me, encouraged me to apply to jobs, always wished me good luck before interviews and reassured my fears! But I solicited this advice and his kind words.

Recently I was offered a position at a Graduate school program back in Canada. I would of immediately turned it down but it's at a prestigious school with an awesome reputation. He's been here and encouraged me to go.

I think the only reason why I've appreciated his advice is because I wanted it. Otherwise I would of been pisses off and told him to mind his own business. I think you should only offer advice when asked.